Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Post Christmas Blues Get Better With Action (& Cop Dog)

Sure, decorations may be half priced and Santa still nursing that milk hangover, but just because it's December 28th is no reason to believe Christmas is over! To keep that yule log crackling--and to postpone the inevitable impossible decision I face in crowning a winner or two for the Infinite Giveaway Contest Extraordinaire, allow me to direct you to an audio stocking stuffer. Over at the Action Attraction Podcast, host with the most Metal Mikey has been hard at work throwing Skype parties with such main courses as Masters of the Universe and Die Harder for his guests to ravage like a bag of chestnuts. I saved my ravaging for the best:

You know it. On the latest episode, you can hear Mikey, Silva & Gold's one and only Doctor Zom, and myself discuss the 1996 Christmas classic, Santa With Muscles, a forgotten cubic zirconium starring after-his-heyday Hulk Hogan, before-her-Black-Swanning Mila Kunis, post-Chocolate-Chip-Charlie Garrett Morris, The Most Annoying Child Actress of All Time Who Eventually Had a Line In The Muppets, and When Is He NOT In His Prime? Clint Howard, all directed by Jim "Cop Dog" Murlowski. The movie is fairly--SPOILER ALERT--awful, but our 2+ hour conversation does cover rarely touched topics including:

-Hidden head cheese secrets of Hair Club For Men

-Kuma the God, aka star of Cop Dog


-What pumpkin ice cream and Clint Howard's semen have in common

And believe me, all are far more horrifying than you can possibly imagine. Head to iTunes or visit this link for a very merry Christmas indeed!

Or just go watch Cop Dog.

Your choice.


  1. I must watch Cop Dog!!

    Have you ever heard of the Adventures of Fu Manchu tv series?

  2. We ALL must watch Cop Dog. Only then can we begin the ascent to world peace...

    And I know nothing of this series. Worth a gander?

  3. I'm not sure since I haven't seen it, though the actor playing the devil doctor actually uses a stereotypical Chinese accent instead of the regal, non-racist English accent that Chris Lee and Boris Karloff and everyone else use. Still, the fact that a Fu Manchu tv series actually exists is awesome!

  4. We survived! I just posted my last holiday movie review, for an oldie that no one's ever heard of. Now I come to you to ask the next logical question - Do you know any good New Year's horror flicks? I've seen New Year's Evil (I think) and otherwise it seems to be a pretty fallow holiday for the genre. Thus do I entreat of your amazing moviemind for suggestions! :D

    My one final caution is, don't be tempted by "The Christmas Card", even if you like Ed Asner. Yikes. Most lifeless film I have seen in ages. It's the filmic equivalent of a lump of wet shredded cardboard.

  5. True Anonymous, I'm intrigued!

    Hmmm Trever. Offhand, nothing is popping in my head for New Year's horror, but I'll think about it. Terror Train is set around New Year's Eve, but it doesn't really have that kind of feel to me since there's so many other things going on (costumes, frat hazing, David Copperfield dancing).

    Check on Christmas Card. It wasn't on my radar, but I'll do my best to remember to NOT watch it next year!

  6. Based on the YouTube clips I've seen, Cop Dog deals with some surprisingly dark and complex themes. It takes some elements from Scooby Doo -- namely a dog, a meddling kid, ghosts, and a mystery -- but it adds something Hanna Barbera never included in its shows: MURDER! Yes, both a cop dog and a cop human are killed in this movie. And for some reason it's up to the human cop's young son to figure it out... with the help of the ghost dog Marlowe, of course. It's so unsettling. The kid tries to pet the dog, and his hand goes right through it.

    And then there's THIS SCENE, seemingly the movie's emotional climax. I don't even know how to react to this, other than to say I was legitimately taken aback. You just want to watch a movie about a cop dog, and instead you get... this. It's like Field of Dreams, only ten times more emotionally affecting because there's a cute dog involved.

  7. Also, a major plot point in Cop Dog involves the kid taking used chewing gum -- which has already been chewed up BY MURDERERS, mind you -- and putting it in his mouth to taste test it.

    Allow me to summarize: in order to avenge the death of his murdered father, a boy needs to communicate with the spirit of a dead dog (which is itself a murder victim) and re-chew gum which has been spit out by his own father's killers. That's some of the sickest, most sadistic shit I've ever heard, and this is a comedy for children.

  8. Sorry to keep adding comments, but I keep finding astonishing things and feel the need to share them. As mentioned on Action Attraction, director John Murlowski has an amazing filmography. There are at least four Christmas movies in there, for instance -- nearly a fourth of his films! Not to mention Freeway Killer, whose DVD cover makes it look like some forgotten Eddie Izzard special.

    But his newest project seems to top them all! It's called Zombie Hamlet, and the cast list is beyond belief: Shelley Long (who sort of played Hamlet in Outrageous Fortune), Melora Hardin (Jan from The Office), Jason "Jay" Mewes, John "Gomez" Astin, and... HULK HOGAN! The director and star of Santa With Muscles are re-teaming, and Hogan is playing "Mr. Macbeth."

  9. Oh my Wayne, that scene is HEARTBREAKING! I have to say though, what really sells it is the fact that the dad wears such a fabulous Marlboro Man hat. The hat alone is worthy of an Oscar.

    And hey, I guess we had our freaky Return to Ozzes back in the day as far as inappropriately dark kids entertainment. But yes, avenging the death of your dad AND dog with the help of a ghost dog is...dark.

    And John Murlowski, WTF? I'm just so shocked that the man who cobbled together Golden Christmas also made the surprisingly good Freeway Killer (which does not star Eddie Izzard, nor does it feature cute dog actors).

    I'm intrigued by Zombie Hamlet based on that cast. And Wayne, don't get me STARTED on how much I love Outrageous Fortune. I still can't look at a good xmas ornament without considering how it would work as an earring.

  10. Hey Emily, have you sent the infinite competition emails yet? I'm just paranoid that your email might not have gone through, given how cluttered my yahoo account is.

  11. I have not! Hopefully planning on judging/posting results sometime this week, life calming downing pending. I have a yahoo submission from Aaron or Nicole, so so long as one of those is you (Anonymous), you're totally in contention!