You've Gotta See the BABY'S Room! (because it's haunted)

I can think of two good reasons why I’ll probably never be a homeowner. 1) I live in New York and will therefore be able to complete an Olympic rhythmic gymnastics routine before I could afford to buy property 

and 2) I’ve seen too many haunted house films.


See, a haunted apartment is escapable. Sure, you might lose some deposit cash, but at least you won’t be forced to choose between your hard-earned life savings and the offchance that your socially unacceptable supernatural suspicions are grounded in soul-stealing truths. 

Such life decisions bring us to today’s feature, The Baby’s Room, Alex de la Iglesia’s entry in Spain’s 6 Films To Keep You Awake. As my past reviews of A Real Friend and A Christmas Tale demonstrate, this collection is pretty tops. Toss in my recent viewing of Iglesia’s unique monster of a film The Last Circus and my expectations get pretty darn tall.

Quick Plot: Juan and Sonja have just moved into a mysteriously well-priced home in a well-to-do neighborhood. When they install a baby monitor to keep track of their sleeping toddler, Juan overhears a scrambled message coming through. Silly Juan. Don’t you know baby monitors are made for one reason and one reason only when used in a horror film, and ‘keeping track of your sleeping toddler’ sure ain’t one of them?

Did Insidious teach them nothing?!

Like any red-blooded Ameri-er, Spanish man, Juan immediately decides to upgrade his technology with the most expensive on the market. It also gives him a prime chance to flirt with the cashier and plant seeds of character unlikability. But hey, you HAVE to get the best, right?

Hence, Juan moves in a video monitor, only to discover that late at night, a black-clad figure is hovering over his child. Such events continue each night, much to the chagrin of his doubtful wife and frustrated boss who watches his ace reporter stink his way into the office past deadlines and without showers. 

Considering The Baby’s Room is only 79 minutes long, it feels wrong to say much more, especially as the turns aren’t overly surprising (it’s a haunted house film, for goodness sake) but still enjoyable in their execution. With a small cast, The Baby’s Room is an intimate film, one that spends virtually its entire running time on Javier Gutierrez’s Juan. It’s actually a relief to have it be the husband, rather than the typical weary mother, cast as the hysteric, and Guitierrez does a fine job keeping our interest (if not always our sympathies).

Much like the other films in this series, The Baby’s Room is also quite funny, with a neat sense of lightness as Juan grows more and more paranoid. It’s odd then to pinpoint exactly why and where it drags, but at a certain point, even 79 minutes felt long. Perhaps it had something to do with the fact that the central mystery is never quite explained despite Juan’s intensive research. Pacing is mildly problematic, though the performances and dread carry it through.

High Points

Yes, there’s a baby in danger in a movie called The Baby’s Room, but while we do fear for the toddler’s safety, it’s actually quite amazing that the film’s most dramatic jump scare involves a minor parenting moment

No spoilers, but the final beat offers the perfect tone to end on

Low Points

We get that mirrors are shifty and stuff might happen that will make us jump. That being the case, we REALLY don’t need obvious sound effects to remind us.

Lessons Learned

In Spain, hide and seek involves seeing, not catching

Your first mistake in obtaining a haunted house: purchasing your home from a mall-stationed real estate agency and a man with a shiny ponytail

Old people are crazy (from the mouths of old babes)

If you’re really happy and content in your life, you should refrain from saying that out loud. The screenwriter might hear and decide to, you know, make you the star of a horror film

Stray Sexy Observation

As I noted recently with Aiden Gillen’s proclivity towards nude sex scenes, it feels right to point out that the lovely and versatile actress Leonor Watling  has spectacular breasts and I know this because a) I’m a woman and a fair judge and b) I’ve seen them in three different films thus far

Parents of the Year Award...

...does not go to the characters in this film. For proof, observe the first scene wherein they notice something funky coming through the baby monitor. Rather than immediately run to the baby’s room to investigate, the pair strain their ears until something definitely menacing comes through the airwaves. Oh, then they later SEE a figure in the room via video. And also consider their options before...you know...GOING INTO THEIR BABY’S ROOM.

Rent/Bury/Buy

This is my third trip through Spain’s 6 Films To Keep You Awake series, and like A Real Friend and A Christmas Tale, The Baby’s Room delivers a funny, scary, and concise ride. The film is streaming on Netflix and is well worth a watch, though for $16, you can also just grab the whole set. It’s essentially Masters of Horror but good. And much cheaper. And good.

Santa Roll Call

As some of you know and others don't care about, I spent the last year or so contributing to Pop Syndicate, a recently renovated website that lost all its past content (and writers). The following article appeared in 2009 and since you can't find it anywhere else in InterWorld, I'm rerunning it here, with a few edits. Apologies for the deja vu.

