Melts In Your Mouth, Not On Mars

Sometimes it’s hard to decide if a film is worth writing about here on this blog. Sometimes I’ll rent a Very Long Wait, seemingly Doll’s House-ready DVD from Netflix with my notepad ready and waiting only to realize I have nothing to say and even less to remember about it ten minutes after the credits roll. On other days, I’ll queue up an action adventure movie with no pretense of blogging only to discover that includes Tim Curry hamming up a bizarre Eastern European accent, copious lasers, gorillas drinking martinis, and pretty much everything else that someone like me treasures in cinema.

I decided long ago that horror is a subjective term on these fronts (I didn’t do a month of Animals Doing Human Stuff for nothing you know) and don’t always require that genre classification for coverage. This leads us to today’s hard-to-finger flick, 2000’s Mission to Mars. Knowing it was directed (quite oddly) by Brian De Palma gave me some inkling that I might get some mileage. Realizing it was a Disney release put that into doubt. Seeing, within 20 minutes, a character caught in a windstorm, twisted like a rung out dishcloth and de-limbed and decapitated in the process made me think, “Oh! It’s dark stuff!”

Then discovering it got a PG rating made me question almost everything.

Quick Plot: In the near future of 2020, a bunch of astronauts have a barbecue to celebrate the imminent launch of the first manned mission to mars. More importantly, Jim McConnell (Gary Sinise) is sad to NOT go to Mars because his wife, who was named Maggie, got sick and died before Jim and his wife, who was named Maggie, could go to Mars, a place Maggie, Jim’s dead wife, really wanted to go to (her space helmet would have read “Maggie”).

Note that I tell you about Jim and his wife (named Maggie) because the movie makes a point of doing so about 9 times within the first 9 minutes of its running time.

Anyway, sad Maggie-less Jim stays behind while Luke (Don Cheadle) heads up with a bunch of Russians. Just as the team discovers a trace of water, a brutal Tatooine-ish sandstorm hits, knocking out a few crew members and brutally DE-LIMBING another one.

Just your standard Act I ending for any PG-rated family flick.

After sending out a muddled transmission, Luke loses communication with earth, prompting a rescue mission manned by Jim (but not his dead wife Maggie), Woody (Tim Robbins, with the ominous “...And Tim Robbins credit), Woody’s wife Terri (Connie Nielsen), and Phil (Jerry “I’ll Always Be Vern” O’Connell). A rupture almost kills the crew, but some fast thinking by Jim (widower of Maggie) and a packet of prominently labeled Dr Pepper saves the day. Later, more mechanical trouble leads to a heavy Gravity-esque conclusion. Clearly, this ship didn’t pack enough soft drinks.

They did, thankfully, pack a whole lot of M&Ms. M&Ms are almost as important in this movie as Jim’s dead wife Maggie and her presumed favorite cola, Dr Pepper. 

I’m being rather hard on Mission To Mars and its rather odd product placement, but the fact that these items drew so much attention to themselves was simply too much not to note. One must wonder if the people at the M&Ms headquarters felt like this was their big chance to right the wrong of E.T.’s infamous Reese’s Pieces glory.

Anyway, back to the film at hand, I...have no real idea what to say. The script’s multiple writing credits is hardly surprising, since Mission To Mars jumps from tone to tone like an energetic kid who’s had too much soda and candy (well, specifically, Dr Pepper and original M&Ms). We go from earnest astronaut drama to heady sci-fi to body-ripping horror to Close Encounters whimsy. It’s rather dizzying.

Mission To Mars is not a cheap film. While some of its CGI heavy effects have aged tragically, the basic landscape of Mars looks fantastic. The cast is littered with Oscar nominated talent. The score is (maybe over-)composed by the legendary Ennio Morricone. And yet I have no idea what it adds up to.

I mentioned Close Encounters of the Third Kind earlier because that’s easily the closest companion piece I can think of. Both films have to balance the dark possibilities of the expanded universe with a more gentle perspective of embracing other life forms. Mission To Mars, unfortunately, just doesn’t feel like it earns its ending because the path to it has gone in so many directions. It’s an odd one. 

High Points

Well, there are a lot of GOOD things about this film. Great cast who can sell the occasionally terrible dialog (DID I MENTION THAT MY WIFE MAGGIE IS DEAD AND SHE WAS AN ASTRONAUT AND HER NAME WAS MAGGIE BUT SHE’S DEAD NOW?). Beautiful art direction. Believable sounding science...

