Only In the World of Virtual Reality Can There Be a 13th Floor

To our modern 21st century eyes, there's something rather adorable about the excitement we and our elders had towards the prospect of virtual reality in the mid-1990s. Before the Sims could make us feel like gods or Wii Fitness could fool us into full body workouts (or arm flailing), the idea of video game make believe sparked the imagination of a full generation of mediocre sci-fi filmmakers.

We had The Lawnmower Man. It had a sequel. There were Strange Days and Virtuosity. Heck, even the steamy sexual harassment thrills of Disclosure feature a rather hilariously pixelated Demi Moore causing some mayhem. It was quite the rage, culminating in one of action cinema’s most frustratingly influential trendsetters, The Matrix.

Just before Neo took that pill, however, director Josef Ruznak (who, a decade later, would damn his soul to hell with the abominable It’s Alive remake) tackled Daniel F. Galouye’s 1960s era sci-fi novel, Simulacron-3, adapting it into the much more tongue-friendly title, The Thirteenth Floor.

Quick Plot: An elder gentleman with the steely blue eyes of Armin Mueller-Stahl wanders through a 1930s era LA with a mission to hand off an important letter to a shockingly blond Vincent D’Onofrio. We soon learn that Stahl is actually Hannon Fuller, a techno-genius-mogul of sorts playing around in his next big hit, a virtual reality program that drops users into the past. Fuller’s Bill Gatesian plans are foiled when he’s stabbed to death outside a bar in the present (1990s), leaving his next-in-command Douglas (the poor American man’s Clive Owen, Craig Bierko) to solve the mystery of his murder, decide the future of the program, elude future President Dennis Haysbert’s detective probing, and fall in love with Past It Girl Gretchen Mol.

Also, to rock a kickin' '30s 'stache

Science fiction is a complicated genre when it comes to time. On one hand, the ideas presented in the stories are supposed to be fairly speculative, meaning nothing should feel bound by its era. On the other, does any other genre age more noticeably? Part of it is that the ‘idea of the future’ is fragile, rendering visual imagination obsolete or out of date once that time finally arrives. Sure, Starship Troopers rather accurately anticipated iPads, but it’s hard to believe a Logan’s Run prediction of the next few centuries when everyone’s dressed as if they’re preparing for a typical Saturday night at a roller disco.

The Thirteenth Floor circles that problem, as the concept of virtual reality as defined by ‘90s cinema has all but become a punchline. Looking past that is equally problematic: without giving too much away, this is a story that had been done so much better (both visually and emotionally) in the then-underseen, now slightly-overrated Dark City. There are some deeply thoughtful ideas at play in The Thirteenth Floor, but there’s also a murder mystery to solve and gooey romance to slog through. At about 100 minutes, there’s simply not enough time for anything of genuine depth to transpire.

This is not to say that The Thirteenth Floor is a bad movie. It has Vincent D’Onofrio sporting long greasy blond locks for goodness sakes! It has Armin Mueller-Stahl in jeans! OF COURSE IT’S NOT A BAD MOVIE. 

It’s just kind of mediocre.

High Points

While The Lawnmower Man graphics still elicit a few good chuckles, the film seems to come alive most in its virtual reality experiment, playing with colors and visual style as Douglas experiences a post-Boardwalk Empire, pre-Wizard of Oz world

Low Points
At its core, there are some truly fascinating themes present in this film, ones that could explore identity, humanity, god syndrome, and so much more. But perhaps due to its marketability as a sci-fi thriller, The Thirteenth Floor never really commits to fleshing out its heart

Lessons Learned

Even simulated universes contain a steady supply of L-shaped bedsheets to best cover the female form after a night of lovemaking

When making a bargain martini, a pretzel is a sufficient, if not quite desirable substitute for an olive

The best way to channel a lack of class is to chew gum with one’s mouth open 

You Know You’re In a ‘90s Film When…

The grocery checkout cashier asks you whether you prefer paper or plastic 

One could buy three packs of cigarettes for less than $7.50

A pointed reference is made at America’s Most Wanted

Rent/Bury/Buy

The Thirteenth Floor was streaming on Netflix until the Great May 1st Purge of 2013. It’s unfortunate since that’s probably the best way to watch this film. It doesn’t REALLY merit a rental or purchase, but as a lazy weekend viewing, it’s more than adequate. The film’s ‘90s nostalgia ages in the typically interesting way of that era’s sci-fi, while the actual mystery aspects are strung out well enough to keep you curious until the end. The story has been done better, but hey...pixels!

