Monday, January 12, 2026

Special Delivery (it's us)

Sometimes all a genre movie needs is an interesting setting to be worth a watch. An antichrist baby in Estonia? Sign me up. 

Quick Plot: We open with a moody prayer circle that ends in throat slitting. The pile of dead Russians then gets an odd form of last rights in having their back tattoos skinned off and preserved.

Nearby, a hunky American priest appropriately named Father Fox is getting ready to leave the church to marry his pregnant girlfriend Laura. A cardinal convinces him to take on One Last Job: visiting nun Yulia, who claims to be carrying one savior and one antichrist in her own pregnant belly.


As things in St. Petersburg go south, Father Fox, Yulia, and handy Cardinal Russo escape to Estonia, where Laura's family money has kept a conveniently remote end-of-the-world cabin fully stocked with the basics for a few years of survival. Yulia's twins are doing surprisingly well. They can even hypnotize people. 


Father Fox struggles with dreams that push him towards Yulia, something Russo's own texts seem to predict. Meanwhile, the townspeople are growing antsy, a plague is raging through the land, and a one-eyed Thomas Kretschmann is hot on the trail to kill some babies. 


Deliver Us is co-directed by Lee Roy Kunz (who also plays Father Fox) and Cru Ennis, and co-written by Kunz and brother Kane Kunz. 

To be clear, there is a lot of Kunz in this movie. 



It's...fine. Deliver Us has a few strong assets: the Estonian backdrop adds automatic style, the cinematography has a clear point of view, and the cast is quite watchable. Where Deliver Us dies is its storytelling. The film opens with a bang (well, lots of cuts) and then seems to take an hour-long nap. It sets up several interesting character dynamics (especially around Jaune Kimmel's Laura) and then fizzles them out for what somehow feels like a rushed ending. 


Still, there's something different about the script's approach to its infant dynamics. And the movie pays off on Chekhov's Law of Bear Traps, so I'm probably going to forgive its trespasses and promptly forget most of the details shortly thereafter.


High Points
It's hard to describe the look of Deliver Us without making it sound bad, but there's a dramatically blue-hued coloring that almost makes the film feel black and white in a way that's actually quite striking

Low Points
What the film has in style it seems to lose in actual substance when it comes to character. Is THAT how a priest would react to SPOILER ALERT his pregnant girlfriend being shot?!

Lessons Learned
Nuns are naturally good shots
 


Russian conductors have soft spots for babies

When you get old, you prepare for the apocalypse

Rent/Bury/Buy
Eh. Deliver Us has some visual appeal and is slightly better composed than the kind of film you haven't heard of streaming on Hulu, but it's hard to feel much passion for the end product. If the subject appeals to you, give it a go. 

Monday, January 5, 2026

You Ain't Never Had a Field Trip Like Me

 


In 1999, my high school social studies teacher gave our class the assignment to make a movie that had something to do with American history. Naturally, I convinced my friends that the only story worth telling was Zombies Ate My Classmates, an educational horror film about a group of students who break into a museum, desecrate valuable artifacts, and then spend the night fleeing undead historical figures.

We got an A, and I've spent the last 26 years wondering what it could have looked like with a bigger but still very small budget. 

Apparently, a lot like The Lamp!

Quick Plot: A prologue set in 1893 sees a young woman land in Galveston, Texas, with her mother. Before they can locate the nearest queso, mom puts on a sparkly bracelet and releases a homicidal djinn, killing the boat crew in the process. The girl manages to flee with the bracelet and magic lamp, keeping it safe for a good 90 years until a trio of horny robbers breaks in to ruin everything.



With the old woman murdered and the robbers hacked up, the artifacts end up in the Houston Museum of Natural Science. Like, the actual museum, which is used as the filming location for The Lamp. 


THAT'S REALLY COOL. 

Chief archeologist Dr. Wallace is excited to investigate the new pieces, though his teen daughter Alex would rather he just, you know, BE A DAD. In fact, she even wishes he was dead!


Kind of!

The wording isn't that specific but it's good enough for a genie. Alex commits the unforgivable sin of trying the bracelet on and before you can sign a permission slip for a museum field trip, an ancient demon sneaks his way through her feathered hair.


The timing couldn't be worse for Alex or better for the genie. Her friends are eager to hide out in the museum for a night of premarital sex and cheap beer. While good Alex would discourage such behavior, possessed Alex is all for it. Throw in her psychotic ex-boyfriend and his sidekick, and you have a whole menu of potential victims to be murdered by historical artifacts.



When the credits rolled, only to be followed by the rare pre-2010 post-credits stinger, I found myself screaming this question: why oh why did director Tom Daley make only this movie?


It's so fun!

Yes, the kills are creative and weird. The actual story is fresh, and the setting is obviously massively neat. But we also get some neat character work! A cool archeologist dad, his daughter's open-minded boyfriend, an opera-singing security guard...there's a lot here!



I'm using a lot of exclamation points because I found this movie so satisfying!

High Points
This movie includes death by ceiling fan, haunted spear, cobra bites, and masks. HOW IS IT NOT MORE KNOWN?




Low Points
Could I have done without the sexual assault? Yes, I certainly could have done without the sexual assault

Lessons Learned
You know it's far out if the armadillos won't go

Texas bullies in the early '80s were racist sociopaths, which is why high school teachers were apparently trained in martial arts



Chicks love baths

Rent/Bury/Buy
I kind of loved this movie. It's not an immaculate piece of art fit for the Houston Museum, but by golly, it's incredibly fresh...even if it's no nearing the age of 40. As I've said several times in recent years, it's a delight to discover so much under the radar horror from eras we thought we knew. Thanks Shudder!