Who Can Come Out and Play?

1976’s Who Can Kill a Child? was one of the most surprisingly terrifying film experiences I’ve had in recent years. Slow-building and filmed in sunshine, it packed supremely horrifying punches with no mercy and an intriguing audio style that sometimes went silent to highlight the austerity of its scares. Were I a genre filmmaker, I would most certainly head to that well for inspiration and guidance in making an effective horror movie.

Or maybe I’d just copy it.

Quick Plot: See: original review.

Because you see, save for the original’s depressing documentary-like prologue, this is the same. Exact. Movie.

Directed, edited, and cinematographed (director of photographed?) by masked man of mystery Makinov, Come Out and Play is certainly a well-made film. The Mexican setting is gorgeous, and Makinov shows strong skill behind the camera with some stylish (but not distractingly so) shots. Actors Ebon Moss-Bachrach and Vinessa Shaw (yes, she of Ladybugs and the remake of The Hills Have Eyes) hold our attentions without issue. The score is effectively subtle. 

This is a good modern horror film.

Except, you know, it’s also just a 2012 version of Who Can Kill a Child?, which was an outstanding horror film. 

I’m not one of those horror fans who breaks out into hives and rants when the word ‘remake’ is spoken aloud. There are a lot reasons to revisit old cinematic material, and plenty of examples of when such a retread can produce something worthwhile. Generally, though, ‘revisiting old cinematic material just to use a 21st century lens’ isn’t one of them.

Not quite shot for shot, but certainly scene for scene, Come Out and Play brings absolutely nothing new to its source material. It also doesn’t help to fix any of the minor issues of the original, following every beat even when it could have improved (i.e., giving no real backstory to why a couple with two children would be on a luxury vacation when the missus is two months away from delivering her third). If I want to start getting catty, I’ll add that our lead characters lost my sympathy just as the third act got underway when they left a very helpful islander to her presumed death at the tiny hands of monster children (if this happened in the original, it didn’t feel quite as unpleasant or white privileged). Makinov does raise the gore quotient with a brief and disturbing montage of the children playing with spare adult parts, but it’s not really enough to justify this as its own film. Come Out and Play is a good movie, and a well-made horror film, but when there’s a slightly more disturbing blueprint on my DVD shelf, I fail to see the point.

High Points

Look, I can’t argue with the filmmaking: it looks great, sounds great, and certainly shows that Makinov can make a decent horror movie

Low Points

...it just would’ve been nice if I hadn’t already seen this more-than-decent horror movie

Considering it pretty much takes everything from Who Can Kill a Child?, it’s baffling to wonder why it would forego the awesomely terrifying human pinata that the original film used to such shocking effect

I don’t know about you, but after reading this article about Makinov’s eccentricity, I kind of want to hate everything he has ever touched while obnoxiously wearing a mask

Lessons Learned

Just because a herd of violent children are chasing you down doesn’t mean you should grab the spare handgun laying on hand, right?

I said it before, and I see no reason to not say it again: taking a motorized boat low on gas to an isolated island in very hot weather with your very pregnant wife is in no way the smartest idea you’ve ever had, I hope

Eh, anything else I learned was taught by Narciso Ibanez Serrador’s original

Rent/Bury/Buy

Let me tell you a scary story kids, one that might very well be the worst fear of any Netflix subscriber. The day I received Come Out and Play in the mail, I happened to log into my account to see that usually welcome blue ‘play’ button next to its name. That’s right: the DVD I queued was now on Instant Watch. 

KILL ME NOW, amiright?

Thankfully, the DVD includes a charming making-of that shows the rascally child actors learning about squibs. No, that doesn’t make up for the fact that I GOT THE DVD OF A MOVIE ON INSTANT WATCH, but there are bigger issues in the world that should make me angry (like the fact that Playtex discontinued my favorite bra; this world is very hard on me).

Anyway, as for the movie, it’s certainly well-made and attractively filmed. At the same time, the original Who Can Kill a Child? is, at least to me, one of the scariest films of all time. To just copy every scene doesn’t necessarily translate that fear. It’s a tricky thing to recommend: I’d much rather tell anybody to see the first film (so really, just go see the first film). If you’ve already seen Ibanez’s telling, this VERY close remake will just feel like a prettier carbon copy. 

