Spoiler Alert That the Title Is Not a Spoiler Alert

Sometimes you quickly pick a movie to start your warning and after the two minutes of Amazon commercials, decide it's too late to turn back...even after you see the WWE Studios logo.

Quick Plot: Two very attractive people on a road trip stop for the night to have carefully positioned sex in a dumpy motel. One of them is unnamed but played by Luke Evans, while the other is named Betty. They have some kind of confusingly quiet passion that involves Luke Evans loving another woman and Betty whispering about it.

Nearby, a gang of incredibly stupid thieves begin to rob a large house when the owners show up unexpectedly. Hotheaded Flynn wastes no time shooting them up, much to the chagrin of leader Hoag (the always welcome Lee Tergesen). Later that night, they bump into Betty and Luke Evans at a dive bar. Flynn senses a payday and runs them off the road in the hopes of torturing out some bank passwords. Little does he know what he's gotten his team into.

Turns out, Luke Evans is not just a handsome but quiet lover: he's a cartoon slasher. 

We're talking rip off a guy's ear, stab you with a clipboard, stow away in a giant corpse villain. We don't know why he does what he does, but he's quite good at it. Side hobby? Kidnapping pretty young women to play mind games in the hopes of Stockholm Syndroming them into falling in love/ Or fighting love and wanting independence?

Don't think too hard about this. It will just hurt. 

No One Lives was directed by the very dynamic Ryuhei Kitamura, whose gonzo Battlefield Baseball was a blast (American horror fans would probably know him better for the meh Midnight Meat Train). For me, No One Lives falls somewhere in between. 

I didn't enjoy this movie in the least. BUT, for what it's trying to do, I can't say it doesn't entirely succeed. 

Luke Evans is a star. Classically trained, exceedingly handsome, and boasting of film charisma, he takes No One Lives a very long way to feeling like a real movie. I didn't like the tone Kitamura went for, but I can't say the movie doesn't find it quickly and keep the energy up throughout. 

The characters are stupid. Their actions, pretty senseless. Aside from wrestler Tyrus in a small role, No One Lives doesn't necessarily feel like it should come off as a WWE production except, well, it definitely does. The dialogue might have been written by locking a dozen teenagers in a basement with a copy of Playboy, Nietzsche, and Final Draft. 

For me, that wasn't an enjoyable thing. But if it's YOUR thing, then you'll probably enjoy this movie.

High Points

2012 feels a little late in the torture porn cycle for this level of gore, but if that's what you're looking for, I can't say No One Lives does it poorly

Low Points

Sigh. I'm not generally expecting great dialogue from anything that has the WWE Studios logo on it (though maybe I should since Mike Flanagan's Oculus somehow fits that bill) but let's be very clear: when all of your characters (including the ladies) constantly refer to every female onscreen as a b*tch, you've told me everything I need to know about how the production feels about women

Lessons Learned

A team player and total sociopath are easily confused

If you want to be respected, join a book club

The worst thing about the common criminal is that he's mediocre

Rent/Bury/Buy

No One Lives is a very silly movie that certainly doesn't lack enthusiasm. Watch the trailer to see if it's right for you. 

Second Time's the Charm Collection

Like many horror fans, I considered 2009's The Collector a mediocre Saw cash-in, better than some (oh hai Captive) but still fairly unspectacular or worth another moment's thought. Mostly, I was just annoyed that anytime I spoke about William Wyler's outstanding adaptation of John Fowles' novel, I'd have to first preface it with "the 1965 kidnapping film, not the torture porny one." Think of all that wasted breath! It's enough to make a gal never even consider seeing what seemed like an extremely unnecessary sequel.

Yet here we are. Funny how that works...

Quick Plot: Following the events of The Collector, news of that film's brutal (and handy) serial kidnapper/killer has spread throughout town, rendering overprotective parents even more justifiably overprotective now that the world's smartest psychopath is a known fugitive. Poor Arkin (Josh Stewart), last seen being re-abducted, has finally escaped the clutches of Jigsaw--er, The Collector. Unfortunately for the locksmith-turned-would-be-jewel-theif, there's a price to pay.

Arkin, you see, is the only living witness to The Collector's latest game: slaughtering the entire patronage of a happening club via an insanely cool opening scene that involves a ceiling lawn mower and man-crushing elevator.

It's seriously kickass.

The only other survivor is a young rich girl named Elena, who escaped a few killer gadgets only to end up inside The Collector's House of Leaves-esque funhouse. While there, she just might encounter the following:

-tarantulas

-iron maidens

-human test tube displays a la The Cell

-bombs

-a zombified army of fellow kidnappees who have been drugged and tortured into 28 Days Later-ish states of pure psychotic fury

-lots of character actors who were on HBO dramas.

All of these things, as you might guess, are insanely amazing.

Elena's father recruits a team of bait--er, mercenaries-- to follow the trail of the elusive killer and retrieve his pixie cut little girl. Following the usual plot logic of sequels like The Descent 2, we accept the fairly ridiculous fact that Arkin would agree to join them in order to avoid a prison sentence (because rich dads can buy pardons, didn't you know?) and simply sit back to watch the highly trained elite team die terrible horrible no good very bad deaths.

BUBBLES!

Written and directed by returning filmmaker (and a Saw IV-3D writer) Marcus Dunstan, The Collection wastes none of its brief running time. We get a batch of characters put in mortal danger, and a few spunkier ones with a fighting chance to survive. The film slows down briefly to drop hints about what else entertains its masked killer (including a creepy girl-woman who somehow avoids torture by being creepy) but simply refuses to bog itself down in exposition or backstory. As a result, we're treated to a quick, scary, creative and occasionally, very funny improvement upon its standard first installment.

High Points

Between the bomb-detonated necklaces, bone-crushing elevator, security system tarantulas and pseudo-zombie army, The Collection's batch of menaces seems to come out of a bottomless Santa Claus sack filled with magic horror movie tricks

Low Points

Chekhov’s Law of Hearing Aids is tragically ignored, as despite one scene of minor tension, the fact that the film's lead is indebted to a very fragile piece of technology is never really utilized

The Jury's Out

Less than 90 minutes long, I have to assume The Collection's credits sequence--in which all the speaking roles get a highlighted screencap freezing on their bloody and gruesome deaths--was inserted to pad the running time. It's a bizarre choice that takes the film's last few beats into pure comedy territory (observe one actor's credit displayed over a splat of body parts and blood). I can't tell if it's silly or brilliant.

Lessons Learned

Don't go clubbing. Ever.

In a pinch, it's possible to unlock a rusty suitcase hinge using a bra

Split up. Seriously, if you want to DIE a BRUTAL AND HORRIBLE DEATH, just split up

Having a rich dad might not prevent your boyfriend from cheating on you, but it sure comes in handy when you're kidnapped by a supergenius psychopath

Rent/Bury/Buy

There's no question that horror fans should check out The Collection. Perhaps the more complicated issue involves whether one should first see The Collector (not the Terence Stamp one; one should ALWAYS see the Terence Stamp one). Much like the Saw series, the second film does indeed depend on the story and characters from the first. While I found the first entry to be too mean-spirited and mediocre, it apparently has a strong  enough fanbase. So who knows, you might like it. Regardless, I'd find it pretty hard to believe you wouldn't enjoy The Collection.