Mummy Madness

I’ve never been the biggest fan of mummies in horror cinema. While the subject has great potential, I’ve just never found the representation onscreen to be all that interesting and more importantly, far from scary. The glorious ridiculousness of 7 Mummies aside, it just ain’t my monster.

Naturally, I’ll keep testing that theory.

Quick Plot: In 1948, an archaeology team led by the one and only (in so many ways) Christopher Lee has just uncovered a long-lost tomb on an Egyptian expedition. Before you can give Brendan Fraser a haircut, the team falls victim to some kind of toxic wind gas that causes terribly rendered late ‘90s CGI to turn their bodies into ash or, in a more fun manner, turn parts to ash and therefore lead to a moment where Sir Christopher Lee’s torso separates from his upper half and he continues to crawl.

Fifty years later, Lee’s granddaughter, Sam Turkel, has rediscovered the dreaded cave with her own team. Among them are the always welcome Sean Pertwee as somewhat psychic named Bradley, the more money-minded Claire, and Sam’s fiancee vaguely recognizable under a spacesuit as Gerard blink-and-you’ll-miss-him Butler. Don’t blink, because he dies in a rather stupid way pretty quickly.

The cave is once again sealed, but not before a sarcophagus with some tell-tale gauze inside is found and sent to be displayed in a museum. It doesn’t take long for said artifact that I don’t feel like misspelling again emits a powerful screech, swiping key organs from a few bystanders. 

Enter no-nonsense Detective Riley (Jason Scott Lee) and his surly partner (played by Smash’s Jack Davenport, and yes I know he was also in 9000 Pirates of the Caribbean movies, but his legacy is and will always be the fascinating mess that was NBC’s two-season Smash). When a few more mysterious murders start to emerge with the same pattern, Riley suspects the now insane Bradley. 

Of course, things are never quite what they seem when an ancient Egyptian tomb is in play. Bradley gives us the scoop on Talos, the evil prince who ruled with a fury centuries earlier. Before he could be assassinated, Talos had his wife and followers eat his organs to help preserve his spirit (apparently, that’s a thing). Now that his mummy wrap has been unearthed, it’s only a matter of time until he collects enough innards to be reincarnated. 

Thusly do we get plenty of attacks via animated gauze. Pity poor writer/director Russell Mulcahy (the father of Highlander) could clearly only do so much with the cheap CGI materials afforded by his era and budget. Most of the effects--and therefore scares--are laughably digitalized to the point of comedy. At the same time, Tale of the Mummy itself isn’t terrible. The movie’s never boring, and some of the ideas behind the creature designs are quite neat. I suppose if you think of it as an early Asylum reaction to the Brendan Fraser flick, it’s more than satisfying.

High Points

One can’t argue with any cast that includes Sean Pertwee, Shelley Duvall, and the sorely missed Christopher Lee

Sorry, but I can’t not talk about one of the greatest twist endings to ever happen in a mediocre mummy movie. Turns out, out stoic male cop hero is actually an ancient Egyptian princess reincarnated in order to eventually host the evil spirit of his/her former lover. I mean, come on: that’s neat

Low Points

Seriously, is there an excuse?

Lessons Learned

Be careful: friendly stray dogs just might be evil mummy incarnates

An automobile provides no protection against real or CGI gauze

Drinking Fosters in a gay club will make you incredibly desirable to evil mummies

Rent/Bury/Buy

I watched Tales of the Mummy via Netflix, but it looks like it’s since expired. The shame is that a free stream is definitely the best (maybe only) way to catch this one. This is far from a good and even farther from a scary film, but it’s paced well and has enough wackiness to make for an enjoyable 90 minutes. 

Loony Bin? More Like a BOOBY Bin

My Netflix DVD queue has become something of a weekly grab bag. With over 300 films on the list and full access to both Instant Watch and Amazon Prime, I tend to just shuffle the rarer, harder to find or "Very Long Wait" titles to the top and let myself be surprised by what arrives in the mail. More often than not, I have no memory of adding something to that queue, possibly because in my 34 years, I've slaughtered quite a few brain cells watching, well, the kind of movies like Slaughter Hotel.

Is that such a bad thing?

Quick Plot: Welcome to Europe's sexiest mental asylum, aka a "rest home" for attractive women with lots of money, some mental issues, and very little clothes. Among the scantily clad patients are:

- a shy young woman trying to get better and counting on the help of a sexy new nurse

- a nymphomaniac who seduces the resort's gardener as a way to help her deal with being madly in love with her brother

- an unhappy wife whose brutish husband stops the car just long enough for her to exit before speeding away without a word

- a married business owner whose relationship is in question due to her newfound, totally professional, totally understandable love of her psychiatrist, played by Klaus Kinski

Yes, you are correct in immediately saying, "You know your mental hospital isn't quite the best if the doctor in charge is played by Klaus Kinski." The fact that the entire place is decorated with medieval torture devices is an additional clincher, one made even better by the presence of John Karlsen.