Low Points

But, well, aside from not knowing who should be watching it, the film is also occasionally quite dull

Lessons Learned

In the future, young lotharios will dress like Danny Zuko

Some couples dance, but the cooler ones go to Mars

Evolution began with alligators, which turned into dinosaurs, which turned into wooly mammoths, which turned into buffalo

Nothing is impossible when you're millions of miles from earth in a giant face

Rent/Bury/Buy

I was curious to see how someone with Brian De Palma’s sensibilities would handle the bigger material of Mission To Mars. The answer is ultimately kind of blah. There are definitely sparks of intrigue in the film, but it’s ultimately more interesting to see what doesn’t work than what does. De Palma fans will enjoy spotting a few trademarks (including a long opening tracking shot) and space-centric sci-fi fans will appreciate a lot of the film’s touches, but the final product is a rather messy thing.

It's Coming, & It's Really Wicked

Jack Clayton's The Innocents might well be one of cinema's most overlooked and outstanding ghost stories put to screen. It's quiet and subtle, but also wonderfully creepy and deceptively disturbing. It would make perfect sense then for Clayton to return to the genre he so excelled in, especially if being paired with novelist Ray Bradbury.

It would make sense, right? Now let's toss in the name "Walt Disney" and see logic ride a train out of town.

Quick Plot: In the scenic Illinois hamlet of Greentown, young Will and Jim are about to settle into a typically quiet October when, as the title hints, something wicked does indeed come.

This particular breed of evil arrives in the form of an unseasonal carnival, run by a steely eyed and magnificently creepy Jonathon Pryce as the not at all ominously named Mr. Dark. At first, the boys and their fellow townspeople are happy to ride a ferris wheel before the nips of November set in, but when a few unhappy locals disappear (and none too coincidentally, the carnival's staff seems to double) Will, Jim, and Will's self-doubting father Charles (played by a supremely wonderful Jason Robards) are forced to confront the unseemly fact that Mr. Dark's circus is not operating on the good side of morality.

Produced by Disney Studios and based on a Bradbury novel (which he himself adapted here), Something Wicked This Way comes is one of those 'children's' films of the '80s that is anything but. Though it is primarily seen through the young eyes of Will, this is a dark story, one that walks a slippery tightrope between nostalgia, mortality, and all-out fear. While it wears the scars of studio interference, confused rewrites, and a messy ending, it's also the kind of oddity that I found truly special.

The basis rolls off Bradbury's page as he smoothly translates his language to the screen. The opening narration--an apparent post-process addition--introduces us to a sleepy town and its quirky residents with careful skill. I imagine that the novel went into rich detail about the plainness of a schoolteacher spinster, but the screenwriter in Bradbury is smart enough to know that saying "You would never believe it, but she was once the most beautiful woman in town" is more than sufficient to tell us what we need to know. Though the younger actors aren't necessarily the most skilled at delivering some of the dialogue, for the most part, Bradbury's script has a strong ear that gives good actors an audio feast. When the stage-trained Pryce launches into maniacally evil poetry to seduce his latest victim or the rock solid Robards waxes on about the time he failed his son, Something Wicked This Way Comes hits its true stride. Much like the criminally underrated The Exorcist III, this is a film written by a novelist who understands how his words play on the camera and makes the most out of them.

That is not to say that Something Wicked This Comes isn't something of a mess. Certain scare sequences feel a tad forced in terms of story, even if it does give us the kind of tarantula mob scene fit for nightmares. The ending, whatever it is, doesn't make a lick of sense that I can taste. Robards reads some local mythology about how an evil carnival comes to town in October every couple of decades only to leave with the next big storm, but that still never provides any logical explanation of a) why Greentown b) why now c) what Mr. Dark's endgame is or most importantly, d) what the heck a storm has to do with it. It's clear from some library journals that a storm always marks the carnival's disappearance, but that doesn't make the surprisingly gruesome finale mean anything in terms of stakes, if it was bound to happen anyway. Also of note, and this is a MAJOR SPOILER

Do we ever learn what became of the few unlucky citizens to buy into the devil's promises? I imagined that the Disney portion of this film would show itself in a sugary coda, but instead, we just get a happy father/son moment. No word on the barber-turned-bearded lady, the youthful but blind teacher, the fully limbed former amputee or the greedy cigar shop owner. I wouldn't have a problem knowing that they DIDN'T join in the happy ending, but it's frustrating not to know.