Not the One With Jewish Gary Oldman

If there’s one thing the woman in me finds frightening, it’s pregnancy.

Think about it.

There’s something GROWING INSIDE YOU. EATING what you eat. INHALING what you breathe. FEELING what you feel. It’s just SITTING there like some couch surfing broke friend, giving you nothing in return for nine months but morning sickness, bodily restrictions, and, if you’re taking your prenatal vitamins, outstanding hair.

(Based on observing friends and family carrying children, my understanding is that the only benefits one reaps during pregnancy are an increased chance of getting a seat on the subway and truly outstanding hair.)

Yeah yeah yeah, I know. The horrors of stretch marks and labor pains are eradicated by the birth of your beautiful perfect baby and all that jazz. Sure. I believe you. But what if said offspring is…

Not. Quite. Right.

Quick Plot: Brooke Adams plays Virginia Marshall, a children’s book author happily married to a successful lawyer and living the white collar dream of any American in the 1980s. The only thing missing is a baby, something Virginia and hubby Brad have been trying to make for several years but have hit roadblocks with both infertility and the nagging specter of Virginia’s occasional bouts with depression.

Enter James Karen as a wait-list-worthy gynecology superstar known for his stunning success with in vitro treatment. Past beneficiaries include Virginia’s annoyingly proud pal Cindy and a young Kathy Griffin’s New Age man-hating girlfriend. Never mind the fact that Cindy’s supposedly genius toddler drowned her older brother or that Kathy Griffin’s wife has turned violent. The baby seems fine so all must be in order…right?

The Unborn comes 17 long years after the better known mutated killer baby film It’s Alive but still follows in its tiny footsteps. Both films are interested in the oddness of the childbirth process, though The Unborn focuses most of its attention on the actual period of pregnancy. Where Larry Cohen’s wonderful It’s Alive trilogy was ultimately about a reluctant man coming to terms with fatherhood, The Unborn is more a scientifically minded Rosemary’s Baby exploring a hesitant mother-to-be learning her reservations might have been more justified than common cold feet.

As Virginia, Brooke Adams is the real strength of The Unborn. She’s a hard-working professional woman with a sarcastic sense of humor, someone who has to fight the urge to roll her eyes every time fellow women speak of the glow of motherhood and wonders of their perfect children. Both the writing and performance are impressively sharp for Virginia, making her come off as an actual person that you or I could certainly know (or even, in some cases, actually be). It’s a shame then that the ending ultimately betrays her.

I’m not going to spoil The Unborn, but if you’ve seen almost any My Child Is Evil film, there’s a good chance you’ll see the final shot coming. Well, I doubt your imagination will be that specific since once we meet the baby, it’s quite a unique little work of puppetry, but still: the outcome is obvious, and yet, quite unearned.

Directed by Rodman Leprechaun 2 Flender, The Unborn is a far better film than its VHS-only reputation might lead you to believe. Because Adams and the character-based writing (by “Henry Dominic, which is apparently a pseudonym for the Catwoman team of John D. Brancato and Michael Ferris) is so good, the audience is led to believe we’re watching an ambitious thriller about parenthood, the medical industry, and what it means to carry a child. Virginia’s past with clinical depression is a fascinating story thread that goes far in establishing her fears even before the mysterious rashes and cat-killing fetus shows its true colors. Much like how It’s Alive began with parents who almost terminated their pregnancy at its first signs, The Unborn starts with a self-aware woman unsure if she has what it takes to be a good mother. Sure, the film ultimately resolves that, but it seems like there was a more interesting answer to that question.

