Once Bit...

New vampire stories come with the same rules as those about zombies: if you're going to use a monster we've seen thousands of times, bring something new to it, whether that's fresh style or a deeply personal motivation. Thankfully Brad Michael Elmore's Bit does both.

Quick Plot: Loner Laurel (Nicole Maines) graduates her Oregon high school without much aim, deciding to spend her summer visiting big brother Mark in LA. On her first night out, she happily hooks up with Izzy, who ends the evening tearing out Laurel's throat. 

First dates are weird, ESPECIALLY in LA.

As you probably suspect, Izzy is a vampire. More importantly, Izzy is part of Duke's v-squad (name pending), a quintet of undead bloodsuckers whose primary rule is simple: never turn a man. You don't have to study much history to know what happens when the lesser sex gets more power. These girls are simply being responsible.

Laurel makes her vampiric transition official, saving Duke and the girls from a wannabe Van Helsing (with hints of Joe Rogan). Once she tastes human blood, she's converted, though she remains extremely uncomfortable with actual human murder. It doesn't prevent her from drifting away from the small core of people in her previous life: brother Mark, best friend Andy, and supportive, if overbearing parents. 

Naturally, Duke's grand intentions prove to be a little less pure than initially stated. There's a history, you see, with the former head vamp now separated from his own beating heart. As Laurel's two lives begin to mix, she finds herself making some pretty big decisions with bad consequences for both worlds.

Bit made some waves a few years ago when it debuted but somehow flew right over my head (like a....vampire floating over the city lights). It was well-reviewed, especially if you're considering the fact that it's a low budget lesbian vampire movie. But what apparently caught more attention was that it wasn't just a low budget lesbian vampire movie: it's a low budget vampire trans girl lesbian vampire movie.

I was unfamiliar with the wonderful Nicole Maines, but I guess many people who spend more time on the Gen-Z internet than I do would recognize her as an incredibly prolific trans rights activist who also has the distinction of playing the first (official?) transgender superhero via TV's Supergirl. 

We all experience stories on a very personal level, often looking to find that specific thing that speaks to us directly whether intended or not by the makers. As a cisgender heterosexual woman, I'll confess that I didn't see the trans element in Bit until it popped up in the IMDB description (I was about halfway through the film at that point). Before that, I was loving Bit as a fun and fresh young-feeling vampire story. And after, it just grew a little richer once I realized it had this whole extra level.

It's a fascinating watch experience, and for me, a reminder at just how many more stories there are to tell. 

High Points

There's a balancing act when crafting a protagonist who's kind of a jerk. We're fully rooting for Laurel, but Bit doesn't hide the fact that she also turns into a pretty crappy friend and sister when her vampirism starts redirecting her priorities. She's not a perfect heroine, but she's incredibly understandable, and more importantly, Laurel reluctantly sees exactly what she's doing. It's not the easiest journey to take a character in a horror movie on but Maines and Elmore do it wisely

Low Points

It's the teeniest of complaints, but at a certain point, the budgetary restrictions show themselves a bit in the fairly lackluster visuals and limited production design. Again, I'd far prefer the story and character development to cool vampire effects, but if I HAD to pull out a negative (and for now good reason but that I started using this format 13 years ago and don't like to break my own rules), here we are

Lessons Learned

People in LA are far less patronizing than those in Oregon

When driving to LA, always keep an eye on your levels

Remember: just because they're vampires doesn't mean they don't also have weapons

Rent/Bury/Buy

I was so thoroughly entertained and impressed by Bit. It's certainly exploring some interesting things (even if it took me a bit to catch on), but more importantly, it's FUN. Give it a go via Amazon Prime. 

Party Favor Mix Bag

As linking stories in a horror anthology go, "clicking on a website to watch short films" has got to be one of the lazier excuses to tie a few segments together. But hey, when one of those segments involves a kid from High School Musical trading in his trademark Justin Guarini perm for a homicidal clown afro, things can't be all bad.

Quick Plot, Web Video #1: In "The Crossing," a pair of crass white power infused rednecks truck it down to the border with a somewhat reluctant gal in tow. The plan? Empty the two Mexican-Americans in their trunk and do bad things, stopping along the way to make (what I assume to be) unrequested free advertising for Beef Links Jerkey, Cheetos, Marlboro cigarettes, Red Bull, and Smuckers Goobers, of which we learn an important trick for getting some extra flavor from moonshine.

Also, there are zombies.

