Santa Rooney!

One of the truest tragedies of the ‘90s had to be the sudden death of the Silent Night, Deadly Night franchise. Few other horror series managed such an odd mix of seasonal sleaziness and utter awfulness to the point of comedy gold. The first two films will remain classics of a different era, one where a great movie could be made pieced entirely from scenes of its predecessor, mixed gloriously with some of the worst acting (though to be fair, best by eyebrows) in cinema history. Part 3 was something of a bore, while Brian Yuzna’s followup offered something new, if imperfect. 

So with the hot chocolate cooling, I finally sat down to rewatch, after a decade and a half, Silent Night Deadly Night 5: The Toymaker.

Quick Plot: Like so many Christmas themed horror movies, a young boy briefly watches his parents get it on. That’s just foreplay for a mysterious Christmas gift from a stranger, one that shirtless dad has the unluck of opening, being facehugged by, and strategically eye-impaled on a firepoker. 

No wonder why some people hate the holidays.

Little Derek (the toy soldier from Demonic Toys, boo yah!) catches the kid from Scrooged’s disease wherein such a traumatic event has left him mute. Newly single mom Sarah does what she can to cheer up her kid, even going so far as to take him to the local toy shop run by Joe Petto (get it? really, do you?) and his awkward teenage son.

Oh, and Joe is played by The Manipulator himself, Mickey Rooney.

Meanwhile, a self-inflicted mysterious man named Noah enters the picture, buying Petto’s toys and conducting Jack Skellington-like experiments to trace their evil. Sure, he also causes the death of his landlord and terrifies Derek with an awful mall Santa gig, but since he’s the best looking male onscreen, we can at least count on his wavy brown locks to see us and our women and children through to the end.

There are, of course, a few California Christmas-related side notes. Neith Hunter, who savvy viewers may remember as the bewitched lead in SIlent Night Deadly Night 4, pops in as Sarah’s neighbor, occasionally offering knowing remarks with hints to how “You would not believe the things I’ve been through.” This comes right before her bratty baggy pants wearing teen son nearly explodes from some mischievous roller blades, which is slightly fabulous. Even Clint Howard stops by in an all-too brief cameo. Also of note is a horny couple that proves why parents should simply never hire teenage babysitters and why horny babysitters should never expect to survive an evening of consummated affection.

High Points

For a movie that was clearly heading straight to video, you reallly have to admire the playful score, which subtly calls up fitting musical themes for its death scenes, including an Egyptian-style toot for a snake kill and an almost Psycho-esque staccato for a water pistol shooting

The full reveal of the main villain is nicely bizarre and rather icky

Low Points

Perhaps it was some budgetary restraints, but there's something about this film that feels so ...small. Aside from a handful of main characters, we never see the killer toys cause any real mayhem on strangers. Even the fact that Noah has a connection to Sarah and Derek, and yet also *happens* to be investigating Joe Petto is in itself a seemingly easy way to keep costs low by confining all conflict to our leads.

Lessons Learned

It's perfectly normal for a child to never speak again after witnessing the horrific and bizarre death of his father

Not all kids are asking for Larry the Larvae crawling toys, especially when they're known to cause fatal car accidents

In the 1990s, California shopping malls employed one dozen workers at a time to man the Santa/Elf station

Rent/Bury/Buy

It’s a shame Silent Night, Deadly Night 5 doesn’t have any special features, as it’s a surprisingly interesting little Christmas movie and easily one of the best of its series. Sure, that’s not saying a whole lot when your biggest competition is Garbage Day!, but The Toymaker is a strange watch, filled with passable performances and some groovy kills. 

The Island of Misfit (& Demonic) Toys

Ah, the early ‘90s, a time when baggy clothes were hip, 90210 was the most famous number on the playground, and my weekends were filled with free video rentals through a store credit system. More often than not, what came home in my pudgy little hands was whatever new Full Moon release had been prominently displayed.

Demonic Toys is a film I find myself thinking of quite often, yet in truth, I’ve only watched it once. Until now.

Quick Plot: A pair of inept police officers are attempting to arrest some arms dealers, but through a series of bad copping, one gets shot, a thug escapes into a toy warehouse, and the other crawls inside to drip his blood over the seal of Satanically animated dolls. The surviving cop, played by a buff and one-note Tracy Scoggins, is pregnant and pissed. The surviving thug is smarmy and mean. The Satanically animated dolls are simply incredible.

Also on call are a chubby night watchman, his nightly fried chicken delivery boy, and a teen runaway with terrible hair. None of the ragtag group is quite equipped to battle the horde of titular tot-sized evil, headed by the snarling Baby Oopsie Daisy.

As a child, I seriously feared this thing. As an adult, I semi-seriously fear this thing.