“Dominic’s” script also flirts with some amusing satire on the general culture of pregnancy and parenthood. Virginia’s yuppie friends set the bar for having obnoxious pride in their kids, something dashed rather horribly when one of them commits fratricide. The lighter touch is Griffin and her girlfriend espousing crystal energy and placenta power to a group of dubious non-lesbians. It’s still funny 21 years later.

So what doesn’t work about The Unborn? Sadly, the actual horror movie portion. Once we meet Mini Marshall, all the carefully wrought tension evaporates into bad puppetry and a rushed conclusion. At just 80 minutes long, The Unborn could certainly have taken more time in its resolution, though any more time spent showing the actual monster would have only hurt all the work building it up.

Ah well. The baby still looks better than Bijou Philips’ monster kid in the It’s Alive remake.

As does the crayon drawing made by my cat.

High Points

With the help of a surprisingly smart (when dealing with character) script, Brooke Adams absolutely nails the role of Virginia. Like Mia Farrow’s Rosemary, Virginia is pretty much onscreen for the film’s entire running length, making it vital that Adams registers with the audience. She does.

Low Points

Blargh

Lessons Learned

A dozen or so children still read in this country

There is something called placenta recipes and they are apparently delicious

The best venue to reveal the horror of expensive fertility clinics is generally not a lightweight morning talkshow

Look! It’s…

A young dark-haired Lisa Kudrow as James Karen’s assistant

Rent/Bury/Buy

The Unborn is currently streaming on Netflix and anyone with a passing interest in pregnancy horror will certainly get something out of it. My disappointment comes from the film’s squandered potential, but thanks to Adams’ performance and the occasionally very clever script, the film is still more than worthy of a watch. Especially if, like me, you just want the world to acknowledge how weird the act of pregnancy truly is.

Why, I Oughtta Rate the Aughts!

You know what time it is...

That's right. Wheel out your eternally young, probably vampiric music personalities and let's toast to the end of the aughts. I'm actually quite bummed to lose this decade since I only discovered about two weeks ago that I could have been using the word "aught" in daily speech for the last ten years. Such a loss.


And just what is my last post of 2009? A rough guide to my thoughts on the last ten years in horror, with special attention to the highs, lows, and in-betweens. Expect zombie talk. Saw defending. Friday the 13th bashing, Martyrs theorizing, and lots of other 21st century travels surrounding studio horror I happen to remember.


Here goes:

THE HIGHS

1. The Evolution of Torture Porn

See my list of Lows for how I feel about the brief craze that rocked the mid aughts, but like any art form, good things can always rise from the bad. Eli Roth’s Hostel may have made the bucks, but it was his 2007 followup that explored new aspects of horror by taking us inside the world of a few regular joes ready to get off on the sensation of murder. Similarly, there was Martyrs, the genre fandom’s most divisive film of the 2008. Pascal Laugier’s French shocker disgusted some with its graphic violence and wowed others with its philosophical spin (and genre-bending) take on what was becoming dangerously well-tread territory. I’m thankful that the mean-spirited fad of the mid decade seems to be on the slide, but in hindsight, we shouldn’t deny that some of the more powerful films of the time came out as direct responses to its popularity.

2. Zombie Makeover

Hard to believe that prior to 2002, there hadn’t really been a losable race with the undead since Umberto Lenzi’s Nightmare City introduced sprinting zombies in 1980. While having great velocity doesn’t make a monster, we can’t ignore Danny Boyle (excuse me, Academy Award winning Danny Boyle) and his contribution to the zombie genre with 2002’s 28 Days Later. From its homages to past Romero films (Dayesque soldiers, Dawnishly undead child filled gas stations) to how it captured a world in the middle of disaster, this sleeper hit revived a subgenre that had spent the last few years in direct-to-video purgatory. 

