Home On the Mutant Range

You watch enough veterinarian shows on Animal Planet and it's hard not to think you too can delivery healthy calves or wrap them in a blanket and rub them warm until they come back to life. Made way back in 2006, Billy O'Brien's Splinter-meets-Dr. Pol horror film reminds me that I actually have none of those skills.

Quick Plot: Dan is struggling to make ends meet on his isolated family farm. Trying to stave off the bank, he's made a dangerous deal with the devil in the from of a shady biological research company that's been experimenting on her heard. 

On a dank, muddy night (something I assume is a redudant description for Irish farmlands), he summons his vet Orla (The Babadook's Essie Davis) to help him with one of his pregnant cows. The fetus somehow manages to bite Orla, who senses something amiss and calls in her higher up for backup. 

Meanwhile, a handsome young before-they-were stars couple on the run, have parked their camper on Dan's property. Played by Sean Harris and Goddess Ruth Negga, Jamie and Mary find their ways into Dan's good graces quickly, which is handy when you're otherwise alone in your battle against evil corporate science and mutant cow parasites. 

Isolation is a small, contained film fitting of its title. Writer/director O'Brien seems well aware that a little goes a long way, especially with a presumed limited budget. The action stays on the farm and in darkly lit barns, with tight shots of the impressive practical effects. Like so many genre films of the last 20 years, I did spend a good amount of energy squinting through darkness, but it's somewhat excusable considering the setting.

Isolation kept making me think of Splinter, a similarly old school horror that centered itself on a handful of characters battling some pretty gnarly special effects. I wish Isolation had a little more of Splinter's screenplay, as the characters themselves never get enough time to truly come alive. 

High Points

We don't get to know too much about our small group of characters, but that's where casting and performance comes in hand. The camera has never loved anyone as much as it does Ruth Negga, and without much specifics, John Lynch manages to make Dan a sadly sympathetic lead

Low Points

Look, I get that there's no reason to waste electricity when money is tight, but how hard can it be to turn an extra light on when you're filming in the dark?

Lessons Learned

Maybe it's just the real-life quarantine talking, but doesn't it just seem OBVIOUS that one should avoid having sex when there's the slightest chance that you might be harboring a mysterious parasite

Rent/Bury/Buy

Isolation didn't shake my world, but it's a solid, very well-made little thriller that will satisfy your itch for some classic horror and crunchy practical effects. You can find it on Amazon Prime. 

Yub Nub With Me This Thursday Night!!!

FOLKS!

Got plans on Thursday night? OF COURSE YOU DON'T.

Well, except for now:

That's right! This Thursday the 25th, I'll be participating in a virtual Kevin Geeks Out show, where several people far smarter than me will be diving deep into the wondrous world of made-for-TV film.

Now while on any given day, I could roll onward for hours about Lifetime thrillers or cozy cardigan Hallmark movies, this event is a little more special, so much so that I'm digging deep into a movie that defined my childhood:

Best of all, all proceeds raised during the show will go to Black Lives Matter and the Equal Justice Initiative, so you can help do some good while saying, "wow, Emily REALLY loves that second Ewok movie."

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Hope to see you all there. Until then, may the yup nub be with you, now and always. 

All I Want For Christmas Is An End to the Patriarchy

Bob Clark's Black Christmas is a true genre classic, a film that I love more deeply every time I watch it. From the glory of buzzed Margot Kidder taking no crap to Olivia Hussey unapologetically planning an abortion, it's filled with wonderful women and some darn effective horror storytelling. 

It was remade as a fairly of-its-time hard-R in 2008, much to the outrage of the horror community and whaddya know! Nine years later, history repeated itself, only this time, there was an added political punch. Not only was this version made BY women, but it also had the nerve to empower them in a battle against the patriarchy.

Internet boys were mad.

Quick Plot: Welcome to Hawthorne College, a private 200 year old university with a problematic namesake and a very attractive student body.  We start just before the winter break, when sorority girl Lindsay is stabbed to death by a mysterious masked man wielding an icicle. 

The next day, Riley and her sisters begin receiving ominous text messages that seem like a bad prank. No one is surprised, since Riley had previously riled a fraternity's featthers when she accused its president of rape. Her sisters stood by her, while campus security brushed it under the rug. With the encouragement of her activist pal Kris, Riley decides to serve up some sweet vengeance by publicly calling out the college's rape culture via a Mean Girls-ish flirty Christmas number at the greek talent show.

