Cold Film Club Prey

I feel an itch. More like a burn. And no, I’m not leading into a cowbell joke. 

It’s my not-so-secret society ring sending an alert! Stacie Ponder’s Final Girl Film Club is back in session, and today’s movie to be reviewed by myself and a whole lot of other bloggers is the Norwegian horror, Cold Prey.

Quick Plot: Two couples and a fifth wheel drive up a mountain to the middle of Norwegian nowhere to do some free-spirited snowboarding because of course, nothing bad has ever come from avoiding the tourist hubs and exploring the frozen wilderness on your own. 

Right?

Within two minutes, the single Morten breaks his leg. A token ‘no cell service’ shot leads the gang to settle in for the night at an abandoned inn filled with aging booze and, whaddya know, lots of bloody secrets.

We’ve got an axe monster! Or more specifically, a very tall man who slices through any Hansel or Gretel that dares to sip his whisky. The kids--I think, though one couple discusses moving in together while the other features a high schoolish virgin, making me completely confused whether they’re 15 or 25--are quickly separated and hunted down in typical but sufficiently gory ways.

There’s virtually nothing original about Cold Prey, something you may notice from my lack of energy in this review. Excuse me while I take some speed Twizzler Nibs.

Back. Great. Energy kick has KICKED and so the killer is kind of scary but we don’t know who he is until the end so it’s hard to know or care and I liked the winter setting because it felt very cold but so did Dead Snow and that one had Nazi zombies and twists and this one had no Nazi zombies or twists but very proficient gore and it looked quite good but was I in the mood for something more? I think I just rhymed but let’s not dwell on that so instead to figure out what I wanted I’d have to go back in time and check that and Nibs don’t have a time machine flavor but if they did that would be AMAZING but then every movie would probably be amazing and how could I still write reviews if all I could say was THIS WAS AMAZING BUT THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN BECAUSE I WAS HIGH ON NIBS.

Crash. What’d I say?

Cold Prey. Good. Nibs. Even better.

High Points

Final girl Jannicke (Ingrid Bols ‘oh with a cross through it’ Berdal) totally sells the last half of the film by being strong and smart enough to keep her friends alive as long as possible (SPOILER ALERT: it’s not very long) 

Low Points

Oh Netflix, on top of nearly doubling my rates, do you have to put dubbed versions of good films on Instant Watch? Do you know how distracting it is to hear overly American accents using names like Ingunn and Mikal?

Lessons Learned, Norway Edition

1 out of 4 Norwegians spend Easter in the mountains (according to statistics)

In Norwegian, “This is going to hurt a little” translates as “This will cause searing pain that will make you wish you were dead”

Superglue is to Norway what maple syrup is to Canada

Rent/Bury/Buy

Cold Prey is a more than competent winter slash ‘em up. It offers just about nothing new, but what it does it does quite well. As an instant watch, it’s perfect for a night when you want a slick, fast-moving horror that won’t hurt your brain. I personally don’t see a buy being necessary, since there are plenty other films out there that would give you the same exact results should you have an urge for good hunts, but hey, I’m not telling you what to do.

Oh wait, yes I am: head over to Final Girl to read a roundup of other Cold Prey reviews. That my friends, is an order.

Where's Mein Gold?

As you might guess from the title of this post, Nazi zombies have more in common with homicidal leprechauns than history textbooks tend to admit. And with that snappy intro, I give you Dead Snow.

Quick Plot:

A group of Norwegian medical students take a sure-to-be-doomed vacation in a snowy mountain cabin. Armed with beer and bad coffee, they revel in the typical young people-on-holiday-soon-to-be-atacked-by-R-rated-menace sort of way: snow mobiling to blasting music and sports channel editing, having sex in outhouses, and referencing the fact that they’re in the ideal situation for horror carnage.

And of course, they are, this time due to the unwelcome presence of buried Nazi soldiers with super strength, super speed, and an insatiable appetite for human flesh (Kosher or Aryan okay). Before you can say marzipan, our somewhat likable (nah; they’re all rather bland or annoying) human gang is whittled down in body parts and beating hearts. 

For whatever reason, filmmakers seem to pair Nazis and zombies like peanut butter and honey. Shockwaves, Blood Creek, Hard Rock Zombies (actually that’s not fair; the Nazis are responsible for the zombies, but the Germans of that classic big-hair ballad stick to eating themselves). On one hand, Dead Snow is simply another entry into a surprisingly packed subgenre filled with other familiar elements of cabin fever and pretty young people in peril (though to be meanly fair, the majority of the cast wouldn’t make it into the door of Melrose Place).

So plot and character-wise, Dead Snow is hardly innovative. At the same time, director Tommy Wirkola thankfully has a few new tricks up his thermal sleeves. After a been there, seen that opening act, the fun eventually picks up. The monster makeup looks great. The longer lifespanned humans demonstrate some spry self-defense and a few of the action sequences give us pleasantly icky twists. 

High Points

As I do a German folk dance around spoilers, allow my lederhosen to tear ever so suggestively with the compliment that the “final girl” twists were refreshingly new

Once Dead Snow gets kicking, there are some nifty gore-riffic moments that we haven’t really seen before, including a cliff-hanging via large intestines and a full-limb tear-off that calls to memory Captain Rhodes demise

Low Points

It’s personal taste (or lack thereof) but the rested metal soundtrack played during early montages made me feel cranky and old

Lessons Learned

Don’t be too surprised if your claustrophobic girlfriend isn’t turned on by you smothering her face with a couch pillow

On the other hand, pooping + slashers = huge turn on for select loose women

One more reason not to listen to heavy duty thrash metal: the volume turned up to 11 means your chance of hearing dying friends’ screams is below zero

Birds don’t respond to the human voice saying “ssshhh”

Rent/Bury/Buy

For the first 45 minute of Dead Snow, I felt a giant cloud of ‘meh’ floating over me. There just wasn’t quite enough promise to lift my expectations above “this is it?” territory, but once the mayhem started rolling, I genuinely had fun. Much like the recent I Sell the Dead, Dead Snow is an earnest and well-made horror film that never really rocked me, but was entertaining in a refreshingly 21st century with a hint of ‘80s throwback kinda way. This is the type of film that easily warrants a direct-to-DVD sequel, but doesn’t necessarily earn a $15 for a purchase. Rent it with friends and a case of Heineken.