Let's Get Ready To Leprechaun

Apparently, the film-seeing public really wanted a serious Leprechaun movie that handled the material with the full weight it--

Oh who am I kidding. I can't joke about this. WWE produced a Leprechaun movie. 

But why, you ask, would they do that?

Well, possibly because they have a little person in their employment and The Miz can only do so many of those ABC Family/WWE coproduction Christmas movies. Plus, they helped distribute Oculus, which was genuinely scary. If they had something (a tenuous something) to do with a good movie about an evil mirror, why, I suppose, shouldn't they find the same luck with a movie about a murderous leprechaun?

Applying the idea of logic to anything having to do with the World Wrestling Feder--er, Enterprise is never a wise move, as See No Evil could certainly tell you. But hey, how can I possibly let a new Leprechaun movie streaming for free on Amazon Prime go unwatched here in the midst of The Shortening?

I'm only human.

And maybe 1/32nd leprechaun.

Quick Plot: A quartet of young and attractive American backpackers who can store all their vacation clothing and essentials in messenger bags are wandering through Ireland on the search for some history. Well, smart Sophie (Stephanie Bennett of The Nine Lives of Christmas fame) wants to see artifacts, her selfish boyfriend wants to be selfish, and the token fun couple wants to have fun.

A friendly customer named Hamish tells Sophie about some secret ancient historical ruins located a few hours from their current location, and smoothly suggesting the group stays at a cabin he occasionally rents out. Because if they say no we don't get a Leprechaun: Origins movie, the kids settle in for the night as Hamish and his grumpy son ominously lock them inside as a sacrifice to you-know-who.

You might be wondering, since we're a good half hour or so into this movie, where the leprechaun might be. For whatever reason (I think I'll use that expression a lot in this review), director Zach Lipovsky (who co-starred in the basketball playing sasquatch movie Big & Hairy) decides to Jaws-ify his villain, giving us mere glimpses for most of the film's brief running time. That would be fine if Leprechaun: Origins was, you know, scary. 

It's not that the movie doesn't try, something that certainly could not be said about most of the original series. The Leprechaun franchise has always been an odd duck in the realm of horror, trying in its early installments to balance terror with laughs only to give up and embrace its own ridiculousness rather immediately. This is a series that went from Lucky Charms jokes to outer space, and that was all before Warwick Davis had to rap in da hood.

On that note, Leprechaun: Origins could have been exceedingly worse. Had its makers gone the "we're so self-aware" route and failed, this could have been a painful, completely hate-worthy experience. Of course, being a self-aware goofy franchise was in part what defined the Leprechaun series to begin with, so taking a 180 turn and giving us a straight-out horror movie with nary a wink is...well, a tad odd.

See, you'd have to travel over a lot of rainbows to find someone who genuinely believes it is possible to make a scary leprechaun movie. Sure, Davis's villain could teleport and pogo stick with flair, but even I can concede that killer leprechauns are not easy material. Perhaps a master of horror could make it work, in the same way that many a talented filmmaker has given the world genuinely terrifying children, dolls, and other Shortening alumni. But, well, that doesn't happen here.

Leprechaun: Origins is not a terrible movie. It's not really even a bad one, more a mediocre straight-to-whatever-format-people-watch-movies-that-don't-get-theatrical-releases horror flick about pretty young people being terrorized by something that will inevitably kill them in predictable order. The pretty young people are your typical brood of bland, although the script flirts with the idea of what it means when your fellow travelers don't react heroically with self-sacrifice. That in itself could have been a big strength in giving the story a new spin, but despite lingering on shots of characters blatantly not stopping to help their injured friend, the movie never seems to actually want to deal with it or its consequences.

So instead with get Dylan "Hornswoggle" Postl's leprechaun, which may as well just be a blood gnome. Postl is a WWE wrestler and, let's face it, probably the main reason the network decided to revive the property. But one of the biggest issues of the movie is the utter anonymity of its titular villain. For as chatty and cliche-spewing charming as Warwick Davis was allowed to be, Postl never makes a sound or really gets a chance to show off his physical skills. He's just there. Kind of like the rest of the movie.

High Points

When--eventually--the leprechaun finally starts to get his hunt on, there are some fairly interesting sparks of violence that suggest what a neater film this might have been if it had been given full reign to go for the rough stuff

Low Points

78 minutes into the film, the credits started to roll.

And roll.

And roll.

I'm a believer in sitting through the credits, not just to count the many wacky nicknames crew members tend to grab, but also because you really just never know if the movie has ended until you give it up for the best boy (usually someone with a name like John "Skippy" Skipton). So I let the television run.

And run.

And run.

