Lessons Learned, Year 8

 

When done right, tradition is a beautiful thing. 

When done at the Doll's House, it's an educational thing. 

That's right: another year (number 8!!!) has ended, and while the official celebration happens next week with my look back at the best films I reviewed here this year, our preamble begins as always with a cumulative list of some of the most important, life-saving lessons amassed over the last 365 days.

As always, links to original review (and additional lessons) included.

Recent History

In the early 2000s, going to New Orleans was considered retro --Dark Ride

In the 1970s, it was totally acceptable for a nurse to seduce a mental patient providing foreplay involved a two-hour bath and extended dance party--Slaughter Hotel  
 

 

Around the House
Never store your sunscreen in a junk drawer --The Tortured

Candles are great props for home theater, but safety rules about keeping them away from curtains should still apply--After

Iron bars might not be the most inviting way to decorate your windows, but if they keep the evil wood monsters away from your baby, perhaps you should get over your HGTV snobbery and deal with it --The Hallow 
 
Never put your head under a window that doesn’t have a stopper, particularly if said window is in a room with sticky evil mirror fragments--The Boogey Man 

Behind the Wheel
The friendlier the cab driver, the higher the probability that he’s a satanist--Devil's Due

Don’t drive like an idiot and you won’t have to butterfly effect your life into a boring mess--The Butterfly Effect 2

The Laws of Modern Relationships
When parents get divorced, daddies move to Oregon--Daddy's Girl

If a man doesn’t think you’re worth brand name candy, that is not a man for you

--Holidays

Getting your intended's parents to like you is a key element in the courting ritual--Homecoming

You don’t just unzip a man and say good night--Messiah of Evil

If you feel guilty about almost killing your girlfriend with your careless driving, the best way of showing it is to simply ignore her. She'll get the message -- Stalked By My Doctor

International Relations
In Austria, an unlocked door is an open invitation for Red Cross volunteers to enter your home--Good Night Mommy

Hell hath no fury like a li'l Canadian with an evil doll--Friday the 13th: The Series

 

Anthology Truths
Sigh. The usual. If you have boobs, a V/H/S camera will ogle them. If you have a vagina, you won't be allowed to do anything behind the camera. If you have motion sickness, a V/H/S camera will jam its fingers down your throat and vomit you. You get it.  --V/H/S Viral

For the Ladies
Edward Furlong is really good at naked cuddling - Awaken

 

Manliness
A man who cries is a man who cannot haggle--Pompeii

A real man knows how to pick any lock, particularly one sealing a chastity belt --The Black Plague

 

Technology!
Chat Roulette can be a surprisingly useful resource for potentially protecting yourself from vengeful ghosts -- Unfriended 

 

Antisocial Behavior Made Easy
Cottages are a great way to avoid committees and teas--Burn Witch Burn 

Apocalyptic Predictions  
If the 2016 presidential election hadn’t already established this, I’ll just go ahead and say it: North Carolina may be the beginning of the end

--Alien Abduction

Many things will be extinct should the earth experience a devastating drought in the future, but none more missed than hair ties--The Last Survivors

 

Insulting Etiquette
Never call a psychotic repressed Christian homosexual “old”--Let Us Prey 

Science!
Encyclopedias may seem like ancient relics on your bookshelves, but take away the internet and how else are you going to learn which berries won't kill you? --Into the Forest

In addition to sex and fighting, cyborgs are also very talented at knitting scarves--Cyborg 2

 

Law Enforcement
The physics of explosions are beyond mere cop comprehension--No Man's Land 

Friendship
Real friendship means shaving you pal's upper back and letting him pour acid on your face--They Look Like People 

 

The Teenage Female 
If you’re food shopping for a teenage girl in any movie made after 1995, always assume she’s a vegetarian to avoid the well-meaning offering of jerky only to have her tell you what I just did--Insidious: Chapter 3

Nothing celebrates turning 15 better than a murder confession and bouncy house--Besties

Eating a lot of chicken may bring on early menstruation--#Horror 

 

Self Help
One reason for not being happy all the time is that you're just not drinking all the time--
Darr@theMall

You know, don't kill innocent people and you won't go to hell or be forced to relieve a horrible monster chase for eternity--Southbound 

 

