Ron Perlman Saves Your Soul

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from both Days of Our Lives and Children of the Corn(s), it’s that no filmmaker should ever, ever never ever, and did I mention never? expect that the computer generated deep demon voice is effective at doing anything other than making an audience giggle like schoolgirls.

Catholic schoolgirls, in fact...

Quick Plot: A pious and pretty nun-watched student sketches cartoons based on Revelations, only to then be sucked up by a demon as priest Ron Perlman (!!!) looks on helplessly. 

I don’t know about you, but you can bet your SAMCRO leather jacket that I’m not putting my faith in a church headed by Hellboy.

Flash forward some years to the present day, where a batch of bad girl teens with fabulous hair are sent to the now empty boarding school. What kind of parents would send their children to an academy with a sordid history of lost students and, more importantly, two faculty members and FOUR OTHER STUDENTS is its own question, but eh, here we are so let’s make the best of it.

Amongst the ‘delinquents’ are Alex, a telekinetic blond, Mara, a sassy lesbian who keeps doing cute things like pretending she might rape you, Cecilia, a blind anarchist with a nose ring, Lea, an overly nice girl who sleeps in ugly pajamas, and Connie, an airhead Wiccan. After a few rounds of pseudo-threatening behavior, the girls discover they all have unique supernatural powers (healing, ESP, shiny hair) which should come in handy as the abandoned school is clearly harnessing some angsty mojo leftover by Father Hellboy’s favorite disappeared student.

5ive Girls is an odd little movie, one that could play to an older or younger audience if it knew itself better. With a primarily teenage cast and a hearty dose of CW-ready music, the film could easily have been marketed a to teenage girls a la The Craft. On the other side, a few more strokes of maturity (you already have attractive young lesbians in schoolgirl uniforms) and you have a sleazy something for adult viewers. But for whatever reason, 5ive Girls doesn’t play either hand with any commitment. 

Tamest sapphic smooch since Britney & Madonna

In a similar vein to Lucky McKee’s okay, not great The Woods, 5ive Girls just sort of moseys along with moments of interest and more moments of eye rolls. The young cast does its best, but none really elevate any of the material to anything Gossip Girl couldn’t do better. Worst of all is the total waste of Ron Perlman in the role of a conflicted? maybe? sort of? or just not? priest. The story itself is simple but fine (something about possession, sacrifice, witchcraft, and deep-voiced demons) but sadly music video director Warren P. Sonoda never seems fully aware of who’s watching.

High Points

I won’t spoil anything, but the ending was far darker than I expected to find in what could almost have been a lightweight PG13 rated horror film

Low Points

Hopefully, the world will one day look back upon the early twentieth century and say “Whatever was our ancestors thinking to believe titling films with numbers that kind of look like letters made any sense?” Seriously, if this trend of ScreFourem and Fiveive Girls catches on, I may need to seek solace on Mars

Lessons Learned

There’s a huge difference between a witch, bitch, head mistress and anarchist

A great way to distract a priest is to ask him about Latin verb conjugation

Bitches always keep their mothers’ maiden names

Credits Curiosity

The opening credits feature Ron Perlman reading scripture in an odd rhythm as a techno beat mixes it up as to sound like a rap. I don’t know what they were going for, but let’s call it awesome

Rent/Bury/Buy

5ive Girls isn’t awful, but its audiences aren’t me...mostly because they’re either 13 year old girls looking for something to program at a slumber party or older gents who get a kick out of girls in knee socks and collared shirts. Sadly for both demographics, the film doesn’t really care to fully please either audience, but there’s still some odd fun to be found in watching Ron Perlman explain Latin grammar or the continuously not good actress from Diary of the Dead summoning Legion himself to possess a bunch of cute twentysomethings playing fifteen year old girls. It’s a mediocre Instant Watch, and one that’s fitting when you’re in the mood for a female-centered boarding school movie that’s a little less good than The Woods.

Lucky Dearest

I've made no secrets about my enthusiasm for the work of Jack Ketchum and likewise, my frustrations with the general off-target film adaptations of his work. While I think both The Lost and The Girl Next Door have merit, there seems to exist some wall between cinema fully capturing what makes Ketchum such a powerfully horrifying writer. After the lackluster Offspring, I didn't expect much to come from his savage clan series but when a filmmaker as unique as Lucky McKee steps up, I take notice.

The Woman, a pseudo-sequel to 2009's Offspring, is now slowly making its way to randomly placed theaters and film festivals. It's a powerful film, one bravely oozing in the ugly examination of sexual violence, domestic abuse, misogyny, enslavement, and power washing. Naturally, such accusations make it prime grade meat for the Girls On Film to tackle, bibs in place and homemade sauce ready to go. Our discussion is quite spoilery, so you may want to save it until The Woman grunts her way to your television. The episode is waiting on iTunes or at over yonder.

On a more fashionable note, my GleeKast cohostess Erica and I recently sat down with The Podcast Podcast/Spread TB’s Fozziebare and his future husband George to watch an amazing little slice of cinema you might know as Mommie Dearest. Loyal readers wil know that I have a special relationship with this film...

And so it was more than a pleasure to share a viewing with others. You can download the commentary at iTunes or stream over here. We tell you when to press play, so listen along in your best red carpet ready gowns and remember to hang them up properly when finished.