Last February, loyal readers might remember how we lowered the ceiling of the Doll’s House for the First (Now) Annual Attack of the Vertically Challenged Villains. Never one to back down from creating a tradition, I hereby cut the ribbon on 2012’s entrance into all things little. There will be…
Short people!
Shrunken people!
Fire people!
Mollusks!
Teenagers before their growth spurt!
Um, these things!
Will we discover something as jaw-dropping as last year’s abominably awesome Unborn Sins? Who will win the prestigious 2012 Golden Lifts Award For Excellence Under Average Height? Will there be possession by dwarf? Impregnation by angry spirits of Native American medicine men? Attacks in kink clubs by phallic shaped blood gnomes? Or more likely, will we be watching fading A-list stars like Renee Zellwegger and Kevin Costner fight their very own demon spawn?
Whether human or puppet or demon fetus, this month is sure to bring out the baddest in the most petite. Readers with their own blogs are encouraged to spread The Shortening around and send me their links to movies featuring things under 5’2. How else can we little people expect to take over the world and finally make “Ankle” the standard length for jeans on sale at the Gap?
Stop by tomorrow for the first induction, one that’s sure to get between you and your Calvin Kleins if you catch my drift (or something). Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s February 1st, meaning I’m currently celebrating the very first year anniversary of my 29th birthday. I can think of no better way to ring in a new decade (wait, I mean…second year of being 29) than to open a classy corked bottle of Ommegang beer, order nachos delivered to my doorstep, and pop in the one and only killer kid classic, Bloody Birthday.
Cheers.
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