Quick Plot, Web Video #2: Anthologies are generally tricky beasts to summarize, since their short running length almost forces you to say the usually obligatory twist just to crank out a full sentence. Normally, I'd refrain from doing such a thing, but since "Taejung's Lament" is such a dull and pointless yarn, I will SPOIL without too much regret: a sad widower wanders the Korean section of LA, saves a lady of the night from abuse, discovers she's a vampire, and Van Helsing shows up.

I'd like to say I'm kidding. 

I'd like to say nachos grow on trees and subway prices are going down.

I'd like to say a lot of things.

Quick Plot, Web Video #3:Told out of sequence for reasons clear to...someone maybe..., "Re-Membered" follows a hitman attempting to dispose of a few loose ends (I'm here all week! Try the Anne Veal!). It has a few laughs and an engaging performance from lead Christopher Darga, but for its brief running time, "Re-Membered" is surprisingly confusing.

Quick Plot, Web Video #4: Easily Scary or Die's MVP, "Clowned" tells the tale of Emmett, a casual drug dealer with a loyal devotion to his kid brother and the ill luck of being attacked by a rabid party performer. Before you can unsee that topless photo of Vanessa Hudgens, Emmett is turning a cakey shade of white, developing a serious case of Sideshow Bob shoe, and fighting a craving for the sweet taste of children's flesh. It's Metamorphosis with bigger noses, and surprisingly, incredibly enjoyable from its ominous opening to its final comic punch.

Quick Plot, Web Video #5: We're not kidding when we say quick. In 90% less time than it takes to be waiting in line at Marshall's, we learn the story of a young woman whose husband beat her to death, whereupon she remembered the skills of her witch doctor grandfather and came back from the grave for vengeance and to, well obviously, watch a bunch of videos on a website called ScaryOrDie.com. Frame!

The brainchild of Michael Emmanuel, Scary Or Die falls prey to the typical symptoms that plague anthology films: uneven tones and the token mixed bag of quality. Thankfully, its midsection is genuinely enjoyable, making the slog through the second story (and discomfort of the greasy first) worth it. While there are subtle tie-ins that try to duplicate the skillful interweavings in Trick 'r Treat, Scary Or Die never quite rises to being clever as a whole (especially when one actor shows up in a completely different role in a later segment).

Still, for a new horror anthology to hit Instant Watch and not make me hate the world (cough cough VHS), Scary Or Die is a fun collection well fit for a lazy afternoon.

High Points

There's a reason "Clowned" gets the box cover, and it's just because most people are just, you know, afraid of clowns. While the narration style makes it a little uneven, the blend of comedy ("I can't believe you got bit by a clown") and horror (an eerie dream sequence won't have you taking your little brother for picnics any time soon) is surprisingly well done. This could easily have been expanded into a full-length feature, and it's almost a shame that it's buried here.

As a fully supportive member of the Verbing Nouns Club, I embrace the titling of segment 4 as "Clowned"

Low Points

Was I supposed to laugh out loud at "Taejung's Lament"'s final shot? Also, was I supposed to hate the story?

Lessons Learned

Cheap razors are not the ideal tool for shaving off supernatural clown makeup

Being puked on by your dealer entitles you to one free transaction

When not munching on racists, zombies enjoy killing an hour or so by surfing alternative youtube sites

Rent/Bury/Buy

As a 90 minute Instant Watch, Scary Or Die is quite akin to a bag of Chex Mix. If you can separate and skip the lame circular pretzels (Taejung's Lament) and not pay too much attention to the square ones (The Crossing), there's some mild pleasure to be found in the actual Chex (Re-Membered) and genuine joy in those big 'n spicy bagel chip things (aka Clowned; I guess Lover's Walk is the air inside the bag in this metaphor). Those who like to complain about modern horror will probably find plenty to complain about, but if you're looking for something a little different from the usual slasher fare, this is more than worth a gander.

Swapping Scarecrows For Working Wax

I know I haven’t been celebrating the greatest month of all with the usual candy corn fueled fervor I keep in reserve, but times have been busy here in the actual Doll’s House. After apartment hunting with more gusto than Gary Busey bare handing it in Surviving the Game, I’ve since moved on to the act of packing with more reluctance than Paul Rudd cleaning up his breakfast tray in Wet Hot American Summer. Still to come: the part where my fella and I face the first real test of our relationship by battling for poster space, followed by my cats meeting/hopefully not killing their new stepsisters.

You might say I’ve been stressed.