Naturally, the boys don't take it very well, but are they angry enough to embark upon a winter break massacre? 

It's hard to go too deep into Black Christmas without giving away key plot points, so spoilers will follow. If you haven't seen the film, pause here and do so. Yes, I'm in the camp of celebrating this movie, both for its politics and execution. Say what you want: I liked it.

So obviously, yes, yes these spoiled rich white boys are murdering women who scare them because much like the Reptile Boy episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, their secret cult is founded on male toxicity. The metaphor isn't subtle, but hey...it's horror. 

Black Christmas marked the first time Blumhouse produced a female-directed horror film, something so ridiculous to have to write in 2020. Cowriters Sophia Takal (also directing) and April Wolfe clearly approached the material with ambitious goals about calling out the patriarchy and empowering women, and you know what? YES PLEASE.

Look, I know there are A LOT of horror fans, both male and female (but let's face it: mostly male) who despised 2019's Black Christmas. Most of them also hated the 2008 remake when it came out, even though they have no memory of that and will gleefully tell you how much better that version is than Takal's. 

Does Black Christmas have an agenda? Of course it does. The fact that our protagonists' most important weapon is often a set of car kids should tell you a lot, and if you don't understand, then aren't you lucky.

I loved watching this movie. I enjoyed its twists, cared deeply for its protagonists, and found myself generally both excited and involved. Its staging won't give me nightmares, but its Stepford Wives-ish undertones certainly will. 

Give me more movies like this. 

High Points

Imogen Poots brings such a strong, deep well to Riley, managing to project so much carefully buried trauma. The scene where she tries to ask the head of campus security for help while having to SMILE through battling off his accusations is something truly remarkable, and one that almost any woman watching is going to feel as a gut punch for every time she's had to make her point while keeping her rightful anger under the surface

Low Points

I have no issue with PG-13 horror (and in more recent years, have come to fully embrace it when done well) but I'll concede that some of the violence feels muted or cut in a way that does detract from its effectiveness

Lessons Learned

The only way to lose a Diva Cup is with abandon

Every holiday is for looking sexy

Topple all the statues

Rent/Bury/Buy

Is Black Christmas a great horror movie? No. Is it a clever, entertaining, and fresh take on the genre filled with good satire from the kind of voice we need more of? Absolutely. 

Revenge Is a Dish Best Served Permed

Have we come up with a name for the subgenre of shockingly relevant genre cinema that probably reads much deeper than it might have ever been intended to? I'm thinking first of Gone, the Amanda Seyfried thriller that thudded in theaters when it debuted in 2012, but took on wildly more significant meaning when I happened to watch it in the midst of Brett Kavanaugh's confirmation hearings. Similarly, 1988's Necromancer seems at first glance like a simple rape revenge slasher, but proves to be an oddly prescient, timely tale.

Quick Plot: Julie is a scholarship student majoring in theater and having some romance problems: trying to break things off with her inappropriate acting professor while assuring her perfect boyfriend that he's the one. While staying on campus after hours, she spots a trio of her classmates trying to steal some test answers. Their response? Rape.

Poor Julie is too afraid to go to the police, since Paul, the ringleader, has evidence of her affair that might jeopardize her scholarship and destroy her relationship. Her best friend spots a classified ad for a necromancer, so naturally, they take the best option.

Turns out, the going rate for vengeance in 1988 was just $20 and it was performed fairly efficiently in a suburban garage by a young woman named, as far as I can tell, the mysteriously supernatural "Lisa". When Julie realizes just what she's paid for--Lisa taking on her form to seduce each of her attackers before violently tearing them apart--she learns the hard way that much like Buffy the Vampire's Anya, Lisa doesn't issue refunds.

Between her remorseless rapists, skeevy professor, and unsympathetic (whether the movie understands it or not) boyfriend, the men of Necromancer have a lot of devouring-by-starfished-handed-demon coming. Writer William T. Naud was onto something here, especially with Julie's reluctance to go to the authorities knowing her sexual history will render her an imperfect victim. 