SPOILERS OVER

All this aside, I found Something Wicked This Way Comes exceedingly fun in a youthfully macabre manner. This is a twisted little movie that seems primed to poke its intended young audience right where they're vulnerable, be that the threat of giant spiders or the fear of losing your parents. It doesn't work as seamlessly as it could, but when it does, it does so with committed and cruel energy that makes it hard to look away.

Oh, and in case  you were wondering why this title appears during February's Attack of the Shorties, allow me to demonstrate with Exhibit A, a little person clown parade!

And more notably, Exhibit B, wherein Dark's business associate is transformed (via magical carousel, natch) into a pre-Problem Child problem child, right down to the ginger 'do and bowtie

High Notes
Jason Robards brings such brilliant weight to his character, a 50something year old librarian with heart problems and a constant sense of inadequacy stemming from his age in relation to fatherhood. Charles Holloway is a fascinating and wonderfully written man in the hands of Bradbury, and Robards adds such solid presence and skill that it almost hurts

Similarly, few actors could deliver threats like "we butter our bread with delicious pain" with the same seductive musicality as Jonathon Pryce

Low Notes
The not so grand, yet very confusing finale

Middle Note
James Horner's busy musical score (an apparent post-production change that Clayton was displeased with) is extremely conspicuous and occasionally distracting, but it's also a very clear product of its time (see the similarly toned Lady In White for support). I kind of love its blaring enthusiasm, but I can see how it might break the mood for some viewers

Stray Note
The Ewok Movie 2: Caravan of Courage fan in me finds it near impossible to not write the title of this film as Something Wicket This Way Comes

Lessons Learned
With heart problems, limit nightly activities to one drink and one cigar

Pillows make for surprisingly effective tarantula fighting weapons

Some folks draw lightning to them as a cat sucks in a baby's breath

Lessons Cribbed By An Actor From Another Movie
If Jim Nightshade looked familiar, it may have been because you recognized him from the very different (or maybe not different at all) slasher The Funhouse, where young Shawn Carson played the final girl's younger brother. In that Tobe Hooper film, Carson watches big sis hide out in a dark ride in order to stay inside after closing hours...the very same plan he and Will use to catch some extra glimpses of Dark's Carnival. Looks like someone was taking notes

Look! It's...
Royal Dano, playing yet another old hillbilly kook encountering some nefarious electricity at a circus with bad intentions

And hold the phone Foxy: Pam Grier as the silent but bewitching assistant to Mr. Dark

Rent/Bury/Buy
I found Something Wicked This Way Comes to be a wonderfully unusual treat from a bygone era, but I also went into the film knowing nary a detail about it. With that in mind, random sights like Pam Grier in a wedding gown or Royal Dano getting the electric chair were bound to keep me shocked, while the genuinely strong stuff--Robards hefty performance, Pryce's lyrical villain, Bradbury's intricate language--kept me glued to the screen. The film does indeed have a lot of problems in terms of its tone and story, making it even more shameful that the DVD release is so bare bones. This is a film that begs for some behind the camera discussion or deleted scenes. Without those, this is a definite recommend for a rental. It's simply too strange to not see.

To the Litterbox, And Beyond! The Cat From Outer Space

When I think ‘children’s film produced by Disney Studios,’ these things generally do not pop into my mind:

Clearly I did not grow up watching The Cat From Outer Space.

Quick Plot: A mysterious aircraft lands behind the farm of a one-flap down overalls wearing old man and his dog, and while we all cross our fingers for a Killer Klowns prequel, we instead get the adorable entrance of a slim cat rocking a truly fabulous, super powerful (and most importantly, quite sparkly) collar.

He is, after all, The Cat From Outer Space.

The government relocates the now empty vessel to their supersecret facility, a lair so well-protected is has a chain link fence AND sole guard dog working security. Meanwhile, a gaggle of scientists is called in to explain to General Stilton (big cheese jokes galore) what a floating artichoke-shaped crystal found on board might be. 

Fluttery Sandy Duncan can’t figure it out, but she does recommend bringing in her neighbor/carpool buddy/potential love interest Dr. Wilson to unlock its secrets. Though he fails to impress the military, Wilson catches the cat’s eye of Zunar-J-5/9 Doric-4-7, the adorable feline he’ll nickname Jake as we discover he is indeed, THE CAT FROM OUTER SPACE.

As you might expect, Jake is all sorts of awesome. His super sparkly collar enables him to communicate telepathically, make humans fly, freeze moving things for 20 minute time blocks and most notably, rig any sporting event with incredible feats of cheating. 

