Best of (My) Year

 

We close out yet another year with yet another tradition: it’s my own personal best list, pulling out the hearty recommendations of (my) 2024. My only guarantee here is that no other list will have quite the same range. 

Don’t believe me? Observe my first pick:

15. Fantasy Island

I NEVER SAID I HAD GOOD TASTE. 

I’m under no illusion that the Blumhouse adaptation of Fantasy Island is a good film. It’s very, very dumb. And that’s perfectly fine! Sometimes all you want to do as a viewer is sit back and watch beautiful people become very confused on a postcard-ready tropical island. No, the various stories don’t necessarily come together in any real satisfying manner, but along the way, there are plenty of wild twists and big swings that never feel dull. It’s okay to enjoy something very stupid when it’s this fun. 

14. Split Second

A giant rat monster in the sewers. A morgue attendant chomping down a dripping sandwich. And most importantly, Rutger Hauer smoking his way through a coffee-and-chocolate fueled stint as a bad boy detective who works alone (I know you heard that in an intense whisper) until he’s reluctantly paired with an overeducated rookie. Split Second is pure early ‘90s cheese, cheese that’s been left on the counter and you know you shouldn’t eat it the next day, but by golly, it’s just so good.

13. It’s What’s Inside

Who doesn’t love a good body swap? Certainly not writer/director Greg Jardin, who made a smartly paced horror comedy that has oodles of fun putting pretty young people through some chaos of their own making. It’s What’s Inside has some themes to explore in terms of toxic relationships, but at its core, it’s simply a good time.

12. Arcade

My expectations for something produced by Full Moon Entertainment’s in the mid-’90s are generally pretty low, but that shouldn’t devalue the fun I had with Albert Pyun’s Arcade. The cast is loaded with soon-to-be stars who look and sound like real troubled teenagers about to fall deep into some adorable early CGI video game graphics. It’s not a classic by any means, but 30 years after its quiet debut, Arcade holds up as a surprisingly solid genre watch.

11. Wolf’s Hole

My knowledge of Czechoslovakia in the late 1980s stops and ends at me always copying and pasting the word “Czechoslovakia”, so admittedly, I didn’t fully grasp the political associations of Vera Chytilova’s satirical sci-fi ski trip thriller. Even so, this is a strange, riveting, and shockingly positive little slice of a time and place that was very new to me.

10. Slotherhouse

I’m not here to tell you that Slotherhouse, a horror comedy about an abducted sloth turned sorority sister on a murderous rampage, is great cinema. But by golly: it’s pure fun, and easily one of the best times I had all year.

9. Satan’s Triangle

Sometimes the best things in horror come in at under 80 minutes. That’s the case with this made-for-TV ghost story set on a haunted ship cast adrift in the middle of the ocean. It’s shockingly spooky 50 years later, with some ahead-of-its-time politics and clever musings on faith. 

8. The Manor

Take a sip of your Ensure every time I say, “why can’t we have more horror films featuring the elderly?” Axelle Carolyn’s The Manor is not a big film (it was made as part of an Amazon/Blumhouse low budget collaboration and seems deliberately small in scope) but it packs so much beauty into its runtime. The glorious Barbara Hershey plays a retired ballet instructor whose recent health woes have driven her into the care of an assisted living facility…which just might be run by witches. It’s everything you want from such a setup. 

7. The Conference

Comedy is hard. Horror comedy is, well, a feat that should only be attempted by the truly skilled. Thankfully, that turns out to be Patrick Eklund. This Swedish film follows a corporate team-building weekend trip gone terribly, terribly wrong. It’s an absolute blast, and best of all, it actually has some morality at its core.

6. It Stains the Sand Red

Colin Minihan has a pretty strong track record, so it’s no surprise that another team-up with actress Brittany Allen would yield more gold. It Stains the Sand Red follows that modern rule of zombie cinema: the only reason to contribute is if you have a fresh idea. And boy does this one! Allen stars as a woman left alone to trek 36 miles through the Las Vegas desert, her only companion being an undead shambler who she manages to tame into a better man than the living she encounters. It’s not a perfect film (the last at fumbled for me) but it boasts an incredible performance and enough fresh ideas to make it a worthy entry to the genre.

5. Mute Witness

Quietly released in 1995 with an energy that feels far more 1989, Anthony Waller’s Mute Witness is a strange, funny, and highly entertaining little thriller filled with surprises. A low budget American film crew is making a cheap slasher in Moscow when the mute props master (played by the wonderful Marina Zudina) accidentally stumbles on a snuff film in progress. What follows is an exciting cat-and-mouse hunt that comes at you from multiple fresh angles: 1990s Russia, language barriers, special effects tricks, and of course, the challenge of being the titular Mute Witness.

4. Searching

I love few things more than enjoying a film but being annoyed by its mistake….only to end the movie and discover the ‘mistake’ was absolutely part of a reveal. That’s one of many strengths in Searching, a mystery with a great filming gimmick (the POV is John Chu’s laptop) but even better storytelling. This is a tight little watch that left me extremely satisfied.

3. The Cat

An alien general hides out in the body of a housecat to battle a mushroom blob monster in Lam Ngai Kai’s insane action romp. There’s a ten minute battle between said alien general disguised as housecat and a paper mache dog. I like to think of myself as a decent writer but in this instance, I simply don’t possess enough words to express how wildly entertaining this little movie truly is. 

2. Speak No Evil

There’s an art to making a genre film so bleak that as soon as an American remake is announced, the entire world flinches at the collective internet sigh of horror fans knowing they’ll never get the same experience. Christian Tafdrup’s 2022 travelogue is truly a nasty of piece of work, and I say that as an extreme compliment. 

