Take Me Out To the Bark Game

One learns quite a lot when devoting an entire month to Animals Doing Human Stuff movies. Among those tidbits of knowledge:

-farting is mandatory

-slide whistles still exist

-most Animals Doing Human Stuff movies need more animals doing human stuff

-there are A LOT of Air Bud movies

Air Bud began his domination in the late '90s when a film about a soccer playing golden retriever captured the wallets of family film loving audiences in America. Ever the smart studio, Disney proceeded to juice every ounce of sportsmanship out of the beautiful purebred, sending him to the football field, basketball court, space (yes, just like the Leprechaun) and here, baseball. Having never seen an Air Bud movie, it seemed logical to start with a sport I actually care about although let it not go unsaid:

Until I see Air Bud playing badminton, I will never be satisfied.

Although I'll concede that seeing him in a football helmet is, well,

Just TRY not to say aw. I dare you.

Quick Plot: As Air Bud's owner Josh Framm (Kevin Zeggers of Dawn of the Dead and Wrong Turn fame) heads off to college, his little sister Andrea experiences growing pains on her first day of junior high. Being the ignored middle child doesn't help matters, nor does her inability to fit into any extracurricular activity. 

Don't worry: there's a montage to explain everything.

Thankfully, Andrea's best pal Tammy is a secret all-star baseball player. Though Andrea doesn't know a strike from a ball, she makes the team due to Tammy's ultimatum to the coach. Now THAT'S a friend you want to have!

Andrea gets off to an awful start, first as an annoying bench warmer and later, an overly enthusiastic right fielder. Being the new owner of Buddy, however, Andrea soon learns that the perfect practice partner is right at her heels. After she improves her skills via montage (the third of the film and counting!), Andrea becomes an all-star pitcher and Buddy, the power-hitting first baseman.

Unlike Big & Hairy, which made a point of enrolling its basketball-playing sasquatch in middle school for team eligibility, Buddy has no affiliation with the education system. Nah, he's just an awesome dog that the entire town rightfully loves, so why SHOULDN'T he be allowed to bat cleanup? Since the movie makes no arguments about this point, neither shall I. Although you have to wonder how the poor schlubs that got cut from the team feel after being deprived their spot on the roster first so the awful Andrea could play with her friend, and now so a DOG could pant around the bases.

Eh. Children need canine role models way more than the chance to exert themselves on a ballfield. I am okay with this completely unfair system.

If Buddy's rise to the majors and Andrea's discovery of self-confidence was all there was to Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch, we probably wouldn't be at a feature length film. Instead, we get an erratic subplot about a pair of bumbling scientists who want to kidnap Buddy and his children to isolate the "supersports gene" and sell it to athletes. The villains are far too cartoonish to ever really be scary, which is kind of perfect for an audience that really just wants to watch well-choreographed stunts with a cute dog wearing a baseball uniform.

Director Robert Vince clearly knew what movie he was making, and there's a slick professionalism about Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch that shows up a good deal of the other ADHS films I've watched this month. The human cast (including Richard Karn and Cynthia Stevenson) is perfectly serviceable, the filmmaking fully professional, and the dog actors, well, pretty damn great. Sure, we've got our inevitable animal puns (Umpire: "This game has gone to the dogs!") and five minutes in, dogs-knocking-down-dad-to-eat-bbq-and-lick-his-face antics, but in a way, Air Bud is almost too good. I think weirdly affectionate horrors like Cats: The Movie are starting to confuse my expectations.

Ah well. At least we have a random WTF coda that has Air Bud playing first base for the Anaheim Angels as they win the World Series. 

It's the little things that make a difference.

High Notes

More than any other of America's popular sports, baseball is not easily played by amateurs. Air Bud does a surprisingly effective job at capturing the inexperienced Andrea's nerves when thrust upon the field for the first time

Low Notes

They really couldn’t teach the young actress playing Andrea how to not throw like a girl?

Lessons Learned

Golden retrievers look positively adorable when wearing baseball helmets

When your child and super genius dog are mysteriously missing, the best course of action to take is to watch the baseball game they're not at with sad looks on your face

A little girl on a bicycle can generally ride at the same speed as an automobile

Montage Mania

Of the 93 minute running time, I'm going to estimate 71 were devoted to montages, be they new activities, baseball tryouts, sad baseball playing, happy baseball training, good baseball playing, or the big game

Standard Animals Doing Human Stuff Trope Tally

New Kid In Town: X

Recent Dead or Divorced Parent: X

Montage: Check (check check check check...)

