The Lessons We Learned In 2023

We're quickly approaching another anniversary here at the Doll's House, which means we continue our FIFTEENTH annual compilation of some of our favorite Lessons Learned this past year. Take out your notes and get studying! 

Sensory Details

Evil doll activity smells quite a bit like very bad farts — The Doll 

Skincare Is Self Care

If your lover mistakes a snake for your caressing hands, it's probably a note to moisturize more often — Vipers

Having a fresh face makes it easier to connect with your body -- Sissy 

Old men should always remember sunblock — You Should Have Left

The Laws of Man & Morals

Removing a body from a cemetery is both illegal AND sacrilegious — Phantom of the Mall: Eric’s Revenge

The Dos & Don’ts (actually, just don’ts) of Flirting

Trust me: sisters do not ever want to have a threesome with you— House of Darkness 

Fatherly and flirty is not the sexy combination you think it is — Bad Things 

Pushing a fully clothed woman into a hot tub is only acceptable if rain is in the forecast — As the Village Sleeps

The Art of Self Defense 

Guns are powerful, but have you ever tried just heating up a bottle of vegetable oil? — Jackals

When trying to escape from a violent man, the best exit is to run straight into his chest — The 7th Hunt 

Never underestimate a former Girl Scout — Influencer

Introduction to Filmmaking

Nothing helps to meet that runtime more effectively than a montage taken seriously — House of 9

Nothing moves a plot faster than a need for insulin — Deadly Games

When in doubt, send in Max Von Sydow — Citizen X

There is an endless selection of mildly creepy cartoons available through the public domain 

— Skinamarink 

New Jobs for Old Materials

Cling wrap is a broken leg's best friend — Sick

Duct tape: don't babysit without it -- Better Watch Out 

Handy Tips for Home Owners

Bears can't break through bulletproof windows — The Girl In Cabin 13 

Dungeons do not officially count towards the square footage of a home on a standard real estate listing — Barbarian

America: Land of Diversity

Gasoline works differently in the midwest — Children of the Corn 2023 

Illinois teenagers have great memories when it comes to 3rd grade science lessons, but terrible instincts when it comes to understanding the very concept of time — Munger Road 

People in LA are far less patronizing than those in Oregon — Bit

When dining in Texas, avoid eating oysters in bulk — Quicksand

Parenting for Dummies

Selling weed is one way to pay child support — #HoldYourBreath 

Little Known Facts About Interior Design

Yes, the eyeball of any creepy painting is always watching you. Just accept it— Kadaver

Med School: Year One

Medication is great and all but have you ever just tried tickling to reduce panic attacks? — Nocebo 

The ethics of sleep study doctor/patient relationships are, to say the least, muddy — Come True 

C-sections are pretty intuitive operations for non-medical professionals, even in the middle of a forest during a blizzard — Snow White: A Tale of Terror

Fun & Games

You don't have to be a dysfunctional family to be further divided by a game of Scrabble — The Strays

Predictions for a Better Tomorrow

The future may be a dark place where doctors misdiagnose patients without any consequence, but at least we can take comfort in knowing that not only are there multiple variations of nachos, there's also a lot of haunted house-set porn — Dual 

A viral apocalypse is no reason to let your hair lose its bounce — Patient Zero

In & Around the Education System

The higher the school spirit, the better the bake sale — Disturbing Behavior

When your career takes a downturn, your alma mater may downgrade your status from "Harvard alum" to "former Harvard graduate" — Down

You can do a lot of bad things at a frat party, but spilling beer on angora is an unforgivable offense  — Decoys 

Grad students aren't supposed to be good-looking — Decoys 2: The Second Seduction 

No frat party is complete without a fresh vegetable spread — One Missed Call

People, People Who Need People

Nothing is less pleasant than an obsessive coder — Escape the Field

Fashion Forever

When planning a robbery, always wear comfortable athletic clothes (you know, in case the tables are turned and you're left playing the most dangerous game) — Hounded

Bullet-proof vests don't fit well under Miracle Bras — Copycat

Wearing a sweatshirt is a sign of weakness — Resurrection

School for the Obvious

Details matter in every act of creation, whether you're writing a song or sewing a creepy doll — The Follower

Crazy idea, I know, but hear me out: if you discover a gooey glowing substance eating away at many layers of metal, perhaps the best course of action is not to touch it — Sea Fever

Science!

The dirtier your research facilities, the more revolutionary the research — Breeder

The Opposite of Science!

The bigger the curse, the better the flowers — Offseason 

Food & Beverage Adjacent

Poisonous berries don't taste much worse than power bars — The Aviary

A good detective never wastes a half-eaten banana — Death Count

The first taste of moonshine is never good, but keep going and the chest hair will grow — In the Year 2889

Don't knock eating placenta until, well, you're starving and have nothing to eat but placenta

— Centigrade

There are few ways to die that are sadder than doing so in the middle of boiling frozen hot dogs

— The Innocents

Temperature: The Movie

 

I know I've said this before, but there are no rules that say I can't simply say it again: "inspired by true events" is a dumb way to introduce anything.

