The Good, The Bad, The Gooey

When it comes to action horror sci-fi westerns, you don’t get much more ‘80s than Nightmare at Noon, There’s neon green blood goo, Jeopardy! references, George Kennedy as a sad dad sheriff, and so much more, all in the grainy glory we’ve come to expect from a genre pic dropped on Amazon Prime.

Ladies and gentlemen: load your fanny pack and strap in.

Quick Plot: Somewhere deep in the mountains of Utah, a mysterious albino (seriously: that’s how he’s credited, even if he’s played by Blade Runner’s Brion James) has poisoned a small town’s water supply with some kind of radioactive serum that turns anyone who drinks it into a violent maniac. 

Just down the hills, yuppie lawyer Ken (‘80s stalwart Wings Hauser) and his wife Cheri (Friday the 13th Part IV’s Kimberly Beck) are enjoying their vacation in a luxurious RV when they pick up a hitchhiker named Reilly (first and last name the same). A stop at the small diner introduces them to the first of the green-blooded psychos, and before you know it, they’ve teamed up with local law enforcement for a true cowboy-style shootout. 

Directed by Island of Death’s Nico Mastorakis, Nightmare at Noon is not, let’s say, a coy film. With its red rock mountain backdrop and sweeping score (partially composed by a young Hans Zimmer!), it pulls out every possible stop, from a horseback escape to the classic trope of having an infected team member hide his inevitable downfall from his pals until the grand self sacrifice. This is a movie that fittingly climaxes in a duel…between two helicopters.

When you start with aggressively neon credits that literally whoosh onscreen, your biggest challenge is to maintain that manic energy for 90 minutes. Somehow Mastorakis pulls it off. 

It’s bloody beautiful. Hot green bloody, that is.

High Points

Pro tip: Nightmare at Noon is best enjoyed with the subtitles on, not just for its glorious dialogue but for the fantastically graphic sound listings like “laser sizzles,” and my favorite, “ketchup squelching” 

Low Points

It’s a shame that Cheri gets sidelined so quickly, because Beck has such a charmingly sassy chemistry with everyone else onscreen that the film genuinely loses a little spark when she’s zombieing behind bars

Lessons Learned

The fate of a vigilantes is always death or jail

Contrary to popular belief, one’s ability to negotiate with Twisted Sister does not directly correlate with one’s people skills with rabid mutant junkyard managers named Floyd 

The price you pay for roughing it is microwaved croissants

Rent/Bury/Buy

Nightmare At Noon is a glorious slice of true American cheese. You pretty much have everything you could possibly want from an ‘80s action horror, with a sweaty George Kennedy to boot. Hop to it. 

March of the Plague Survivors

Film plots that I will never turn down: save the rec center through dance, prevent/survive nuclear war, and worldwide plagues.

1980's Virus has two out of three.

Somewhere in my personal heaven, a movie exists wherein breakdancing teenagers struggle to disarm Soviet missiles while coughing through a superflu.

If that's not motivation to live morally, what is?

Quick Plot: Ah, the Cold War, a time when everyone couldn't help but create messy scenarios that could inevitably go wrong and lead to the end of the world. 

Or most of it.

After an experimental virus is accidentally released, the majority of human beings are wiped out by the new malady known as "The Italian Flu." The only hope for mankind awaits in Antarctica, where the freezing temperatures provide a natural barrier to the germs. With 800 men,  8 women, and a whole lot more (unseen) penguins, the remaining survivors (mostly scientists, thought probably not the penguins; or maybe the penguins, who am I to draw conclusions?) re-order society under the wise guidance of George Kennedy.

Things are going peacefully enough until an impending earthquake is detected. Because it's the 1980s, nuclear missiles have been locked and loaded with just about every spot of land in target for one political reason or another. An American survivor realizes that the movement from the earthquakes will trigger some bombs towards the Soviet Union, which the Russian diplomat reveals will in turn blast some weaponry toward suspected U.S. stations in none other than the lonely outposts of the Arctic shores. 

Thankfully, there's one working submarine still in action, and it's captained by none other than Tourist Trap's Chuck Connors who plays a British naval officer with an accent that makes Kevin Costner's Robin Hood seem authentic. Actually, he doesn't really even TRY an accent. He just reads his script littered with Englishisms ("chaps", "you Yankees," etc.) in the same grizzly Brooklyn/Southern cadence he used as Mr. Slausen. It. Is. Weird.

Anyway, American soldier Bo Svenson(!) teams up with scientist Masao Kusakari to deactivate the bombs, now armed with a possible vaccine. Can they save the lingering bits of humanity? SHOULD they? 

Virus, also known as Day of Resurrection (spoiler alert?), was an incredibly big budgeted international production directed by Kinji Fukasaku, the visionary who would go on to helm Battle Royale and fuel Emily's imagination in every scenario. Based on a novel, its international scope feels epic in intention. Unfortunately, the pared down version streaming on Amazon Prime (with some 45 minutes cut out from the original cut) doesn't quite reach the bigness the material deserves. 

