Cats: The Movie (no really: that's the title)

The term ‘crazy cat lady’ gets thrown around a lot in this day and age. As mother to two feline furballs who impose themselves on virtually every aspect of my life—

Oh look! Here’s a picture!

What was I talking about?

Right. See, I myself have been known to accept such a title. Perhaps it’s Joplin’s comfort with sitting on my shoulder…

Or Mookie’s enjoyment of being spanked…

Or the fact that I say these things in public with no consideration that some people find it, well, inappropriate.

Nevertheless, the beauty of something like Cats: The Movie is that, when watched with the director/producer commentary, I suddenly feel normal. Yes, I may take my showers as Mookie sits loyally on the bath ledge or have complete back and forth conversations with the chatty alarm clock also known as Joplin every morning, but at least I’M not the one spending 7 years of my life recording my kids’ antics and editing it into a 69 minute full-length feature youtube video with a story arc.

Mostly because Mookie speaks a hybrid of broken American English with a North Korean accent and despite being cute as a black and white button, Joplin is horribly unphotogenic and would look awful on camera.

They’re just not ready. Yet…

Quick Plot: Marchello is an indoor cat whose mother is the definition of a crazy cat lady, overearnestly voiced by Lolita’s Domonique Swain. See, when Mom spends the night at her boyfriend’s—apparently the first time this has ever happened—and later LEAVES HER CAT A MESSAGE ON THE ANSWERING MACHINE that she’ll be delayed another day, Marchello goes into a bit of a, dare I say it, tailspin, sneaking outside to explore the street life. 

It’s a CAT-astrophe!

Get it? Because cat—

Sorry. 

And what does our four legged friend find in the wilderness of wealthy suburbia? A sexy neighbor cat named Jujube, voiced by none other than Michelle Rodriquez. Like every character ever played by Michelle Rodriguez, Jujube messes everything up when she teases Marchello into traveling too far away from home. Now our hero must face territorial crows, manic depressive abandoned cats, drunken bullfrogs, overenthusiastic dogs, and a seedy rollerblader who makes a living by grabbing stray pets and ransoming them to their rich owners.

All of the abovementioned action is filmed guerilla style with a handheld, sometimes fingerprint spotted lensed camera. It’s like Milo & Otis with weaker production values or an episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos with, well, equal production values and the voice of Jeremy Piven.

It’s hard to knock Cats: The Movie when it was essentially a hobby for painter-turned-cinematographer-turned-auteur Susan Emerson. Listening to the commentary track of her and producer Paul Williams (no, not that one) shows that Emerson wasn’t aiming to make Citizen Kat. She simply discovered her pet main coon was a natural in front of the camera and if she organized things a little bit, she could have a feature film. From one crazy cat lady to another, I have to sort of salute this effort.

But also, you know…it’s Cats: The Movie. I imagine its appeal lies in kids bored with Baby Einstein or nice old ladies with eternal supplies of hard candy. Also, Joplin seemed to really like it:

Although not as much as she did Sharon Stone in Scissors.

The little darling could not take her green eyes off Steve Railsback

Lessons Learned
Squirrels make shitty messengers, even if they are voiced by Jeremy Sisto

Crows are assholes

Culled from the commentary: a D.O.P. is a director of photography (as explained to the film’s producer)

Standard Animals Doing Human Stuff Trope Tally
New Kid In Town: Check 
Recent Dead or Divorced Parent: X
Montage: X
New Friendship: Check
Potentially Inappropriate ‘Friendship’ Between Child & Unrelated Adult (Human): Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check
Evil Corporate Enemy: X. A rollerblading catnapping con artist seems to be working independently
Original Song: X
Bully Comeuppance: X
Small Town Values: X. This is pure suburbia. There is nothing to compare it to
Back To Nature Moral: Check. The movie ends with Marchello’s mother randomly deciding he can be an indoor/outdoor cat, which is apparently the way nature intended (earmuffs Mookie & Joplin!)
Overall Score: 4 + Infinity/10

A-Paws-Meter
The main reason to rent Cats: The Movie is to watch the first 59 minutes with commentary (because for whatever reason, it just stops at that point). Here you get such adorable nuggets as the producer asking if the disc is skipping and my favorite opening discussion of all time:

Producer: So how did you get Marchello to chase the ball like that?
Writer/Director: I threw it.