As I sprinkle my sugar cookies in anticipation of a certain cheerful home invader’s arrival, it seems fitting to consider, judge, and rank some of cinema’s Santariffic incarnations. Naturally, we’re not talking about Tim Allen (although that’s a horror in itself) 

7. Wayne, Santa Claws

Unless you really dig C-movie actresses rubbing teddy bears over their artificial bodies to one electronically synched beat playing on loop OR have a serious fear of garden weasels, there’s not much to love in this John A. Russo directed “horror” from 1996. Yes, that’s the same man whose name graces the screenwriting credit of Night of the Living Dead, but he’s seriously etched his name onto the naughty list with this soft(er than a fleece blanket)-core porn/autistic community theater production of a slasher film about a lonely man harnessing a fatal crush on Debbie Rochon. His way into her heart? Donning aforementioned garden weasel, dressing as Santa, spray painting his costume black, drugging her children with sedative-laced hot cocoa, and strangling a few of her competitors for the Scream Queen Christmas Calendar. It’s far worse than it sounds.

6. Bill Goldberg in Santa’s Slay

Little known fact: Santa is a gambling man, child hater, and crappy curling player. 1000 years ago, he lost a somewhat cheated bet with a claymation angel an as punishment, was forced to bring presents to all the well-behaved Christian kids of the world. A millennium’s worth of ho-ing breeds an awful lot of resentment in a man, so it’s not overly surprising to watch him slaughter his way through Rob Zombie-esque strippers and grumpy old ladies the second his spell wears off. Former WWE champ Bill Goldberg has a sort of Bill Mosely on steroids feel that works for the ridiculous character, but this Santa loses a point for a) not being a well-written film and b) stabbing the kindly Jewish butcher, who by any logic, should be one of the only characters a disgruntled Santa tired of giving gifts would spare. 

5. Mike McGavin, Elves

I’ve probably discussed this 1989 bottom feeding flick with far more energy than the one time I watched it fifteen or so years ago, but one can’t draw up a Ho Ho Horror list without citing Grizzly Adams himself donning the hopefully dry cleaned mall Santa suit and battling (sadly sans costume) a genetically engineered homicidal Nazi elf. How can you not root for a guy with naturally pruned facial hair that puts all polyester beard to shame?

4. Rebecca, Cuento de Navidad

Roseanne Barr shocked the television waves with the in-your-face realism of her small screen family, but we also can’t forget her glass ceiling shattering insistence on donning the big man’s suit for some extra December cash at the Lanford Mall. Paco Plaza’s The Christmas Tale features a similar twist: a mysterious dark-haired woman clad as Santa Claus has stolen $2 million and now finds herself trapped in a deep and lonely forest ditch, where her only salvation is a group of ‘80s infused children with mixed morality. I’d hate to spoil this excellent little offbeat thriller (found on the Spanish series Six Films to Keep You Awake), so just know that Rebecca does get to prowl the lonely woods with a sharpened axe and serious lack of Christmas spirit.

3. The Chapman Bros.Silent Night, Deadly Night 1-3

Gifted with one of the easiest psychologically explained motives in slasher history (crazy grandpa’s insistence that Santa’s purpose is to discipline sinners; parents’ subsequent murder after cursing; an abusive nun wielding a switch at the sight of premarital sex) and one of the best one word mottos ever (PUNISH!), Silent Night, Deadly Night helped to set the popularize and polarize Christmas massacres for all time. Billy himself is something of a drip, but he does earn points for innovative slayings (including one involving a slay) and honoring the honor system by trusting “nice kids” and improvising presents. Yes, the knife you just used to kill a little girl’s older sister’s boyfriend may be a slightly inappropriate stocking stuffer, but it’s the thought that counts. Little brother Rickey is a little less effective as Old St. Nick (although his eyebrows alone could possibly steer eight reindeer solo). We’ll give him a pass for being an infant at the initial Chapman family tragedy, especially since he still managed to remember and recount that and the entire rest of Silent Night, Deadly Night to take up 60% of the running time of his first sequel.

2. Jack Skellington/Santy Claws, The Nightmare Before Christmas

When we really consider Jack’s Kringle skills in this stop motion animated masterpiece, we can’t be kinder than A for Effort, D for Execution (especially since all the kids seemed to survive--I mean...carry on). Mr. Claws, on the other hand, is kind of a pompous jerk with a sense of self-importance as big as his bloated waistline. Still, the little booted big man should be commended for cleaning up Jack’s mess with such speed and efficiency, not to mention introducing the concept of snowballs to Halloweentown. 

1. Harry Stadling, Christmas Evil 

He makes high quality presents. He’s a smooth dancer and thorough spy, but it’s Harry’s innocent yearlong yuletide spirit that really earns him the top spot. Sure, his standards for the Nice List are a little controversial (bad breath could be genetic and being “just darling” seems a little surface), but of all the cinematic characters to ever don a homemade wool jumpsuit, it’s Brandon Maggart’s Travis Bickle after too many candy canes from this 1980 low budget classic that makes the holiday. Although the stress of non-believers does eventually drive him to multiple homicide, Harry follows his own dream and is never happier than when donating a van full of handcrafted toys to a needy children’s hospital. He’s a taker of unworthy lives, but a giver of true joy. 