Fashion Tips
Never trust a man who wears a sports jacket to the beach (or a man who's Eric Roberts)--Stalked by My Doctor: The Return

Childcare Basics
If a conversation continues so long that it turns into a montage, it just may give a kidnapper enough time to swipe a child right out from under you--Kruel

Medical Emergency 101
The cure for a gushing stab wound is boiled water--Most Likely to Die 

Self-Defense Tips
Never bring a broken bicycle to a pitchfork fight--The Forest

Dining Out
Every town has a diner known for its pancakes--Creep 

 

Beverage Fun FactsNothing celebrates being demon-free better than an ice cold glass of Orange Crush--Ava's Possessions 

Drinking Fosters in a gay club will make you incredibly desirable to evil mummies--The Tale of the Mummy 

The Feminine MystiqueShockingly, women aren't thrilled when you announce your engagement to them before actually asking if they want to get married --The Visitor

A woman's heart does not have enough room for both prayer and creative writing--Ungodly Acts

 

 

Home Security 101
Butterflies make excellent guard dogs when it comes to backwoods cults--Bleed

As any rule of horror cinema goes, the cooler the house, the bloodier the party--The Invitation

 

Millennials
When you meet a group of self-aware white twentysomethings, always assume they're filming you. Trust me: they are--The Houses October Built

 

Ranting Lesson to Male Directors

Look guys, I get it. Hot chicks wearing bras are hot. You know what hot chicks in bras are not? SLEEPING. Women. Don't. Sleep. In. Bras. Male directors who don't wear bras, talk to the women in your life or the actresses in your movie and ask them what they wear to bed. Trust me, it's not a piece of clothing with wires that dig into your sternum designed to keep your breasts in place when being active during the day. Do you wear a tie to bed? EXACTLY. --Leprechaun: Origins 

 

RSVP Affirmatively

Karyn Kusama is a filmmaker I will always root for. The studio interference riddled Aeon Flux aisde, her filmography (the brilliant real and insightful Girlfight and the woefully mismarketed clever bite of Jennifer's Body) demonstrates that she has a fantastically smart cinematic voice that should be heard more. This is generally reinforced when you read interviews where she discusses both her work and the pretty crappy way the Hollywood has treated her in comparison to her male peers.

Hence, there was no question that I was not going to give her latest, the well-received thriller The Invitation, a go, especially when it landed on Netflix Instant. I had previously avoided reading anything about it because other viewers had led me to believe it was an easily spoiled twisty tale. While it's not quite the mind flip I wax expecting, please see that I'm proceeding cautiously in my review, giving only the basic roundup before delving into full spoiler territory. Those who haven't seen the film should feel safe reading until the warning.

Quick Plot: Will and his new girlfriend Kira are reluctantly attending a dinner party thrown by his ex-wife Eden in her gorgeous, secluded LA home with her own new beau Daario N--

I mean, David. 

Eden and Will lost their young son to a terrible tragedy, and while Will is still constantly suffering from the memory, Eden seems to have dealt with it in a more zen (and obviously, creepy) manner. She and David explain this to Will, Kira, and a few other old friends by showing them a video introduction to their "support group", which Will (and the audience) immediately pinpoints as a cult. Is it the kind of murder-heavy/wallet-gouging cult we tend to think of when we hear the very word, or just a peaceful, open-minded way of living and learning to forgive yourself?

The Invitation is a tricky film to discuss, because part of its power comes from the audience not quite knowing what to expect, who to trust, or even what kind of movie you're actually watching. On that note, I'll give a hearty recommendation right here, and delve into the burning intensity of SPOILER territory below.

From the opening moment where Will hits a roving coyote with his car, there's a quiet sense of dread simmering underneath the surface of The Invitation. The beauty of the film lies, in part, in how Kusama makes us question whether it's something truly dangerous or just the awkward nerves that come standard with these kinds of social gatherings. 

It's an incredibly tense mood that helps to keep the audience on constant edge. The idea of Will being a possible unreliable narrator certainly doesn't hurt, and as much as I was mostly convinced that Eden and her crew were up to something sinister, I also felt myself let out a strained sigh when it truly seemed as if Will was just misinterpreting social cues. Naturally, this makes the actual reveal that much more effective.