3. Zombie Cred

Perhaps we’re nearing zombie burnout, but that doesn’t mean we should let a few too many brain flavored treats spoil what has been a pretty interesting decade of literature, films, artwork and video games. The MVP of the era is none other than writer Max Brooks, who put into handbook form what kids that had grown up playing Dawn of the Dead on the playground had been practicing their whole lives with 2003’s The Zombie Survival Guide. Three years later, Brooks gave us a true masterpiece unlike any other with World War Z, a sociopolitical horror show that used a zompocalypse setup to explore international and human relations. It’s hard to believe we’d have Zombieland or Pride & Prejudice & Zombies in the mainstream without the validation brought the genre by Brooks’ 21st century work.

4. Indie Horror

As technology inches closer to taking over our souls (yes, I’ve seen Pulse a few too many times) independent moviemaking has grown in its possibilities to allow unconfirmed artists the freedom and tools to craft their own genuine films. Paranormal Activity will long be remembered for its $15,000 rags to box office riches tale and an inspiration to other do-it-yourself auteurs. Additional strong showings from low budgeted titles like Session 9, May, Hatchet, Zombie Diaries, Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer and more proved that one didn’t need a major studio’s permission slip to create a memorable, frightening, or plain ol’ good time .

THE MIDDLES

1. Found Footage Films

The concept of handheld horror is hardly new to the genre. Look to 1980’s Cannibal Holocaust or even Belgium’s faux documentary monster show, Man Bites Dog for older evidence. In a world where anybody’s cat can be a star on youtube, found footage and homemade movies rose to a whole new level of social consciousness, from the blockbuster disaster flick Cloverfield to the refreshing jolt of Spanish zombie action in REC. Even George Romero threw his ponytail in the ring with Diary of the Dead, a messily narrated and sadly out-of-date (but not wholly unfulfilling) reboot to his living dead saga. Following the success of Paranormal Activity, it’s hard to believe this sometimes innovative, sometimes nausea inducing style is going anywhere anytime soon.

2. The State of Franchises

For various reasons, I believe it’s fair to say we’ll probably never see another era so defined by famous franchises as the 1980s and their reliance on Freddy & Jason’s annual outings. In the last ten years, however, we did witness a few interesting--if no real champion--attempts to establish a multi-film series to varying levels of success. Final Destination kicked off the decade and has since provided three more enjoyably twisted popcorn flicks, but without a concrete villain, it’s a hard concept to market for Halloween costumes. Resident Evil tossed out a few fluffy hours of video game style zombie fun (soon to be resurrected and--get this--rebooted), but hardly made its mark on the millennium. The true gold medal goes to Lions Gate’s low budget juggernaut Saw, a series still going strong six films in (blame dwindling box office of Part VI on the Paranormal effect and the terrible taste left by Saw V). Love him or hate him, Tobin Bell’s Jigsaw is the closest this century has yet come to creating a horror icon, and while that doesn’t offend my sensibilities, many a film fan is most likely committing their own form of self-imposed torture porn upon themselves at the very thought. Ah well. I’m sure there’s a market for that...

3. Refreshing Remakes

While there were no classic revamps to hold a candle to 1980s power players like The Thing or The Fly (or for that matter, The Blob; apparently, great remakes can only be made with the definite article in their title), it would be a lie to say all 21st century remakes have thus far been sins against the foundation of cinema. 2004’s Dawn of the Dead managed the near-impossible by bringing new life to one of the genre’s most deservedly loved films of all time (even if it had to resort to action movie speed to do so). Last House On the Left remains one of the most unnecessary remakes of recent years, but also ended up being a fairly decent and disturbing 90 minutes of its own. And where would studio horror be without the sharp and haunting Gore Verbinski triumph of 2002’s The Ring? Well, it would be a lot more original and not clogged by uninspired makeovers of other Asian ghost stories, but from Naomi Watt’s strong career-boosting performance to Samara’s TV crawl, it’s hard to really deny the striking power of the film that started it all.