But thankfully, there’s one semi-monthly tradition that always soothes the crazed soul: the Lightning Bugg Doll’s House Swaparoo! In honor of the glory of October, T.L. Bugg and I went the good old fashioned Instant Watch horror route. Over at his Lair, I assigned Zach one of those VHS staples of the ‘80s that always warmed my straw heart: 1988’s Scarecrows.

My assignment? That very same year’s cult horror comedy Waxwork.

It has a little person butler and everything!

Quick Plot: In a sunny college town, a group of spoiled university students stumble upon a ‘hey, how’d that get there overnight?’ wax museum called Waxwork run by none other than genre stalwart David Warner. This is awesome on its own, but get ready to pick up some messy pieces as I make your head explode:

He’s dressed as if he ransacked Willy Wonka’s closet.

As if that wasn’t enough, he also heads a satanic wax museum with the best security system of all time. See, if any of the wanderers dare to cross that oh-so-tempting velvet rope, he or she ends up transported to an alternate dimension where the scene of the waxy display is real. That would be fine if Waxwork focused on happy periods in history, like discovering the cure to polio or the day peanut butter met banana. 

Then again, when was the last time you entered a wax museum and didn’t leave with a nagging sense of the icks? They’re inherently creepy places. Even the purely historical one I visited in Virginia a few years back seemed designed to steal the souls of every patron.

The scenes on display inside Waxwork are more in line with horror fans than history hunters, with vampires, werewolves, mummies, and phantoms luring our snarky teens into grizzly fates. The wealthy brat Mark (played by Face of the 80s Zach Galligan) and hungry virgin Sarah make it through the night, but there’s still another day of battle to wage.

You know how there are some films that other people seem to adore, yet the one time you tried to watch it you just couldn’t keep your eyes on the screen? That was how I always felt about Waxwork, perhaps in part because its first big sequence involves werewolves. As I’ve said before, it’s a monster that just doesn’t do anything for me one way or another. While I can appreciate the metaphorical aspect of man’s darker side (or menstruation metaphor of a female’s redder one), I generally find the execution to be either dull or just plain silly looking.

Such was my initial experience with Waxwork a few months ago, when I sat down to what I had always assumed was an ‘80s horror movie about killer wax mannequins but is, whaddya know? actually a comedy more focused on throwback horror monsters. Writer/director Anthony Hickox (he of the decent Hellraiser III) is clearly having a ball with giving us classic movie villains with an ever so slight twist. It’s not many an ‘80s teen horror film that would feature a fencing duel between its unlikable antihero and a pirate-styled Marquis de Sade, but Waxwork seems intent on being something special.

I see that now.

High Points

There’s a character named China (played by Michelle Johnson) who responds quite smartly to her vampiric dilemma. In a period where even the bravest final girl usually ran through boxes of Kleanex before lucking into victory, it’s nice to see a female character (and one presented as the bitchy slut at that) use her wits when needed

Any final reel that involves wheelchair-bound old dudes battling zombies, vampires, axe-wielders and werewolves can’t be half bad!

Low Points

Due to my intense discomfort with wax figures, I would have liked to see Waxwork utilize that fear factor a little more, rather than focusing so much on some of its Universal tributes

Lessons Learned

Having drinks with the butler leads to anarchy

If you think of completely raw, possibly human meat as steak tartar, it goes down slightly easier

Dictators have the shouting voices and the small mustaches

Stray Confusion

John Rhys-Davies 

Jonathan Rhys Meyers:

Not the same person. One day, I'll understand that.

Rent/Bury/Buy

Now streaming on Instant Watch, Waxwork is good fun so long as you know that’s what you’re getting. I think my initial humbug reaction came from expectation: I wanted a waxy horror film and got an affectionate horror comedy. Thankfully, this time around I wanted a good time and Waxwork is busting with that. 

Thanks as always to my righteous recommender Zach. To see what that southern fried lightning bug thought of Scarecrows (an eerie little dark ride that I’ve always felt deserved more love) then grab some corn on the cob for the ride and head on over!

PukeFace, FartFace, & Abby Abs Do Boring Stuff: AKA, Twilight 3

Ah, love. Isn’t it a wonderful thing? Something worth living and dying for, right? People write poems and songs and sitcoms about it! You meet someone and brighten up every time that person enters a room or holds your hand. You smile just THINKING about him or her. Sure, you’re sad and occasionally achy when he or she is out of reach, but more than anything, that ache is powered by the thrill you know you’ll feel when you’re reunited. You LIKE being with this person that you have chosen, you treasure your time together because it’s the greatest feeling there is in this world.

