Spoiler Alert That the Title Is Not a Spoiler Alert

Sometimes you quickly pick a movie to start your warning and after the two minutes of Amazon commercials, decide it's too late to turn back...even after you see the WWE Studios logo.

Quick Plot: Two very attractive people on a road trip stop for the night to have carefully positioned sex in a dumpy motel. One of them is unnamed but played by Luke Evans, while the other is named Betty. They have some kind of confusingly quiet passion that involves Luke Evans loving another woman and Betty whispering about it.

Nearby, a gang of incredibly stupid thieves begin to rob a large house when the owners show up unexpectedly. Hotheaded Flynn wastes no time shooting them up, much to the chagrin of leader Hoag (the always welcome Lee Tergesen). Later that night, they bump into Betty and Luke Evans at a dive bar. Flynn senses a payday and runs them off the road in the hopes of torturing out some bank passwords. Little does he know what he's gotten his team into.

Turns out, Luke Evans is not just a handsome but quiet lover: he's a cartoon slasher. 

We're talking rip off a guy's ear, stab you with a clipboard, stow away in a giant corpse villain. We don't know why he does what he does, but he's quite good at it. Side hobby? Kidnapping pretty young women to play mind games in the hopes of Stockholm Syndroming them into falling in love/ Or fighting love and wanting independence?

Don't think too hard about this. It will just hurt. 

No One Lives was directed by the very dynamic Ryuhei Kitamura, whose gonzo Battlefield Baseball was a blast (American horror fans would probably know him better for the meh Midnight Meat Train). For me, No One Lives falls somewhere in between. 

I didn't enjoy this movie in the least. BUT, for what it's trying to do, I can't say it doesn't entirely succeed. 

Luke Evans is a star. Classically trained, exceedingly handsome, and boasting of film charisma, he takes No One Lives a very long way to feeling like a real movie. I didn't like the tone Kitamura went for, but I can't say the movie doesn't find it quickly and keep the energy up throughout. 

The characters are stupid. Their actions, pretty senseless. Aside from wrestler Tyrus in a small role, No One Lives doesn't necessarily feel like it should come off as a WWE production except, well, it definitely does. The dialogue might have been written by locking a dozen teenagers in a basement with a copy of Playboy, Nietzsche, and Final Draft. 

For me, that wasn't an enjoyable thing. But if it's YOUR thing, then you'll probably enjoy this movie.

High Points

2012 feels a little late in the torture porn cycle for this level of gore, but if that's what you're looking for, I can't say No One Lives does it poorly

Low Points

Sigh. I'm not generally expecting great dialogue from anything that has the WWE Studios logo on it (though maybe I should since Mike Flanagan's Oculus somehow fits that bill) but let's be very clear: when all of your characters (including the ladies) constantly refer to every female onscreen as a b*tch, you've told me everything I need to know about how the production feels about women

Lessons Learned

A team player and total sociopath are easily confused

If you want to be respected, join a book club

The worst thing about the common criminal is that he's mediocre

Rent/Bury/Buy

No One Lives is a very silly movie that certainly doesn't lack enthusiasm. Watch the trailer to see if it's right for you. 

Keep the River (of Blood) On Your Right

I have a soft spot for horror movies about pretty, awful (meaning both physically pretty and morally awful) people fighting for their lives in beautiful jungles. River of Blood, could your premise be more me?

Quick Plot: Somewhere in southeast Asia (for some reason, that's as specific as we get), white men are plowing down some trees when much more athletic natives take them down. 

It's a river of blood!

Nearby, two attractive couples are enjoying their vacation breakfast at a luxury resort before heading out for a boat -- excuse me, kayak -- excursion with tour guide Nick. Ritchie has just sold his company and is eager to lord it over the bitter Ajay. Ajay is having an affair with Ritchie's wife Jasmine and is eager to keep it quiet so he can hold onto his job working for his wife Maya's father. 

Do all attractive person friendships involve so much backstabbing and bitterness? Or is this just a White Lotus effect?

The couples embark down the river under Nick's guidance with strict warnings about the dangers of the nearby cannibal tribes, who not only hunt outsiders, but do so in a slow, terrorizing way to keep their prey alive for training purposes. 

You can guess where it goes from here. 

Written by Tom Boyle and directed by Howard J. Ford, River of Blood is a tricky sort of film. Much like Ford's The Ledge and The Dead series, it's shot beautifully and seems to have great reverence for just how powerful its setting is on film. As an actual viewing experience, it's quite lovely to look at.

The characters, on the other hand, are pretty darn challenging. 

From a performance perspective, everyone is doing their job. But couldn't their blueprint be better?

Louis James's Ajay is one of the most insufferable characters I've seen onscreen in quite a while. Again, the acting is FINE. But why do I have to watch him play THIS PERSON? 

I know what you're thinking: so we can root for him to experience a ridiculously elaborate and painful death. Well...

SPOILER ALERT

One of the strange things about River of Blood is the actual pacing of its latter half. We expect our quintet to start shrinking til we keep a final girl or two, but instead, for all the buildup of how this tribe plays with its prey, we get two fairly quick, low tension kills and one dramatic self-sacrifice that doesn't add up when you do the fight math. 