THE LOWS

1. Torture Porn

In another ten years, there’s a good chance that this unsanitary subgenre will have become a chuckle-worthy bit of nostalgia along the lines of snap bracelets or rec centers. For a brief period in the mid-00s, however, it was invading every multiplex and firing up censor happy Tipper Gore wannabes with its blatant attempts to shock and disgust. There was certainly merit to be found in its early years--those who’ve read my work before know that I give Saw and its spawn far more credit than most--but when so many studio films hopped on board, it was the the audience that lost with empty violence from films like Turistas or The Collector. Perhaps the biggest offense was 2007’s Captivity, a middling thriller that truly crossed the line by inserting added footage of over-the-top torture post filming to blatantly cash in on the trend. 

2. Lazy Remakes

How hard did the makers of 2009’s Friday the 13th really have to try? Considering some of the dreck found in the middle days of that franchise (Part V, anyone?), and the general lack of any real scare or memorable character in eleven films that spanned three decades, making a decent reboot should have been easier than an open book test comparing Cheetos to Cheese Doodles. Yet somehow, Marcus Nispel’s attempt managed an incredible feat of being so mediocre, uninspired, and hard to actually see, it was kind of impressive in its aggressive blandness. Similarly, 2007’s The Hitcher showed how awful a film can be when its landscape is giving the best performance and The Omen proved that making a film because of its projected release date (6/6/06) is like reading War & Peace just because it’s heavy. And dull. Toss in The Amityville Horror, When a Stranger Calls, Pulse, and a pile of other remakes made with all the energy of a decaf latte.

3. Offensively Bad Remakes

It’s almost hard to pick on Neil LeBute’s laughable remake of one of the greatest genre films of all time, because 2006’s The Wicker Man did in fact have some positive effects; namely, making myself and many a youtube clicker laugh themselves silly for 2 minutes at a time. Still, it’s beyond awful, offensively misogynist, and a true crime against cinema. Similarly, the recent straight-to-DVD remake of It’s Alive was a baffling mess that should never have left a studio (much less a screenplay) and 2006’s Black Christmas managed to remove anything and everything interesting, spooky, and engaging about a landmark film and replace it with hateful characters and a style that literally produced headaches. Guess we were naughty that year.

THE UNFORESEEABLE FUTURE

1. 3D

Having not yet seen Avatar, I can’t really speak to the evolution of this 1950s gimmick originally launched to pry eyes away from that new thing called TV. Two major studio horror films have used it to varying effect: My Bloody Valentine capitalized on what was already darkly camp territory, but The Final Destination seemed to have no clue how to make Death pop behind plastic glasses. Recently, a slew of upcoming horror films have been announced to be receiving that $3 upgrade: Halloween 3, Saw VII, the Re-Animator remake, plus the soon-to-be-released Piranha, so until this lineup proves faulty in ticket sales, it seems like 3D is here to stay. For now. Let’s just hope nobody revises Smell-O-Vision.

2. Twilight

As someone who has yet to sit down and immerse myself in sparkling alabaster skin and flammable hair product, I refuse to make any sweeping generalization of the Twilight saga or how it casts shame upon the horror world. Some of my peers enjoy jumping on its underaged bare chest with a rusty pogo stick of hateful wit, but I like to believe in my Pollyanaish way that moody vampires can be one stepping stone into watching actual drama in something like Let the Right One In or just plain coolness, like Bill Paxton slicing a dude’s neck with his bitchin boot spurs. Generation Aught, prove me right.

It's Alive, Unfortunately

If I was hard on Grace for not quite living up to its hype, I’m sorry. If I complained about the second half of Rob Zombie’s Halloween, I apologize. Hell, if I insulted--and I did insult--Halloween 2, I kneel on the crunchy fallen leaves of autumn in atonement. Even the unbearable Black Christmas can get a pass for I have seen what may indeed be Hollywood’s most failed attempt at a horror remake.