Dare I forget the whole reason for their homicide? See, 66 years ago, some demon thing tried to be reborn. Didn’t work. His horned devil corpse was carelessly tossed aside by some hungry trick-or-treaters, left to fester for decades until the blood of Thug 1 reawakened his power. His method of return is to ‘do the nasty’ with an already pregnant woman, possessing the soul of her fetus in the process.

I’ll say what you’re already thinking: the movie is amazing. And way better than A Nightmare On Elm Street V.

Generally, I’m a pretty loyal fan of Full Moon Entertainment. Witness my collection of Puppet Master action figures or my willingness to sit through the atrocity that was Netherworld. Demonic Toys is Full Moon at its finest, with some genuinely unique villains and a script that seems to care.

Sure, we get the cheese factor of a happy couple rejoicing in their pregnancy, only for the lovable lug of a soon-to-be-daddy to get gunned down less than two minutes later.  There’s gratuitous nudity involving silicone. Terrible one-liners from an evil baby doll. Two little boys (one dressed like a toy soldier) engaged in a wrestling match to determine the rebirth of Satan. One ten-year-old lip-synching as a deep Devil voice talks about ‘doing the nasty’ with his mother. A giant bear.

In other words, a whole lot to love.

High Points

A slow motion scene of the heroes shooting the heads off of rather harmless looking toys is kind of the greatest thing ever put on screen

Was that a cameo from an extra in Dolls???

Lessons Learned

It takes a whole lot to be fired from a fried chicken joint. Insulting your boss, smoking in the kitchen, and being surly to the point of insane jerk levels will not do the trick

Cinematic air conditioning vents are, on average, 18.7x more spacious than any NYC apartment

The war for domination of a woman’s womb is best played by the card game War

Rent/Bury/Buy

I was surprised by how ‘well’ Demonic Toys held up. Okay, it’s a terrible ‘90s direct-to-VHS horror movie made as much to create a franchise than scares, but hey, it’s still a find. The monsters are genuinely interesting, whether they be carnivorous jack-in-the-boxes or tricycle riding blond girls in gas masks. The movie is readily available on Instant Watch or just about any Full Moon multi-film pack. So why are you still here?

Doll Face Meme!

So I'm a woman of a few talents (surviving bad cinema, badminton, Boggle) but like any mere mortal, certain skills elude me. Organization. Social planning. Planning. Planning socialism, you get the idea.

For instance, I announced a contest several months back which still excites me, and yet I've yet to select a winner. What this means is 1) I will do so this weekend and 2) Said winner will receive a special "I'm sorry I'm a procrastinating poophead prize," fear not, not comprised of poop. This also means I will start reviewing the recommended films with intros from the lovely and daring souls who entered.

Also, it's social blogging season and like most times of year, I rarely seem to be 'wid it.' I've had half a Billy Loves Stu  inspired meme sitting in my draft box for a month, 9 entries into my Horror Digest  honored Willies, and terribly lax thank yous for Versatile Blogging. 

But finally, I found a trend I can easily hop onto! No, not Bandz or street dancing (well, kind of street dancing...hint hint bonus episode of the GleeKast coming at you in 3D!) but the Screen Grab Meme Spectacular bestowed upon me by none other than the baton-twirling BJ-C of Day of the Woman .  Bloggers are ordered to grab a few images with one unifying theme. Now I combed through my globby brain for days trying to figure out what would be appropriate before finally bashing my own noggin with a frying pan for overlooking the obvious.

Starting with The Godfather of Dollinema...

whose name need not be said

Baby Oopsy Daisy, Demonic Toys

Dolly Dearest, Chucky's first true love

Cowboy Curtis (I'm guessing), from Stuart Gordon's Dolls

My Cheat (not screen grab of cinema)

Billy Baloney, Pee-Wee Herman's naughty friend. True story: despite my doll phobia, this thing lived in my house all through my childhood. As recently as three years ago, my mother kept it on top of the refrigerator and would occasionally bring it to the dinner table with the prime aim of making me uncomfortable.

Dream Warriors Got No Strings!

One of the eeriest (if memory serves) PG-Rated films of all time, Roland Emmerich's (yes, that Roland Emmerich) Joey, aka Making Contact

Further proof that all dummies are evil: Anthony Hopkins and Fats, Magic 

May and Suzy

The soon-to-be-Criterioned Night of the Hunter

It takes a bad man to combine clowns with dolls. 

Steven Spielberg, I see your true soul.

Blade, the respectable leader of the Puppet Master series

Mannequins = Dolls all grown up.

Mannequins=me crying in the corner

Tourist Trap 

An underrated anthology classic, Tales From the Hood

And we conclude with the question that's plagued mankind throughout the ages:

How'd it get buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurned?

I was supposed to use this space to tag fellow bloggers to make them work, but how can I focus on choosing who to assign Googling to when the best YouTube compilation of all time is screaming at me?