A Real Friend Is Always There To Lend a Chainsaw

One of the many reasons why I love Toy Story so much is how Woody (that genial and jealous cowboy voiced by Jim Hanks' brother) comes to accept and love the fact that his sole purpose in life is to be there for his master and friend. As kids, we deal with a lot of opposition from parents, siblings, teachers, and classmates, but save for a loyal dog, nobody listens to us with quite the same selfless dedication as our Pound Puppies, baby dolls, prized action figures, or, in the case of today’s film, imaginary friends.

A Real Friend is another 75 minute selection from Spain’s 6 Films to Keep You Awake, a 2006 collection that puts America’s Masters of Horror to the test. Like The Christmas Tale , (the wicked little gem that takes up the flip side of this DVD), it finds a point in childhood where the monsterish meets reality and lets an odd little story unfold with speed.

Quick Plot: Estrella (Nerea Inchausti) is a horror loving bookworm living a lonely existence with her single mother. While Mom Angela (Goya Toledo) works as an efficient, if not overly compassionate nurse, Estrella passes the time chit chatting with pals that bear striking resemblances to Leatherface, Mr. Hyde, Nosferatu, and a few other familiar faces rarely rearing their homicidal heads in 2nd grade classrooms.

All’s fun and adorable until Estrella meets a daybreaking vampire who seems a tad too interested (at least, by our estimation) in her family’s homelife. Is this balding duster-clad pale man another innocent figment of our heroine’s rich imagination? A deeper creation breaking through, or a real life menace from her mother’s mysterious past?

Like The Christmas Tale, A Real Friend is another distinct, somewhat sweet, and slightly disturbing treat that doesn’t wear out its welcome. It presents a neat little premise sold early in the film’s running by fine performances and plenty of empathy for a young character most horror fans can easily relate to by nudging their inner children awake.

That being said, A Real Friend never really grabs the reins to steer the audience in a clear direction. We’re fully invested in Estrella, but filmmaker Enrique Urbizu doesn’t really seem confident in whose narrative voice should be pushing the final act. We want to learn more about Angela’s connection to the increasingly unsettling villain, but we also need Estrella’s personal posse for the big finale. Instead of finding a fluid method of connecting these threads, Urbizu instead veers off to follow a third character we barely know. In the end, we never even find out exactly how our two leads feel about the bloody climax, or--more importantly--just how much control they had over its outcome.

High Points

I don’t know what’s in school lunch milk or pre-natal vitamins from the early 1990s, but following both this and The Christmas Tale, it seems Spain is the new breeding ground for effortlessly sensitive and sympathetic child actors

Much like The Christmas Tale, A Real Friend finds a one-of-a-kind, yet somehow familiar voice in reintroducing the horror icons from our past into a very different and much kinder--or is it?--new world.

Middle Points

The closing scene initially felt like a letdown and a cheat, but the longer it’s brewed in my head, the more oddly disturbing it seems to be for its strange implications on what may actually be going on inside Estrella’s mind

Low Points

Despite an extremely likable protagonist, I felt oddly detached from A Real Friend and I’ve yet to fully identify why. Perhaps it was the aforementioned character switch or lack of a grounded reality, but I ultimately found myself watching this film from a distance instead of actively engaging in its story.

Lessons Learned

Nothing ruins a day at the beach more than finding your personality-less teacher misguidedly putting the moves on your hot mom

Wine is not a drink

If you’re going to spend most of your time with imaginary friends, do yourself a favor and arm them well

Rent/Bury/Buy

I’ve already pledged my Buy support to the 6 Films series, and though I didn’t enjoy A Real Friend with quite the same level of enthusiasm as The Christmas Tale, it’s still an intriguing and thoroughly different film from your typical Hollywood studio offering. I’ll toss out a disclaimer to say I was a tad too tired while watching A Real Friend (and growing more and more antsy after holding onto the Netflix DVD for over 2 weeks) and may have been too low in my post-holiday spiritless daze to fully appreciate the image of Leatherface fighting the urge to pull a little girl’s braids. The film isn't perfect, nor is it revolutionary or the mark of a visionary honing his craft. It is, however, something new, charming, and more than worthy of your 75 minutes. 

Los Monstros Pequenos

While respected film critics and paid journalists sift through prestigious Oscar bait in search of completing annual best-of lists, I aim low with the hopes of finding a few films that I can actually discuss in public without shame. Thankfully, there’s a country called Spain.

