A Dog's Life

 

It's wild to accept that 2006 happened 18 years ago. Low-rise jeans and chunky belts? They never went OUT of style!

Anyway, yes, we've reached the point where the early aughts are now nostalgic. Life is weird. 

Quick Plot: A dumb and drunk couple park their yacht on a mysterious island, only to disappear. Shortly after, a batch of recognizable college kids led by trust fund brat Johnny fly a private plane to the same lands for some beer and margarita-fueled fun (but sadly, no Maxim Magazine, in case you needed a reminder that it's 2006). 

Along for the ride is Johnny's younger med-student-in-the-making brother Matt, Matt's girlfriend (and Johnny's ex) Nicki, and lifelong pals Sarah and Noah. After a montage of nauseating fun (remember when you could drink warm margaritas and spin on playground rides without dying?), they discover an adorable German Shepard mix puppy, who leads Sarah to get bit by his much less adorable and aggressive parent. 

Sarah doesn't feel great, but Matt estimates she can spend a few more days chugging beer before she really needs a rabies shot. Of course, the pack of wild canines that now smell their new well-fed prey aren't eager to let the kids go. 

A well-trained cast of German shepherds and Malinois proceed to turn the vacation into a siege. The dogs even chew through the ropes holding the plane in place, ensuring their targets won't have an easy escape. All the while, Sarah's infection grows worse as she finds herself identifying more with her hunters than friends. 

I'm not here to say that The Breed is a particularly good movie, but nearly 20 years after its release and with various cycles of other subgenres passing by, what was probably a forgettable, even unpleasant straight-to-DVD flick has aged into something...okay. This is Nicholas Mastandrea's only full directorial credit, though he has dozens of high profile second unit films to his name. He clearly knows his way around the technical side of filmmaking. If you're looking for a fairly straightforward, competent dog-eat-hot-people movie, you' could do a whole lot worse. 

High Points

There are just as many hot young actors today as there were in 2006, but it really does make more watchable when your cast is actually charismatic. Taryn Manning has been, well, a bit of a confusing human being in recent years, but she's always had that it factor that makes you want to see her onscreen. Likewise, Michelle Rodriguez is in top form here. We believe she's the kind of athletic coed who can zipline with an arrow sticking out of her calf. Their characters may be underwritten, but their performances have enough energy to keep us involved

Low Points

Did I mention that I also kind of hated everyone in the movie?

Lessons Learned

Archery is a very white sport filled with very terrible white shots

There's a difference between being lost on a creepy abandoned penal colony and being stranded on a creepy abandoned penal colony

Dating your brother's ex takes more than 2 years to no longer be awkward

Adorable Puppy Notes

I'm a dog person. I grew up with dogs, spent years working with dogs, and generally spend every day in public hoping to pet a dog. Had I known The Breed was going to involve dogs being shot by wayward arrows and fired up by CGI flames, I probably would have passed. The poster and quick description suggested I'd be getting MUTANT dogs, and as we all know, there is a difference. All that is to say that the credits included several disclaimers that no animals were harmed during filming, and quick Googling suggests these were professionally trained dogs. This isn't the most pleasant film for a dog lover to watch, but most of the editing suggested these animals were treated fine. Make of that what you will

Rent/Bury/Buy

Early 2000s horror completists can do a lot worse than The Breed. It's far better put together than a lot of its competition at the time, though all that said, it's still not in any way the most innovative or dynamic movie. It's on Peacock for when you have that very specific era (or flea bite-induced) itch.

Cats: The Movie (no really: that's the title)

The term ‘crazy cat lady’ gets thrown around a lot in this day and age. As mother to two feline furballs who impose themselves on virtually every aspect of my life—

Oh look! Here’s a picture!

What was I talking about?

Right. See, I myself have been known to accept such a title. Perhaps it’s Joplin’s comfort with sitting on my shoulder…

Or Mookie’s enjoyment of being spanked…

Or the fact that I say these things in public with no consideration that some people find it, well, inappropriate.