EVERYTHING is "inspired by true events". Writers are human beings. Everything they make up comes from some sort of inspiration of something that happened at some point in the world. All it ever means is, "we have a story that will feel more impressive if you think it sort of happened to people who aren't the characters in our actual movie."

Anyway, today's feature, Centigrade (no, the title doesn't make particular sense either) exists because our screenwriter read a story and said, "I guess the bare bones of this could be my movie."

So here we are.

Quick Plot: At eight months pregnant, writer Naomi is traveling Norway in winter with her husband Matt for a book signing. A bad case of freezing rain makes them decide to pull over, only for the couple to fall asleep and awaken to a dying cell phone, dead car, and heavy coat of ice and snow coating their presence.

Naturally, spirits fall quickly. One herring sandwich and a box of chocolates can only go so far, particularly when Naomi's panic attack sends her into early labor. As you'd expect with pretty much any story like this, tensions escalate as the temperature drops. Bickering turns to confrontation which then cools to two very stupid people having a very hard time figuring out how to exit a car.

Movies are fantasy, movies are escape, movies don't have to follow rules of logic...if they're any good. Centigrade is not, which means virtually every decision (or lack thereof) made by writer/director Brendan Walsh and co-writer Daley Nixon's script encourages the audience to scream in frustration. Worse, much like Quicksand, we lose any real sense of claustrophobia because for whatever reason, Walsh won't keep his camera in the damn car.

I say that in anger, but I also would have sold my fictional firstborn to a gold-spinning goblin to end the ETERNITY of Naomi's newborn crying...and crying...and crying...

Even my cat was ready to bust that sunroof open.

WHICH DIDN'T LOOK THAT HARD TO DO.

Deep breath: I hated this movie, and based on IMDB, I'm not alone. The actors do what they can, but this is one of those decent setups with both bland and dumb execution, all made worse by the fact that clearly, the filmmaking team has the ability to make an actual movie. The characters are idiots with nothing redeeming save for an eventual cute baby. The eventual cute baby CRIES LOUDLY ONSCREEN FOR FIVE MINUTES. But hey, there is a high point!

High Points
I love a good cello, and the instrumental score of Centigrade has a lot of it. So that's something!

Low Points
Let's be clear: Centigrade is not a true story (remember, INSPIRED BY). So why does the ending include title card summaries of where our characters are now? Sure, characters in a movie aren't real, but there's something that feels even less real about making us think they are

Lessons Learned
In a pinch, wadded towels make suitable wee-wee pads

Don't knock eating placenta until, well, you're starving and have nothing to eat but placenta

You would think this goes without saying, but apparently, some people don't know that it is generally not recommended to fly across the world when 8 months pregnant for a Norwegian book tour that takes place at the height of winter

Rent/Bury/Buy
I watched Centigrade on Hulu because it was leaving that service. I don't know where it landed, and I'm not going to take the time to look. Instead, I'll simply pull over, take a nap, eat some herring, let my cell phone battery drain, and just wait things out until I'm starving to death and need a plan. Yes, that about sums things up here.

We've Got a Long Way to Go

I'll never pass over a nuclear apocalypse story, even if it carries a whopping 2.8 out of 10 rating on IMDB...or maybe ESPECIALLY if it carries a 2.8 out of 10. This is me we're talking about.

Quick Plot: Nuclear bombs have dropped throughout the world, with an immediate death count over 3 billion. Retired military captain John Ramsay has figured out how to survive the incoming radiation with a safe home and enough supplies for three people: himself, daughter Joanna, and son-in-law-that-wasn't-to-be Larry. Instead, he begrudgingly opens his doors to five strangers: solid Steve and his radiation-covered brother Granger, jerky Las Vegas stud Mickey  and his danger galpal Jada, and older alcoholic Tim.

John is the kind of guy who spent ten years preparing his house for this exact kind of disaster AND making a scaled diorama of it to show off to eventual guests. He and Joanna quickly take a shine to the stable and smart Steve, but Granger turns everyone off. He not only survives but thrives with his radiation sickness, though side effects include a taste for raw meat.

Other rumblings begin: Mickey gets hot for Joanna, which riles Jada, who relaxes with Tim's moonshine, which offends the straight-laced John, and so on. It's not The Divide levels of conflict, but it stirs enough to put the whole group in danger.

At barely 80 minutes, In the Year 2889 is rather abrupt, both in its ending and general flow. Oddly enough, it's far more defined on some of its characterization. John makes for the kind of believably conservative military veteran who would immediately assign the young man he's never met the second in command role over his own intelligent daughter because, you know, the patriarchy. Joanna has a conscience, Mickey is a slimy villain whose motivations are clear and gross, and Jada lends some spark while being terribly judged by those around her.

