Stairway to Somewhere

 

Ambition is a beautiful thing, but when making your very first feature film, it can be, well, a little much.

Quick Plot: In 1997, a boy named Jessie goes on a hunting day trip with Grandpa Gene (John Schneider) in the Washington woods. While tracking his prey, Jessie discovers a strangely modern staircase to nowhere. The boy is grabbed by something unusual, and as our credits play, we move forward twenty years. 

An unrelated (OR ARE THEY) batch of young people are planning a 5-day hiking excursion in the same woods. We have brothers Nick and Josh, obnoxious takes-up-two-parking-spaces pal Doug, and couple Rebecca and Jordon. Things are going well enough until Rebecca stops to rest and gets chased by a mysterious zombie-esque woman. Her friends are dubious until they stumble on an even stranger sight: a suit-clad man with a hole in the back of his head trying to protect or attack the same lady clutching a maggot baby. 

The group escapes deeper into the woods and have no choice but to make camp. That night, things go from weird to worse: some kind of forest being is hungry and on the hunt. The only safe haven may be the same unusual staircase, which happens to be housing a stuck-in-time Jessie.

The Stairs is an odd film. The directorial debut of stunt coordinator Peter "Drago" Tiemann, it's clearly designed to emphasize some of his strengths: practical effects, rubbery monsters, and plenty of juicy clawings. Tiemann also seems to have a pretty decent touch with his actors. Though the story itself is incredibly muddy in terms of character relations, the actual chemistry between his cast works a lot better than many a 'pretty young people in peril' situation. 

But oy, that story. 

Written by Tiemann and fellow stunt professional Jason L Lowe, The Stairs has kernels of a good idea with some freshness, but doesn't add up to anything that really makes sense. We never learn much about these maggot creatures or how they're able to power the chandeliers on a nonsensical staircase deep in the woods that also might involve some form of time travel. Did you get all that?

While the dialogue generally moves well, the actual plotting is just missing some kind of basic coherence. Nick and Josh are brothers, which is something we only learn 3/4 of the way through the film. Nick seems to know the area well enough to have a favorite coffee spot near the trailhead, but also shows the least awareness of having any form of hiking experience. He also (SPOILER) was friends with Jessie back in their elementary school days, but didn't Jessie's mom drive hours to get to this location? 

So yes, The Stairs is the kind of movie that immediately becomes to unravel once you tear at any of its dangling threads. But it's also better acted than you'd expect from something you've never heard of streaming on Amazon, with some strongly executed action sequences and a monster that feels somewhat new (even if it makes no sense).  

High Points

There's a lot to be said for spending little money on a horror film that sticks to practical effects, straight down to the director himself serving as the "burn body"

Low Points

Supernatural horror movies don't necessarily require answers to their underlying mysteries, but when your movie is a whole pile of bizarre riddles, it's pretty unsatisfying to walk away without a single suggestion of what actually happened or why

Lessons Learned

Frothy blood comes from the lungs

People go missing during blood moons

Always consider just how much you love chili before packing cans on a 30-mile hiking trip

Rent/Bury/Buy

The Stairs is the kind of low budget genre film that won't convert those with high standards, but will throw a few surprises at those horror fans open to good ideas. I think Tienamm would be better served with a stronger script, but as a directorial debut, this shows a lot of potential. Find it streaming on Amazon Prime.