I loved The Invitation, and not just because of my weird obsession with any cult-based horror. Kusama's staging could have satisfied me even if it turned out that Eden and David WERE just overly friendly hippie party hosts and that Will was reading far too much into everything. The tension Kusama creates is something very skilled and incredibly intense. Perhaps more importantly, there's subtext and depth underneath it. This isn't just a horror movie about trying to dodge your cyanide-and-knife-wielding-friends. It's also a meditation on dealing with grief and  fascinating probe into the nightmare of socializing.

It's a good one.

High Points

Much should be said for the screenplay (by Phil Hay and Matt Manfredi) and Kusama's decisions to not force introductions and explanations, bot of the characters' relationships to one another and the actual big picture reveal of sorts at the end. The audience is never fumbling to figure out who's who because the script and direction guides you well enough along that you can figure it out as if you were just another guest at the party

Low Points

Much like I said about American Mary, I could have taken another hour of this film (especially with its fairly brief 100 minute run time). If that doesn't speak highly about a movie, what does?

Lessons Learned

As any rule of horror cinema goes, the cooler the house, the bloodier the party

If your ex-wife's new boyfriend seems way too comfortable with you, you should indeed be suspicious and expecting him to attempt to murder you

Never be the first to toast. Ever.

Rent/Bury/Buy

While I enjoyed watching The Invitation, this was one of those films that improved in my estimation the more I thought about it after the fact. From the way the film plays with who to trust to the skillful way it establishes the setting's geography, this is an incredibly well-crafted movie well worth a lights-out phone-away watch. Dig it. 

You Know. The Usual

Generic title. Generic plot. Generic Instant Watch.

Let’s do this.

Quick Plot: Sarah is a happily married young woman nearing the birth of her first daughter with doctor husband Matt. The couple has just bought a lovely home located in one of those creepy horror movie towns where everybody is shifty and the only thing to do is ghost hunt at the local abandoned prison. 

Despite her imminent labor, Sarah and Matt invite pals (schizophrenic-and-dealing-with-it Brie and her boyfriend) and her lazy hipster twin brother and his girlfriend to spend a few days in their new home. Naturally, a visit to the haunted abandoned prison is in order and much hell breaks loose.

Bleed is not a very good movie, but it's filled with way better than it deserves performances from a likable and natural young cast. Lead actress Chelsey Crisp held my attention well, even when the film spun off into an absolute mess of, well, backwoods satanic supernatural occultists.

Now I know what you're thinking: backwoods satanic supernatural occultists sounds like a good time, or at least a fun category on match.com. But for all its barely 80 minute running time, Bleed just never seems to want to tell its actual story. There's a very loose connection established between Sarah and the town's history, but the central mystery is so clunkily parsed out that it's impossible to care. Weirdly enough, perhaps that helps the mean, unearned ending not actually hit as hard. So that’s something.

High Points

I really did find most of the young cast quite effective in their underwritten parts, so good on all six of those attractive thespians. May you move on to stories that actually let you do something interesting

Low Points

The idea of including a character actively dealing with schizophrenia in a horror movie that's going to involve some wild supernatural imagery is clever and rife with potential. Unfortunately, all that's done with it is forcing poor actress Brittany Ishibashi to chomp on antipsychotic medication as if it was M&Ms

Lessons Learned

Free-spirited millennials who don't bathe regularly have remarkable pedicures

Butterflies make excellent guard dogs when it comes to backwoods cults

If you happen to have a half moon tattoo, avoid mysterious towns with abandoned prisons and creepy law enforcement

Rent/Bury/Buy

Tripp Rhame's Bleed is a more competently shot independent horror movie than a lot of its Netflix Instant's competition, but its story is so poorly put together that it's pretty impossible to actually recommend. If you're killing time, it's more watchable than a lot of other low budget horror fare (mostly due to its strong cast) but man, the scares are messy, the story needed two more revisions, and the ending is the kind of face smack that just leaves you feeling bitter and betrayed. Skip it. 

Code Green

Remember the 2003 power outage that took out all the lights on the U.S. eastern seaboard? If you were hanging out with your parents on break from college, playing Scrabble by candlelight and having some beer with your dogs, it was kind of fun. But had that outage continued for weeks, then months, then years, it would be, well, not LESS fun because if your best skill was Scrabble then you would probably be dead before anything got too intense, but you know...you see the point.

