Time for a Good Wax

 

Is there a horror fan alive who doesn't love a wax museum?

I'd guess not, even though there's a good argument to be made that we've never actually had a great wax museum movie. Yes, the Waxwork flicks are fun and every variation of House of Wax is melty in all the best ways, but you know, neither franchise really produced an actual GREAT film. 

IS THIS THE DAY THAT ALL CHANGES? 

Quick Plot: At the start of the 20th century, Parisian police discover a grisly crime scene that turns their stomachs. A couple has been brutally slain, body parts scattered around the room or missing. The only witness is their young daughter Sonia. Inspector Lavin vows to solve the crime, but twelve years pass without a lead.

Grown and gorgeous Sonia is now on the job hunt in Rome, where she lands a wardrobe position at the city's newest attraction: a wax museum specializing in violent tableaus. The spot has already been in the news after a young man of leisure died inside after taking on a dare to spend the night.  

Surely there's nothing to worry about! It's just a wax museum! That ... focuses on violent tableaus, including the murder of Sonia's parents.

It doesn't take long for Sonia to suspect curator Boris and his creepy assistant Alex. She quickly teams up with reporter Andrea to investigate (along with some other things). Meanwhile, good old Inspector Lavin comes to town determined to help. Along the way, a few Romans of all ages disappear, with oddly similar faces debuting later in waxy glory.

Made in 1997, Wax Mask (not "Wax Max", as I keep writing, which feels very Rural Juror of me for those who understand) is gooey and gross and feels wonderfully out of time. There's a true Hammer Horror style in its bones, but those bones are also covered in wildly grand practical monster makeup and random callbacks to The Terminator.

I loved it.

Wax Mask apparently began as a Lucio Fulci project, but his death saw producer Dario Argento pass the reins on to special effects maestro Sergio Stivaletti. There was certainly some heft lost in the transfer. The acting is a bit stiff, even if you push most of that blame onto weird dubbing. Perhaps more importantly, Fulci (admittedly my personal favorite of the genre's Italians) might have come at the material with something to say. 

Instead, we get something that looks really, really cool.  

High Points

Seriously: Stivaletti holds nothing back in giving us hot acid baths, robot hands, essence-sucking waxing, and so much more

Low Points

I still don't understand the exact connection between Sonia and Boris, or Alex's actual opinion on things, or, you know, anything about the characters. Thankfully, I don't really care

Lessons Learned

Being an investigative photojournalist was a lot harder when cameras were the size of Warwick Davis

Every movie set in a wax museum must end with a very drawn out fire (I don't make the rules, but I do love them)

I never thought this had to be said, but here we go: when conducting an autopsy, it's important to check for a heartbeat before, you know, slicing into a possibly living chest

Rent/Bury/Buy

I flipped on Tubi one morning when I was frustrated with having to think too hard, and what a perfect decision I made. Wax Mask is silly and gross and in a word, grand. Have fun.

The Rats Shall Inherit The Earth

The only thing that improves an apocalypse is its ability to be included in February’s Attack of the Shorties. When you add to that intense ‘80s motorcycle style, adorable rodents, and the kind of hijinks that include a flour fight.

Quick Plot: In 2015 (you know, NOW), the "insensitivity of man finally triumphs" (actual line) and the world becomes a nuclear party. Two hundred years later, the new society slowly emerge from their underground shelters to explore the world their ancestors left behind.

Thankfully, among the survivors is a LOT of punk hair dye, fringed boots, and headbands.

Sporting those sexy looks is a group of grumpy bikers with kickass names like Chocolate, Video, and Taurus. In searching for a new home, they come across an abandoned warehouse of sorts now littered with red eyed little rats. 

Also, flour. Which naturally calls for dancing.

(It is rather shocking how many pictures like this show up when you Google Image Search 'flour dance')

Before you can say Willard, our furry little monsters are gnawing, raining, and spontaneously combusting from the innards of our dubbed Italians.

It is glorious.

Directed by '80s trash maestro Bruno Mattei, Rats: Nights of Terror, is sort of the perfect movie for someone named Emily Intravia. It’s pure genre cheese aided by fashion that seems almost criminally wonderful. Observe!

Also, there are killer rats. Nuclear-infused killer rats. Granted, their method of murder is more ‘sit back and wait for the camera to keep showing that shot of a whole bunch of us crawling around, cut with shots of a blond screaming’ or ‘get gathered by some unlucky production assistant then dropped on an actor.’

But you know what: those kinds of tricks work for someone like me. 

You know what else works? Naming a character Lucifer. I say this not JUST because Rats: Nights of Terror has one, but just think of at least two previously reviewed films that do: 

That’s right, the leather-clad badass in the greatest film no one ever thinks they should see, Gangland

And Viggo Mortenson threatening to feed Virginia Madsen her mother’s feces (in a sexy way, of course) in The Prophecy.

My point is: Rats: Nights of Terror is filled with A LOT of things seemingly designed to make me feel joy. Life, my friends, is a grand place to be.

