Take Five

 

I don't really consider myself a completist, but there are some pockets of pop culture that feel wrong not to master. 

Case in point: a seemingly endless horror franchise centered on murderous children.

This is my bread and butter! Or more appropriately, this is my butter-slathered corn!

I have a deep affection for 1984's Children of the Corn, a film I grew up watching far too often. Every member of my family has, at one point in time, randomly deepened their voice to moan, "Malachaiiiiiiii". It's just what you did in the Intravia household.

We rented the first sequel as soon as it came to our local video store. Some decades ago, I tried to continue on and did manage to watch parts III (the city one with Charlize Theron) and IV (the dull one with Naomi Watts) and eventually got back on track with the late aughts remake and must-remake-quickly-to-retain-rights sequels. I rather enjoyed the most recent, fairly dumb one. And with the smell of fall in the air and my 4-on-1 Blu Ray on my shelf, I figured it was time to dive into the installments I missed.

Quick Plot: A young boy named Ezekiel is alone in the cornfields when he stumbles on some kind of entity that Care Bear stares some kind of green laser at his body. One year later, a couple is bemoaning their disappointing crops when Ezekiel comes to visit, laser levitating the man and summoning his friends to murder the woman with sharp farm tools. Welcome to Gatlin!

The next day (maybe? what is time?), a horrid college age couple are driving through town when they stop to get hacked to death by the same kids. Their four friends are a few miles behind and crash into some corn, derailing their ill-defined plans to scatter their late pal's ashes. 

The group swings by a bar manned by stunt coordinator Kane Hodder. Allison is shaken when she learns that the children one town over are under the sway of cult leader Luke, who preaches the word of He Who Walks Behind the Rows. That's the same entity Allison's younger brother Jacob ran away from home to follow, and feeling guilty for abandoning him to their abusive alcoholic father, she decides to track him down.

Things go as well as you'd expect for a quartet of young people stranded in a rural town where children murder trespassers and sacrifice themselves to an eternal flame burning in a silo. 

Allison reunited with Jacob, discovering that he's about to be both a father and human sacrifice. Depressed friend Kir (played by the camera-ready Eva Mendez in her film debut) finds herself drawn to the peace of the kids' religion while Tyrus and Greg (Alexis Arquette!) try to help Allison save her brother. Sheriff Fred Williamson is of little help.

Well, he does achieve some kind of gruesome brain melding with cult leader Luke, but it ends in both of their faces being melted off, so draw?

As you probably can guess by the fact that this is the fifth installment and third straight-to-video Children of the Corn, Fields of Terror is not a particularly good movie. But remember folks, we're in a different realm here, and standards must instead be held to whether this is a good Children of the Corn direct-to-video sequel.

Good? What is good? Who can say. 

Fun? Did I have fun? Yes damnit, I did. 

The soap operatic soundtrack anytime a character got thoughtful. The way children narrowing their eyes was all you need to establish their homicidal nature. Wondering if seeing David Carradine sitting in a chair, delivering some word salad testament is what made Quentin Tarantino say, "that's my (Kill) Bill!" Director Ethan Wiley probably made a better movie with House II: The Second Story, but you know what? This is the film of his that I'll watch again.

High Points

It was a nice "that makes sense" moment to see Kane Hodder's name pop up in the credits as Stunt Coordinator, since a lot of the actual violence and horror elements work decently for, you know, the third straight-to-video installment of a never-great franchise

Low Points

Most of the Children of the Corn movies live and die on the creepiness of their primary young villain. Think of the strange unearthliness of John Franklin's Isaac or the soulless eyes of Courtney Gains' Malachi. Unfortunately, young Adam Wiley just doesn't have the evil spark you want here. Could I buy him as the kind of kid who would tuck his chewing gum under a desk or place a whoopie cushion on his teacher's chair? Sure. Do I believe he could lead a cult of homicidal minors? Sadly not.

Lessons Learned

Don't get your hopes up: you won't find a 7/11 at the end of the world

The definition of "a couple of beers" can mean half of one

Before you leave your grandchild in the arms of his new adopted mother, maybe make sure she knows how to support his infant head?

Rent/Bury/Buy

Should one invest any effort in securing and watching Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror? No, I'm not cruel enough to suggest such things. But if one happened to buy a four-pack Blu Ray that has this one on it, and 90 minutes to kill whilst laying out this week's grocery list and catching up on crossword puzzles, then yes, this here is certainly a decent way to pass more time.

Maximum Overlight

I'm slowly learning that the Amityville franchise has a lot to offer. While for so long, I found the original film an overrated bit of haunted house drama better served by the less-discussed Burnt Offerings, my out-of-order trek through the sequels is proving to be a delight. And much thanks to the fabulous Gaylords of Darkness podcast for turning my eyes to the KILLER LAMP installment, now streaming on Amazon. 