Six Films To Keep You Awake is a 2006 series of slightly-shorter-than-usual feature length films produced by Narciso Ibáñez Serrador, he of the woefully underrated and terrifying classic, Who Can Kill a Child? Words don't express how much I loved that 1976 film (although they certainly tried in my review ), but Serrador's involvement seems to mirror Mick Garris's role in amassing those Masters of Horror. I picked up today’s subject, Cuento de Navidad (The Christmas Tale para los gringos) following the enthusiastic recommendation of one of my favorite bloggers, the mighty and macho Matt House over at Chuck Norris Ate My Baby (read his excellent review here ). Although it bares Serrador's name, the real men behind this sparkling little holiday treat are director Paco Plaza and writer Luis Berdejo, the team best known for 2007's refreshing viral zombie pic REC.

Quick Plot: Five spunky 12 year olds are enjoying Christmas vacation in 1985. Between watching zombie flicks, riding their bikes, and waxing on and waxing off, they stumble upon a deep hole in the woods with a mysterious woman named Rebecca and dressed as Santa Claus trapped inside (thankfully, none of The Pit ’s trollogs or obnoxious child actors are to be found). They attempt to notify the local policeman--a man who’d much rather provide very specific instructions for cooking xmas dinner--but do an about face when they discover a fax that puts their St. Nicole as a dangerous bank robber.

The gang is in a pickle. Two of the boys see million dollar signs and a lucrative hostage situation in their Christmas future, while the more sympathetic Moni (played by a pre-Pan’s Labyrinth Ivana Banquero with the same quality of ahead-of-her-years performance) feels it’s wrong to not help a woman in need, especially when the alphas start suggesting starvation as a torture tactic. The young Koldi nurtures his crush on Moni by supporting her decision, while Tito, the Short Round stand-in with some mean Ralph Maccio moves, is more interested in propising elaborate plans without considering the moral implications.

I'll slow down with any plot description, as The Christmas Tale's journey takes a few surprising--if not overly shocking--turns that are fun to experience with no expectations. It’s rare that you can watch a film and have no idea where it’s going, but this is indeed such a refreshingly made story that somehow manages to combine sunny nostalgia with cruel little twists. The somewhat standard premise--diverse preteens caught up in a wild adventure no adult could possibly handle--is both honored and improved, with true suspense, an intriguing villain, and pitch perfect filming that interprets nearly every scene through the eyes of its characters. A very deliberate touch is how, save for Rebecca, no grownup is ever fully seen onscreen. This Peanuts/Muppet Babies approach perfectly suits The Christmas Tale, where our characters’--and in effect, our own--understanding of how to survive is limited to a few hysterically tongue-in-cheek B-movie excerpts about the rubbery voodoo cursed undead.

I was utterly charmed by this movie in a way that makes me smile like a proud and approving aunt. This isn’t a “horror” in the typical definition of the genre, but because you care so much about these realistic, funny, and imperfectly not adorable kids, you remain surprisingly frightened for their fate throughout the film’s big chase scenes. At the same time, there’s a wonderful Peter Pan-esque cruelty they realisitcally commit against each other, eliminating the innate cuteness that could have clogged the earlier scenes with cloying child actors. While it does get fairly dark, it's almost the perfect film for those younger teenagers about to dip their toes into actual horror movies but still not ready for full blown boobs and guts.

High Points

There’s never one moment where you don’t believe in the naturalness of our young quintet, which is a huge testament to both the talented young actors and wise skills of the director

The Christmas Tale is quite a beautifully shot film, with original camera sweepings into and out of Rebecca’s pit and lots of touches that keeps the story from a child’s perspective

Having the film’s “monster” cast as a female is an intriguing touch that works well to stir up the children’s relationships. It helps that actress Maru Valdivielso brings both a sad sense of worldliness and a hungry old fashioned villainy to her character without even 20 words of dialogue.

Low Points

I suppose I was left wondering about the true nature of Rebecca, but since this was such a quickly paced film and our viewpoint was from the kids, I really didn't mind that dangling mystery

Lessons Learned

You know a boy likes you when he chooses Princess Leia as your code name

Blue cheese goes well in fish pie

Watching zombie movies at a young age is one of the most educational endeavors a child can take for him or herself

Mothers who watch Dynasty are risking the lives of their children

Rent/Bury/Buy

If even one other pick from the 6 Films to Keep You Awake boxed set is as enjoyable as this one, I’d encourage a buy if the price is right (and at just $17 on Amazon, it’s right enough for my xmas present to myself). My disc came from Netflix with a second film on the flip side (the soon-to-be-watched A Real Friend) and an entertaining making-of featurette that’s worth a good spirited watch for anyone who wants to learn more about The Christmas Tale. If you’ve been waiting for a slightly more serious companion to the Monster Squad and don’t mind some subtitles, I can’t encourage you enough to check out this funny, spooky, and utterly original little film.