If you watch only one movie about a magical teddy bear shrinking a boy so he can travel through his grandpa's innards, let it be this

Netflix's April Fool's Day joke speaks for itself, but the fact that this is an actual movie speaks for humanity:

I don't quite know where to begin when discussing a movie entitled Chasing the Kidney Stone. Do I start with the anamorphic teddy bear that speaks with a Woody Allen-esque delivery and seems violently possessive of his boy owner? The fact that a kids film opens with an extended sexy jazz number set in a smoky blue nightclub? That the 10-year-old main character seems to have a crush on a photograph of his dead grandmother?

Like a Terry Gilliam telling of The Magic Schoolbus, Chasing the Kidney Stone (aka Body Troopers) is indeed a sight to behold.

Quick Plot: As you would expect in any typical live action children's film, Chasing the Kidney Stone follows Simon, a bland 10-ish year old with a magical non-dirty talking teddy bear that uses a chemistry set to shrink him to cellular size for insertion into his sick grandfather's throat. Once inside, Simon proceeds to travel through his beloved pop pop's body, from its sassy taste buds to its no-nonsense gallbladder. 

Along the way, Simon befriends Mapster, a feisty white blood cell with a backpfeifengesicht face, and Alveole, a soft-spoken lung cell sporting Lazy Town-style hair. Together, the trio befriends the out-of-work A.Pendix, has a heart-to-heart (literally) with a Tim Burton styled orchestra, and battles the mighty ‘50s sci-fi villain Halitosis via the power of flamenco dancing.

No, seriously. All of these things happen.

It’s far better than it sounds.

Chasing the Kidney Stone is a typical European children’s film, meaning it’s visually ambitious and kind of insane. You almost wonder if the entire production was commissioned by some kind of experimental private elementary school that thought the best way to spur a fourth-grade interest in biology would be via an expensive fantasy film. If only the world were that wonderful.

Dubbed with a better-than-average English track, this is one of those strange, strange tales that ends up being far more entertaining than any pseudo-educational-slightly-gross film should be. The science doesn't quite line up with any fifth grader's textbook, but there's a strong, nerdy attempt to make knowledge something sort of groovy. It's both admirable AND entertaining, and really, is there anything better?

Right. Passing a kidney stone and the glorious urination that comes with it. I suppose that's pretty damn good. 

High Points

The production and costume designs really are something to see, from the fairies-meet-Borg taste buds rising from the floor to the envious sight of a Bob Fett-like Halitosis surfing down the digestive tract on a peanut half. It’s like Julie Taymor got trapped in a doctor’s office and had to fantasize herself some sort of narrative.

Low Points

I don’t necessarily think that a lung cell is supposed to travel all the way down to the urinary tract, or that a kidney stone is a byproduct of having a broken heart. So while I never was one for acing science class, something tells me that some of the facts might be a little skewed for the purposes of entertainment

Lessons Learned

Kidney stones are quite agile

Crying is for losers

People always underestimate what a teddy bear can do

Most teddy bears fantasize about being born in Ohio

The Winning Line

"The day that I need to get a blood test, I'm going with you."

And that, ladies, is how you know he loves you.

Rent/Bury/Buy

Chasing the Kidney Stone recently expired on Instant Watch, but praying to the gods of the Internet/overly obsessive talking teddy bears with shady moral characters could potentially bring it back. While this is technically aimed at kids, it’s weird enough to charm any cinephile with an appreciation of the bizarre. 

Trollog La La Laaa

The Pit is the kind of movie creative preteens write on their first brainstorming session slumber party. It’s bad, but in a somewhat heartfelt, let’s-make-a-horror-and-use-our-toys-and-friends kind of way. Which would be great if indeed it was a film made by eleven year olds.