Huggabunch

After watching 2008’s The Children, I was inspired by the powers of Instant Watch and black nail polish to revisit the 1980 film of the same name. A VHS mainstay of my youth, I was curious to see how a film whose snapshots stayed in my head for over 20 years would fare today.


Quick Plot: Two nuclear power plant employees who make Homer look like the employee of the month lazily leave work without checking a few gizmos and pressure levels. No overtime pay, plus it’s happy hour at Moe’s (seriously. Kind of).


Cut to a jaundice hued fog floating through the sunny small town of Ravensback, populated by the most bizarrely cranky adults since Bye Bye Birdie. As school children miraculously complete a round of 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall (how long IS this ride home?) the bright yellow bus drives straight into the dull yellow haze.

Bad things come from airborne nuclear fallout, and instantaneous black nail polish on kid fingers is just the start. The earnest, if completely inept Sheriff Hart (Gil Rogers) discovers the bus abandoned and driver roasted like a marshmallow on the roadside. Slowly and not really surely, he lumbers into action.

In an era before cell phones, Sheriff Hart must make house calls to the missing kids’ parents, all of whom prove to be extremely surly. Dr. Joyce Gould looks ready to punch the poor policeman in the face for no real reason, although maybe there’s some residual stress from having to care for her possible daughter/lover/personal pianist whose presence or inertia is never explained. The Best Screen Couple of All Time lounge poolside as only swinging ‘70s alcoholics can, mother a topless bather and father an Ahnold caliber weight lifter wearing a Speedo. These characters have no actual significance in the story, but they are, in a word, awesome.

Before long, we discover exactly what’s become of the Ravensback kids. Sort of. We don’t know quite why, but they now are united with one goal on their minds: kill adults.

By hugging them.

Best method of death ever? Possibly. On one hand, the implications of your flesh and blood taking your life via embrace is disturbing and tragic. On the other, it’s rather hilarious. Especially considering the corpses bear a slight resemblance to Gary Oldman’s mangle-faced villain in Hannibal.

The Children starts off with little promise. Yes, it’s entertaining for nostalgic reasons, but the initial kills are ripe for laughter, with a mixed bag of acting skill and clumsy executed murders. About halfway into the film, however, something starts to click.

Recently, I discussed my admiration for horror films that take place during the day. The Children begins, quite terribly, in the early afternoon where all its sunny murders look dreadful. Oddly enough, when the sun goes down and director Max Kalmanoicz gets to play more with his staging, the film finds a strong sense of creepiness. Yes, samurai sword hand chops are still fairly ridiculous, but watching a nice country sheriff shoot children, only to have them pop back up like they’re playing Duck Duck Goose is actually unsettling.

High Points
An early jump scare with a hug-happy child is surprisingly effective


A gloriously dated scene has a ready-to-pop pregnant protagonist smoking a Marlboro


Low Points
The lack of acting experience is painfully obvious in a few minor characters, which wouldn’t be atrocious if they had a stronger script or direction to blaze through. When a farmer’s daughter enters a quiet home, there’s about 9 repetitions of the lines “What’s the matter? Cut it out! “What’s the matter? Cut it out!” because clearly nobody on set had anything better to contribute


At one point, we learn that the strange kiddie-led massacres seem to be occurring on a national scale. While this should offer more potential for terror, there’s something underwhelming about the revelations, almost a ‘why-should-we-care attitude about the characters onscreen when the world has gone to hell around them (and probably in much more interesting ways)


Lessons Learned
The best way to make a point is to demonstrate your mastery with an automatic car window


Never call in state troopers, even when multiple children are missing and several adults are turning up dead. You’re a town sheriff for crying out loud. You should be able to handle this yourself


When searching for a gaggle of missing kids and investigating the bizarre deaths of several townspeople, it’s probably not wise to stop for coffee

Shooting a dead dog is something to be disappointed about


Rent/Bury/Buy
My fond memories of this USA Up All Night indie were mildly dashed by some of this film’s spottiness, but it remained a good time on Instant Watch. Not really scary, but haunting here and there towards the end and pretty darn amusing before that. Troma’s DVD is out there, with a few special features and a producer’s commentary. I wouldn’t advise a blind buy, but try to catch it streaming or on rental. It’s huggable.

