Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Ya Da Da Da Dah, 2018

Due to a continuously busy schedule and some limited Internet access, I haven't had the chance to compile my complete thoughts on the enjoyable mediocrity that is Terminator Salvation. Still, since it's the first film I've seen in the theatres in three months, it seemed necessary to post a few lessons Christian "The American Whisperer" Bale and friends taught me as I munched on non-movie theatre popcorn and a Duane Reade Peppermint Patty. Later this week, I'm hoping to go a little deeper with my T4 analysi/defense over at Pop Syndicate. Stay tuned, but first, take some notes. You never know when the American military will accidentally unleash self aware Austrian killer robots to herd us lowly bipeds into giant metal buckets.

So be prepared, in part because a few SPOILERS may follow, but also because in nine years, the future will be a world where the following is true:

Dr. Hibbert prevails! Major surgeries WILL be performed in the outdoors

Early versions of terminators will be unable to count to 3, at least when it comes to chances

Early versions of terminators will be prone to lapsing into Australian accents

Romantically unattached female members of the Resistance will not be the greatest judges of character. Or heartbeats.

SKYnet may be an evil collection of man-hating machines, but they do believe in free will

Hair ties will be hard to come by, but there will be a surplus of shampoo and hydrating conditioner

Two day old coyote is better than three day old coyote. Duh.

Despite a lack of food and sunshine, the survivors of the future will be rather hot

SKYnet's favorite film characters are Bond villains that rarely kill key prisoners with the power to thwart their plans

Post apocalyptic fashion will involve Samurai eye makeup

If you've never driven a car before, the best time to learn will be in a high-speed chase with advanced killer robots in hot pursuit. Don't worry: you'll do just fine.

Michael Ironside will continue to make anything cooler

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