As played by Silent Night, Deadly Night 2's Elizabeth Kaitan, Julie is the kind of sympathetic lead who, had I seen this movie in my youth, I might have dismissed as weak. We want our heroines to fight back, to show no mercy. We sometimes forget that they're 19-year-old girls unable to process the trauma they go through. 

It's easier, in a post-#metoo world, to see some things with more clarity. Whether Naud and director Dusty Nelson had grander intentions or just wanted to throw some bloody demon vengeance our way, the end result has weight. As Julie's horrible power-abusing professor, a permed Russ Tamblyn helps to really drive the point home. I kind of wish Necromancer dove a little deeper into the grayer men, as Necromancer ultimately pulls a few of its punches, giving in to Julie's demon fears and letting the men's crimes somewhat off the hook. 

High Points

As a former theater kid, nothing will ever entertain me more easily than seeing bad Romeo and Juliets

Low Points

The confusion of whether three men are actually dead might work for Necromancer's mystery, but it doesn't make sense in a world where, you know, these are college students whose deaths would be noticed

Lessons Learned

If people didn't live out their sexual fantasies, there wouldn't be any history. Think about it.

An arcade is no place to discuss last night's sexual assault

You don't need a garage door to enact lethal supernatural vengeance on rapists. A curtain will do just fine

Dudes, trust me: if you rape or assist in the rape of a woman and she shows up in your shower, she does not, in any way, have seduction on her mind

Rent/Bury/Buy

I expected a hefty dose of '80s cheese with Necromancer, but I was genuinely surprised at how much more it had to say. Time has been kind to this goofy little supernatural vengeance thriller, and while I wish it had committed a little harder to its concept, I still had a good time. Worth your eyeballs on Amazon Prime.

The Good, The Bad, The Gooey

When it comes to action horror sci-fi westerns, you don’t get much more ‘80s than Nightmare at Noon, There’s neon green blood goo, Jeopardy! references, George Kennedy as a sad dad sheriff, and so much more, all in the grainy glory we’ve come to expect from a genre pic dropped on Amazon Prime.

Ladies and gentlemen: load your fanny pack and strap in.

Quick Plot: Somewhere deep in the mountains of Utah, a mysterious albino (seriously: that’s how he’s credited, even if he’s played by Blade Runner’s Brion James) has poisoned a small town’s water supply with some kind of radioactive serum that turns anyone who drinks it into a violent maniac. 

Just down the hills, yuppie lawyer Ken (‘80s stalwart Wings Hauser) and his wife Cheri (Friday the 13th Part IV’s Kimberly Beck) are enjoying their vacation in a luxurious RV when they pick up a hitchhiker named Reilly (first and last name the same). A stop at the small diner introduces them to the first of the green-blooded psychos, and before you know it, they’ve teamed up with local law enforcement for a true cowboy-style shootout. 

Directed by Island of Death’s Nico Mastorakis, Nightmare at Noon is not, let’s say, a coy film. With its red rock mountain backdrop and sweeping score (partially composed by a young Hans Zimmer!), it pulls out every possible stop, from a horseback escape to the classic trope of having an infected team member hide his inevitable downfall from his pals until the grand self sacrifice. This is a movie that fittingly climaxes in a duel…between two helicopters.

When you start with aggressively neon credits that literally whoosh onscreen, your biggest challenge is to maintain that manic energy for 90 minutes. Somehow Mastorakis pulls it off. 

It’s bloody beautiful. Hot green bloody, that is.

High Points

Pro tip: Nightmare at Noon is best enjoyed with the subtitles on, not just for its glorious dialogue but for the fantastically graphic sound listings like “laser sizzles,” and my favorite, “ketchup squelching” 

Low Points

It’s a shame that Cheri gets sidelined so quickly, because Beck has such a charmingly sassy chemistry with everyone else onscreen that the film genuinely loses a little spark when she’s zombieing behind bars

Lessons Learned

The fate of a vigilantes is always death or jail

Contrary to popular belief, one’s ability to negotiate with Twisted Sister does not directly correlate with one’s people skills with rabid mutant junkyard managers named Floyd 

The price you pay for roughing it is microwaved croissants

Rent/Bury/Buy

Nightmare At Noon is a glorious slice of true American cheese. You pretty much have everything you could possibly want from an ‘80s action horror, with a sweaty George Kennedy to boot. Hop to it.