Say Yes to the Pink Dress

Like a batch of movies from young filmmakers I’ve recently watched, Sean Byrne’s The Loved Ones is more impressive for the potential it shows than the final product.

But we can still have fun with it.

Quick Plot: Teen dream Brent is driving down the road with his good-natured dad when a bloodied naked man appears on the road. Brent swerves, hits a tree, and an ominous 6 months later title card takes us half a year and one dead parent later to the present.

Now a bit of a self-mutilating stoner, Brent gets through his days with his cute girlfriend and goofy best pal, the latter of whom is excited to take a goth girl out to the big school dance. As the day winds down, a mousy brunette named (the not mousy at all name) Lola Stone timidly asks Brent to be her date for the evening. Although he declines rather gently for a boy of his age, Brent still incurs the wrath of a very effective little outcast.

While climbing a nearby mountain with his trusty dingo, Brent is violently abducted. His loyal dog crawls home bleeding profusely and terrifying Brent’s already crazed mom and worried girlfriend. Meanwhile, Brent awakens in the home of a clearly insane Lola, her enabling father, and mysterious catatonic mother figure (named Bright Eyes) planning Lola’s very personal, very disturbing home prom.

Written and directed by first-timer Sean Byrne, The Loved Ones is an energetically fresh little slice of genre fun. Played full-force by Robin McLeavy, Lola is a unique villainess of whom we’ve never really seen before, sort of a Carrie White raised by an eager-to-please redneck with a long viewing history of rewatching The People Under the Stairs. Between her hole-in-the-head mother, potentially incestuous relationship with dad, and collection of tossed aside cannibalistic suitors, Lola is something special.

And yet, it’s all of these fascinating things about her character that ultimately makes Lola as fresh as she is frustrating. We don’t get any real backstory about her family, which would be fine if we weren’t already led to believe she was a longtime school wallflower…which means where did she keep getting her dozen past ‘dates?’ How many young men can disappear from one school district before someone notices? At just 86 minutes long, there was plenty more time to flesh out some of the more nagging questions.

That being said, The Loved Ones is also quite punk rock and perhaps that style in itself justifies the quick running time and unanswered questions. We don’t know why Lola’s father would aide her in these violent schemes, just like we don’t know what his wife did to incur a home lobotomy. Maybe that’s fine: by not filling in some of the blanks, Byrne leaves us wanting to know more about the monsters we barely met. 

Other supporting characters, like Brent’s pal’s dark-natured date, are entertaining on their own before subtle hints reveal their true importance in the overarching narrative. When you combine that kind of approach with, say, Brent’s opening accident (which served the story a bit but more importantly, gave his character a very specific place to start) you start to see how Byrne’s approach to a good ol’ fashioned torture film is actually incredibly new.

I think I’m talking myself into liking The Loved Ones a lot more than I did while watching it. This is not to say it’s not a fun film—from a scratchy catfight to tree climb, The Loved Ones is busting with genuine laughs and scares—but some of its plotting issues did affect my enjoyment during the running time. That being said, I had a good time with the characters (heroes AND villains), felt sad at some deaths, chuckled inappropriately at well-staged black humor, and even enjoyed the deliberate soundtrack choices. It’s a prom date done right.

High Notes

Though I would have preferred a little more delving into the psychosis of Lola, the rest of the teenage characters are surprisingly likable in a funny and three dimensional kind of way that should be far more common to this genre

Low Notes

The more I think about Lola’s character, the more The Loved Ones starts to unravel

Lessons Learned

Razorblade necklaces may seem like an accident waiting to happen, but they can also come in handy when your evening involves abduction

In a pinch, the bodies of a few rotting cannibals will make for a smelly, but suitable ladder

When the principal tells you not to get down and dirty inside a school gymnasium, the parameters generally extend to all of school property

Rent/Bury/Buy

The Loved Ones picked up a strong following from film festival showings a few years back, and though it doesn’t necessarily meet its hype, it’s a good and most importantly, NEW little genre film made by a fresh young presence. Byrne’s script and style are clearly his own, and the mix of horror and comedy is something rarely handled so well in a debut. I don’t know that I’ll revisit this particular film anytime soon, but I’ll certainly be on the watch for whatever he does next.

Prom Night, Prom Night, First Crown I Smash Tonight

Prom Night, for all its Leslie Nielsenness and Jamie Lee Curtis disco, is not a very good film. Its 1986 followup, however, has achieved a farily positive reputation, at least based on the cool cats in my movie nerd circle (most of whom, I assume, spent their senior prom home watching parts 3 & 4 while I spilled chicken all over my puffy sun orange gown while closing the night out with ‘N Sync’s Bye Bye Bye).

Time to put those nerds to the test. Otherwise, there will be wedgies.