New Friendship: X

Potentially Inappropriate ‘Friendship’ Between Child & Unrelated Adult (Human): X

Evil Corporate Enemy: Check

Original Song: X

Bully Comeuppance: X (although the former all-star does get schooled by the female team members)

Small Town Values: Check (the town might as well be called Buddyville)

Back To Nature Moral: X

Overall Score: 2/10. A surprisingly low score for a film that's so clearly churned out with a franchise formula

A-Paws Meter

Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch is one of the ADHS genre's better offerings, which makes it, let's face it, a little less fun. If you have kids and need to keep them busy for 90 minutes while you finish that wine, then this is the perfect distraction because you won't have to worry about them wanting a pet chimpanzee to have burping contests with. If you're looking for something to watch with irony, look elsewhere. But hey, if you really just need to stare at cute golden retrievers wearing baseball hats and carrying Louisville Sluggers in their adorable jaws, then here you go. 

I look out for all types.

I say chilly, you say FROZEN

There are a few things in life I've vowed to simply never do, both for personal morality and plain intelligence. They include, but are not limited to the following:

-Go to a tanning salon

-Eat dog (I had the opportunity; I passed)

-Attempt skiing

Believe it or not, despite my hobbit-esque physique, I'm actually somewhat athletic, especially if the sport is softball or badminton (I'm serious). That being said, I'm also, without question, the clumsiest woman born in the 1980s. I know, EVERYBODY says that, but anyone who has actually had the pleasure of walking down the street with me only to at some point wonder where I went (i.e., the ground) knows this is true. For further proof, I submit my following experience:


-In the fourth grade, I plummeted off the balance beam and encumbered a giant apple-sized bump on my forehead, much to the amusement by fellow classmates

-I tripped up the stairs on a school trip to the Constitutional Hall in Philadelphia, comforting my embarrassment with the thought that maybe the same thing happened to Thomas Jefferson

-I've slipped on a banana peel. It wasn't funny. Okay, it probably was for others but shut up.
 
 


-I once stepped on a pitchfork lurking in the grass and had it me in the hat (thank goodness for aforementioned softball tendencies)

For these reasons plus 28 years of more, I shall never ski.

But that really has very little to do with Adam Green's 2010 winter-set film, Frozen, now doesn't it? I just wanted to be honest about where I was coming from as a person.

Quick Plot: Three college kids head to the mountains for a day of skiing and snowboarding. Dan and Lynch have been pals since the first grade, but Dan's girlfriend Parker is new to the group and, as we learn to Lynch's distaste, skiing in general. After a day of montage-y fun on the bunny hills, the trio decides to take one last trek down the real mountains at night. 

Oh kids, haven't you read the synopsis of this film?

Due to a series of believable misunderstandings surrounding closing time, the ski lift stops right as our leads have reached the middle of the ride. Alone. And cold.

Oh, and it's Sunday night, meaning nobody is due back to the lodge for another five days. Suddenly midterms ain't looking too shabby, are they coeds?

I won't go into any more synopsizing of Frozen for fear of spoilers, although in truth, there aren't too many huge surprises. This isn't necessarily a criticism; if anything, Frozen unfolds in believable style, as our not-overly-bright but still likable heroes have to work with what anyone in that situation would: freezing cold, darkness, internal disputes, heights, and of course, lack of a cell phone (c'mon skeptical viewer: you know that any participation in a horror movie negates your power to ever make a call while in a dangerous situation). Much like The Ruins, Frozen is more about how these individuals handle an awful and deadly situation than what necessarily happens to them. Call it survivalist horror, if you will. It doesn't quite pack the joy of killer klowns or demonic possessions, but when done correctly, that's a-ok.

High Points

Hell yes you will earn points with this audience member by citing the Sarlacc Pit as the worst possible death ever

Credit certainly goes to Kevin Zegers, Emma Bell, and Shawn Ashmore for holding our attention and sympathies, something aided immensely by Green's funny and realistic dialogue

Low Points

As great as the idea behind Frozen is, there's something about it that never quite amplifies past a certain point. By the last act, we're more curious than concerned as to what the fate of the characters will be. I'm not sure if this is a matter of story, character, or, quite possibly, my own personal taste

Lessons Learned

Always give a friend a spare key, particularly if you have a dog

You can never wear too many layers

Though awful and impossible, mastering pull-ups in gym class is an incredibly useful life skill that should not be avoided in your elementary days

Rent/Bury/Buy

Frozen is a great idea for a horror film, and Adam Green (Hatchet) executes it with skill. Though the film never quite ascends past its setup to give us anything truly terrifying, it's an easy recommend and like most of Green's films, a loaded DVD to own. I had a tense and fun time watching it, but personally, I can't really see revisiting it with the same relish as something like Hatchet. It's a different type of film with a lower rewatchability factor (for me). But hey, it's still something good, original, and supportive of my stance on death sports as dumb, so high fives all around.