Throw in a connection to Sunset Boulevard (it happens) and what more do you need?

A monkey. Yes, a monkey would have been good…

Tuesday Tossup: The Earlobes Edition

Your ears looked hungry. The Italian in me just can't stand to let that be. And thusly do I bring some audio news from the podosphere:

• First, a tease of sorts to let you know that the gleeKast will temporarily be suspending our summer hiatus to record our first triloglee on, naturally, the Step Up films. I'm sure they're terrible and may not interest you in the least, but our duty calls. If you have any feedback you'd like discussed, email gleekast@gmail.com by August 22nd or so.

• In current news, Episode 6 of the GirlsOnFilm Radio Podcast is live and wild. Listen to 5 women talk about the oddball classic Hausu and the lovably meta Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon. As usual, you get some bonus chit chat on all Spartacus, penises, cats, and the Saw series. It's like Sex & the City, except we don't all deserve to die by methods more painful than all the Saw traps combined.

• Outside the Cinema did a fine bonus episode all about the feel-good comedy of the year, A Serbian Film. Grab the kids and pop it in for a--

Wait, I really can't say that. It's like how I've been trying in vain to convince others to watch Tiptoes , putting on my best acting to sell it as a quirky but lovable dramady that needs to be seen. I actually get the person to write down the name and then I just break.

I know. I'm weak.  

A Serbian Film, on the other hand, is actually quite good. But it's not lovable. Or fit for children. Or grandmothers. Or, for most, girlfriends. It's just about the most brutal 90 minutes you'll ever see and one not easy to advise others to watch, but it’s extremely well-done for a film of its type and does succeed, however disgustingly, at taking a stab at sending a message. 

And in less controversial news, there should be a new issue of Rogue Cinema posted later today complete with reviews of lots of exciting indie films, plus my interview with director Barbara Stepansky, she of 2009's Hurt (now streaming in Netflix) and the upcoming Fugue, a haunting little thriller which I enthusiastically reviewed last month. 

Oh oh! In slightly controversial news, Pop Syndicate is getting a bit of a makeover. Rather than act like one of those whining shrews on America's Next Top Model who sob at the mere mention of a color change, I say we all ride the linking train to check out its new look, busy up the suddenly skinny forums, and keep one of the Internet's best pop culture sites alive and thriving. Forum-wise, I tend to loiter in the podcast wing, regularly posting on the pages for The Gentlemen's Guide to Midnite Cinema, Outside the Cinema, Chinstroker vs. Punter, Girls On Film Radio Podcast, Night of the Living Podcast (where they actually discuss this weird thing called books) and of course, the GleeKast. Build those frequent blogging miles and get posting.

The Road to Hell is Lined With Feeders

In case you hadn’t guess from the peppermint scented sewage dripping out of the Doll’s House, I’ve been devoting the month Christmas horror movies that have by some miracle on 34th street completely evaded my eyes in past years. It hasn’t been easy (why Santa Claws , why?) but the randomly wrapped diamonds in the rough (may your days be merry and bright Harry Stadling ) and the festive support of you dear readers has made it worthwhile.

And then I watch something like Feeders and its sequel, Feeders 2: Slay Bells, and wonder just exactly what is wrong with me and the world I live in.

Quick Plot:

We’ll start with Feeders, a 1996 shot-on-video alien invasion film about two friends who go hiking in the wilds of Pennsylvania and encounter paper mache Martians. Before this happens, we’re subject to lots of driving and a vaguely Peanuts-esque musical score to guide our way. The characters are played by co-directors Jon McBride and John Polonia, and I suppose the nicest thing I can say is that they’re equally good at performing as they are at making movies.

