In 1999, my high school social studies teacher gave our class the assignment to make a movie that had something to do with American history. Naturally, I convinced my friends that the only story worth telling was Zombies Ate My Classmates, an educational horror film about a group of students who break into a museum, desecrate valuable artifacts, and then spend the night fleeing undead historical figures.
We got an A, and I've spent the last 26 years wondering what it could have looked like with a bigger but still very small budget.
Apparently, a lot like The Lamp!
Quick Plot: A prologue set in 1893 sees a young woman land in Galveston, Texas, with her mother. Before they can locate the nearest queso, mom puts on a sparkly bracelet and releases a homicidal djinn, killing the boat crew in the process. The girl manages to flee with the bracelet and magic lamp, keeping it safe for a good 90 years until a trio of horny robbers breaks in to ruin everything.
With the old woman murdered and the robbers hacked up, the artifacts end up in the Houston Museum of Natural Science. Like, the actual museum, which is used as the filming location for The Lamp.
THAT'S REALLY COOL.
Chief archeologist Dr. Wallace is excited to investigate the new pieces, though his teen daughter Alex would rather he just, you know, BE A DAD. In fact, she even wishes he was dead!
Kind of!
The wording isn't that specific but it's good enough for a genie. Alex commits the unforgivable sin of trying the bracelet on and before you can sign a permission slip for a museum field trip, an ancient demon sneaks his way through her feathered hair.
The timing couldn't be worse for Alex or better for the genie. Her friends are eager to hide out in the museum for a night of premarital sex and cheap beer. While good Alex would discourage such behavior, possessed Alex is all for it. Throw in her psychotic ex-boyfriend and his sidekick, and you have a whole menu of potential victims to be murdered by historical artifacts.
When the credits rolled, only to be followed by the rare pre-2010 post-credits stinger, I found myself screaming this question: why oh why did director Tom Daley make only this movie?
It's so fun!
Yes, the kills are creative and weird. The actual story is fresh, and the setting is obviously massively neat. But we also get some neat character work! A cool archeologist dad, his daughter's open-minded boyfriend, an opera-singing security guard...there's a lot here!
I'm using a lot of exclamation points because I found this movie so satisfying!
High Points
This movie includes death by ceiling fan, haunted spear, cobra bites, and masks. HOW IS IT NOT MORE KNOWN?
Low Points
Could I have done without the sexual assault? Yes, I certainly could have done without the sexual assault
Lessons Learned
You know it's far out if the armadillos won't go
Texas bullies in the early '80s were racist sociopaths, which is why high school teachers were apparently trained in martial arts
Chicks love baths
Rent/Bury/Buy
I kind of loved this movie. It's not an immaculate piece of art fit for the Houston Museum, but by golly, it's incredibly fresh...even if it's no nearing the age of 40. As I've said several times in recent years, it's a delight to discover so much under the radar horror from eras we thought we knew. Thanks Shudder!
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