Friday, April 16, 2010


April 16th is a day most celebrated by CPAs relieved to end the hellish tax season, but for those off-the-books employees, it's just another 24 hours of cash payments without government interference. Of course, under the table occupations come with their own drawbacks in addition to the benefits--not legal, of course--that one should always consider before biting a thumb at Uncle Sam.

But gee, how can I possibly know which unofficial careers are hazardous? Considering this is a column devoted to horror movies, do you really have to ask?


As Seen In: I Sell the Dead, Repo! The Genetic Opera
Perks: Depending on the climate, the joy of working outdoors; coworkers won’t annoy you with personal calls or gum snapping
Cons: The smell of rotting flesh; the occasional zombie uprising; vicious wars with Irish street gangs; likely STDs contracted from client Paris Hilton


As Seen In: Halloween, House of the Devil, When a Stranger Calls, The Pit
Perks: Free reign on a stranger’s kitchen; access to cable TV; that feeling of power you can relish in dangling early bedtime over weaker beings
Cons: Becoming the target of a super efficient slasher, dealing with bratty, occasionally dirty-minded rugrats with Svengali-esque teddy bears


As Seen In: The Beyond, The Bad Seed, The Hand That Rocks the Cradle
Perks: There’s always a new task to tackle
Cons: Dealing with shoddy non-OSHA certified ladders can easily cause fatal falls over the gates of hell; Competition with other househelp can lead to legal woes; Disagreements with employers’ children never ends in your favor


As Seen In: Spiral, Fear of Clowns, The Driller Killer, The Collector (1965)
Perks: Get beautiful women to stare at you seductively in progressively less clothing each week; Host gallery openings where you can meet wealthy single men
Cons: Being stalked by topless clowns; Being kidnapped by creepy Terrence Stamp; Feeling mooched off of by your bisexual girlfriend


As Seen In: Peeping Tom, American Psycho, Saw II/IV,
Perks: Great for those that prefer nighttime hours; Occasional wealthy clients can yield a decent payday
Cons: The whole having-sex-with-maniacs thing doesn't always prove worth the stitches and chainsaw-caused concussions; Being locked inside dank real estate filled with poisonous gas and six other ex-cons


As Seen In: The People Under the Stairs, Psycho
Perks: Enjoying money and pretty things that aren’t yours
Cons: Guard dogs; Twitchiness; Karma

Camp Chef

As Seen In: Sleepaway Camp
Perks: All the oatmeal you can sneak; In a world pre-Megan’s Law, it seems possible to get hired despite a clear sense of ill intentions towards kids
Cons: Nobody misses you (or your cooking) when you end up boiling in your own pot


As Seen In: Candyman, Underworld, Broken
Perks: Zero stress wondering what to do with your time
Cons: Angry mobs; Chains can chafe 

I don't know about the rest of you, but I think I'll stick with clocking in my hours. Sure, even the most straight-laced employers can be agents of the devil, but at least they'll lead a paper trail into hell where, if you're lucky, a union rep just might bail you out. 

No comments:

Post a Comment