The competition is still stiff. The Stepford Wives remains a painful embarrassment for all involved (most notably, the audience) and the rotting stench of The Hitcher was so awful, I had to burn the very clothes I wore the day I screened it. While I love a good dose of Nicolas Cage beating up women while dressed like a bear, I’ll never forgive Neil LaBute for the cinematic sacrilege that is The Wicker Man. But you know, Josef Rusnak’s 2008 remake of the classic 1974 Larry Cohen chiller is kind of horrible in a way that defies any and all kinds of logic.

Quick Plot/Low Points: Grad student Bijou Philips--

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa 

No, seriously--

leaves the world’s most spacious college dorm room to have her boyfriend’s baby, seemingly marrying and changing her name to Lenore Davis en route to the hospital. A muddled delivery six months into the pregnancy leaves a few doctors and nurses slaughtered in the OR and Lenore holding a monstrous, then gigantic (perhaps? it also seems to change shape and face, so who really knows) baby boy. The pretty couple brings little Daniel home to meet the rest of the secluded household: uncle Chris, a wheelchair bound 12 year old, and an ill-fated, underloved, and easily forgotten pet cat. Stuff seems to happen. I’ll attempt to list it now:

-Lenore drops out of school because she plans to spend the rest of her life breast feeding and cooing 

-Lenore’s roommate, Marnie, understandably becomes worried and keeps trying to call her. We get riveting scenes of the young woman leaving voicemail. It’s thrilling.

-Chris makes friends with a girl at school. This is important enough to warrant a five minute scene of dialogue. And then we never see her again.

-Police are mildly concerned about the fact that a woman gave birth as six people were brutally murdered around her. But really, who needs to investigate that thoroughly when the new mother seems so well adjusted? Especially when the actors cast as authority figures seem to speak in dubbed looping

-Baby Daniel starts to kill people with awful CGI magic

As a loyal fan of all things Larry Cohen, I didn’t expect to be overly pleased with It’s Alive. Still, I do believe it has a solid base story that could easily be retold in an interesting way for a 21st century audience. But it’s not.

About five minutes into It’s Alive, the seams were beginning to pop. It’s pretty clear that this was either a hastily made rush job or something that had gone through massive recuts during the editing process. I can imagine the director getting tired and looking around for the nearest body to take over. One scene may have indeed been shot by a kitten. It was later edited by that kitten’s hairball. And the script seems to have been written by a dyslexic sloth. 

I’m sorry. That’s insulting to sloths. And dyslexia.

The point it, everything about this film is just not good. The most egregious error comes in the very nature of the Davis baby. We first get a glimpse of him on his way from the home, a little large for a 6 month delivery but normal enough. Then we’re not allowed to to see his face for 80 minutes. Fine enough for suspense, but are we also to believe that neither the kid’s father nor uncle noticed that Daniel had evolved into an infected vampire zombie from I Am Legend? There’s nothing wrong with suspending disbelief for a piece of work, but it’s a whole different story when a film fails to ground its characters in any sense of reality. 

High Points

I like to believe the actual greenlighting of this film yielded a well-deserved royalty check for Larry Cohen. I also like to believe that the innovative filmmaker used said check to make a special order to Elite Hunting and when he arrived in Slovakia, he had a great time with everyone associated with this film.

Lessons Learned

Every mother truly does think he baby is the cutest, even when the infant resembles a cross between a lump of yogurt and a piranha

Doorbells run on battery power

When taking experimental Plan B tablets, it’s probably best to not to wash it down with a glass of Merlot


If you’re going to use a body double to display heaving pregnant breasts, it’s probably a good idea to not cast a naked woman with a DD bra cup and immediately cut to the lead actress covering her more-than-modest assets with a bony arm

Rent/Bury/Buy: 

Unless you’re a movie masochist or auditioning for a gig on MST3K, do not, under any circumstances, waste 90 minutes on this movie. It’s rare that I get so negative on a film, but It’s Alive is like the first draft of what would eventually become a C- paper. Granted, this may have earned a tad less of my hatred had it not been a remake of another film I cherish, but it remains something that should not have been released in its current form. Maybe I’m just getting grumpy, but I feel insulted as an audience member if this is what studios believe to be passable entertainment. 