Who Can Kill THE CHILDREN?

There’s a reason I have 13 entries and counting under the label “darn kids” on this blog. Evil minors are third only to deadly dolls and killer clowns as my favorite sub-genre of horror, something quite a few recent films (Orphan, Joshua) have cemented as pure joy under 5’. When they’re funny, these films are hilarious (Esther’s prick line still has me giggling like a Crazy) and when they’re scary, they can easily be terrifying.

Naturally, I couldn’t resist watching Tom Shankland’s The Children, a 2008 film I had been attempting to save for the next xmas season. Put me on the naughty list and let the blood roll:

Quick Plot: Grown-up sisters Chloe and Elaine gather their broods at a picturesque English countryside home to celebrate New Year’s with screaming kids dulled by casual drinking. Chloe and her potential miniskirt chasing husband Robbie are living the upper middle class liberal dream with two blue-eyed tots soon to be home schooled. Elaine’s lifesty’e is a little less ideal. Her eldest daughter Casey (a fine Hannah Tointon) is a sullen dark eyeliner-wearing teen bitter towards her wormy stepfather Jonah and half siblings Miranda and the possibly Asbergery Paulie.

After a meet ‘n greet filled with all the tenants of family reunions (awkward missed kisses, lost pets, vomiting), minor tensions reveal themselves. Don’t-Call-Me-Uncle Robbie hits on Casey. Casey considers herself a missed abortion and hates everything. Miranda hates Casey. And so on. There are no major squabbles or primal loathing boiling. Just the usual family dynamics about to be rocked by forces outside their control.

Slowly, Chloe’s little monsters start to misbehave in ways that would have most babysitters running into the arms of Michael Myers. One of the most terrifying scenes occurs before the film even enters its mayhem phase, when a New year’s breakfast descends into a sort of Freaks one-of-us nightmare with higher voiced screams and eggs. It’s familiar but extremely uncomfortable and a perfect segway into the Who Can Kill a Child  territory we’re about to enter.

I’ll tread lightly through the snowy spoilers because The Children is yet another fine example of chillingly effective modern horror with a familiar old school premise grounding the tale. As you can guess from the title, poster, description or foreshadowing, these kids ain’t right and all legal adults have some bloody times ahead.

We’ve seen--okay, I’ve seen--plenty of minors slicing their parents with irresponsibly placed kitchen knives, just as we’ve seen our share of blood staining white snow. Director Shankland isn’t necessarily reinventing horror cinema, but he infuses The Children with a unique eye and startlingly brutal style. Sure, the kids use the same weapons as Mikey or Esther, but you’ve never quite seen a mum so maternally insistent on her kids’ innocence get an eye treatment at quite the angle here. Blood on snow is a time-honored image, but Shankland’s camera captures the ruby tone absorbing the white cold with new macabre beauty.

The Children is a genuinely unnerving film, although a tad shallow. While it doesn’t quite capture the primal horror of Who Can Kill a Child (hate to keep bringing up that title but it’s an obvious influence throughout), this film grabbed me by my ponytail for a good 90 minutes and once again made me thankful brown eyes are a dominant trait.

That’s right sapphires: your naturally eerie stares are on the outs. 

High Points

Tointon’s Casey is an excellent character to center The Children. In the poetry of Brittney, not a girl, not yet a woman. Playing with her sensuality but still in need of mommy when death is on the line. A perfect cross between the evil elementary schoolers and yuppy parents she so resents

Between the giggling kids and frazzled adults, there’s not a weak performance among the cast

As those who read my column last week on daytime horror know, I instantly give bonus points to any film not afraid of a tan. All the terror of The Children takes place on a crispy sunny day and all of the visuals benefit

Low Points

I have no issue whatsoever with (MILD KID-SIZED SPOILER ALERT) not getting a solid explanation, but there’s something empty about the actual mystery. Maybe I’m just clinging to the haunting documentary opening of Who Can Kill a Child. Based on the director’s comments in the making of featurette, I think The Children was more an exploration of the parents’ behavior than a story of evil kids. In that sense, there’s some intriguing, if underdeveloped ideas.