In the amount of time Leprechaun: Origins' end credits lasted, I could have done any of the following activities:

- heated up 6 Hot Pockets

- run a mile and an eighth or so

- watched Cher say "wagon wheel watoosi" just long enough to ascend to the next level of nirvana, then sat back for an additional two minutes to enjoy new status of nirvana

And the thing is, THERE IS NO REWARD. Throughout the credits, you get get the same shots of basements and blurry Irish history books dropped in the film, only now bathed in sepia tone. And then there's a violent closeup of The Leprechaun. And then it's all over, and you rewind to confirm that yes indeed, you just experienced a 78 minute movie with a 12 minute end credits sequence. Even Charles Band has never been THAT obvious about padding his running time, and he's Charles Band!

Lessons Learned

Woods are generally filled with lions and tigers and chickens and shit

The eyesight of a leprechaun is a combination of Predator-ish heat vision and random spurts of clear lighting with really blurry figures. Or maybe those scenes were from the point of view of when the leprechaun took his contacts out

Always remember that you have plenty more than an Irishman can steal than a mere 6-pack of Guinness 

COME ONE Lessons For Filmmakers

Look guys, I get it. Hot chicks wearing bras are hot. You know what hot chicks in bras are not? SLEEPING. Women. Don't. Sleep. In. Bras. Male directors who don't wear bras, talk to the women in your life or the actresses in your movie and ask them what they wear to bed. Trust me, it's not a piece of clothing with wires that dig into your sternum designed to keep your breasts in place when being active during the day. Do you wear a tie to bed? EXACTLY. 

Rent/Bury/Buy

Leprechaun: Origins is ultimately a missed opportunity to restart what was a fun, if stupid little franchise. This is by no means the worst new horror movie you'll find on Amazon Prime, but it's certainly among the most frustrating. If you have a specific 78 minute window to fill, it's there. 

Sasquatch Jordan: Big & Hairy

When one stumbles upon a title like Big & Hairy at a used DVD store, one never quite knows what to expect. A google image search, for example, is indecisive:

Aw

Hm

Gah

Oh my

Yet this Big & Hairy contains no visible genitalia or Robin Williams’ mugging. With a screenplay by Brian Daly—based on his own ‘novel’—and directed by Philip Spink, 1998’s Big & Hairy tells the universal story of a boy, basketball, and his pet sasquatch.

Quick Plot: Meet sixth grader Picasso Dewlap. In addition to bearing one of cinema history’s stupidest names, Picasso is in a bit of a funk. Picasso Dewlap (the more I say it the more amusing it gets) has just moved with his hippie parents to Cedar Island, a chilly little hamlet where only two things matter: the local lawn ornament factory and middle school basketball.

Before you call a lawyer to sue for inevitably stealing your life story (because so many of us grew up in lands lorded over by junior high hoops and ceramic gnomes), allow me to get to the real meat of Big & Hairy: le sasquatch.

After botching the final seconds of the team’s first big game, Picasso Dewlap (you got that, right?) sinks deeper into a new kid depression cured only by Christmas. While visiting his coach on December 25^th--not weird at at all--Picasso Dewlap meets Ed, a, well, you know…sasquatch. A nature documentary already taught spunky Picasso Dewlap everything he needed to know about caring for sasquatches, so rather than waste time learning the language of roars, Picasso Dewlap does what any wise 12-year-old would do and enrolls him in school so that Ed can play on the all-important basketball team.

As one would expect, such a revolutionary move causes an incredibly minor local stir. So minor in fact that a quick board meeting validates Ed’s player status, although his inclusion means Picasso has to quite the team because really, a sasquatch is a way better point guard than a whiny new kid with a gay dad.

I’m sorry, that came out wrong. But yes, Picasso’s dad is adoringly gay, even if he happens to be married to a woman. I don’t mean this offensively in the least: Waltons and It actor Richard Thomas hams up his role as the premiere lawn ornament designer in a way a grown man wearing one earring and a pink poncho can. It’s actually the film’s highlight, an in no way do I mean 'gay' as anything negative. It's just kind of impossible to believe this character as played how he is enjoys having sex with his wife.

But still: sasquatch > Richard Thomas as a closeted lawn ornament designer, so we shall move on.

Ed is, of course, a basketball prodigy, mostly because he’s 3 feet taller than his opponents and three species stronger. The town rejoices as his team begins to dominate the league, until, for whatever reason, the fickle peasants grow weary of his antics.

Let me say this again: THE PEOPLE IN THIS DULL ISLAND TOWN GOT BORED WITH A SASQUATCH PLAYING BASKETBALL.