The White Stuff

The Stuff does to corporate food products what Gremlins did to Cabbage Patch Kids. In the same way Joe Dante’s wicked little Christmas carol was a cautionary tale of the dangerous nature of "must have" product pushing --an unheeded warning, as seen by the Tickle-Me-Elmo mania ten years later--Larry Cohen’s 1985 horror comedy satirizes the evil of corporate greed and the impressionable consumers it destroys.


Quick Plot: When a bubbling white substance begins to ooze upwards from the earth, a passerby naturally dips his finger in it, takes a lick, and declares it delicious. Soon after, the stuff is dubbedThe Stuff and packaged in half pints, advertised with catchy 80s theme songs that highlight its zero calorie content, and devoured by supermarket shoppers across the country. The ice cream industry, facing bankruptcy, hires former FBI investigator (and Cohen compadre) Michael Moriarity (playing a man whose friends call him Mo, “Because no matter how much I get, I always want mo’’) to dig up the dirt on The Stuff. Meanwhile, a spunky boy with a dangerous craving for midnight snacks comes to despise the gooey dieter’s dream dish as his family--and, we assume, most of the world--becomes more and more addicted to its guilt-free sweetness. Toss in Garret Morris as a kung foo enhanced cookie maven, Danny Aiello as a retired FDA operator with dog training problems, and an unrestrained Paul Sorvino as a militia maniac with a hatred of communism and you have a bouncy, surprisingly intelligent, and ultimately over ambitious good time.

I won’t lie. If a dessert with no calories or fat and loads of sweet taste was put out on a grocery shelf, I’d be one of the first to try it (witness some bad times with the Olestra-poisoned Wow! Doritos). There. I've said it.

The Stuff is not a scary movie, nor is it meant to be. It’s probably impossible to make a frightfest out of a killer ice creamish substance akin to Carvel’s Thinny Thin or Yoplait’s Whips. Cohen doesn’t try. Instead, the auteur goes for sharp humor with a game cast, all of whom take their quirks and run with them. Like a lot of satires, The Stuff's lack of discipline feels fun for a while, but finally gets a little too messy for the film to completely work. Still, despite some fairly weak special effects and the 1980sness of the look, Cohen's work holds up today. We're all too eager to believe something that's too good to be true and those with the power to tell us are usually all too eager to rip us off in the process.


High Points
He may be a loopy right winged bird in real life, but Michael Moriority sure can liven up a role

Spotting playwright/actor Eric Bogosian as a put-upon supermarket clerk is a minor thrill


Any theme song must be catchy, and I’ve been singing “Can’t get enough...of The Stuff!” for two days straight

Low Points
While the entire last third goes a little haywire, the very last five minutes make no sense.
SPOILER: Why would Mo and little Jason keep any tubs knowing the danger its hazard? Yes, the corporate jerks deserve their punishment, but isn't force feeding them The Stuff recipe for an unwanted (by the characters) sequel?


Dog attacks aren’t scary when the only vicous thing seems to be saliva


Lessons Learned
Children of Long Island are the future resistance


In the 80s, models were allowed to eat

Work jumpsuits are one size fits all, which is convenient when you’re 6’4


Everybody has to eat shaving cream once in a while


Rent/Bury/Buy
Much like Moriority’s Mo, The Stuff is far smarter than you would think. Yes, the bottom half is rather nonsensical, but the rest is an imaginative little piece of 80s satire completely applicable to the age of Atkins Diets and Obama t-shirts (and note how The Stuff’s logo is eerily similar to Target's marketing art). The DVD's extras are disappointingly scant, but there is a director commentary sure to entertain. Unless you're frightened by the life matter inside the Staypuff Marshmallow Man, The Stuff won't give you nightmares. It will, on the other hand, make you laugh, think, and read ingredient labels with more care.