If I Only Had An Uncle Teardrop

What can I say? I have a thing for scarecrow horror. When you think about it, those midwestern mascots are sort of like even more hideous combinations of dolls (which I’m scared of) and clowns (which who isn’t?), then dirtied up (which is icky), impaled in the middle of Children of the Cornfields (which sounds not ideal), and covered in bird poop (which no matter how many people tell you is good luck, I will still find unpleasant). Hence, when I discovered that a mid-90s scarecrow horror was on Instant Watch, I didn’t have to click my ruby slippers together to know I’d be streaming.

Quick Plot: The small town of Handford is on the brink of abandoning its farming heart for more urban ways, a controversial decision that brings prodigal mayor’s daughter Claire back to town. While she’s flirting with the honorable farming foreman Dillon (who for whatever reason, spells his name as if he were related to Matt and Kevin), the town punk is drunk driving a corn plow over an ancient seal while his pal takes a fateful Nightmare On Elm Street 4-esque leak on the ground below a lonely scarecrow.

The town punk is a doozy. After his second scene of crushing beer cans and smoking weed (town punks can never limit their vices to one), I noted “this guy looks like the younger stoner brother of John Hawkes.” Later, as I decided to investigate some of the names behind Night of the Scarecrow, IMDB told me that actually, it WAS John Hawkes. 

Seeing a twentysomething-playing-a-17ish John Hawkes mess around with the reverend's daughter = Reason 1 to watch this movie.

Reason 2 = The Movie.

Directed by Jeff Burr--he of the underhwhelming but Viggo Mortenson starring Texas Chainsaw III and more importantly, the underrated oddball anthology The Offspring/From a Whisper to a Scream--Night of the Scarecrow is '90s straight-to-video-in-its-final-days at its best. The scarecrow is essentially a simple slasher, except...well...he's a scarecrow, burlap stitched face and all. 

In case you didn't know, scarecrows are quite well-known for innovative kill tactics. The OTHER underrated killer scarecrow film on instant watch (1988's Scarecrows) features some nifty zombification, but the big bad of Night of the Scarecrow has even more tricks up his raggedy sleeves, among them:

-Sewing a victim's mouth shut

-Crucifixion

-Creative use of a plow

-Impregnating females by stuffing a seed down their throats, the quick birth of which involves hentai-ish tentacles

-Hurling a sickle at the window of a car speeding away so as to injure the driver and have her crash


-Elegantly removing his glove and blowing some dry straw in a manner that STABS A DUDE'S FACE

Even better, the scarecrow has his own sepia-toned origin story that involves hedonism, colonial times, and orgies. How did this film ever escape my teenage video days?

High Notes

The cast is composed of a solid group of enthusiastic actors, including future Office Space's Milton Stephen Root

Though Claire isn't the most interesting horror heroine, it's nice to see a not overly ambitious genre film center itself around a smart, brave,  and independent young woman who doesn't need to wait for the strapping hot guy to battle a killer scarecrow

Low Notes

I don't mind a filmmaker playing with camera styles, particularly in this type of film where anything new is welcome. But when an hour in, I've noted five cases of conspicuous and fairly clumsy POV shots, I'm a tad distracted by the thought that Burr's team was simply really eager to play with a new toy

Lessons Learned

You don’t mess with a homeboy (even if he’s white and from the midwest)

Everybody is just looking for somebody who will be there in the morning

In the early birth of the midwest, orgies were pretty lame

Sometimes, evil scarecrows can appear right in front of you as you run full speed away. Then sometimes they prefer to exercise more and chase you. Trying to figure out why and when they’d make such decisions is a task too difficult for intelligent film audiences to try to unravel, so just sit back and pretend it all makes perfect sense

Inevitable Dash of Wizard of Oz

Claire's big pre-Buffy zinger before blazing the bad guy is, you guessed it, "How 'bout a little FIRE, Scarecrow?"

Rent/Bury/Buy

If like me, you have a soft spot for '90s videos, scarecrow slashers, or solid straight horror films, Night of the Scarecrow  shouldn't be ignored. It's not necessarily scary or life-changing, but it's a perfectly solid genre flick with some sparkles--a young John Hawkes, a coolly designed killer, death by stuffing--that easily elevate it over a good 2/3rds of what else you'll find streaming in the horror section. A perfectly light and enjoyable way to slay 84 minutes of your life. 