Lessons Learned

If you don’t want your mother to know about the tattoo on your navel, avoid wearing shirts that highlight your midriff

Gold stars are not the answer to everything

Hoop earrings are inappropriate accessories for child-rearing

Rent/Bury/Buy

This is a nastily fun ride and more than worth a rental. Fans of the killer kid classics or well-made modern horror with a high blood dose will be happy to own it. No commentary, but the DVD does contain a few behind-the-scenes shorts (revealing, as you’d expect, the smiling and adorable child actors) and a few wisely deleted scenes. Give it an enthusiastic try...just not when babysitting.

Los Monstros Pequenos

While respected film critics and paid journalists sift through prestigious Oscar bait in search of completing annual best-of lists, I aim low with the hopes of finding a few films that I can actually discuss in public without shame. Thankfully, there’s a country called Spain.

Six Films To Keep You Awake is a 2006 series of slightly-shorter-than-usual feature length films produced by Narciso Ibáñez Serrador, he of the woefully underrated and terrifying classic, Who Can Kill a Child? Words don't express how much I loved that 1976 film (although they certainly tried in my review ), but Serrador's involvement seems to mirror Mick Garris's role in amassing those Masters of Horror. I picked up today’s subject, Cuento de Navidad (The Christmas Tale para los gringos) following the enthusiastic recommendation of one of my favorite bloggers, the mighty and macho Matt House over at Chuck Norris Ate My Baby (read his excellent review here ). Although it bares Serrador's name, the real men behind this sparkling little holiday treat are director Paco Plaza and writer Luis Berdejo, the team best known for 2007's refreshing viral zombie pic REC.

Quick Plot: Five spunky 12 year olds are enjoying Christmas vacation in 1985. Between watching zombie flicks, riding their bikes, and waxing on and waxing off, they stumble upon a deep hole in the woods with a mysterious woman named Rebecca and dressed as Santa Claus trapped inside (thankfully, none of The Pit ’s trollogs or obnoxious child actors are to be found). They attempt to notify the local policeman--a man who’d much rather provide very specific instructions for cooking xmas dinner--but do an about face when they discover a fax that puts their St. Nicole as a dangerous bank robber.

The gang is in a pickle. Two of the boys see million dollar signs and a lucrative hostage situation in their Christmas future, while the more sympathetic Moni (played by a pre-Pan’s Labyrinth Ivana Banquero with the same quality of ahead-of-her-years performance) feels it’s wrong to not help a woman in need, especially when the alphas start suggesting starvation as a torture tactic. The young Koldi nurtures his crush on Moni by supporting her decision, while Tito, the Short Round stand-in with some mean Ralph Maccio moves, is more interested in propising elaborate plans without considering the moral implications.

I'll slow down with any plot description, as The Christmas Tale's journey takes a few surprising--if not overly shocking--turns that are fun to experience with no expectations. It’s rare that you can watch a film and have no idea where it’s going, but this is indeed such a refreshingly made story that somehow manages to combine sunny nostalgia with cruel little twists. The somewhat standard premise--diverse preteens caught up in a wild adventure no adult could possibly handle--is both honored and improved, with true suspense, an intriguing villain, and pitch perfect filming that interprets nearly every scene through the eyes of its characters. A very deliberate touch is how, save for Rebecca, no grownup is ever fully seen onscreen. This Peanuts/Muppet Babies approach perfectly suits The Christmas Tale, where our characters’--and in effect, our own--understanding of how to survive is limited to a few hysterically tongue-in-cheek B-movie excerpts about the rubbery voodoo cursed undead.

