Mother, Can You Spare Some Blood?

In case you have forgotten, Mother's Day is quickly approaching. Before you rush off to make those brunch reservations, take this quiz to get a better understanding of just what kind of parent you have, what to get her this Sunday, and what all of this might mean for your personal safety. 

1. On your 5th birthday, your mother bought you:

a) a gift certificate for free anger management classes

b) a dress-up kit, complete with wig

c) a silver crucifix, which you promptly melted using your yellow eyes

d) nothing. Counting is too hard

2. In your baby photos, your mother is typically:

a) absent

b) holding you wayyyyy too close

c) staring frightfully ahead with dead eyes

d) chewing on your leg

3. You run into the house crying with a skinned knee. Her reaction is to:

a) lick the fluid oozing from the wound

b) amputate what she can and stuff the limb to put on prominent display

c) cry

d) shrug. What do you expect when you sprint on rocky terrain?

4. At the local PTA meeting, your mother is most likely to:

a) supervise her minions as they bludgeon your teacher to death

b) stay home. How could she possibly leave you there all by yourself?

c) brag about your performance in the school play

d) school?

5. Mom’s going out for the night. Your usual babysitter is:

a) a grumpy British psychotherapist

b) your mother. She’s a table-for-three kind of dame

c) the elderly neighbors across the hall

d) your own survival instincts

6. You’ve misbehaved. As punishment, you might receive:

a) death at the hands of your trollish half siblings. After all, you’re incredibly easy to replace.

b) shrill nagging

c) an exorcism

d) a cheerful pat on the back, or shackles

7. When it comes to bonding with your mother, the best shared passion is:

a) pure hatred

b) absolutely anything

c) Scrabble

d) hunting

8. Her style icon is:

a) Joni Mitchell

b) Julia Child

c) Florence Henderson

d) Raquel Welch circa One Million Years B.C.

If you answered...

Mostly A’s

Your mother is: Nola  Carveth (The Brood)

The Good News: Your emotions may have the power to manifest themselves into creepy little dopplegangers that do your bidding.

The Bad News: Your safety and sanity is questionable. 

The Bottom Line: You hail from a second generation broken home, so you should certainly be wary of letting history repeat itself with the wrong partner. Your more immediate concern, however, involves staying alive long enough to legally emancipate yourself from your rage-enhanced mother before she unleashes her Cronenbergian spawn on your ungrateful butt. Luckily, your dad seems like a genuinely nice guy, so catch the next flight to Canada and start readjusting. 

Best Mother’s Day gift: A stress ball

Mostly B's: Your mother is: Mrs. Bates (Psycho)

The Good News: You’ll never be alone.

The Bad News: You’ll never be alone.

The Bottom Line:You were a lonely child and as a result, you have developed an unhealthy eagerness to please and/or connect with others. Romantic relationships have proved to be something of a challenge, as your Oedipal desires have complicated your taste in the opposite (or same) sex. The best thing you can do for yourself is to make a clean break. Start fresh. Relocate. It’s never too late to become a new man (or woman).

Best Mother’s Day gift: it doesn’t matter; nothing is ever good enough.

Mostly C’s

Your Mother is: Rosemary Woodhouse (Rosemary’s Baby)

The Good News: She has great taste in real estate

The Bad News: She’s kind of an emotional mess

The Bottom Line: You grew up surrounded by a solid network of older and financially successful guardians, but that may have left you spoiled and harboring an unearned sense of entitlement, particularly since your mother never seemed to know just how to handle you. Her instincts were usually on target, but she’s easily influenced by those with more force--including, unfortunately, your emotionally absent father. It’s up to you to find your true inner self, but always take comfort in knowing that your mother loves you, even if you are sometimes a lil devil.

Best Mother’s Day gift: valium 

Mostly D’s

Your mother is: Mama (The Hills Have Eyes)

The Good News: Despite her limited physicality, she did stress the importance of exercise and the outdoors

The Bad News: She didn’t let you play well with others.

The Bottom Line: Discipline was never a priority for your parents--particularly your cave-ridden mom, who encouraged you to stay out past curfew if it meant you’d be bringing home the bacon (or baby). You may have built up some unrecognized resentment towards the lax parenting (especially when combined with the border limits imposed) so it’s time to start building a solid foundation. You need a little more stability in your life, relationships, and diet. And vegetables. Apply for a job. Get your associate’s degree, find an apartment, and adopt a dog. Wait, forget the last part. Just start with a plant.

Best Mother's Day gift: Duh, a meaty little puppy