Quick Plot: In 1957, slutty prom queen Mary Lou dies just before being crowned in front of her gawking classmates, among them her piece-on-the-side badboy lover (turned priest as an adult) and cuckolded rich boyfriend who unleashes a deadly stinkbomb and later, grows into a sexy bespectacled Michael Ironside.

Flashing forward thirty years, the Ironside is now the high school principal whose son is dating good girl Vicki, a big-haired, doe-eyed blond who for whatever reason (that somehow involves the desecration of a prom crown), ends up occasionally possessed by the flaky ghost of Mary Lou. Along the way, artistic puffy pants wearing students get strangled by prom capes, dopy fathers get kissed by their teenaged daughters, and hairspray is wildly abused by men and women with equal opportunity. The ‘80s were indeed a time for pioneers.

I thought I’d have more to say about Prom Night II, but really, it’s the kind of slightly self-aware ‘80s slasher that speaks for itself. High school students are stereotyped and killed in adorably silly styles. A good girl plays dirty in ways that would make Hannah Montana raise her eyebrows (and then take notes). The effects are gooey and gorgeous and at the end of the day, the nerds prevail.

High Points

Any film that culminates in an epic prom scene featuring crushed blue velvet AND lasers is automatically going to get at least four stars from my galaxy

Low Points

Honestly, there’s not much to NOT *like* about the movie, but I suppose one could just want the whole story to take a few steps further towards trashiness

Lessons Learned

Tutti Fruiti is a REALLY long song

Stink bombs + satin = bad times

The potato is rich in AM, FM, and carbohydrates

In order to avoid overloading your bedroom with its equestrian theme, balance those posters of stallions and carousel horses with classier fare, like Picasso’s Guernica

Rent/Bury/Buy

Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II is a darn good party film, one busting with ridiculous ‘80s style--and I’m not just talking about crimped hair and mismatched earrings. It’s a goofy bowl of punch that won’t come near scaring you, but it probably beats any high school dance you ever attended.

What Goes Best With a Tux? Flesh Eating Bacteria, That’s What!

Cabin Fever was one of the oddest theatrical releases of the early 21st century, an overexcited, occasionally refreshing and often annoying mix of over-the-top gore, crass comedy, ‘80s homage, and pancakes. Perhaps then it’s only fitting that its sequel comes with a bucket of offscreen controversy and onscreen sloppiness.

In case you didn’t have your hopefully still attached ear to the horror news networks these past few months, Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever was directed (near completely) by House of the Devil  golden boy Ti West, who pleaded fruitlessly to have his name removed from the credits. Word on the virtual street is that West disagreed with producers over the final cut during the post-production process, eventually stepping away from the project and letting the Powers That Be Lionsgate finish the film as they saw fit.

It shows.

Quick Plot: Top-billed Rider Strong reprises his quickly rotting role as he flees the titular cabin and gets splattered by an early morning school bus. Familiar local cop Winston (Guiseppe Andrews) misdiagnoses the gunk as moose and an animated credits reel reveal the town water soon to be bottled is infected by that same flesh-eating virus that tore through many pretty people in Eli Roth’s original.

We quickly move on to typical high school politics, where smart senior John (Deadgirl ’s jerk Noah Segan, still traveling via bicycle) pines for pretty, popular, and recently-broken-up-from-her-samurai-wannabe-psycho-boyfriend Cassie while chubby pal Alex smoothly enjoys a quickie--real quickie--from a randomly easy classmate. A frog dissection and near suspension later, it’s prom night (cue the song! seriously) and the high school’s a’hoppin’ with a disco beat.

If you’ve heard anything about Cabin Fever 2, it’s probably that this is not the film to watch while eating nachos. See, there’s a lot of blood, and guts, and viral warts on private parts, and bloodier semen than Wilhem Dafoe’s Antichrist  climax. That being said, it’s also really not that...well...disturbing.

Or particularly good.

As the school dance kicks in, Cabin Fever 2 kicks into gear with a gymnasium-full viral spread that starts with a poisoned water, infected urine-spiced punch bowl. An awkward sex scene between the prom king and token obese outcast in a pool seems only to hint at something interesting, while the dance floor erupts into a lightning fast bloodbath before the prom queen can give what was sure to be an Obama-esque speech. In almost no time (the movie is under 80 minutes, after all), we’re left with John, Cassie, Alex, and a few unexplained gun-toting officials trying to survive amid lots of gooey grossness.

Oh! And of those 80 minutes, about 28 or so are randomly assigned to Winston’s Adventures as the enigmatic, if also annoying and baffling cop hangs out with Judah Frielander and hits the road in his cousin’s van. While I enjoy the pure weirdness of Andrews’ oddball character, nothing in this storyline (if you can really call it that) ever feels in line with the rest of the film, making the many diversions to his aimless lollygagging an incredibly wasted amount of screen time with no real payoff.