America, Eff Yeah (or something something)

As my fellow Americans and I prepare to gorge ourselves on hamburgers and s’mores (side note: does a s’more hamburger sound good, or am I just really hungry?), I thought it would be patriotic--or, well, timely--to round up a few installments of my favorite genre that represent some aspect of United States history. A complete timeline wasn’t possible because a) as far as I know, we’re still waiting for the proper Columbus-as-Godzilla analogy of my dreams and b) there aren’t nearly enough (that I know of) films set in the past. 

Still, I did manage to pull a few titles/notable time periods for your movie marathon. No matter what color passport you may keep, feel free to add more below. Based on some of my picks, we need all the help we can to make history not repeat itself.

Puritannia!

Truth be told, I can’t think of any great American horror films that truly capture the restrictiveness of Christian culture. Peter Weir’s brilliantly haunting Picnic At Hanging Rock does an incredible job of exploring the unnatural atmosphere of Victorian society, but, well, that classic is set in the 1900s on another British colony that begins with A. For colonial horror of a more cerebral ilk, one could check out the we’re-the-real-monsters A-list headed The Crucible, starring a horny Winona Ryder, a brooding Daniel Day Lewis, and lots of black magic loving teenagers who scream more than all Jason’s final girls combined or an entire cycle’s worth of America’s Next Top Model contestants. If so-bad-it’s-still-not-good films are your cup of tea, then sit yourself down for an MST3K zinger-ready viewing of Demi Moore’s Oscar-baiting, Razzie winning performance as Hester Prynne in The Scarlet Letter. It teaches some important national lessons, such as don’t have sex with priests even if they are Gary Goldman and never under any circumstances overestimate your acting ability.

Manifest Destiny

Go west, young man! And if in doubt, eat your fatter travel companions. The infamous Donnor Party of the 1840s ventured into unchartered territory by heading across the country in search of gold and good settling ground, but they’re far more remembered for their survival spirit and taste in good old fashioned American red meat. American citizen meat, that is. Short on supplies and near starvation, these ill-fated pioneers eventually began eating their fellow (dead, I believe) travelers, thus beginning our national tradition of cannibalistic antiheroes. Without them, would Anthony Hopkins have ever won an Oscar? (probably). For totally unfaithful adaptations of this event, see the well-made Ravenous or Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s Tromarrific Cannibal! The Musical. Warning: you will be singing about baked potatoes, snowmen, and trackers for weeks without fail. And you may want to eat people. I honestly don’t know which is worse. 

The Civil War

The bloodiest event in American history pitted brother against brother, North against South, and twangs against Yank speak. In terms of body count, it’s our most devastating war, although oddly enough, you won’t find a large amount of horror films addressing the subject. Near Dark adds an excellently evil layer to Lance Henrickson’s vampire by giving him a Confederate backstory (slavery supporting AND undead? shudders). One of my favorite forgotten horror anthologies, the Vincent Price starring From a Whisper to a Scream (aka The Offspring) sets its final segment during the last days of the Civil War, when a group of children orphaned by the North’s dominance find their own method of Reconstruction (hint: it involves a lot of pieces). The amateur acting is spotty, but the gritty barrenness of a war-torn society (rarely seen in the U.S. but sadly far more common elsewhere) is explored in a truly frightening way.

The 1960s

In 1968, George Romero changed American (and international) cinema with the gore-filled, hero lacking Night of the Living Dead. Aside from introducing the world to unlimited hours of entertainment in planning zombie escape plans, this little black and white horror captured a changing tide in national sentiment. The blatant acknowledgement of unequal treatment of blacks, the inefficiency of government authorities, and the disenchantment with the American heroism by the reality of Vietnam  has aged well in the 40 years since it’s midnight premiere. It won’t make you proud of this country, but it remains one of its most important cinematic milestones.

Getting depressed by the state of the red white and blue? For an all-American palette cleanser, check out 1997’s low budget, high body count Uncle Sam. Yes, it’s pretty much 85 minutes of patriotic kills using every implement you’ll touch this July 4th (flag pole? check; bbq? check; firecrackers? you get the point) and no, it’s not good. But with American heroes Isaac Hayes and Robert Forster on board, plus the most aggressive potato sack race ever put on film, you’ll get much more enjoyment than, say, watching televised fireworks scored to the Last House On the Left-like raping of John Philip Sousa’s legacy by high school marching bands.