There's something slightly admirable about River of Blood ending with an otherwise irredeemable (and always insufferable) character making a selfless decision. But this movie isn't really complex enough to make that hit. I spend 88 minutes hating Ajay and powering through the action knowing that surely, he'd get a violent comeuppance. Instead, he makes a noble decision that has that-Titanic-raft-could-have-held-Jack logic to it and we barely see him suffer. Come on!

High Points

Did I mention that River of Blood looks really, really good?

Low Points

Did I mention that the characters in River of Blood are incredibly unlikable?

Lessons Learned

Karma means that even if you can't find a bowl of rice in the jungle, if you're a horrible person, your cell phone can be dried out just in time to reveal your secrets

Blond hair does incredibly well in humid southeast Asian jungles

Baby pythons are harmless and also rather adorable

Rent/Bury/Buy

I watched most of River of Blood on an elliptical machine at the gym, because few things are more motivating for a workout than a movie where fairly fit people are put to a physical test to not be eaten (my fear of cannibals is merited because I'm fairly certain my foodie appetite means that I would be absolutely delicious). As that kind of watch, this was entertaining. It's also frustrating, especially being now the fourth Ford film I've seen where I've found myself wishing it focused on characters that weren't so stomach turning. Make of that what you will! The movie is streaming on Amazon Prime. 

I Thaw the Thaw

Remember when there was basic cable, and then slightly fancier cable channels, and then REALLY gourmand stuff like HBO? And then those became artifacts because the world turned to slightly fancier cable channels to Netflix or Hulu or Amazon Prime? Well are you ready to now know that it's not even Amazon Prime anymore, but Prime, or MGM+, or something called Howdy?

Yeah, I don't know what it is either, but I had a 7-day test run so why not watch one of its titles before catching the email reminder I set for myself to cancel?

Quick Plot: After a cold open where Val Kilmer reads to us from his journal, the credits give us a Dawn of the Dead 2004-style montage (sans Johnny Cash) of the world on decline due to global warming and bioterrorism. Is this the end of times?

Just just yet. Up in the Canadian arctic, Dr. David Kruipen is doing field studies with his team, waiting on the arrival of a few college students and his estranged daughter Evelyn. When the untimely death of a polar bear leads to the discovery of a near-the-surface wooly mammoth, David freaks out. Some kind of parasite is lurking just under that ancient skin, and it's not here to make friends. 

David tries to cancel the school trip but it's too late. Evelyn hitches a ride with pilot Bart and students Ling, Frederico, and Atom only to arrive and find a near-empty station. The only sign of David's group is a dying Jane, David's partner. She's not looking good. 

Things get pretty The Thing-y quickly. Turns out, the polar bear and mammoth carcasses are riddled with tiny bugs that quickly reproduce and lay eggs under their targets' skin. Unable to resist a wilderness selfie, Bart is already infected, with Ling following quickly. Frederico calls in a helicopter rescue much to the protests of Evelyn and Atom, who realize their escape could lead to global infection.

I watched The Thaw on a lazy Sunday morning with fairly low expectations.  It came out during Val Kilmer's unremarkable straight-to-streaming era from a writer/director (Mark A. Lewis) with a pretty skim resume. Also, it was streaming on Howdy, which I will continue to say, whatever that is. 

Imagine my glee at realizing The Thaw was okay! Sure, the bugs are as CGI as you'd imagine from a lowish budget Canadian sci-fi horror of the late aughts, but Lewis wisely doesn't lean too hard on these critters as its main source of terror. There's some pretty gnarly, possible practical effects showing the actual eggs and bites that are far more horrifying. 

Perhaps more importantly, The Thaw has a very clear point of view. Yes, its global warming stance is pretty heavy-handed but...you know, we're 17 years removed and it's not like things have gotten better. There are worse things a horror filmmaker can be than politically charged about a genuine environmental concern and how society continues to ignore it. 

High Points

Having seen my share of these kinds of movies, I assumed that Evelyn was being set up as the prissy spoiled teen ill-equipped for the arctic. Between the writing and Martha MacIsaac's performance, it was refreshing for her to quickly reveal more layers. Yes, Evelyn has what it takes to be a physically strong and clever final girl, but we also get to see a surprisingly rich understanding of how she sees the world, one that actually informs the overall theme

Low Points

I can understand the thought process of having hot young people in your movie for the sake of, you know, hot young people, but aside from Evelyn and a little bit of Atom's quick backstory, it feels like The Thaw might have worked better sticking with the adult characters

Lessons Learned

An phobia is something you have since you're a kid

Nothing is worse than still hating your dad after he dies

You can't just chop off body parts

Rent/Bury/Buy

Look, I'm not suggesting anyone should pay for Howdy or risk a free trial and forget to cancel, but I would certainly recommend The Thaw for, you know, a lazy Sunday morning. It's not necessarily a hidden gem, but for 94 minutes, I was mostly entertained.