My point in this post-Valentine’s Day linguistic cupcake is that love is a wonderful thing--nay, a many splendored thing, it lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love!

Right?

Actually, according to the Twilight universe, love is a horrible horrible situation filled with constant face squishing, broodiness, squinting, being really cold, not having sex, and putting a whole lot of people and/or supernatural beings in danger.

In other words, love stinks.

Several years ago, I vowed to never say a bad word about the Twilight series (saga? Nobody called Donna Martin’s journey from rich Beverly Hills virgin to married redhead a saga, hrumph hrumph) until I actually experienced it for myself. Loyal readers will know that on April 28, 2010, I did.

And now have full license to say EVERYTHING about them.

I had no plan on watching Twilight: Eclipse or Twilight 3 or The One Where Bella Keeps Complaining And Jacob Doesn’t Even Bother To Put On a Shirt To Rip Off. As much as I enjoyed mocking the first two, I also found them painfully dull film watching experiences. The worst part of taking the plunge into Eclipse was knowing that I’d have to see an inevitably awful film by a promising and exciting filmmaker. Hard Candy and 30 Days of Night weren’t cinematic game changers, but they were unique, challenging genre films that took risks. 

The Twilight series is risky...if you’re a feminist looking to pick a fight with 14 year old girls and their mothers. Those chicks have CLAWS and will not hesitate to use them should you even THINK of pointing out the following:

Bella Swan is a worthless human being whose only positive attribute is having a nice head of hair.  

Jacob is a creepily obsessive teenager with an unhealthy fixation on a worthless human being with nice hair.

Edward has been alive for centuries, and yet the most interesting thing about him is…um…um…

Wait! I know this one. Um…

Yeah no, I got nothing.

David Slade is a good director with a nice hold on style. Sadly, like a vampire eating vegetarian (sorta), most of that is muted here in order to service the requirement that all Twilight films be atrocious. That being said, Slade does manage to bring more life into his take than previous helmers Catherine Hardwicke and Chris Weitz, spinning a little more horror into an opening rainy murder and occasionally almost badass fight scenes between the undead and wolfish. Visually, Eclipse has a little more going for it than the interminable dullness of Twilight and weirdly paced New Moon.

But even Scorsese couldn’t do anything about the sparkling elephant in the room and the unbelievably awful love triangle he birthed. I know, I know: I’m just not in the age or taste demographic to care, but…but…SERIOUSLY! Have you SEEN Eclipse?

Let me do my best teenage girl style recap of this relationship:

So like, Bella and Edward are totally in lovesies but Charlie (that’s Bella’s dad; she’s so cool that she calls him by his first name! Isn’t that COOL?) isn’t hip to that so he’s all like “Bella, I won’t ground you if you call your friend Jacob” which is sorta weird but whatever, she does but Jacob’s all like “you don’t love me! But you DO love me!” and like, she sorta does but not, you know, like how she loves Edward and Edward’s like “hey, don’t go see Jacob” and because HE LOVES HER SO MUCH he breaks her car so she can’t. I mean, that’s like REAL LOVE.

I hope some day I meet a man who will cut the wires in my car so that I don’t go visit my best friend.

But stuff happens and eventually Bella gets to see Jacob and HELLO STUD! He’s totally not wearing a shirt—like, EVER—and it’s amazing. But you know, Bella loves Edward but then Edward and Jacob fight over her but Bella’s all like “Don’t fight guys!” and she does that a lot and finally is like “I’m Switzerland!” which Wikipedia eventually told me means she’s neutral and stuff.

Bella’s so cool and smart like that. No wonder why Edward and Jacob are always fighting over her.

And like, showering her in gifts. Jacob gives her a wolf charm bracelet—I wonder if they sell that at Forever 21?—and like, Edward tops it by giving a prettier charm bracelet AND giant engagement ring!

Because OMG! They’re engaged! And like, not just to be married, but to be VAMPIRES TOGETHER FOREVER! I can’t think of anything more romantic, and I’ve seen every Channing Tatum movie ever (side note: Haywire was stupid).

And like—

Okay, I can’t do it anymore. I can’t stand by and, I don’t know, BE SWITZERLAND when the most popular entertainment for the world’s tweenage population involves a SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL declaring to her boyfriend “I want to tie myself to you in every way humanly possible.” This is not healthy. This is not good. I don’t care how romantic  it comes across or how pretty her wedding dress will eventually be: we should not be holding this character up as a role model.