Quick Plot: The Amityville house is almost clean, but needs a final priest gang  invasion to finish the job. Young Father Kibbler, fairly new to the job, gets bedroom duty where he sees an evil spirit, um, travel from the wall outlet through the cord of an incredibly designed floor lamp, become a Great and Powerful Oz-like bulb face, and cause a power surge that sends the priest into shock.

THIS, folks, THIS is why I love the horror genre.

Despite the injury, the priest team is convinced they've cleared the home of any evil, which is enough for the realtors to throw a yard sale to clear out whatever belongings the Lutzes left behind. A pair of sassy seniors stop by and like any sane Long Islander, spot this thing on sale for $100 (in 1988 money) and know a great deal.

THIS THING:

Helen decides to send it westward to her sister Alice as a birthday gag, but not before she slices her finger on the brass finishing and ends up confined to a hospital, her bed surrounded by hazmat plastic because Amityville tetanus is no joke.

Back in California, Alice is grumpily being visited by her newly widowed daughter Nancy (Patty Duke!) and three grandkids: nice enough teen daughter Amanda, animal-loving adolescent Brian, and creepy weirdo Jessica.

A wealthy dame who clearly prefers the company of her household pets and housekeeper, Alice isn't thrilled with Nancy's stay or life decisions, and the immediate onslaught of dead animals, power outages, polluted tap water, oil spills, manic chainsaws destroying her root cellar, and dreaded food dispenser attacks certainly points to this family visit being bad news.

Amanda and Brian are rather heartbroken that their grandmother seems to blame them for what's clearly something supernatural, and eventually, as Father Kibbler recovers to make his own trek to the new haunted house, even Alice has to agree that Amityville's curse has gone bicoastal.

Amityville: The Evil Escapes was technically a made-for-TV thriller, and while some of its timed-for-commercial beats are noticeable, it feels as wonderfully bonkers as the slightly more R-rated It's About Time. Writer/director Sandor Stern was a small screen veteran, though many horror films will know him better from the delightfully weird and absurdly Canadian Pin. Here, he dives into a well-known property with a whole lot of energy.

Lest you forget, THIS MOVIE IS ABOUT A HAUNTED FLOOR LAMP. A garish, rather ugly floor lamp that sort of looks like Jack Skellington's great Italian uncle from Long Island (as an Italian from Long Island, I am indeed allowed to say such things).

The lamp, or evil that escaped Nassau County via the lamp, can possess such items as toaster ovens, chainsaws, windows, and repair vans. It BLOWS UP when hurled down a mountain. It is everything I've ever wanted to be and more. The only way it could have been better had been if instead of the admittedly FABULOUS floor lamp star, there had been a different casting decision wherein Stern went with this admittedly smaller table lamp Helen spots first at the estate sale:

CAN YOU IMAGINE THE MOVIE WE COULD HAVE HAD???

High Points
More often than not, the "little brother" in cinema is an insufferable brat who exists solely to torment his sisters. What a lovely delight that Brian (Aron Eisenberg) is actually the film's most pleasant character, a supportive son who absolutely loves animals and is genuinely devastated that a) they keep turning up dead and b) he's the prime suspect. This is a sensitive kid, and it's rare to see that handled so matter of factly in the genre

Low Points

Look, this is essentially a perfect movie and gave me everything I could ever want right down to the final feline-centric shot. My only beef? We never get the followup. HOW CAN YOU LEAVE ME HANGING WITH THE UNFULFILLED PROMISE OF A HAUNTED CAT????

Lessons Learned
At a certain age, fun is the most important thing

At a certain age, a disgusting purple mummy finger isn't the worst thing

At a certain age, a disgusting purple mummy finger will prove to be fatal

The Winning Line

"Show me where the basement is!"

Has the answer ever not been "downstairs???"

Rent/Bury/Buy 

Obviously, Amityville: The Evil Escapes is a helluva good time. Have a go. Now. 

When It's All There, Right In the Title...

Despite my Long Island heritage, the Amityville Horror franchise is a pretty large blind spot in my genre fandom, so when one of its many, many entries popped up on Shudder with one of the best/dumbest subtitles I've ever seen, how could I not give it a go?

IT'S ABOUT TIME!

Quick Plot: Architect Jake returns home after a business trip to New York--well, a little east of New York, that is--bringing with him an antique clock that he thinks his teenage kids will adore. 

Cause, you know, if there's one thing teenagers in any decade dig, it's antique clocks. 

Good girl Lisa and bad boy Rusty have been under the care of Andrea, Jake's all-too-generous ex-girlfriend who can't seem to shake her old relationship off.

They are not overly impressed by the clock. 

Jake, on the other hand, quickly falls under its spell (because obviously, it's evil). After being attacked by the usually friendly German Shepherd next door (in a delightfully The Beyond-like sequence), Jake is injured enough that poor saintly Andrea moves back in to help, just in time for her ex to begin displaying some werewolf-ish aggression.

Meanwhile, daughter Lisa's haunting takes on a different manifestation: horniness. 

