Found(ational) Footage

 

Following the somewhat pleasant surprise of 2006's The Gravedancers, I found myself surfing the options on Amazon Prime and landing on a whole other batch of low budget aughts horror. My defenses slightly softened, I figured why not take a chance on one starring Cordelia Chase and Parker Lewis?

Quick Plot: In 1951, a group of early cosplayers reenact The Sandlot with deadly consequences. One boy brings his bullies a baseball signed by Babe Ruth, prompting a home run directly to the door of the dreaded Wicker House. The kid decides a suburban legends is a safer gamble than abusive father, so he heads over to retrieve it before being taken by something unseen.

Cut to the present (in this case, 2010) as the crew of Sinister Sites is prepping their next shoot at the same location. The network show is hosted by the jerky Quentin French (Corn Nemec), slicked back ponytail helping to tell us everything we need to know. He's assisted by an equally jerky producer Tom and an exhausted team slightly refreshed by the presence of new cast member/psychic Heather (Charisma Carpenter).

It doesn't take long for the house to make some moves. One PA disappears almost immediately, as real deal Heather becomes nauseous as she gets otherworldly visions (JUST LIKE CORDELIA CHASE). The house quickly traps the group inside as things get bloody.

Directed by Jeffery Scott Lando (best known to me as the man behind Decoys 2: Alien Seduction), House of Bones has its moments. Nemec is having fun being awful, and the early stabs at 'reality' TV are occasionally quite clever. But House of Bones isn't interested in committing itself to the horror comedy category, and it never comes close to being actually scary. When you combine mediocre staging with mostly awful characters, the result loses its charm.

High Points

Maybe because its budget was never going to push it into real scary territory, I can happily say that I did chuckle several times at House of Bones' jokes. There are far more successful Ghosthunter parodies out there, but the early setup of Sinister Sites' opening credits and Nemec's commitment to playing a tool go a long way in keeping the film's sense of humor clicking

Low Points

There's a mild attempt to explore something interesting in the house's history of enslavement, but sometimes, ambition simply exceeds skill and you find yourself thinking, "are you the right team to tell this kind of story?"

Lessons Learned

You don't plant slime in walls

So long as the Wisconsin Convention Center offers you more than $10K for a comic convention, you're still a star

Wikipedia can make you look very cultured

Rent/Bury/Buy

House of Bones isn't good, but it entertained me well enough as I made my grocery list for the week ahead. There has to be an IMDB tag for that, right?