See, in order to get back home to his mother planet (where life has evolved to the point it needed to, i.e., felinedom) Jake needs $120,000 worth in solid gold. Naturally, with a clock ticking and a handy gambling addict of a neighbor crashing on Wilson’s couch like Kramer with a drinking problem, Jake and his two-legged pal concoct the perfect crime—er, plan.

Right. It’s a kids film, so betting on multiple football games and telepathically altering the final score is a PLAN, not a crime.

Unfortunately, a visit from Mr. Ed’s loyal Wilbur (here playing a vet who also, whaddya know? seems to have a gambling problem) leaves Jake tranquilized, meaning our trio of heroic (and criminal) scientists must do as heroic scientists in a Disney kids film do:

Head down to the nearest pool hall serving as a front for the mafia and redirect their $1500 bet on a billiards hustle.

But first, let’s finish that beer

And cigar

Hey Sandy, got any crystal meth in that picnic basket?

Between billiards hustling and beer drinking, our heroes pause to face a few other trials, including a kidnapping scheme via a James Bond-like villain who presides over a squirmy Roddy McDowell in his batcave-ish lair bedecked with long-stemmed red roses. 

Bad. Ass.

All this culminates in what feels like a 9000 minute airplane action sequence where Bond Villain and Roddy McDowell kidnap Sandy Duncan and her Persian Lucy (whom Jake has been seriously hitting on and probably, in a deleted scene, already engaged in the kind of sex scene that would make Sasha Grey blush) as Jake telepathically flies a beaten up old plane with Wilson on board. 

All ends well, though countless bouts of innocence have been destroyed in the process.

Much like the raging alcoholic Darby O’Gill and the Little People, The Cat From Outer Space is oozing with the kinds of subplots that would be deemed wildly inappropriate for a PG rated film made today. There’s booze, smoking, gambling, cheating, kidnapping, and organized crime galore and the film is all the more charming for it. The only real shame is that the fairly bare bones DVD doesn’t include deleted scenes, which surely must have featured an orgy.

A terrifyingly easy Google image search

High Points

You have to wonder if Harry Morgan was given free reign to make General Stilton his own. Clearly the actor is having a ball, and it pays off for us

Low Points

Director Norman Tokar was clearly REALLY proud of the kind of technology that enabled him to film the climactic flight finale…for what feels like eternity

Considering the most impressive aspect of this film lies in the perfectly trained performance of its adorable lead, it’s quite a shame that the slinky feline playing the title character doesn’t get a screen credit

Lessons Learned

A hamster-powered coffee maker yields the kind of lukewarm cinematic cup of joe that can instantly be imbibed after production

1500 smackeroos generally calls for another beer

Extraterrestrial felines powered by telepathic collars are one way to fly, but really thick and visible wires are ultimately what seal the process

If the mark wants to go complete top city, he’s got a constitutional right

Look! It’s…

The Devil Times 5’s Sorrell Booke—or Boss Hogg if you want to be all common about it—as the judge that grants Jake American citizenship. Also of note: Michael J. Fox’s dad in Teen Wolf as General Stilton’s most antics-prone reporting officer

Standard Animals Doing Human Stuff Trope Checklist

New Kid In Town: Replace “Kid” with “Full-Grown Scientist” or “Cat From Outer Space” and you’ve got a deal

Recent Dead or Divorced Parent: X

Montage: X (because I’m guessing any attempt at one would violate all sorts of MPAA regulations)

New Friendship: Check

Potentially Inappropriate ‘Friendship’ Between Child & Unrelated Adult (Human): X. Once again, there is nary a character under the drinking--or smoking, or gambling--age

Evil Corporate Enemy: Check

Original Song: X

Bully Comeuppance: Check. Take THAT, U.S. Military!

Small Town Values: X

Back To Nature Moral: X. If anything, the comforts of Americana prove to be far superior to any joys found in outer space

Overall Score: 4/10 But there’s at least one six-pack of beer consumed, so I’m counting that as a bonus point to give us a perfect score

A-Paws Meter

The Cat From Outer Space was a VHS mainstay for many kids growing up in the ‘80s, and if that group includes you, then I highly recommend a revisit, if only to finally identify that point in your life where you delved into the underworld of gambling addiction and tobacco use. As much as I’ve joked about the adult keywords, The Cat From Outer Space is fairly harmless for the young crowd and could make for a great multigenerational viewing party. Just remember to tell the kids that gambling and cheating is not okay. Unless you’re being aided by a cat from outer space. Then the only thing that’s not okay is calling a veterinarian during game time.