It took me quite a long time to see the mild cult classic Alligator, but that also meant it hit me at exactly the right time. I went in with low expectations and was charmed by how it navigated its Jaws references while working in some sly humor. It was the smartest dumb movie I'd seen in quite some time, so why not set my DVR to record TCM's late night showing of its lesser loved sequel?
Quick Plot: Through land developments and the usual corporate greed, some very toxic substances are flowing through the lake of Regent Park. Only Detective David Hodges seems to be concerned about the growing number of missing persons, perhaps because most of them are either unhoused or part of the Latino community.
The mayor is naturally under the thumb of wealthy real estate developer Vincent Brown. Wealthy real estate developer Vincent Brown is naturally responsible for polluting the waters which leads, of course, to THE MUTATION.
I'm trying to drum up some enthusiasm for the story because my gosh: Alligator II: The Mutation is one big slog.
The opening credits raised my hopes. Richard Lynch in the first film's Henry Silva role? Dee Wallace Stone as an adorable biologist? Clowns on stilts who will likely topple into the mouth of a mutated alligator? Surely we've got a good thing here!
Whew boy. We don't.
There was an 11 year gap between Alligator and Alligator II: The Mutation. That seems like quite a bit of time to develop a decent or at least creative sequel. The world at large wasn't clamoring for an Alligator followup, so making one had to come from a place of passion, right?
Not right. There's no passion in Alligator II: The Mutation. The film is a near complete retread of the first but without any of its weird little spark (sorry ladies, but Bologna keeps his shirt on). What should be the climax, where the alligator tears through a carnival, is about five minutes of some of the laziest mayhem I've ever seen. The alligator doesn't even eat things! He just whacks them with his tail!
I'M ANGRY!
It's Alligator II, for goodness sake. Where's your sense of joy?
High Points
He's no Robert Forster, but Bologna tries, and has a certain charm that at least kept my interest
Low Points
Why is this lethargic, charmless Alligator sequel nearly two hours? Why does it even exist? Now I'm grumpy, so let's cheer up with a reminder of what made the first film so memorable:
 |
| This is the 17th time he takes his shirt off |
Lessons Learned
When you get paid, you do your job
Alligators can't be professionals
Rookies never listen (which is why they often end up handcuffed in the bathroom)
Look! It's -
Kane Hodder menacingly standing behind Richard Lynch!
and
Professor Toru Tanaka popping up briefly to throw another wrestler onto a table. In this (deadly doll's) house, anyone on the receiving end of Arnold Schwarzenegger's Running Man puns is celebrated
Rent/Bury/Buy
Ugh. I found very little joy in this movie. I can't imagine anyone else finding much more.
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