I was utterly charmed by this movie in a way that makes me smile like a proud and approving aunt. This isn’t a “horror” in the typical definition of the genre, but because you care so much about these realistic, funny, and imperfectly not adorable kids, you remain surprisingly frightened for their fate throughout the film’s big chase scenes. At the same time, there’s a wonderful Peter Pan-esque cruelty they realisitcally commit against each other, eliminating the innate cuteness that could have clogged the earlier scenes with cloying child actors. While it does get fairly dark, it's almost the perfect film for those younger teenagers about to dip their toes into actual horror movies but still not ready for full blown boobs and guts.

High Points

There’s never one moment where you don’t believe in the naturalness of our young quintet, which is a huge testament to both the talented young actors and wise skills of the director

The Christmas Tale is quite a beautifully shot film, with original camera sweepings into and out of Rebecca’s pit and lots of touches that keeps the story from a child’s perspective

Having the film’s “monster” cast as a female is an intriguing touch that works well to stir up the children’s relationships. It helps that actress Maru Valdivielso brings both a sad sense of worldliness and a hungry old fashioned villainy to her character without even 20 words of dialogue.

Low Points

I suppose I was left wondering about the true nature of Rebecca, but since this was such a quickly paced film and our viewpoint was from the kids, I really didn't mind that dangling mystery

Lessons Learned

You know a boy likes you when he chooses Princess Leia as your code name

Blue cheese goes well in fish pie

Watching zombie movies at a young age is one of the most educational endeavors a child can take for him or herself

Mothers who watch Dynasty are risking the lives of their children

Rent/Bury/Buy

If even one other pick from the 6 Films to Keep You Awake boxed set is as enjoyable as this one, I’d encourage a buy if the price is right (and at just $17 on Amazon, it’s right enough for my xmas present to myself). My disc came from Netflix with a second film on the flip side (the soon-to-be-watched A Real Friend) and an entertaining making-of featurette that’s worth a good spirited watch for anyone who wants to learn more about The Christmas Tale. If you’ve been waiting for a slightly more serious companion to the Monster Squad and don’t mind some subtitles, I can’t encourage you enough to check out this funny, spooky, and utterly original little film.

Apocalypse of the Amphibians

Frogs is like Who Can Kill a Child, but with Frogs.

Frogs is what could have happened if Kermit never met Dom DeLuise.

Frogs is the original version of Jurassic Park II: The Lost World. Speilberg simply subbed lizards, snakes, and toads (not frogs) for dinosaurs, used Pete Postlethwaite’s hunter in place of a WASPy idiot who can’t untie moss, and then, most controversially, added gymnastics. 

Wow. This is harder than I thought. How about this: Frogs is an incredible piece of cinema that rivals The Godfather and Star Wars for best film of the ‘70s...only my definition of ‘best’ means something very different from that of the Academy Awards voting committee. 

Quick Plot: A shockingly unmustashioed Sam Elliot takes National Geographic-esque photos of toads (not frogs), snakes, meerkats, unicorns, and lots of other animals you probably won’t find in the swamps of the United States. After a boat incident that’s less exciting than the opening minutes of Sleepaway Camp, Elliot’s Picket Smith befriends the rich brother and sister whose drunken yacht steering flipped his canoe and destroyed what seemed to be hours worth of nature photos (I’m basing that on what seemed to be an hourlong credits sequence featuring stills of said nature photos). 

Hard-drinking Cliff and level-headed(ish) Karen (Joan Van Ark) bring Picket to meet their wealthy and wheelchair-bound grandfather Jason Crocket (Ray Milland) on his sprawling southern estate. This is perfect timing for the annual Crocket quadruple birthday party celebration, a giant party set to be booming with top shelf drinks, competitive croquet, and manly pillow fights. 

Only one thing stands in the Crockets’ way: rudely ribbiting toads (not frogs) that have deprived the poor rich family a few snores out of their typical 18 hours of sleep. Despite dispatching a man named after my favorite Muppet to spray pesticide on the Crocket estate, the animal situation seems to be out of control. It’s soon revealed that everything without opposable thumbs and ever to have been captured in stock footage is on a vengeful rampage to annihilate all humans. 

I had heard Frogs was one of the more laughable entries in the eco-horror sub-genre of the ‘70s, but in now way was I prepared for it to be so incredibly Ed Woodian.

