Not So Quick After All, Are You?

We all know the meme, and yes, it's true: of all the things movies taught us to fear, quicksand is second only to spiders in terms of its silliness. Still, just as those eight legs sticking out of bulbous abdomens inevitably chill us, the idea of drowning slowly in gooey wet earth remains an easy way to make us squirm. 

Quick Plot: Sophia and Josh are a soon-to-be-divorced couple scheduled to give presentations at a medical conference in Bogota, Sophia's former home. They're miserable but trying to survive the week with some touch of civility so Sophia can restart her career, which she put on hold in order to focus on raising their two young children. Tired of missing out on the good stuff, Sophia insists on taking a hike. Josh joins, as does a snake-hunting pickpocket. 

A scuffle ensues, and to avoid the thief's gun, the couple run straight into Las Arenas, the spot on the map locals warn against. Sophia quickly tumbles into a vat of titular quicksand. Demonstrating some extremely poor decision-making under pressure, Josh leaps in to join her.

The generation raised on Beastmaster and The Neverending Story has obviously logged some extremely long hours in order to develop a better understanding of what to do to avoid what always sounded like the absolute worst possible way to die. Sophie and Josh are doctors with just enough knowledge to not immediately drown. They also have enough medical knowledge to identify the body that floats to the surface of their small pool as a death by starvation fate, meaning no one is likely coming to save them.

Written by Fringe and Westworld alum Matt Pitts and directed by Andres Beltran, Quicksand is a great idea with good execution. The film wastes little time setting its high stakes, but it also never feels as confined as it could. Part of that is the side non-quicksand action, but even the tightness between Josh and Sophia should have more tension. 

Maybe the issue is that the most dreadful aspect of mythical '80s movie quicksand -- the agonizing drowning in sludgy cruel nature -- is pretty quickly taken off the table. Instead, the danger comes from unimpressive CGI ants, slightly more impressive snakes, and the threat of eventual starvation. Way less sexy, if you ask me.

High Points

A near two-person show like this requires strong characters and performances, and while it takes a little time to warm up to the guarded Sophie and a little too loose Josh, over the 90 minute running time, Carolina Gaitan and Allan Hawco do great work in slowly breaking down their walls to give us a fully layered view of their life together

Low Points

The away-from-the-quicksand action is necessary for this variation of the script and in truth, is handled better than it could have been, but at the same time, shifting from imminent death by exotic wildlife to miscommunication in a fancy hotel takes so much away from the tension of Sophia and Josh's plight

Lessons Learned

Always read the guidebook in full

Ants hate nothing more than sweaty pants vodka

When dining in Texas, avoid eating oysters in bulk

Rent/Bury/Buy

The internet told me to go into Quicksand with low expectations and as a result, I had a much better time than I expected. That being said, it's been a few days since I watched Quicksand and in that time, I've found myself thinking a lot about all the little things it could have done more effectively. If you're itching for some natural element/rainforest-themed horror, this should lend some satisfaction. Just don't expect too much.