It's the Great Squash King, Charlie Bronx!

In the three years I’ve lived here in the Bronx, I’ve managed to sustain Halloween spirit with all pumpkin latte pump(kin)ing through my bloodstream. It hasn’t always been easy, what with the lack of corn mazes and apple orchards growing across these uptown streets. But through it all, I’ve held strong.

Even when the pumpkins couldn't.

Then 2011 happened.

It started with a mini-blizzard that whitened its way through New York on Saturday, October 29th. It was unseasonable and strange and most unfortunately, would lay the wrong color on the ground for the next morning’s pumpkin festivities. My plan was to wheel my mini shopping cart to Key Food (the nearest supermarket) and grab something from the mediocre supply they’d had sitting outside since early October.

But what’s this? No pumpkins outside. I enter anyway, thinking perhaps due to the weirdly chilly weather, all those orange orbs are hanging out in the produce aisle.

They are not.

Frantic, I ask a cashier. She tells me to check Aisle 1.

The produce aisle.

Heartbroken, I move on, knowing there are two more grocery stores that SURELY house a few of Halloween’s most valuable players. 

They do not.

I despair. Yet soldier on. Mind you, there’s snow and slush on the sidewalk and I’m navigating a cheap dollar store shopping cart across the streets, wishing to Pinhead that such vehicles had a 4-wheel drive upgrade. 

Pinhead is too busy eating creampuffs to heed my call.

I enter C-Town, the rival supermarket where I once found Edy’s Slow-Churned Pumpkin Ice Cream, making me think my odds might be mildly better. 

I patrol the rows, darting my eyes over peppers, tomatoes, grapes, avocados, gourds, carrots, lettuce, pump--nope, honeydew, apples, oranges, pumpki--nope, watermelons...and no pumpkins. 

I spot a canteloupe. Consider the alternatives. Wonder...wonder if could work...

I know in my heart it cannot.

But just like Janet & Brad said, there’s a light! An orangey shimmer oozing with seeds and a hard/soft shell. A POSSIBILITY!

Squash.

Pumpkin’s cousin. FDR to Eleanor. Braveheart to Tenderheart.

It would do.

And it did. Sorta, as you can see. The only major downside--aside from, you know, CARVING HALF A SQUASH (because they’re not sold in full)--is that man...the smell ain’t nice. You can bet your pumpkin pie that you won’t find squash-scented candles or lip gloss on store shelves next fall.

But do they serve as a decent lantern? Sure. 

And by the time my Halloween costume was assembled and ready, that’s all that really mattered.

Also, squash-o-lanterns apparently get a second life in November as office supplies.

So that's something.