On one side, we have a humorous, but also occasionally heartfelt teenage gorefest built on occasional suspense and realistically drawn characters. On the other, a simply bizarre and directionless tale of a dimwit. I kind of enjoyed the persistence Cabin Fever 2 had in NOT being your typical by the numbers sequel, but it was, much like its basis, all over the place, further scattered by a tacked-on, far too long 10 minute epilogue following a high school stripper.

I can’t really say where Ti West’s involvement ended, but the lack of a strong directorial touch in the editing finish is uncomfortably felt in the latter half of Cabin Fever 2. Honestly, I don’t know that this would be anywhere near a classic had he stayed on board throughout, but the messiness of plotting--much like the original--makes the viewing experience simply strange.

A recent article in Shock Till You Drop offered one tidbit by producer Lauren Moews explaining how fitting it was that Cabin Fever 2 was edited by the same woman responsible for several John Waters’ films, and there are indeed some similarities. West gives us plenty of gratuitously ick-heavy moments that dare the audience to look away, like a prematurely ended-by-puke lap dance or intensely detailed fingernail peel (the only one that got me wincing). There are plenty of refreshing little quirks that keep the film fun and it’s hard to argue with any movie that recycles the only great thing about Prom Night (namely, Jamie Lee Curtis’ disco tune). At the same time, it’s impossible to care about anything when the film seems so insistent on not taking itself seriously.

High Points

There’s some nifty practical effects at work, like an early diner scene featuring a blood-squirting voicebox

West tows a careful line with his high school characters, using honored archetypes but imbuing them with interesting enough spins, like the ex-boyfriend’s Japanophile quirks and John’s surprisingly refreshing honesty with his dreamgirl (not deadgirl)

Low Points

An overly headache inducing fire extinguisher attack would be impressive if we hadn’t seen it before in The Signal or Irreversible

We don’t need--or really want--a huge backstory in fluffy romp like this, but the fact that the army or FDA or FBI or whoever the men with guns and gas cans are never explained is one more missing piece in a film not fully put together

A few moments of tension are broken when you realize how ridiculous they play out. Would the soldiers--or whoever it is patrolling the school, see previous Low Point--really not hear the kids escape an empty classroom 4 seconds after exiting themselves?

Lessons Learned

William Katt’s Carrie tuxedo never goes out of style

Bitches value spite and money

If getting a touch of infected blood on your skin will infect you, then running said hand through a buzzsaw and watching the blood squirt all over your face will surely be the cure

Rent/Bury/Buy

Cabin Fever 2 is a manic viewing experience, but not completely devoid of charm. Fans of the original will probably get a kick out of it, as it shares much of the crass humor, all-out gore, and smarter-than-your-average teen sensibilities. If I believed in officially rating films, this one would fall in the negative side. I can't say I liked it (mostly because I didn't like it) but it's not a complete waste of 80 minutes, especially if you're simply too curious to let it pass you by.

Hubbub, Potpourri, Stuff 'N' Such, Thingamajigs & More!

As many of you know, the goddesses of the blogosphere have dubbed February Women In Horror Month. I've been lazy in celebrating both this theme and the more nationally recognized Black History Month in part because these 28 days would already be stuffed with such activities as the celebration of me being born, Olympic figure skating that I can't not watch, a sudden pileup of projects at work, and surviving rampages of the infected as they sprint like trainees for the 2012 summer games in London.

Also I hate women. 

And black history.

Anyway, glad I got that off my chest! Onto today's business, wherein I direct you to one woman doing her part to celebrate the ladies of horror with a daily spotlight of bloggers, writers, filmmakers and the like, all talented and all with vaginas. Rhonny Reaper of Dollar Bin Horror (a fine blog with a fantastically genius basis that focuses on bargain films) is running the Cyber Scream Queen of the Day series and on this chilly Wednesday, tis I who graces her page. You can head here to see a suggestive photo of what Kane Hodder inspired my thumb to do and read a little ol' intro/recap of myself and this here blog.

Best of all is the fact that I get to keep this:

Super because a) who doesn't love Jamie Lee? b) every gal deserves a tiara and c) it references one of the most misleading movie posters of all time. I swear I watched Prom Night purely in the hopes to see a disco dancin' Jamie Lee axe some classmates. Pah. At least it boasts this silver fox:

Sigh. Remember to follow Rhonny Reaper and check out some of the other horror hoes highlighted this month. Also, for those itching for thematics, explore some of the Blogdacious Blogs on my sidebar. Quite a few are doing their share to cover black history (notably Chuck Norris Ate My Baby and The Horror Digest) while a few more are getting all estrogeny with a feminine perspective (Fascination With Fear, Monsterland ) and some are going all-out equal opportunity and doing BLACK WOMEN IN HORROR MONTH (From Midnight With Love ). There's some great work all around, plus a lot more I probably overlooked cause I'm a terrible person.


And for those wondering when the Doll's House will get in the act, stay tuned for March. It may be a looooooooong month, but that doesn't mean it's tall. Hint hint. Hint hint.