People, seriously: I live in New York City, a place internationally known as one of the world’s most interesting locales. On any given night, I could attend major league baseball, see a mummy, watch the Westminster dog show, march in a gay pride parade, sit down for a burlesque performance, philosophize with the homeless, give a quarter to a subway Mariachi band, ride a roller coaster, savor a beer tasting, see a silent film revival, Occupy Wall Street, take a cruise, eat at a chocolate fair, steal a banana from the craft service table for Law & Order: SVU, swing on a trapeze, or get recruited by a Scientologist. I have karaoked with self-proclaimed former rock stars in dive bars, played fetch with Famke Jansen’s Boston Terrier at a dog run, and seen Hugh Jackman do high kicks on Broadway (twice) and let me tell you something: every one of those things is less interesting than WATCHING A SASQUATCH PLAY BASKETBALL.

This is why I could never be a politician: I just don’t get the masses.

As his spectators get bored, Ed develops the flu while Picasso learns that it was wrong to use Ed to make friends, since Ed was his real friend the whole time. Note that this is clearly meant to be a major lesson of the film (there’s a family guide with leading questions and everything) but never did Picasso show any sign of NOT being Ed’s friend. Ed was cool, it helped other kids not hate Picasso, and now Ed doesn’t feel well. Somehow we should learn something from this, and despite the fact that I’m a good 20 years older than the target audience of Big & Hairy, I suddenly just don’t feel too smart.

Thankfully the movie adds more sasquatches, and my existential dilemma ends because, you know, the only thing better than a sasquatch playing basketball is more sasquatches. Ed meets up with his parents and brings them to the final Big Game, where Picasso resumes his old position and Ed’s parents take up the vital role of naked cheerleaders. Happiness ensues, the cast celebrates in a local bar, and every main actor gets to awkwardly dance to calypso music for their big credit.

As you do.

High Notes

Once Ed’s charms help Picasso land some friends, the kids have a positively charming Be Kind Rewind-esque play scene where they don garbage cans, earmuffs, and paper towel rolls to play some Star Wars fun (and yes, Ed naturally takes on the role of Chewie). It’s actually quite adorable

Low Notes
I find it hard to identify with any local populace that gets bored WATCHING A SASQUATCH PLAY BASKETBALL

Lessons Learned

There aren’t that many opportunities for ceramic lawn ornament designers

Island boys don’t choke

Chekhov's law of overpowering hair dryers: once you introduce one, you damn better well turn that button to max later in the film

The Winning Line

“When I get in the “Oh” zone, I’m unstoppable.”

Yes, this line is spoken by a 12-year-old regarding his basketball prowess and yes, you should be as unsettled by its implications as I am

Soundtrack Strangeness

The Greatest Thing That Has Ever Happened In the History of Cinema occurs around the hour mark, when Picasso and Ed attend the school’s Valentine dance. My ears perked up as one of my very own karaoke standards started to play, inspiring images of Converse sneakers and big socks in heels toe tapping away in full 1981 Kevin Bacon greased glory. How did Big & Hairy get the rights to Footloose, I wondered aloud only to be answered promptly by the lyrics: “Kick up the shoes and turn around/it’s time you want to dance with me.”

What the…it can’t…they didn’t…THEY DID!

Like a squarer Vanilla Ice with quieter audio, someone involved in this production took Kenny Loggins’ crowning work and rearranged it JUST slightly enough to not, I imagine, be a sue-able offense. I naturally watched the full credit reel for Big & Hairy to see what clever musical maven could do such a thing, only to be disappointed with one single song credit (“Stuck In the Middle With You,” which is an odd scene involving Picasso dancing between his parents that I’d rather not discuss) and no acknowledgment whatsoever that Big & Hairy featured ANY other music, much less A REARRANGED VERSION OF FOOTLOOSE.

Greatest. Thing. Ever.

Standard Animals Doing Human Stuff Trope Checklist

New Kid In Town: Check

Recent Dead or Divorced Parent: X

Montage: Check

New Friendship: Check

Potentially Inappropriate ‘Friendship’ Between Child & Unrelated Adult: Check

Evil Corporate Enemy: Check

Original Song: Well, “Shoes Off” is kind of special, so heck yes

Bully Comeuppance: Check

Small Town Values: Check

Back To Nature Moral: Check

Overall Score: 9/10

Now that's how you start Animals Doing Human Stuff Month!

 A-Paws-O-Meter

Pornographic title aside, Big & Hairy is a perfectly sound children’s film with nothing overtly offensive about it. The movie also has a sasquatch playing basketball, so as far as I’m concerned, it’s about 90,000,000 times better than The Artist, and THAT animal sorta doing some stuff film won THE ARFING OSCAR! The DVD includes a family discussion guide that has a quietly creepy male voice asking thematic questions about the film. I imagine these are designed to ensure your child understood the lessons of Big & Hairy, but to me, they came off more as a neighborly serial killer sorting through his victim criteria. I, have however, been known to overthink such matters in the past.