Quick Plot: Nelly, a brainy high school student, and Eva, a dancer, live with their widowed father in a secluded modern home surrounded by forestry. One night, without any warning, the power goes out...everywhere.

With limited gasoline, the family makes one trip into town to learn that supplies are quickly disappearing and some suspicious characters may be one toecutter away from a Mad Max -esque society (the first one; we're not quite in mohawk territory just yet). Thankfully, the house has a large supply of food and water, so things should work out just fine until the nation puts everything back in order.

Because THAT'S HOW THESE MOVIES END RIGHT?

A freak accident leaves Nelly and Eva alone, save for the occasional threats of marauders and dreamboats with the ability to split up the tight pair. Between boredom, fear, and possible starvation, can the gals make it?

Based on a novel of the same name, Into the Forest doesn't quite fit your typical picture of a post-apocalyptic survival tale. As written and directed by Patricia Rozema, this is a quiet almost coming-of-age story about two young women figuring out what life is now that their world has completely shattered. The once SAT obsessed Nelly refocuses her intelligence on flora and fauna, while Eva slowly puts away her Alvin Ailey dreams for more primal matters. More importantly, the women need to learn how to trust and challenge each other.

I wasn't expecting what I got with Into the Forest, but much like the similar in tone How I Live Now, I was thoroughly satisfied. Ellen Page and Evan Rachel Wood have always been exceptional actresses with mature taste in projects, and it's kind of amazing here how both can believably play teenagers while bringing a certain actorly wisdom to their craft. They joke like sisters, fight like sisters, and ultimately display that kind of familial bond that is as frustrating as it is strong.

Where the story may lose some viewers is in its pacing. Not much really happens in the conventional plot-sense of Into the Forest, and we never see the bigger picture of how the rest of the world is handling the disaster. For me, that was fine: Nelly and Eva are compelling enough on their own that I was thoroughly satisfied with the story being told to me, even if I went into it expecting more action. This is a slow, thoughtful tale, and if you enter it knowing that, I think you'll find a lot.

High Points

I don't know much about director Rozema, but I absolutely loved her approach to the material in all areas of filmmaking. At the risk of bringing up something unimportant in order to make a point about its importance, let's focus for a moment on how nudity is handled onscreen. Because of what the characters are going through, there are times when it makes sense for them to, well, not be fully clothed. In the hands of another director, this could have read as gratuitous or worse, falsely coy (see: my constant annoyance when female characters wear bras to bed to avoid an R-rating). In the case of Into the Forest, these moments read perfectly natural. It's fascinating how far that goes in putting the audience at absolute comfort and trust with the material. 

Low Points

While obvious decisions about timing had to made in a movie that stretches just around two years, some feel a little abrupt in terms of skipping over key periods of character/world development

Lessons Learned

The danger of nicknaming your children after vegetables becomes far more apparent during times of famine

Encyclopedias may seem like ancient relics on your bookshelves, but take away the internet and how else are you going to learn which berries won't kill you? 

Sisters exist primarily to help assist in childbirth

Rent/Bury/Buy

If, like me, you froth at the suggestion of anything set at the start of a new apocalypse, then you’ll probably want to check out Into the Forest on those merits alone. So long as you know you’re getting a quiet, sisterly survival tale and now an assless chap-filled action romp, then I think you’ll find the experience rather beautiful. 

All the Best

Whatever your holiday of choice is this season, I hope you have a grand one.

Back soon!

Mark Your Calendar

How has nobody ever thought of this before? A horror anthology composed of shorts set on the calendar’s major holidays. It’s a no-brainer.

And, much like Southbound, a pretty pleasant surprise.

Valentine’s Day

Written and directed by the team behind Starry Eyes, the first segment follows a teenage outcast named Maxine (unfortunately nicknamed Maxi Pad) as she nurses an intense crush on her gym teacher while her classmates brutally tease her. There's nothing overly revolutionary about the story or execution, but it's a well-told tale that's perfectly satisfying in its brief running time.