No, that’s not a compliment at all, because Feeders is insanely awful.

The guys hike. At a gas stop, Polonia’s Bennett arranges dates with a pair of single ladies who make your average school lunchlady look like Charlize Theron, much to the chagrin of the nature loving Derek (McBride), who’d rather take photos with what resembles a secret water squirting prop camera. You can’t really blame him.

At some point, the synthesizer hits pause to let in the growls of angry puppies, aka our main villains. Blood is spilled. Derek must make a fateful decision. Polonia gets to play possessed. The credits roll and we breathe a pained sight of relief.

Rather than flush the DVD down the toilet like the filmmakers did 68 minutes earlier with my spirit, masochists like me then return to the menu for the long awaited (by those nearing suicide but in need of an extra push) sequel from 1998.

Feeders 2: Slay Bells takes the petite carnivores into the holiday season as they stalk an unattractive and unlikable family bearing a creepy resemblance to Billy Pilgrim’s wife and kids in the film adaptation of Slaughterhouse Five. The aliens have received something of a makeover, looking a little slimmer, smaller headed, and much grayer. I’m fairly certain there’s a very rational explanation for this, such as the props were stored in a damp closet and this is simply what they look like water damaged. 

Anyway, Dad’s churning out a Bob Cratchit like existence and Mom’s honing her parenting skills by making her cute kids abandon imagination-enhancing games of make believe to sit in front of the TV and watch public domain cartoons. After what seems like eternity in a vacuum, the arts & crafts aliens break into the heavily decorated home and...growl. Dad investigates. We get randomly placed interviews with “special guest star” Jon McBride, reprising his role in Feeders by recounting exactly what happened in that complex and riveting film. Santa Claus shows up to conquer the Martians  and, by default, prove that Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is nowhere near the worst film ever made when this production company has at least 20 more to choose from.

I was all set to give a full disclaimer about the Feeders series being low budget indies made by well-intentioned amateurs, but then I did some IMDBing and learned that this was their sixth film. A Wikipedia entry mired with typos informed me that the Polonia Brothers and McBride (he of Woodchipper Massacre fame) had become something of a success amongst the direct-to-video renting Blockbuster crowd. 

This proves once again that Blockbuster may indeed by run by exiled demons of hell.

I try not to allow myself to fully hate any independent do-it-yourself movie because filmmaking on a nonexistent budget is a challenge only the bravely dedicated can possibly complete. I’ll give my token congratulations to McBride and the Polonia Bros. (total twin power who directed Slay Bells), but I’ll also confidently proclaim these movies to be, without question,  an experience less pleasant than watching a retirement home’s theatrical adaptation of Showgirls.

High Points

The DVD extras show that the filmmakers had enthusiasm. So, you know...good for them

Low Points

See review

Lessons Learned

If you want to make an audience truly uncomfortable, be sure to feature extreme closeups of unattractive actors in your film

Puppets do not require mouths to chew through human flesh

When your only special effect is to insert the time of day in bold print at the bottom of a shot, you might as well utilize it as often as possible. 

Violently aggressive aliens are coming to earth for the sole purpose of stalking a single lower middle class family

Winning Line

“It was too surreal to be a dream. but too unreal to be believable.”

This is actually kind of tragic, as it reveals the writers aren’t even creative in their dreams.

Rent/Bury/Buy

No. Just no. For the love of all lovably bad cinema that actually deserves a watch (Don’t Open Til Christmas  never looked so good), avoid this movie or use the DVD for something far more productive, like making a disco beret for your cat.

*DVD pictured is not from Netflix, as no matter how much I want to spare others from the Feeders fate, I could still never bring myself to destroy a film. Nope. That’s just my overly scratched and now unwatchable copy of Love Actually.

Yes, believe it or not, I do occasionally watch Christmas films that have an IMDB rating of greater than 2.