Lessons Learned: The 2024 Edition

As has always been true of being a chubby person with short legs, I tend to run slow. It's as true in a 5K as it is in blogging, where my 16 year and still going tradition has been to do the annual wrap-up in the middle of January, closing the month with my best-of list. More importantly is the SECOND to last week, where I do the more vital work of gathering up one lesson gleaned from each of the films I've covered over the past 365 days. 

It's by far the most educational part of my life. Here you go!

Home Economics 

If you can see it, you can sew it!  – Zombie Night

Household Tips

Always stock your home bar with top shelf alcohol, both for optimum cocktail service and most effective molotov cocktail service – The Cat

Lessons In Cultural Sensitivity (Domestic Edition)

In Georgia, it's considered rude to close a door behind you when behind chased by a homicidal maniac…Hence, the leading cause of death in Georgia is being hacked to death by homicidal maniacs -- Ride Scare 

Lessons In Cultural Sensitivity (International Edition)

There are plenty of white gang members in Sweden (though they rarely make the cut in feel-good corporate video ads) – The Conference

Holland is a cheese country -- Speak No Evil

The French are lovable for their ability to cook and be cool – Storm Warning

Thinking a cursed idol is a Mexican salt shaker is a common reaction among the ignorant – The Power

The Rules of Youth

Put enough teenagers together and you're bound to have a food fight – Wolf’s Hole

Powder puff is girl's football for girls that don't want to have it called football – There’s Something Wrong With the Children

Fashion Fever

If you don't want people to mock you for wearing a cape, just don't wear a cape around the kind of people you know will mock you for wearing a cape – The Alpines

Once your identity is revealed, you could save a lot of aggravation by NOT wearing your slasher mask that impedes peripheral vision -- Final Summer

A thick side bang will not protect you from blood modem ghosts – Don’t Click

The Art of the Pickup

Telling a hot chick you just met that she shares a name with your mother is not the hot pickup line you hear in your head – The Ledge

Travel Tips

When checking into any questionable hotel, remember to first check the soap – 6:45

You won't find Jujubees in a small town – Dark Harvest

Biology Field Work

Frothy blood comes from the lungs – The Stairs

Pathology season really picks up during the holidays – Pathology

Even Oxford-educated morgue attendants eat messy sandwiches over corpses – Split Second

Tech Tips

See, all you people who look at my computer screen and wince, SEE: having dozens of tabs open rather than clicking and backtracking is MUCH MORE USEFUL AN EXPERIENCE FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED THANK YOU VERY MUCH – Searching

Career Advice

Being professional means no ogling or drooling – Snowmageddon

Comfortable footwear is the real key to leveling up your career – The Mill

When attending a cocktail party in your third trimester, always accessorize with a purse large enough to hold your bladder – Elevator

Never trust a woman in a blazer – Killer Coworker

Fun Facts About the Holidays

You don't observe Halloween in the manufacturing industry – Totally Killer

The true meaning of Christmas is sacrifice (as in, human) – The Christmas Spirit

Relationships Of All Sorts

It's not a booty call if you live together – Humane

A real friend remembers your life-threatening allergies – It’s What’s Inside

A stranger is just a google search assistant you haven't met -- Run

Getting To Know Satan

The best way to decipher whether a creature is a devil or a fish is to see if it bleeds -- Maneater

The devil may do a lot of bad things, but he also supports waterproof eyeliner – Satan’s Triangle

History Lessons

One should always use some caution with free libraries, but particularly in the 1980s when they weren’t actually a thing – Mr. Crocket

Mansplaining was just as bad in the '90s, particularly if you enjoyed CD shopping at the mall -- Murder At My Door

Traditional 18th century wedding gifts included the timeless apron, but if you REALLY cared about the bride to be, you brought her the severed finger of an executed murderer – The Devil’s Bath

I Can Math

Nothing multiplied by ten still adds up to nothing – The Last Sentinel

Believe In Yourself

You only need three toes to master social media -- Slotherhouse

Senior Living

The best way to distract an old lady is to ask about her grandkids – Jack’s Back

No one can live long enough to deserve the horrors of a children's choir – The Manor

Basic Psychology

Most people don't crave a big breakfast after watching their friend and a batch of strangers murdered the night before – Don’t Look Away

It takes a lot of energy to hate a seven year old – The Passenger

Acting Is Hard

Chekhov is child's play compared to dying in a low budget slasher – Mute Witness

Law Enforcement Facts

Police interrogation videos include are recorded via multiple angles  – Summoned

Basic Survival

You have to do what a girl holding a gun tells you to do – The Blackout Experiment

Zombies are tempted, but not taken by the game of fetch...unless it involves tampons -- It Stains the Sand Red

Lesser Known Hobbies

According to dorks, LARPing is fun – Fantasy Island

The trauma Olympics are way more competitive than glee club – Dark Nature

Words Matter

There's a difference between being lost on a creepy abandoned penal colony and being stranded on a creepy abandoned penal colony – The Breed

Corporate Culture

Nothing gets executive attention like the threat of a virgin sacrifice -- Arcade

And the Most Important Fact of 2024

The Requin