Thursday, August 4, 2011

Let's Ride An Italian Stallion To Stationary Independence!

If you’re like me this summer, the word 'vacation' has no meaning. Isn't that awesome? Think of all the stab-happy hillbillies you won't have to flee, the cell phone signals in your office so strong they'll leave bruises, and the now unnecessary adorable but sickle-wielding Amish kids who hate you because corn told them they should.

That’s right, think positive. We're not talking about all the pina coladas we're not drinking, the fanny packs not usefully serving as storage and belly fat coverup or the license plate keychains we don’t even get to search through for our names. If you mention such glories of vacation, I'll have my cell phone signal punch you in the face.

So to combat the utter sluggishness of, you know, not going anywhere, let's GO somewhere! Virtually! It's like a futuristic road trip without the leg cramps and motion sickness.
First, break out that gold chain and spray tan for The Blood Sprayer's Italian Invasion! The always busy horror site is busting with special posts on giallo, Bava, cannibalism, and more. It's way better than Domino's pizza, unless you're drunk and Domino's pizza is then way better than just about anything in the world that ever existed ever. If you need a starting point, head yonder here for my own review of my frenemy Dario Argento's 1987 pseudo-Phantom adaption, Opera

Yup, this happens.
My, that was exotic! International even! We need to balance this virtualation with some good old fashioned American moviedom, namely, a bunch of indie flicks over at Rogue Cinema.This month, I reviewed the found footage horror Evil Things and the unique mystery Dogs Lie. There's plenty more in the August Issue, including an interview with Tim "Doll Man" (or more excitingly to me, Gangland) Thomerson.

He's the one that reallllllly wants to get to Arizona.
Wasn’t that fun? And look, there was no humorless fondling by TSA agents or socially awkward hitchhikers to make us feel uncomfortable with the stat of Texas. Heck, nobody even broke into our house when we were gone to steal our famous jewels and then get stuck inside an evil death trap orchestrated by our no-good exterminator! 

Maybe vacations aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.

Keep telling yourself that Emily.


  1. I completely disagree with your thoughts on vacations not being all they're cracked up to be, now if you'll excuse me, my cell-phone signal is low, so I'll investigate the mysterious rustling outside without any form of light or communication, yes, going on vacation in the middle of the Texan wilderness was definitely smart...Hello? Who's that? Oh, you're just a kid, what do you wa...

  2. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. The children have foregoed sacrificing me to their corn, but they are doing so to put me through the ultimate torture, having me watch a German dub of an Asian horror/crime hybrid with no available subtitles, and build up a summary for a review. As it turns out, it's not at all easy to summarise a movie where women are attacked by thieves who morph into Evil Whispers and Pierre Kirby, fresh from fighting a giant snake, now has to defend Hong Kong from an EVIL cult! And no, I didn't merely dream this movie's existence!

  4. So it sounds like a cross between Wings of Desire and Anaconda, but with satanism tossed in and set in Hong Kong? Those little heavily dressed children are ever so considerate to reign upon you such a joyous viewing experience!

  5. Wings of Desire?
    Yes, that's basically it. That and the satanic cult uses the mystical eldritch powers of watermelons to give themselves dominion over the film's print, making it turn into negative colour! That, and cats! But not just any cats, no...NEGAVERSE CATS!
    As a heads up, this films is called Crackdown Mission, but not that that would help you to find anything out about this movie. There's practically only one result for it on the whole World Wide Web, and it's in German (which thanks to the translating awe of google translator, is completely untranslatable into sensical English)!

  6. Goodness do I love Google Translator. It makes everything sound incredibly adorable.

  7. Its like a deadlydolls field trip!

    Vacation is out of the question this year also for myself, but thats ok.. i won't end up in a body bag in cuba. Or come back minus a kidney after an argentinian sojourn.

  8. Or just come home from work and find it's been invaded by no goodnicks. We can't win!