There's a good 45 minutes or so spent with characters who (SPOILER ALERT) die en masse as the virus spreads throughout the northern hemisphere. While it's exciting to see such an assortment of actors (Henry Silva! Glenn Ford! Robert Vaughn!), the constant shifting of protagonists takes a little too long to stabilize, eventually leading us to figure out by default that our real lead is a mild-mannered but secretly brave Japanese scientist. 

Perhaps because of the editing, there are also a ton of ideas that don't quite get the attention they deserve in being fleshed out. The gender politics are incredibly complicated, and while there's a small amount of effort made to show how a society of educated individuals would deal with such matters, it ultimately feels fairly shortchanged in the overall final product. 

Problems (of which there are many; did I mention this is Amazon Prime and therefore, very poorly lit?) aside, I certainly enjoyed Virus because, well, it's a movie about the end of the world involving both nuclear missiles AND a devastating plague. It's brimming with recognizable actors from all over the globe, from Sonny Chiba to Edward James Olmos to, you know, CHUCK CONNORS PLAYING AN ENGLISHMAN.

Sorry, this one just REALLY lingers.

High Points

You can't be unhappy with the sheer internationalism of the cast, which includes not just a diversity of actors, but characters from every part of the world

Low Points

Look, it's also sort of what will make me remember this movie forever so it can't be THAT bad a thing, but seriously: how DID I MENTION CHUCK CONNORS PLAYS A BRITISH CHARACTER DESPITE NOT ALTERING HIS VERY AMERICAN ACCENT AT ALL?

Lessons Learned

In the early '80s, the going rate for transporting flesh-eating bacteria was 50,000 pounds

The real secret to world peace is a stern Bo Svenson

Tying one's shoes is more difficult and time consuming than activating nuclear weapons

Rent/Bury/Buy

I can only speak to the truncated 108 minute version available on Netflix, which looks grainy and doesn't seem to flow with the full epic scale one would imagine for a film of this subject matter, budget, and director. That being said, if you, like me, love a good fashioned On the Beach-style end-of-world saga, this is certainly one loaded with a whole lot of the hallmarks of the genre. I'll be on the lookout for the extended version, which is probably (I'm guessing) the more proper way to watch.

Proper, in the truest of British forms.

That Darn (Uninvited) Cat

I've known for years that this realm of the universe contained a Greydon Clark horror flick about a cute cat infected with a homicidal parasite that causes it to birth other cats infected with homicidal parasites in puppet form. For some time, it's been one of those "when I deserve it" future watches to be saved for a day when I've earned the right to say, 

I guess a snow day during February's Shortening was enough of a victory.

Quick Plot: Welcome to Fort Lauderedale, where spring break is in full swing. Normally a batch of oversexed college kids on a boat would be enough of a base to start your movie, but Uninvited has higher ambitions in sight. In addition to our gaggle of spoiled coeds, Clark throws in Alex Cord a slick mobster of sorts aided by henchmen Clu Gulager and the gloriously embittered George Kennedy.

MAN is George Kennedy angry in this movie. Granted, if I was on a yacht en route to my fortune and my boss threw an awful batch of lazy early 20somethings my way, I'd probably want to throw them overboard as well. 

Thankfully, there's an escaped lab experiment feline on hand to dispose of the awful youths with truly powerful puppet fury. 

I don't know how much more I can really say about Uninvited without constantly repeating, "genetically mutated homicidal cat puppet" or "super angry George Kennedy." These are reasons to watch this movie. You want reasons not to watch? Well, the best things I can say about it are "genetically mutated homicidal cat puppet" and "super angry George Kennedy."

High Points

Guys, this movie has a puppet cat birthing genetically mutated homicidal puppet cats from its mouth in order to piss off George Kennedy

Low Points

Guys, this movie is really stupid

Lessons Learned

Fighting the FCC is hard for small potatoes

In the late '80s, hazmat suits resembled space versions of KKK garb

Nobody gets sick on yachts

The beach is for riff raff. Classy broads stay on the marina

The Winning (Pickup) Line

"I think you're better than Jane Fonda."

MELTING, amiright ladies?

Arnie Inevitability

"Must be a tumor--"
In a post-Kindergarten Cop world, has anybody ever been able to make that statement without hearing the kneejerk reaction of "IT'S NOTTA TOO-MAH"?

Art Opportunities

Guys, how great is the various cover art for this movie? A sampling:

How can you argue with that inspiration?

Rent/Bury/Buy

You may be wondering how I could say so little about a movie that involves a genetically mutated cat birthing killer puppets. Well guys, what can I say? This is a stupid movie about a genetically mutated puppet cat. Yes, there's slightly more to the plot (mob ties, drunken boat captains, horny college kids, all of which sort of ties together by the bond of genetic cat puppet mutation) but at the end of the day, this is a stupid killer puppet cat movie elevated by some super '80s touches of glory. Stream for free on Amazon Prime when you feel the need for aerobics or angry George Kennedy.