I Want to Ride My Bicycle

Not surprisingly, May is National Bike Month and even less surprisingly, that reminds me of a few good--or just entertaining--horror films.

1. And Soon the Darkness

A bicycle holiday through the French countryside sounds like a lovely idea, but the two lovely ladies at the center of Robert Fuest’s 1970 thriller have some pretty serious troubles ahead, and only part of that stems from the fact that both are wearing chafe-inducing hot pants. After a cranky are-we-there-yet squabble, the good girl Jane and flirty Cathy go their separate ways and a mysterious underwear thief pops latter’s bicycle tires. Yes, that’s literal, but let it lead your mind down a much darker path and enjoy this tense little cat-and-mouse tale unwind.

2. Demonic Toys

In the early 1990s, one could always count on Full Moon Entertainment to deliver something entertaining to VCRs across the country. Enter Demonic Toys, a messy--albeit enjoyable--horror featuring foul-mouthed baby dolls, hungry jack-in-the-boxes, satanic rituals, and, most relevant, rude little blond girls in gas masks on tricycles. Yes, that last part does send a significant chill upon first glance (particularly if, like me, you’re a tad uncomfortable around...you know...little blond girls in gas masks on tricycles) and like most Full Moon films, the scares don’t quite take themselves seriously long enough to merit any lasting effect but still...rude little blond girls in gas masks on tricycles. 

3. The Shining

Is it possible to walk through an antiquated motel with ugly carpeting and long hallways and NOT find yourself bemoaning the absence of a hot cycle? It just seems like the best possible mode of transportation to help navigate a haunted mansion. Maybe not the fastest escape from drunk daddy and his ax, but at least it takes you back to childhood. 

4. 2001: A Space Odyssey

Who knew Stanley Kubrick was such a bike enthusiast? Witness his second (or chronologically first, but set in the then-future, so...you get the idea) foray into bike horror in a more conceptional manner with 2001. The idea of tandem bicycles is already a tad unsettling--something about romantic exercise in a weirdly long vehicle just seems off to me--so hearing H.A.L. sing so coldly about “A bicycle built for two” in his dying cyber breaths lands on already chilled ears. Especially when you picture a lovely lass named Daisy riding a two-seater with a surly computer. The visual is a challenge in itself. 

5. The Wizard of Oz

Jaws. Darth Vader. The Wicked Witch of the West.

All supervillains. All equipped with incredibly iconic musical themes that speak to the very terror they instill in children, drunken sailors, Jedis, and Munchkins. Though it’s Mrs. Gulch--not the green-faced sorceress--who spends an extended time on a banana seat, children of all ages (and of all generations for 60+ years) have felt the hairs stand up on their trembling arms when those fast-paced notes blow by like a biker caught in a tornado. After all, this is a woman who wanted to kill one of cinema’s most efficient mutts!

6. The Toxic Avenger

Hey kids, tired of your mom forcing an ugly, socially unacceptable bike helmet on your sensitive adolescent head? Throw a little Troma her way and help yourself in the process with this 1984 splatter classic, wherein naughty drunk driving teens make serious sport out of running over pedestrians and cyclists. The best victim? A passing preteen (double points) whose safety gear can’t protect his noggin from the heavy skidmarks of a full-speed tire.

7. Maximum Overdrive

So a comet is nearing your planet and anything running on electricity wants to kill you. Hope you got a 10 speed! Because how else can you escape a clown-faced mack truck, determined lawnmower, and homicidal soda machine shooting out Pepsi cans as if they were bullets? The very thought makes me want to sign up for spin class in order to prepare.

8. Uzumaki

Ah, the innocence of young love, perfectly captured in Higuchinsky’s surreal J-thriller by an amorous couple’s daily bike rides through the town. The makings of a lovely relationship expected to bloom into prom dances and tenuous hand-holding...if only it wasn’t for the village-wide infection that renders residents suicidal or snail-like. 

9. In the Mouth of Madness

It was a dark and lonely night on the highway heading into Hobb’s End, and though he may have conquered T-Rexes and played the antichrist, even Sam Neill got skittish when a John Carpenter lookalike in washed-out denim peddles by in the wee hours of a haunted morning. 

10. Prince of Darkness

Despite an assumed short wind from years of chain smoking, I think we can safely assume John Carpenter appreciates a pleasant bike ride from time to time.  Witness this 1987 horror, the second entry in his loose Apocalypse trilogy, wherein a homeless Alice Cooper uses half a bicycle for a casual back alley impalement. 

11. Pee-Wee's Big Adventure

Not necessarily horrific, but the inclusion of sharp-fanged clowns with suspect medical degrees is enough to terrify anyone, and considering their main motive in Tim Burton's classic 1985 film is to destroy the coolest bicycle ever to grace the silver screen, I'd say they more than earn a place in this list.

