Monday, January 22, 2024

The Lessons We Learned In 2023

We're quickly approaching another anniversary here at the Doll's House, which means we continue our FIFTEENTH annual compilation of some of our favorite Lessons Learned this past year. Take out your notes and get studying! 

Sensory Details

Evil doll activity smells quite a bit like very bad fartsThe Doll 

Skincare Is Self Care

If your lover mistakes a snake for your caressing hands, it's probably a note to moisturize more often — Vipers

Having a fresh face makes it easier to connect with your body -- Sissy 

Old men should always remember sunblockYou Should Have Left

The Laws of Man & Morals

Removing a body from a cemetery is both illegal AND sacrilegious Phantom of the Mall: Eric’s Revenge

The Dos & Don’ts (actually, just don’ts) of Flirting

Trust me: sisters do not ever want to have a threesome with you House of Darkness 

Fatherly and flirty is not the sexy combination you think it is Bad Things 

Pushing a fully clothed woman into a hot tub is only acceptable if rain is in the forecast — As the Village Sleeps

The Art of Self Defense 

Guns are powerful, but have you ever tried just heating up a bottle of vegetable oil?Jackals

When trying to escape from a violent man, the best exit is to run straight into his chestThe 7th Hunt 

Never underestimate a former Girl Scout — Influencer

Introduction to Filmmaking

Nothing helps to meet that runtime more effectively than a montage taken seriouslyHouse of 9

Nothing moves a plot faster than a need for insulin — Deadly Games

When in doubt, send in Max Von Sydow Citizen X

There is an endless selection of mildly creepy cartoons available through the public domain 

— Skinamarink 

New Jobs for Old Materials

Cling wrap is a broken leg's best friend — Sick

Duct tape: don't babysit without it -- Better Watch Out 

Handy Tips for Home Owners

Bears can't break through bulletproof windows The Girl In Cabin 13 

Dungeons do not officially count towards the square footage of a home on a standard real estate listing — Barbarian

America: Land of Diversity

Gasoline works differently in the midwest Children of the Corn 2023 

Illinois teenagers have great memories when it comes to 3rd grade science lessons, but terrible instincts when it comes to understanding the very concept of time — Munger Road 

People in LA are far less patronizing than those in Oregon Bit

When dining in Texas, avoid eating oysters in bulk Quicksand

Parenting for Dummies

Selling weed is one way to pay child support#HoldYourBreath 

Little Known Facts About Interior Design

Yes, the eyeball of any creepy painting is always watching you. Just accept itKadaver

Med School: Year One

Medication is great and all but have you ever just tried tickling to reduce panic attacks? — Nocebo 

The ethics of sleep study doctor/patient relationships are, to say the least, muddy — Come True 

C-sections are pretty intuitive operations for non-medical professionals, even in the middle of a forest during a blizzard — Snow White: A Tale of Terror

Fun & Games

You don't have to be a dysfunctional family to be further divided by a game of Scrabble The Strays

Predictions for a Better Tomorrow

The future may be a dark place where doctors misdiagnose patients without any consequence, but at least we can take comfort in knowing that not only are there multiple variations of nachos, there's also a lot of haunted house-set porn Dual 

A viral apocalypse is no reason to let your hair lose its bounce Patient Zero

In & Around the Education System

The higher the school spirit, the better the bake sale — Disturbing Behavior

When your career takes a downturn, your alma mater may downgrade your status from "Harvard alum" to "former Harvard graduate" Down

You can do a lot of bad things at a frat party, but spilling beer on angora is an unforgivable offense  — Decoys 

Grad students aren't supposed to be good-looking — Decoys 2: The Second Seduction 

No frat party is complete without a fresh vegetable spread — One Missed Call

People, People Who Need People

Nothing is less pleasant than an obsessive coder — Escape the Field

Fashion Forever

When planning a robbery, always wear comfortable athletic clothes (you know, in case the tables are turned and you're left playing the most dangerous game) Hounded

Bullet-proof vests don't fit well under Miracle BrasCopycat

Wearing a sweatshirt is a sign of weakness — Resurrection

School for the Obvious

Details matter in every act of creation, whether you're writing a song or sewing a creepy doll — The Follower

Crazy idea, I know, but hear me out: if you discover a gooey glowing substance eating away at many layers of metal, perhaps the best course of action is not to touch it — Sea Fever


The dirtier your research facilities, the more revolutionary the research Breeder

The Opposite of Science!

The bigger the curse, the better the flowers — Offseason 

Food & Beverage Adjacent

Poisonous berries don't taste much worse than power bars The Aviary

A good detective never wastes a half-eaten banana  Death Count

The first taste of moonshine is never good, but keep going and the chest hair will grow — In the Year 2889

Don't knock eating placenta until, well, you're starving and have nothing to eat but placenta


There are few ways to die that are sadder than doing so in the middle of boiling frozen hot dogs

The Innocents

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