St Patrick's Day

Set in Ireland, this one follows a pleasant schoolteacher who tries to welcome a mysteriously moody new student into her class, only to have, well, a very unpleasant but somewhat welcomed surprise pregnancy via a Danny Zuko-esque snake worshipper. Directed by Gary Hore (Dracula Untold), this is a grotesquely funny and weirdly sweet horror comedy of sorts. Lead Ruth Bradley (wonderful in Grabbers) plays it perfectly, and the final reveal is one of the most adorably weird things I’ve seen in a while.

Easter

Easily my favorite, Nicholas McCarthy (The Pact) spins a bizarre little yarn about how a curious young girl (the delightful Crazy Ex-Girlfriend’s Ava Acres)’s questions about the specifics the Easter Bunny and Jesus’s resurrection leads to meeting a truly inspired and gross monster creation. The writing is on point here, as the little girl’s conversation with her exasperated mother is funny, smart, and wonderfully disturbing. That’s not even mentioning the odd background decision to decorate the home with an impressive collection of creepy clown art.

Mother’s Day

Kate has a problem: every time she has sex, no matter how many preventative measures she takes, she ends up pregnant. After two dozen abortions, she agrees to visit her gynecologist’s off-the-beaten-path spiritual retreat where a batch of infertile baby-hungry women see Kate as something very, very important. Directed by The Midnight Swim’s Sarah Adina Smith, this is probably the story that most felt like it should have been a full feature. There’s plenty of potential in exploring what it means for a woman to have or not want to have a baby, and while the ending has a nice kick, the story feels almost trapped in the short format. 

Father’s Day

A young woman named Carol (House of the Devil’s Jocelin Donahue) receives a cassette tape with a recording made by her presumed dead father with instructions on how she can see him again. Carol smacks on her headphones and follows his lead, walking through a beach as she listens to her dad’s intensifying guide recorded on the last day she ever saw him. Newcomer Anthony Scott Burns builds tension with incredible skill, making this, for me, the scariest of all the stories. It doesn’t quite make good on its promise, but it still manages to be a unique spin on the typical anthology tale.

Halloween

Kevin Smith--yes, that Kevin Smith--tells this revenge tale of a trio of webcam performers who finally take control over their gross and abusive boss. This will probably be the most polarizing of the bunch (as Kevin Smith fare tends to do to an audience) but I enjoyed it well enough. There’s a nice girl power vibe and a satisfying comeuppance, and perhaps most importantly, a short running time that doesn’t let anything out live its entertainment value. 

Christmas

Legion’s Scott Stewart directs Seth Green as Pete, a nice, but unexceptional dad trying to get the latest new technology toy for his son on Christmas Eve. When the customer who snagged the last one has a heart attack on an otherwise unoccupied street, Pete grabs the gadget and guiltily leaves the man to die alone. Naturally, this decision haunts him, especially when the gift in question (a pair of virtual reality goggles designed to show each wearer his or her own personal fantasies) keeps reminding him of his crime. This is a fun segment, aided a lot by Green’s take on a schlubby dad and some genuine surprises along the way. The ending is a bit abrupt, but again: this is an anthology. We don’t need codas.

New Year’s Eve

An awkward and dentally challenged killer meets women online, kidnaps them, and murders them when he loses patience with their inability to love him. On New Year’s Eve, he scores a date with an attractive younger lady with her own crappy dating history and, well, twists ensue. Made by Adam Egypt Mortimer, this is a fun tale and appropriate way to end the film, as the tone is somehow both lighthearted and appropriately violent. Mortimer also deserves credit for staging a wonderfully realistic, painfully uncomfortable first date.

Lessons Learned

Vets don't get things wrong

Jesus and ET do indeed have a lot in common

If a man doesn’t think you’re worth brand name candy, that is not a man for you

Rent/Bury/Buy

I had heard mixed reactions to Holidays, so my expectations were fairly low going in, but man...I kind of loved this movie. Some stories were certainly stronger than others, but none wore out their welcome (the kiss of death for many a short film). The fairly organic mix of offbeat comedy and genuine horror made for a refreshingly diverse mix of tone that kept me invested throughout. Like any good multi-filmmaker anthology, all the stories have their own identity but never seem to clash. Not to always bring up my favorite punching bag, but I’d take the weakest installment here (probably Halloween) over all of the first V/H/S, and most of the other segments in the more decent sequels. The film is streaming on Netflix and can make a satisfying watch for any season.