That's not really to say this is good stuff. In the Year 2889 was a made-for-television movie and unofficial (though near verbatim) remake of Roger Corman's Day the World Ended. Directed by Larry Buchanan, it's incredibly stiff and visually lazy. Our end-of-the-world landscape is simply the green woods outside John's secluded house, while the mutated villains (take that with a wildly thick grain of salt considering the attitudes of our heroes) wear makeup that amounts to a few stray pieces of gunk glued to their faces. There's just not much here.

High Points
This is one of those films that feels so lacking in ambition that it's hard to summon much enthusiasm for any real aspect of it, so I guess I'll pause to think about how much more fun this all would have been if lumpy drunk Tim and sassy dancing Jada were the last two people on the planet

Low Points

I don't need every nuclear disaster story to end like Threads, but by golly, the sunny nice day sudden resolution defies not only how radiation works, but how any kind of storytelling stakes should go

Lessons Learned
Cowards only fight on their own terms and conditions

The first taste of moonshine is never good, but keep going and the chest hair will grow

Radiation poisoning will hinder your balance, though more at fault is likely the rubber mask that comes with radiation poisoning

Rent/Bury/Buy

I don't think anyone will really get much out of In the Year 2889. The story has been told in far more interesting ways and with much more vibrant style in countless iterations. Still, if you're a completist like me, it's a quick watch on Amazon Prime. 

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Theater Kid Spurned

 

Saw ripoffs have a very, very special place in my heart. They're mostly terrible but sometimes, if you're lucky, they're terrible in such bizarre ways that you can't help but be entertained.

Quick Plot: Eight adults awaken in ugly jumpsuits and an uglier dungeon furnished with a toolbox of weapons and a camera to watch their moves. Yes, it's the same setup as at least ten low budget horror movies a year post-Saw, but this one has one of the more hilarious twists I've ever seen (and folks, I've seen a LOT of these kinds of movies).

See normally, "eight adults" is actually "eight strangers" but in this case, they're coworkers. From the janitor to the superintendent, it's a full roster of high school employees who were all complicit in the suicide of a former teacher. Their crime?

Hold onto your diploma for my favorite SPOILER ALERT of all time: they defunded the theater department.

No, seriously.

See, the late teacher in question lost her reason to live after she lost the chance to direct an adaptation of And Then There Were None (which according to this film's exposition, was a "short story turned into a play written by Agatha Christie"). This led her bitter mother to hire assassin The Warden played by a fully masked Costas Mandylor (as if this production couldn't afford his cheekbones) to kidnap a batch of the people she held responsible to broadcast their torture across The Internet.

Yes, there's an INTERNET component to this movie, which brings in my other favorite element of Death Count: THE COPS.

Michael Madsen "stars" as the veteran detective who misses the old days (you know, before kids did things like TEXTING). After having far too great a time making jokes about the possible mutilation and death of 8 (fairly) innocent people, he and his partner are able to locate the game, thanks in no small part to that AWFUL thing called "the internet".

In their defense, there's little to WANT to save about these people. Aside from our lead Rachel (probably the only passable performance by Sarah French), these characters are not just stupid, but inconsistently stupid. The Warden issues clear instructions with clear, proven consequences (Battle Royale head explosion devices, mustard gas poisoning, and so on). Every round, one player vehemently refuses to participate and dies horribly while the others scream at them to just follow the rules. The next round, one of the former screamers...vehemently refuses to participate and dies horribly.

At just 82 minutes (the last two of which switch gears to an even more hilarious commentary by strangers who watched the events of the movie on the INTERNET) Death Count wastes little time. It probably couldn't, as it seems fairly clear that actors filmed most of their scenes over the course of a day or two (more likely, a day...probably, a morning). 

This is my kind of mess.

High Points
Nothing here looks pretty, but credit must be given to the effects team who do some genuinely gnarly work when it comes to the horrific death devices

Low Points

The "lots of stressed kidnappees screaming wildly" element is standard for these kinds of movies, but that doesn't mean it's ever enjoyable

Kooky Credits
I always enjoy the "special thanks" section of a movie like this and by golly, Death Count did not disappoint because this film has FOUR categorizations of gratitude in an order that makes me even more confused. In descending order, we get:
1) WISH TO THANK
2) VERY SPECIAL THANKS
3) SPECIAL THANKS
4) THANKS

Shockingly, "the filmmakers of Saw" are never mentioned, which is strange because the movie itself name-checks that franchise at least four times.

Lessons Learned
Qualifications for being the superintendent do not include knowing how fire works

A good detective never wastes a half-eaten banana

Friendship should be earned, not retweeted

Rent/Bury/Buy
If I wasn't clear, let me be so here: this is a terrible movie. You will hate everyone on camera, chuckle at their ineptitude, then roar at the extreme way they're punished. Sadly we don't have any Saw sharks, but Michael Madsen gets to cash his check and writers Rolfe Kanefsky and Michael Merino teach an intense lesson about what happens when you defund the arts. Required viewing for school boards everywhere.