I know, most of you are swooning with glee, providing you paused long enough to read this in between chapters of your John Karlsen erotic fan fiction. For the few out there who don't recognize, the name or soul-piercing eyes, John Karlsen played Blossum in 1966's The Christmas That Almost Wasn't, easily one of the weirdest/greatest holiday specials to ever include a plot about Santa Claus not paying his rent and singing a not creepy at all song called "What Are Children Like When They're Wide Awake?" More fittingly, Karlsen played the English king in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. Yes, the same man who ordered that titular pair to be put in the IRON MAIDEN.

Guys. This movie has an iron maiden. And John Karlsen opens it. 

I can't adequately express how happy this makes me.

Anyway, patients and nurses are brutally slaughtered (mostly in their naked sleep) by a cloaked figure. We have boobs (many), we have blood (a fair amount), and indeed, we do have black gloves touching both. Slaughter Hotel (or any of its other more fitting titles) is indeed a giallo. A very messy, occasionally quite labia-filled one. 

Thankfully, the film and its director, genre regular Fernando Di Leo, are well aware of its shortcomings. It never feels like Slaughter Hotel is trying to do anything but shove attractive women and grisly murders in your face. You don't realize there's a mystery about the killer's identity until the final act brings in a not-so-genius plan to unmask the murderer, and even then, the reveal is less rewarding than the continued chaos and violence that comes after it. Bava, this ain't. Fun trash, it certainly is.

High Points
Between aforementioned iron maidens, ancient swords, arrows, and a handy mace, Slaughter Hotel's murders are quite a varied batch

Low Points
Oh come on. The movie is terrible. What more do you need to know?

Lessons Learned
In the 1970s, it was totally acceptable for a nurse to seduce a mental patient providing foreplay involved a two-hour bath and extended dance party

One can still shed tears after being shot in the head

When trying to trap a violent serial killer in a hospital filled with dozens of civilians, consider blocking all exits or at least hiring faster police officers so that you don't end up with another half dozen murder victims thirty seconds AFTER you've caught the serial killer

Rent/Bury/Buy
Listed as Slaughter Hotel on RareFlixx DVDs, this was a "Very Long Wait" on Netflix's DVD portal. Was it worth it? Not particularly, but if you're a giallo completist or just really like female breasts, this is certainly one to find. I found myself chuckling through most of it, so it's certainly entertaining in one way or another. 

Cyborg, Interrupted

Loyal readers may remember my utter glee at discovering a terribly entertaining straight-to-netherworld action flick called Gangland. It was an over the top thing of immense glory.

Little did I ever realize Gangland was essentially an unofficial remake/sequel to Canon's 1989's Cyborg, with Costas Mandylor and one of the guys from Step By Step step by stepping in for Jean Claude Van Damme while Vincent Klyn revived his long-haired, leather coat, no shirt, villain under a new name.

Such a discovery does not dilute my love of Gangland. I liked Cyborg well enough, so naturally, I headed to the vaults of Netflix's "Long Waits" for its very different sequel.

Quick Plot: It's 2074, and the world really digs cyborgs. Leading the industry is Pinwheel Robotics, an evil corporation way less fun than its name suggests. Pinwheel has a plan to eliminate their only rivals, the Coca-Cola to their Pepsi, Kobyashi Electronics. The plan involves sending a highly trained (in sex and combat) cyborg named Cash to Kobyashi, where she will detonate and explode all over the board of directors.

Lucky for her, Cash (young, pre-Hackers Angelina Jolie) has a fairy godfather of the television sort in Mercy, voiced with the luscious scene chewing lips of the one and only Jack Palance. Mercy can hop into different electronic devices to communicate and gives Cash and her human trainer-turned-lover-turned-best-named-character-ever Colton Ricks plenty of help in escaping. It's no Gibson Rickenbacker , but you have to give the Cyborg series credit for having fun with its characters' names.

Side note: Colton is played by a pre-Casey Jones, still Not Chris Meloni Elias Koteas.

Pinwheel's CEO dispatches an insane bounty hunter to retrieve Cash. Enter Billy "I've Never Been In a Good Movie But I've Sure Do Work A Lot" Drago in all his slithery glory, soon to be followed by a rival female cyborg bounty hunter. I haven't even reached the Koteas vs. Drago Mortal Kombat match that determines who gets to sail away to Africa!