Remember when you were 17? Remember how confident you were about certain things in life not ever changing? You would always be BFFs with your high school BFFs. Your prom date was The One. You would always consider Gladiator your favorite film of the year because you would never waiver in your crush of that handsome, manly slab of Aussie meat known as Russell Crowe. You might as well just BE FROZEN IN TIME FOREVER since just because you’re too young to vote, smoke, or rent a car does not in any way mean you’re not ready to make a commitment that will require the eternal alteration of YOUR SOUL.

Seriously, EVERYONE thought he was hot in 1999...right?

My point being, Bella is, wouldn’t you agree? a kid. “I’ve always felt out of step, like literally stumbling through my life,” she argues, using typical teen awkwardness to justify making a major SOUL decision that will determine the rest of her days. Look kid, you can transfer colleges. You can change jobs. Heck, you can even get divorced (as Bella so pointedly points out, the majority of people now do) but  surrendering your SOUL is a little more final. Apparently doing so also means no more vacations to Florida to hang out with her equally sullen mom while her not-overbearing-at-all boyfriend eavesdrops on every word of their conversation. Nope, dripping sparkles (which I swore was just sweat this go around) with your emo fella is clearly worth EVERYTHING to a woman too young to ever really experience ANYTHING.

Shake it off Emily, shake it off.

We know going into this saga that this is what we get: tireless arguments for a boring girl’s heart, a herd of tanned Native American teenagers hanging out in cutoffs and talking about girls (giggle giggle), a cuddling pillowtalk scene in which I can’t understand anything the leads are mumbling about, great haircuts from everybody. Let’s focus on the positives, i.e., really amusingly stupid flashbacks that attempt to flesh out the history of the vampire clan. 

Because you know, these vamps and wolfies are HISTORICAL! One was a Confederate soldier who zzzzzzzzzzz. Another was a classy upper class ‘30s dame who got gang raped and zzzzzzzzzzzz. Then there was a Native American a few centuries ago who zzzzzzzzz

Wait what? Did I just snore through gang rape in a PG13 blockbuster? Yeah, no seriously, because it happens in the kind of ZzzzzzZzzzzzzZzzzzzz manner that puts hyperactive children on a strict diet of coffee protein shakes to sleep.

So that’s that. The campy stuff is dull, the action scenes decent (way to run out that infield hit Slade), and the romance painful, offensive, and dangerous to young women everywhere. Because sorry girls, but falling asleep as your two boyfriends--one of whom is underage, the other who's got centuries over you--creepily discuss which one is a better LIFE MATCH is NOT awesome or liberating. I guess she’s not a victim though, since a few scenes after Bella has accepted Throwup Face’s proposal and begged Jacob to let her go, she calms down the sulky shirtless wonder by kissing him. Because THAT’S the way you cool things down when a guy is dangerously in love with you, right? You just play mind games with his poor unsatisfied libido?

Ah, the innocence and stupidity of youth.

Practical Fashion Police

Hey world: remember those famous mittens Kristen Stewart popularized a few years ago? All the kids wanted them, blogs taught you how to knit them, and in total unrestrained truth, even I kind of liked them? I bet they would have been REALLY USEFUL when Bella nearly freezes to death when camping in the subzero snowiness of the Seattle mountains (no, seriously) when wearing a light button down

Minor Rays of Light

Whether it’s Melissa Rosenberg’s script or (dare I say it) Stephanie Meyers’ original source, Eclipse does find a few moments of meta commentary in its dialogue, from the admittedly chuckleworthy Edward’s question about Jacob owning a shirt to the latter’s double-sided comment that he’s hotter

Lessons Learned

Survival 101: you warm up faster if you take your clothes off

Seattle gets an awful lot of snow in June

After a hard day at the office, nothing will put a laugh in your walk quite like watching vampire decapitations. They are HILARIOUS

Watch/Kill/Watch Me When I Kill All Associated With This Film

In total honesty, I think Eclipse *might* be the “best” of the Twilight films thus far, which is incredibly sad for all involved. Taylor Launtner still has abs of steel, yet his speaking voice has the strength and control of a newborn inbred baby opossum. Pattinson continues to wear his “I just ate some really rank alfredo sauce” expression with the amount of energy I summon to turn off my alarm clock, and Stewart seems determined to keep Bella a bland “every girl” waste of space solely defined by having nice hair and being carried around forests by handsome young men. If that's what you like, then hey! I've got a movie for you! Otherwise, leave it to the sadly doomed iPhone Generation, their Scarily Enthusiastic Moms, and these three wastes of spaces:

Because the above picture is pretty much what happens for 75% of this film's running length