1. The Passenger

I’ve been singing the praises of scream king Kyle Gallner ever since he served as the sole glint of light in the Nightmare On Elm St. remake, so imagine my glee to see him team up with a similarly underrated genre filmmaker. Carter Smith’s The Passenger is a dark ride: a traumatized, anxiety-ridden young fast food worker ends up the hostage/pet project of a violent sociopath in one nightmare of a day. With incredibly nuanced performances from top to bottom, The Passenger is not an easy watch, but it’s a deeply human story that’s unafraid to take its time exploring what it might mean to live in this world.

Lessons Learned: The 2024 Edition

As has always been true of being a chubby person with short legs, I tend to run slow. It's as true in a 5K as it is in blogging, where my 16 year and still going tradition has been to do the annual wrap-up in the middle of January, closing the month with my best-of list. More importantly is the SECOND to last week, where I do the more vital work of gathering up one lesson gleaned from each of the films I've covered over the past 365 days. 

It's by far the most educational part of my life. Here you go!

Home Economics 

If you can see it, you can sew it!  – Zombie Night

Household Tips

Always stock your home bar with top shelf alcohol, both for optimum cocktail service and most effective molotov cocktail service – The Cat

Lessons In Cultural Sensitivity (Domestic Edition)

In Georgia, it's considered rude to close a door behind you when behind chased by a homicidal maniac…Hence, the leading cause of death in Georgia is being hacked to death by homicidal maniacs -- Ride Scare 

Lessons In Cultural Sensitivity (International Edition)

There are plenty of white gang members in Sweden (though they rarely make the cut in feel-good corporate video ads) – The Conference

Holland is a cheese country -- Speak No Evil

The French are lovable for their ability to cook and be cool – Storm Warning

Thinking a cursed idol is a Mexican salt shaker is a common reaction among the ignorant – The Power

The Rules of Youth

Put enough teenagers together and you're bound to have a food fight – Wolf’s Hole

Powder puff is girl's football for girls that don't want to have it called football – There’s Something Wrong With the Children

Fashion Fever

If you don't want people to mock you for wearing a cape, just don't wear a cape around the kind of people you know will mock you for wearing a cape – The Alpines

Once your identity is revealed, you could save a lot of aggravation by NOT wearing your slasher mask that impedes peripheral vision -- Final Summer

A thick side bang will not protect you from blood modem ghosts – Don’t Click

The Art of the Pickup

Telling a hot chick you just met that she shares a name with your mother is not the hot pickup line you hear in your head – The Ledge

Travel Tips

When checking into any questionable hotel, remember to first check the soap – 6:45

You won't find Jujubees in a small town – Dark Harvest

Biology Field Work

Frothy blood comes from the lungs – The Stairs

Pathology season really picks up during the holidays – Pathology

Even Oxford-educated morgue attendants eat messy sandwiches over corpses – Split Second

Tech Tips

See, all you people who look at my computer screen and wince, SEE: having dozens of tabs open rather than clicking and backtracking is MUCH MORE USEFUL AN EXPERIENCE FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED THANK YOU VERY MUCH – Searching

Career Advice

Being professional means no ogling or drooling – Snowmageddon

Comfortable footwear is the real key to leveling up your career – The Mill

When attending a cocktail party in your third trimester, always accessorize with a purse large enough to hold your bladder – Elevator

Never trust a woman in a blazer – Killer Coworker

Fun Facts About the Holidays

You don't observe Halloween in the manufacturing industry – Totally Killer

The true meaning of Christmas is sacrifice (as in, human) – The Christmas Spirit

Relationships Of All Sorts

It's not a booty call if you live together – Humane

A real friend remembers your life-threatening allergies – It’s What’s Inside

A stranger is just a google search assistant you haven't met -- Run

Getting To Know Satan

The best way to decipher whether a creature is a devil or a fish is to see if it bleeds -- Maneater

The devil may do a lot of bad things, but he also supports waterproof eyeliner – Satan’s Triangle

History Lessons

One should always use some caution with free libraries, but particularly in the 1980s when they weren’t actually a thing – Mr. Crocket

Mansplaining was just as bad in the '90s, particularly if you enjoyed CD shopping at the mall -- Murder At My Door

Traditional 18th century wedding gifts included the timeless apron, but if you REALLY cared about the bride to be, you brought her the severed finger of an executed murderer – The Devil’s Bath

I Can Math

Nothing multiplied by ten still adds up to nothing – The Last Sentinel

Believe In Yourself

You only need three toes to master social media -- Slotherhouse

Senior Living

The best way to distract an old lady is to ask about her grandkids – Jack’s Back

No one can live long enough to deserve the horrors of a children's choir – The Manor

Basic Psychology

Most people don't crave a big breakfast after watching their friend and a batch of strangers murdered the night before – Don’t Look Away

It takes a lot of energy to hate a seven year old – The Passenger

Acting Is Hard

Chekhov is child's play compared to dying in a low budget slasher – Mute Witness

Law Enforcement Facts

Police interrogation videos include are recorded via multiple angles  – Summoned

Basic Survival

You have to do what a girl holding a gun tells you to do – The Blackout Experiment

Zombies are tempted, but not taken by the game of fetch...unless it involves tampons -- It Stains the Sand Red

Lesser Known Hobbies

According to dorks, LARPing is fun – Fantasy Island

The trauma Olympics are way more competitive than glee club – Dark Nature

Words Matter

There's a difference between being lost on a creepy abandoned penal colony and being stranded on a creepy abandoned penal colony – The Breed

Corporate Culture

Nothing gets executive attention like the threat of a virgin sacrifice -- Arcade

And the Most Important Fact of 2024

The Requin