As you can probably guess, Cyborg 2 isn't The Godfather: Part 2, but it sure is fun. Director Michel Schroeder keeps things moving, slowing down only for your token overly emotional soft focus love scene. The action is passable and has some fun twists. The cast ranges from fine (Jolie and Koteas) to hammily enjoyable (Drago) to glorious (Oscar winner Palance). You might think you know what it means to watch movies, but let's face it: you've never really lived as an audience member until you've heard Jack Palance aggressively whisper the word, "Cyyyyyyyyborg!"

High Point to follow:

High Points

Just one year after his triumphant, one-arm-push-up celebratory City Slickers Oscar acceptance, Jack Palance plays a cyborg. That in itself is special, but the relish with which he speaks every line is precious

Low Points

It’s hard to fault a film for being too earnest, but maybe after the glory of Gangland, I just wanted a little more goof and less romance to end all time

Lessons Learned

There are worse things than cyborg envy, among them, human envy and penis envy (and most likely, cyborg penis envy)

Infections can cause complications

In addition to sex and fighting, cyborgs are also very talented at knitting scarves

Because Any Excuse To Discuss the Ann-Margret Period Sheet Episode of Law & Order: SVU Will Not Be Missed

Our coda (SPOILER ALERT) gives us a bittersweet sendoff that shows how Colt and Cash have spent decades together alone in a random square of fertile land. 

As predicted, Cash remains in her 20something hot form while Colt has aged in human years...or, more fittingly, burn victim years akin to the Mattress King in Episodee 11.18, Bedtime

Rent/Bury/Buy

Cyborg 2 won't change your worldview or cement its place in your top 10 list anytime soon, but it's a fun little ride. The film reeks of that prized early '90s action/sci-fi style so if that's your jam, this is probably your peanut butter. It's not nearly as bonkers as Canon's first Cyborg entry, but it's still enjoyable for exactly what it is. It certainly makes me eager to find Schroeder's Cyborg 3, and not just because the cast includes Malcolm McDowell, Richard Lynch, William Katt, and, um, Kato Kaelin. Review coming eventually!

Let's Call This One "Football Fan"

I like Domino’s cheesy bread because it tastes good, not because it makes me a better person. 

Similarly, I enjoy crappy horror movies like Homecoming because I’m only an okay person.

Quick Plot: Mikey was the golden boy quarterback of his small Pennsylvania home town. Now a freshman with a full ride but bench duty at Northwestern, he returns home for the titular weekend where his jersey number will be retired in a glamorous school ceremony.

Naturally, Mikey brings his new-but-pretty-serious girlfriend Elizabeth to meet his family and loyal subjects. The only complication waiting for him is that Shelby, his high school sweetheart, never quite accepted the fact that their relationship ended when he went off to college and she stayed home to nurse her dying mother and run the family bowling alley.

As played by wide-eyed mannequin Mischa Barton, Shelby isn't quite right. She's run into deep financial problems but has been spending far more energy convincing herself that Mikey is still madly in love with her. Naturally, she's not thrilled to meet Elizabeth. Even more naturally, she's quite thrilled when she accidentally runs her new rival down on the side of an empty road, dragging the young woman back to her isolated house and "nursing" her back to health with all the medical skills of Annie Wilkes.

Guys, Homecoming isn't good, but by no means does that imply it's not enjoyable. Barton is way out of her league in playing a damaged obsessive. On one hand, it's clear that she's trying. On the other, there's just not enough there to have that effort produce anything. That in itself is weirdly entertaining.

Matching her skills is Mikey and everyone around him's complete idiocy. This is the kind of movie where a character realizes something terrible has happened, and rather than run into a packed room filled with everyone in town to say, "hey guys, can someone call the cops and someone else give me a ride because my girlfriend has been kidnapped by a madwoman," runs away from said room without a word and trudges several miles to the lair of a violent potential murderer with no neighbors or any other form of help. It's a thing of beauty it is.

Other such highlights:

-the fact that it takes two able-bodied people (one a star athlete) to defeat an ever wilting Mischa Barton

-the glorious way the camera turns a giant undercooked ham into some sort of magical power source, perhaps explaining the aforementioned point

-that the town's only police officer is played by Final Destination 2's police officer as if during the many near-death experiences, he also suffered multiple counts of brain damage

-that Shelby would hide her tokens of (maybe) murdering her sick mom in the toilet (which as Burlesque taught us, is the first place anyone should look when searching a home) and that said tokens include a page printed from the Internet with the title "Poisonous Plants" and that just in case you didn't see it, the words "Poisonous Plants" are circled

Yes folks, it's that kind of movie. And sometimes, that's a great thing.