Nevertheless, the beauty of something like Cats: The Movie is that, when watched with the director/producer commentary, I suddenly feel normal. Yes, I may take my showers as Mookie sits loyally on the bath ledge or have complete back and forth conversations with the chatty alarm clock also known as Joplin every morning, but at least I’M not the one spending 7 years of my life recording my kids’ antics and editing it into a 69 minute full-length feature youtube video with a story arc.

Mostly because Mookie speaks a hybrid of broken American English with a North Korean accent and despite being cute as a black and white button, Joplin is horribly unphotogenic and would look awful on camera.

They’re just not ready. Yet…

Quick Plot: Marchello is an indoor cat whose mother is the definition of a crazy cat lady, overearnestly voiced by Lolita’s Domonique Swain. See, when Mom spends the night at her boyfriend’s—apparently the first time this has ever happened—and later LEAVES HER CAT A MESSAGE ON THE ANSWERING MACHINE that she’ll be delayed another day, Marchello goes into a bit of a, dare I say it, tailspin, sneaking outside to explore the street life. 

It’s a CAT-astrophe!

Get it? Because cat—

Sorry. 

And what does our four legged friend find in the wilderness of wealthy suburbia? A sexy neighbor cat named Jujube, voiced by none other than Michelle Rodriquez. Like every character ever played by Michelle Rodriguez, Jujube messes everything up when she teases Marchello into traveling too far away from home. Now our hero must face territorial crows, manic depressive abandoned cats, drunken bullfrogs, overenthusiastic dogs, and a seedy rollerblader who makes a living by grabbing stray pets and ransoming them to their rich owners.

All of the abovementioned action is filmed guerilla style with a handheld, sometimes fingerprint spotted lensed camera. It’s like Milo & Otis with weaker production values or an episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos with, well, equal production values and the voice of Jeremy Piven.

It’s hard to knock Cats: The Movie when it was essentially a hobby for painter-turned-cinematographer-turned-auteur Susan Emerson. Listening to the commentary track of her and producer Paul Williams (no, not that one) shows that Emerson wasn’t aiming to make Citizen Kat. She simply discovered her pet main coon was a natural in front of the camera and if she organized things a little bit, she could have a feature film. From one crazy cat lady to another, I have to sort of salute this effort.

But also, you know…it’s Cats: The Movie. I imagine its appeal lies in kids bored with Baby Einstein or nice old ladies with eternal supplies of hard candy. Also, Joplin seemed to really like it:

Although not as much as she did Sharon Stone in Scissors.

The little darling could not take her green eyes off Steve Railsback

Lessons Learned
Squirrels make shitty messengers, even if they are voiced by Jeremy Sisto

Crows are assholes

Culled from the commentary: a D.O.P. is a director of photography (as explained to the film’s producer)

Standard Animals Doing Human Stuff Trope Tally
New Kid In Town: Check 
Recent Dead or Divorced Parent: X
Montage: X
New Friendship: Check
Potentially Inappropriate ‘Friendship’ Between Child & Unrelated Adult (Human): Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check
Evil Corporate Enemy: X. A rollerblading catnapping con artist seems to be working independently
Original Song: X
Bully Comeuppance: X
Small Town Values: X. This is pure suburbia. There is nothing to compare it to
Back To Nature Moral: Check. The movie ends with Marchello’s mother randomly deciding he can be an indoor/outdoor cat, which is apparently the way nature intended (earmuffs Mookie & Joplin!)
Overall Score: 4 + Infinity/10

A-Paws-Meter
The main reason to rent Cats: The Movie is to watch the first 59 minutes with commentary (because for whatever reason, it just stops at that point). Here you get such adorable nuggets as the producer asking if the disc is skipping and my favorite opening discussion of all time:

Producer: So how did you get Marchello to chase the ball like that?
Writer/Director: I threw it.

Throw in a connection to Sunset Boulevard (it happens) and what more do you need?

A monkey. Yes, a monkey would have been good…