Let's Have a Corey Feldman Christmas

Sometimes, you just need a little simplicity in your life. Thankfully, Netflix’s Instant Watch is there for some of those sometimes when simplicity can best be defined as 86 minutes of watching a badly punning baby doll battle adorably supernatural puppets and Corey Feldman.

I speak, of course, of 2004‘s Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys, a non-Full Moon produced direct-to-obvious-obscurity piece of lighthearted entertainment. It’s cheap. It’s cornier than Gatlin and I enjoyed--in, of course, a way only those with a well worn sense of bad movie ridiculousness can--every awful minute of it.

Quick Plot: It’s the Christmas season in an extremely sunny, albeit shot-on-video land I’ll assume is the backlot of a discount studio somewhere in Bulgaria. With powder in his hair and a Christian Bale spewed frog in his throat, Feldman plays Robert Toulon, the great grandnephew of the Puppet Master himself. Robert is a doll doctor working to infuse a few familiar puppets with Toulon’s famed life serum, aided by the help of his teenaged (um, sure) daughter Alexandra. 

Meanwhile, Vanessa Angel (channelling Carrie Fisher’s back-and-forth British/American accent circa A New Hope) is Erika Sharpe, head of a gigantic toy corporation whose contract with a demon named Bael is about to expire. Or something. Whatever the conditions are (they have something to do with her being a spoiled child who got everything she wanted, including her father’s soul sold to Bael), Erika decides that her trio of demonic toys--played by refugees from, guess what, Demonic Toys--aren’t nearly as special as Toulon’s quartet of Blade, Pinhead, Jester, and Six Shooter. Naturally, she plans on puppetnapping the four, sacrificing Alexandra to Bael, seducing Toulon, and killing all the children of the world on Christmas morning. 

The last part is by far the most promising. Sharpe Toys has issued three must-have gifts for the holiday season, although what child would want a Victorian baby doll that poops, a Jack-In-the-Box that strangles, or a teddy bear with teeth is never explained. Savvy early ‘90s horror fans will of course recognize the Demonic Toys as being discount versions of their former selves, but there’s certainly a way to consider Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys as fan fiction of one beloved and one mildly liked series. What’s even more exciting is the sadly underused Halloween III storyline, wherein all the sold and donated toys are set to greet the world’s Christmas celebrating children with massacre upon being unwrapped. (For those of other denominations, there is nary a mention of whether or not the toys were programmed for the eighth night of Hanukkah.)

The movie, you may have guessed, is extremely not good. Still, anything involving carnivorous teddy bears that finds a way to incorporate lasers is some kind of wonderful.

High Points

Who gives the best performance? It’s a tough three-way battle between Feldman’s eyebrows, Angel’s lips (which seem to be in danger of eating her face) and costar Silvia Suvadova’s bulging blue eyeballs

Erika Sharpe’s wardrobe is by the way, half the fun of the movie, starting with what I would describe as an exotic bathrobe paired with a sensibly pink pencil skirt. Formal wear? A Chinese evening gown accessorized with a dead flamingo’s plume and finally, her to-go dress that resembles Barbie’s 80s career woman look, or possibly the costume for an extra in How to Succeed In Business Without Really Trying. 

Low Points

Obviously, I wasn’t expecting realistic CGI or even Family Dollar budgeted practical effects, but Bael’s design made some of the lesser demons on Buffy the Vampire Slayer look frightening

Just because the actress playing Feldman’s daughter is probably around his age does not mean it’s okay for Toulan to ask “You ARE a virgin, right?” with a slightly too curious leer

As a child, I was genuinely freaked out by the nasty visage of Baby Oopsie Daisy in the first Demonic Toys. Because Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys didn’t have the full blessing and resources of Full Moon, the new foul-mouthed villain has lost all the icky expressiveness of his original look

Then

Now

Lessons Learned

Meeting the board of directors is not always a positive thing, especially if you happen to be a busty secretarial virgin

Note to Feldman: In order to outrun a fart-flying baby doll, it’s probably best to move your arms

Christmas morning officially begins at 6:20 AM Bulgarian time

Always flirt with the incompetent policewoman for minor assistance in your save-the-world endeavor

Rent/Bury/Buy

No money or effort should really be put into Puppet Master Vs Demonic Toys, but that doesn’t mean I’m not recommending a watch. Loyal Full Moon devotees will probably be disappointed by the utter fluffiness of the film, which lacks the darker edge of the early Puppet Master films and instead goes all out for campiness. Yes, it tries far too hard, but there’s something to be said for a Christmas themed, cheaply made horror comedy aware of its own silliness. Click it on for a Netflix Instant Watch when your brain has no business working.