High Points

Um. The ham sandwich?

Low Points

Aside from this just not being that good a movie, the treatment of time (as in, you're an 18 year old who's been in college for no more than three months, but seem to have met the girl you're going to marry) is a tad questionable

Lessons Learned

In small towns with no cell service, cops use their police cars for social activities like fishing

Getting your intended's parents to like you is a key element in the courting ritual

Women hate making bad impressions

Rent/Bury/Buy

Homecoming is streaming on Amazon Prime, which is probably the only way you should watch it. This isn't, you know, "good," but it's fun if you, like me, sometimes find yourself in a very particular mood for a crappy but not boring modern thriller. Don't give it money, but it just might be worth 90 minutes of time (especially if that time is co-opted on other matters like folding laundry or trimming your cat's claws).

Kids Today & Their Darned Hashbrowns

When a movie scrolls through Instant Watch with a title like #Horror, my expectations are not high. While many of the recent social media-themed genre flicks have proven to be quite good, this one...well, this one is titled #Horror.

Never judge a movie by its titular characters.

Quick Plot: A gaggle of 12 year old girls are having a slumber party hosted by the richest and blondest of the bunch, Sofia. Sofia's father is a modern art dealer who has furnished his unique mansion with an assortment of odd pieces, including gloriously flaky wife Chloe Sevigny.

Permission to be cool has been granted.
The house itself is also a piece of modern art history, having hosted a murder spree by a Andy Warhol protogee in the '60s. Naturally, it seems to be repeating its past as a mysterious killer starts taking out some of the wealthy visitors, constantly posting crime scene photos on some kind of Candy Crush-hued social media site.

That description probably makes #Horror sound like just about 85% of the movies currently streaming on Netflix Instant right now, but boy is it not. More Heathers than Hell Night, #Horror's interests lie in the dynamics of preteen female frenemyship, not a masked killer making his mark. Writer/director Tara Subkoff clearly remembers what it was like to be 12, that dangerous age where the desire to be cool could easily slaughter one’s sense of right and wrong.

This is also where many a typical horror fan may well despise #Horror. Subkoff spends more time watching the chaotic, catty interactions of its young cast trying on clothes and taking selfies than being slaughtered. A fair warning to those viewers who only watch these kinds of films for the bloodshed: you’ll probably be disappointed. For the rest of us, this is a neat, neat little flick.

Granted, I’m someone who has always been fascinated by that terrible period of teenage girldom. It’s why I was such a fan of the underrated The Sisterhood of Night, and why I’m generally always more open to any story that puts middle school females at its center. For those who were never there, being a 12 year old girl, well, pretty much sucks. Your body is changing and you can’t decide if it’s happening too fast or too slow. Boys become an entire school subject on their own. Worst of all, your friends can go from the people you trust most to the spies willing to sell you out for a better seat at the cafeteria.

Guys, don’t worry: I’m now 34 years old and happily over the horrors of the seventh grade. Then again, my generation of Tomagochi raising Generation Y-ers was still using shaky dial-up internet connections. Facebook was far, far away. Thank goodness.

In 2016, the life of a tween is different. #Horror tosses in a great deal of class wars for added measure, and while it could be alienating for many an audience member, the poor little rich girl trick works here (and not just because it gives us tons of interior design porn). There’s a genuinely real moment when the girls put away their cell phones and have what might be their first human conversation with each other, discussing their various demons (neglectful parents, eating disorders, etc.) in an honest, realistic way. Again, I doubt many a casual Netflix scroller wants that out of something sold as a slasher, but if you’re open to it, it’s well-written, well-acted, and much-needed.

High Points
Not to sound like a broken record about the value of seeing more female directors in the horror industry, but Subkoff more than supports that cry. This is a film so clearly made by a very distinct voice, and while not all of it works, it's genuinely refreshing to feel Subkoff's energy onscreen

Low Points
One character is teased to have quite a complex history, and in part because that history involves Natasha Lyonne, it's a minor quibble that we don't get more of it

Lessons Learned
A joke is only mean if the audience doesn’t laugh

Fat people exist to be funny

Eating a lot of chicken may bring on early menstruation

Rent/Bury/Buy

#Horror is almost more pop art than straightforward genre, and I for one have no problem with that. Most viewers will probably know within the first 10 minutes whether this is right for them. If you find it insufferable early on, bail out and pull up something else. There are hundreds of standard And Then There Were None-style gorefests made for the typical horror audience. For the random minority like me who always want to see a story told from a different angle, this is a treat.