High Points

Remember how Phenomena had what I once dubbed the most adorable final shot in genre history?

It totally just lost that medal to something wayyyyyy cuter.  

Low Points

Perhaps there’s a negative or two to be found in some of the characters’ logic, but since their decisions ultimately culminate in spontaneous combustion, I really have no cause to complain

Lessons Learned

Real infallible leaders know that bike safety is a top priority 

Cook a rat in a little vinegar and it's just fine

Shocking but true: when holed up in a warehouse surrounded by man-eating genetically mutated rats, avoid sticking your head out the window

You’ll probably never find a video game in the post-apocalypse, even if your name happens to be Video

Diseases rats can give you include meningitis, tuberculosis, and the plague

Rent/Bury/Buy

There's really no good reason I can think of to NOT seek out Rats: Nights of Terror. The film is available as a disc rental from Netflix and can be found alone or double billed with Hell of the Living Dead via a Blue Underground Blu Ray. I can only imagine what spontaneous ratbustion looks like in high definition. Well, I mean I can only imagine right now. Give me two days for that Amazon order to arrive and my life will be about as complete as it can.

Are We There Yet? The Super Sweaty Italian Edition

Sometimes you just need a little sleaze for your morning commute.

Sometimes Netflix Instant is better than coffee.

Even sleazy coffee.

(Obviously, Google Image Search is incredibly literal when it comes to sleazy coffee)

Quick Plot: A band of nogoodniks rob a factory of its workers' wages (which is seriously NOT COOL) but run into some police trouble on their way out of the parking garage. To ease their escape, they kidnap an attractive young woman named Maria and quickly ditch their escape vehicle for one with a full gas tank and, a little less conveniently, a driver hellbent on getting his sick but tranquilized son to the hospital. 

Can we say road trip?

Before you can argue the rules of I Spy, let's pause to introduce our villains:

The leader, most levelheaded, and somewhat sweaty Doc

Blade, the stabby and fairly sweaty one 

And 32, a man who oozes so much perspiration that he might very well be a supervillain named Dehydration

Although '32' is fun in itself, once you do the metric conversion.

Also, he's played by George Eastman, aka Gigi Montefiori, aka George Histman, Luigi Montefiori, aka (in this movie) Gabriele Duma, aka the Sultan of Sweat and Inappropriate Glee

Unless in Italy circa 1974, it was normal for a grown man to enjoy making a terrified woman pee under a long skirt in the middle of nowhere.

We've all been there, right?

Primarily filmed in 1974, Rabid Dogs hit some financial skids and remained unfinished and unreleased until 1997, with Alfredo Leone and Lamberto Bava adding some scenes for completion Either I'm not that observant or I was just REALLY into the movie, because never once did I find myself noticing anything odd. 

Well, odder than George Eastman's maniacally dubbed cackling.

This is, lest you be worried, a sleazy, sweaty, trashy, and darn fun little slice of '70s Italy. It will not change your life for any reason, but it will give you 90 solid minutes of colorful villains doing terrible things with extreme volume. A satisfying twist brings it all together and at the end of the day, you can live forever knowing you'll never experience a road trip quite as painful as one that puts you smack center of highly perspiring Italian men in a station wagon without air conditioning.

Lessons Learned

Snoring implies that you are sleeping

One of the hidden benefits of a leather car interior is that it's ideal for sharpening your blade

The first thing you do with a lot of money is screw some broad with big boobs

Just a suggestion: before committing a violent burglary, make sure you've checked that your getaway car has a full gas tank

Rent/Bury/Bury

Anyone with an love of Italian style sleaze will find little to not like in Rabid Dogs. It's a seedy, sweaty little film packed with memorable villains, ridiculous dialogue, and surprisingly satisfying twists. Stream it today with a few extra absorbent paper towels by your side. 

Nunsense!

As the daughter of a woman so tortured in Catholic school that she’s been flinching at rulers for several decades, it’s surprising to realize just how little I know about nunsploitation.

Thankfully, Netflix Instant remains the best teacher a gal can have.

Quick Plot: Welcome to the Spanish Inquisition, that glorious period of history where a little accusation was all you needed to prevent your daughter from marrying the strapping son of your long-term rival. Of course, you also have to send said daughter to a miserable nunnery where she’ll be saphically molested and Christian-ly tortured, but that was just the style at the time.

Separated by abbey vows and pope declarations, the young Esteban and Lucita try their darndest to make it work with the ambiguous help of a frazzled verger and stoic mother superior. Mixed in are mysterious stabbings, dashing swordplay, and your standard fill of bare nun breasts.

Despite its title and copious Christian boobage, The SInful Nuns of St. Valentine is a far tamer and disciplined film than you might expect. Yes, we have a few naughty nuns and tastes of medieval stretching, but director Sergio Grieco (he of the original The Inglorious Bastards) keeps everything quite grounded. There’s a simple Romeo & Juliet-ish premise with a few colorful villains tossed in the lovers’ way. 