Prime example: the film opens on Halloween with our soon-to-be anti-hero dressed like a ghost. Naturally, such a costume involves the draping of a sheet with eye holes cut out. Please, real cyberspace people, tell me this: have you ever seen a child wear a sheet and call himself a ghost on Halloween? And no, Charlie Brown and Willow Rosenberg do not count. Maybe I haven't been trick-or-treating on the right blocks, but I truly do believe such a costume choice is reserved exclusively for the fictional media world.

The world of The Pit, however, is not quite the cliche it could be. Sure, there are snotty red-headed girls and gobbling wood creatures to be found, but it would be unfair to call this odd little 1981 non-classic trite. It's terrible in many ways, but with exception, I can't deny the sheer weirdness that went into every frame.


Quick Plot: Sixth grader Jamie (Sammy Snyders) is a bit of a troublemaker, but not quite in an innocent Bart Simpson way (although his school punishments do indeed include writing his wrongs on the chalkboard after class). Peeping on neighbors, cutting out naughty pictures from library artbooks, and sexually harassing every female over the age of eighteen are just a few of his boyish quirks, so naturally his parents decide to take an extended vacation and leave him in the care of a well-permed college student. All would be fine (well, maybe just slightly awkward, as we do have to sit through an inappropriate bath scene that predates even the birth of the young actor in Nicole Kidman’s Birth by twelve years), were it not for...The Pit!

Deep in the woods, a very precariously placed hole has captured Jamie’s attention. Inside live the trogs or trollogs or very cheaply made molish monsters with glowing eyes and num-num voices. With the help of his sinister teddy bear, Jamie realizes that in order to keep his only friends happy, he’ll need to deliver some fresh and live meat.


You’d be amazed how easy it is to trick a few locals into certain death. Once the thrill of crank calling kidnapping threats and luring librarians into stripping wears off, Jamie moves onto nastier pranks, like tipping wheelchair-bound old biddies, football captains, and mean-spirited bullies into the mouths of his carnivorous prehistoric pals. Yes, this plot point produces the best ten minutes of screentime (certainly of the movie; possibly of 1981) and no, the budget was not big enough to actually show us any of the munching.

I imagine The Pit began as an earnest horror film before its filmmakers realized their artistic and monetary limitations. Instead, the film wiggles into black comedy, although the humor is never sharp enough to get earned laughs. Still, it does involve an evil kid, ominous teddy bear, and trollogs. Were you expecting Casablanca?


High Points
The death of a seemingly protected heroic character is a pleasant surprise


A wicked little ending almost makes it worth holding out for the last scene


Low Points
The trollogs are, not surprisingly, MST3K-ready. Remember those popular Halloween costumes from the late 80s, which were basically cheap jumpsuits paired with what were most likely toxic plastic masks? If this weren’t 1981 and five years before its premiere, I would swear that the trollog design was just a dressed up version of a Kmart quality Critters outfit

An evil teddy bear? Why else would I rent this movie? Hence, I was more than a tad disappointed that Teddy (because what other name could he have?) didn’t do much more than speak in Jamie’s narrated voice


Lessons Learned
Abergail may sound like an interesting name to bestow upon your child, but before you sign that birth certificate, try to hear it said in a whiny prepubescent voice and consider just how annoying it is


Three children can disappear in a small town, but the authorities only step in when a cute babysitter is involved

Trollogs see in sepia


For a local sheriff, nothing is more embarrassing than calling the feds in to investigate missing persons; asking the local townspeople for some vigilante backup is far more reasonable


Rent/Bury/Buy
Not smart enough to be disturbing and not quite dumb enough for so-good-it’s-bad nostalgia, The Pit is reserved for an audience that prefers a grungy Cathy’s Curse to a slick Dolly Dearest . It’s a dreadful film, but its pure bizarreness and shy sleaze makes it somewhat interesting. Best of all, The Pit is on a double DVD with another goofily subpar (and somewhat more watchable; review forthcoming) 80s horror film, Hellgate. As cheap cheerful crap goes, you could certainly do worse.