To begin....well, I don’t even know where to begin. Let’s just list a few of my favorite deaths (SPOILERS) to see why they’re so gosh darn leapin’ lizards amazing:

-Because they’re in the sky, one character shoots birds and somehow manages to put a bullet in his leg, which in turn somehow manages to paralyze him. This is inconvenient since he lands in a part of the woods populated by an international cornucopia of tarantulas who unite to crawl near the camera and, while the action cuts to closeups of the actor screaming, spin what seems to be deadly tangles of moss to strangle or just confuse the failed hunter to death

-Another grandson enters a greenhouse, unaware that it’s already occupied by a thousand lizards. They spill some poisonous gas (‘cause, you know, that’s what every wealthy southerner stores next to his plants), shut the door tightly with their evil iguanaesque tails, and leave the guy to suffocate in less than 30 seconds

-The eccentric Aunt Iris (possibly the lesser abled little sister of Charlotte Rae) chases butterflies for 20 minutes, frolicking like a woodland nymph high on electric Kool-Aid. Meanwhile, snakes of many colors, bloodsucking leeches, and ominous toads (not frogs) track the touched redhead to eventually bite (???) the poor dear and turn her skin into a shade akin to Violet Beauregarde post gum chew.

-Iris’s husband wrestles a crocodile. By wrestle, I mean he lays on top of it and rolls around as if auditioning for Plan 9 From Outer Swamp.

-The maid, butler, and now single supermodel girlfriend of the greenhouse gassed grandson unite to harness their African American power (I’m not kidding) to escape on their own. Sadly, they see seagulls and hide in a cabin. Later, other characters discover their luggage, thus leading the audience to believe that the defiant trio have been eaten whole by gluttonous birds or a scene too expensive for director George McCowan to film

-Cliff’s wife is killed by a tortoise. Yes. Cliff’s wife is killed by a tortoise.

-Throughout all this bloodshed, Grandpa Crocket holds strong to his party plans, mostly because every killer animal film requires some guy to do so. Naturally, you’d expect such a villain to be saved for a fate worse than all others, and as he wheels himself around his lonely mansion now hopping with slightly oversized toads (not frogs), we salivate in the hopes of seeing a Captain Rhodes-like dismemberment by way of flickering tongues. Heavily edited shots of Crocket’s hunting trophies egg our bloodthirst on. What can a toad (not frog) do?

Um, prank call him. Then inspire him to stand up. And fall. And die instantly. The end.

High Points

Just when you think the film can’t get any funnier, an actual intended laugh is saved for the credits with an adorably animated stinger

Low Points

I like my Sam Elliot grizzled with a glorious garden of greying facial hair. It’s not that he doesn’t look good clean shaven--the man was quite dashing in ruggedly hairy chested ‘70s style--but like Samson and his mighty locks, this cowboy loses a some power sans stubble

Even if it meant messily edited shots of the characters screaming cut with closeups of bird beaks, it would have been nice to actually see what happened to the maid, butler, and supermodel

And the pet toad in the car at the end is supposed to mean what exactly?

Lessons Learned

Toads (not frogs) are quite energy conscious and will turn off the lights when finished with their homicidal business

A mysteriously asphyxiated grandson is no excuse to break party plans

Supermodels are quick with math and know their antiquated terms for time

Being nearly killed by a drunken boat driver will force you into indentured servitude to his WASPy family

Snakes have the ability to emote more than select actors

Winning Line

“I almost came to your room, but the floorboards creak too much.”

Ahh, the ‘70s, a time when bedding the handsome stranger (whom you met three hours earlier) inside your grandfather’s house is impeded only by poor carpentry

Rent/Bury/Buy

Frogs is beyond awful, but it’s a different kind of awful than, say, the miscalculated at every turn It’s Alive remake or a lifeless cheapie like Rattlers . It’s more epically bad than anything I’ve seen in recent months, but when done with the right kind of energy, such a film is enjoyable like no other. It’s a watch-once-with-friends/alcohol kind of film that will give you plenty of chuckles and, possibly, warts. Because by the way: aside from the credit icon, there are no frogs to be found in Frogs.

With a fun fact like that, how, HOW I ask, can you not want to see this film?