Plus, nun boobs. 

The culmination of all comes with a fairly nifty and disturbing climax, as the titular ladies are sealed up in their stark, poorly stocked abbey to die of starvation, suffocation, and slapping. It’s certainly the scene that makes The Sinful Nuns of St. Valentine memorable, and thankfully, the film actually gives it enough support to make it work.

High Points

Between the assertively weird musical score and the classic European filming locations, The Sinful Nuns of St. Valentine has the feel of something crafted to be genuinely beautiful

Low Points

It’s just kind of a shame that the sound quality is only slightly better than my own podcast

Lessons Learned

It’s proper etiquette to sheathe one’s sword before surrender

You can’t say mass with vinegar!

This leads me to think that one should say mass with honey

Starving nuns going mad will do some sinful things, but vegetarians need not fear: cannibalism is always the absolute last thing on their list of survival tactics

Rent/Bury/Buy

As a 90 minute Netflix stream, The Sinful Nuns of St. Valentine is a refreshing switch from 90% of Instant Watch post-2010 genre offerings. The film isn’t nearly as trashy as some of its ‘70s peers, but there’s a nice balance between quality and sleaze to keep weirdos like me thoroughly entertained. Good times if your standards are strange!

All I Want For Helena Is a Mouthful of Teeth

Evil children, tooth fairies, and Netflix Instant?

JUST TRY AND STOP ME.

Quick Plot: Sophia is a British historian raising her daughter Helena alone in Italy after her carefree husband took off to Cancun. After a car accident robs Helena of a proper first visit from the tooth fairy, the girl becomes obsessed with collecting molars from her classmates to appease the mysterious spirit she claims to be living inside the antique wardrobe recently found in their historically fertile apartment.

Look, when I was a kid, my pals and I traded snap bracelets. The next generation, pogs, later, SillyBandz and so forth. Apparently, teeth gathering just crosses a line.

Soon Sophia is dragging Helena to a psychiatrist who is alarmed by her stories and violent drawings, especially since they seem to demonstrate that Helena has dark knowledge of a terrible crime that took place in their rented home fifty years prior.

The Haunting of Helena has one of those eye-catching covers that Netflix Instant knows how to flash. This is also a Bloody Disgusting release, and while their record is splotchy, I always hold out hope that they'll sponsor another gem like YellowBrickRoad.

In the case of The Haunting of Helena, we're much closer in line to Exit Humanity.

Like that Civil War-set zombie tale, The Haunting of Helena is a solidly made horror film. And like that Civil war-set zombie tale, it's also dreadfully paced and far less involving than it could be.

Here you have a film that opens with creepy video footage and black and white photos detailing a little known period of Italian history wherein Benito Mussolini sent poor citizens to a malaria-ridden no man's land to cultivate a new agricultural resource. That's different, and promising as some form of backdrop for a haunted child film. The problem is that The Haunting of Helena has no real idea how to connect the two. 

Sure, we get plenty of beautiful cinematography that gives us refreshingly new views of Italian architecture, but there are only so many linking shots of a creepy cemetery statue that can keep a script involving. Somewhere along the film's 90 minute running time, we get side-tracked with newspaper articles about long-past wolf attacks on local children and the recurring horror of spousal jealousy taken too far. Also, mosquitoes. Because those connect to malaria and...wolf attacks?

You can see my frustration. Lead actress Harriet MacMasters-Green is appealing enough, but she can only do so much with a 'leave my daughter alone!' character who throws in her own secret halfway through the film, only to have that ultimately mean nothing. Characters seem to enter the film at opportune moments solely to be put in danger one scene later. The timing moves from days to months to days to years, without anything really changing (a woman as stylish as Sophia would probably at least experiment with bangs or hair dye over the course of 18 months). It's like directors Christian Bisceglia and Ascanio Malgarini collected a bunch of tropes from modern ghost films (grayish color palette, old timey flashbacks, worried single mother, big-eyed child), and dropped them in a saucepan heating up Prego. The end result isn't terrible, but it's clearly so far below what it could have been. 

High Points

There's a nice twist tossed in towards the end, but the problem is, it's so much more interesting than the hour that came before it that it ultimately just made me angry to be watching the wrong movie

Low Points

Zzzzzzzzzzzz

Lessons Learned

In Italy, asylums for the mentally ill encourage mingling of all ages from child to disturbed adult

Just because your daughter is going crazy and there's a toothless ghost after you is no reason at all not to let your hair lose its luster

Always listen to your crazy elderly neighbors. Because if you can't trust your crazy elderly neighbors to deliver important exposition, who can you trust?

Rent/Bury/Buy

The Haunting of Helena is certainly stronger than many a low budget horror film floating on Instant Watch, but I found it incredibly disappointing. Like the recent Mama, it feels derivative of too many subgenres without fully understanding just what makes them work.