Only Andrea and Rusty seem to be immune to the clock's possessing spirit, and both enlist the help of those closest to them to solve the mystery. For Andrea, that means her current squeeze, a pretentious psychiatrist just begging for a vicious death. For Rusty, it's his best friend: the eccentric old lady next door who always has a chess set ready for when he wants to cut class and...play chess with the eccentric old lady next door.

As Jake gets angrier and Lisa hornier, the clock's evil intensifies. 

It's pretty sweet.

Directed by Hellraiser 2 and Ticks' Tony Randel, Amitvyille 1992: It's About Time is exactly as much fun as its silly title implies. There are wacky, creative genre sequences laced with an odd sense of humor. A pre-Final Destination-ish drawn-out near death experience involving an ice cream truck, a mirror possession, toy train set seduction that turns into a body melt. It's a weird thing to enjoy, but you also kind of have to appreciate that it flirts with some sibling seduction, clearly an homage to The Amityville Horror II: Possession. 

I can't speak to how It's About Time measures up against the rest of the rarely universally loved Amityville series, but by golly, it sure is fun on its own. You might even say ...

High Points

The Sterling's house is so wonderfully late '80s awful that it genuinely makes the whole film pop

I do not have the ability to express how happy the film's final line made me, mostly because it's a feeling that might be bigger than anything else I've experienced in my entire 38 years of life

Low Points

As is true of many an early '90s horror film, there's a sort of lack of commitment to a full out spooky or comedic tone. While it works out when you watch it 30 years later, I do wonder what the real intention was meant to be

Lessons Learned

Unleashed architects are one of the more dangerous sorts to be haunted

Life is like a Skullcrusher song

Ice cream truck drivers can radio in emergencies

Rent/Bury/Buy

Sit yourself down and watch this weird little movie. I know what you like. 

And in case you forgot...

What a Big Camera You Have

They made a sequel to Creep! It's a full one minute longer than the first film's brief 77 minute running time. It damn well better earn those 60 seconds. 

Quick Plot: Now calling himself Aaron (the name of his most recent victim), the man we met in Creep as Josef is continuing his odd hobby of befriending lonely people, getting under their skin, and murdering them without warning. The shame is that his heart just isn't in it anymore.

A few hours away, a struggling filmmaker named Sara is feeling down that her documentary web series "Encounters" is tanking in the youtube views. When she sees "Aaron's" Craig's List ad seeking a filmmaker ("fans of Interview With a Vampire a plus"), she decides it's just weird enough to make for the subject of her series finale. 

Of course, Sara has no idea that Aaron is a serial killer, and even after he confesses, she has no real reason to believe him. To Sara, this visit is the chance to finally explore something deep with her camera. Sure, Aaron is testing every boundary and clearly playing his own version of two lies and a truth with every statement that comes out of his mouth, but it's naturally just a tad too late before the reality really kicks in. 

Like Creep, Creep 2 is directed by Patrick Brice and written by Brice and star Mark Duplass. I enjoyed that film well enough, but found the unbalanced nature of pairing such a fascinating presence like Duplass with his bland target (played by Brice himself) a letdown. Creep 2 wisely improves upon this, using the same basic setup but putting Aaron/Josef's chronicler and possible victim on a much more even playing field. 

Played by Desiree Akhavan, Sara has a very specific confidence that allows her to challenge Aaron. With nearly two decades of post-Blair Witch film crews investigating subjects that will doom them in our public conscious, it's not easy to make a found footage horror film about an ambitious young director without leaving your audience sensing deja vu. Thankfully, Sara manages to feel fresh. Akhavan has a brave (if not always bright) energy totally fitting to a an experimental, fresh-out-of-film school documentarian, and her interaction with Aaron goes in a variety of directions you don't quite see coming.

It's a shame then, that Creep 2 has such a poorly executed ending. I won't spoil anything here, and the news that Creep 3 has been greenlit certainly takes some of the frustration out of my initial viewing. But dangit: Creep 2 goes so well for so long, then tosses in an incredibly rushed coda that just doesn't seem to line up with the story we've been watching.

High Points

By golly, is there a more engaging onscreen presence than Mark Duplass? It's also such a treat to see him get to play off such an interestingly drawn character as Akhavan's Sara (and as said earlier, such a gigantic step forward from the first film's costar)

Low Points

DAT ENDING

Lessons Learned

Death by blender should never be ruled out for execution

Perhaps documenting your fail-safe escape plan isn't the best way to keep a fail-safe escape plan secret

Wolf masks offer just enough peripheral vision clearance for safe country road driving

Rent/Bury/Buy

Creep 2 is a Blumhouse production that goes straight to Netflix, and like its predecessor, it makes perfect sense as a breezy streaming view. Mark Duplass continues to make incredibly weird (in the best of ways) choices, and watching him tap into whatever pleasantly unsettling darkness is within his Aaron is always a strange pleasure. Give it a go.