Tuesday, November 1, 2011

It's the Great Squash King, Charlie Bronx!

In the three years I’ve lived here in the Bronx, I’ve managed to sustain Halloween spirit with all pumpkin latte pump(kin)ing through my bloodstream. It hasn’t always been easy, what with the lack of corn mazes and apple orchards growing across these uptown streets. But through it all, I’ve held strong.

Even when the pumpkins couldn't.
Then 2011 happened.
It started with a mini-blizzard that whitened its way through New York on Saturday, October 29th. It was unseasonable and strange and most unfortunately, would lay the wrong color on the ground for the next morning’s pumpkin festivities. My plan was to wheel my mini shopping cart to Key Food (the nearest supermarket) and grab something from the mediocre supply they’d had sitting outside since early October.

But what’s this? No pumpkins outside. I enter anyway, thinking perhaps due to the weirdly chilly weather, all those orange orbs are hanging out in the produce aisle.
They are not.
Frantic, I ask a cashier. She tells me to check Aisle 1.
The produce aisle.

Heartbroken, I move on, knowing there are two more grocery stores that SURELY house a few of Halloween’s most valuable players. 
They do not.
I despair. Yet soldier on. Mind you, there’s snow and slush on the sidewalk and I’m navigating a cheap dollar store shopping cart across the streets, wishing to Pinhead that such vehicles had a 4-wheel drive upgrade. 

Pinhead is too busy eating creampuffs to heed my call.
I enter C-Town, the rival supermarket where I once found Edy’s Slow-Churned Pumpkin Ice Cream, making me think my odds might be mildly better. 

I patrol the rows, darting my eyes over peppers, tomatoes, grapes, avocados, gourds, carrots, lettuce, pump--nope, honeydew, apples, oranges, pumpki--nope, watermelons...and no pumpkins. 
I spot a canteloupe. Consider the alternatives. Wonder...wonder if could work...

I know in my heart it cannot.
But just like Janet & Brad said, there’s a light! An orangey shimmer oozing with seeds and a hard/soft shell. A POSSIBILITY!

Pumpkin’s cousin. FDR to Eleanor. Braveheart to Tenderheart.

It would do.
And it did. Sorta, as you can see. The only major downside--aside from, you know, CARVING HALF A SQUASH (because they’re not sold in full)--is that man...the smell ain’t nice. You can bet your pumpkin pie that you won’t find squash-scented candles or lip gloss on store shelves next fall.
But do they serve as a decent lantern? Sure. 

And by the time my Halloween costume was assembled and ready, that’s all that really mattered.

Also, squash-o-lanterns apparently get a second life in November as office supplies.

So that's something.


  1. Off topic question. Why do you (and others) recommend Showgirls with digitally added clothing? How does that make it better? And where does this leave the guys who are watching the film for the one reason-NUDE STRIPPING, WOOHOO!-
    Also, maybe new-Pinhead was busy eating all the pumpkins!

  2. YES! Pinhead swiping all the pumpkins and churning them into pumpkin souflees makes PERFECT SENSE! You are an anomymous genius.

    As for Showgirls, well, first of all I go back to Roger Ebert's original review in assuming that no straight man would ACTUALLY get off from its use of nudity. Ebert calls it somethig akin to a nudie film made by a 14 year old boy who's never actually had sex, which I can totally see. Unless you have a fetish for hot women eating burgers or painted nipples, I can't REALLY see how it's a sexy film.

    That being said, the digital bras are simply HILARIOUS! As is the dubbing of non-cuss words when the characters curse. It somehow makes an already funny film funnier.

  3. Kudos Emily I say Kudos. Anyone can say they love Halloween but you've shown yourself to be true to the spirit as possible. That's dedication. Kudos once more.

  4. Does the Sun-Maid lady not like her own brand of raisins (or maybe her evil employers, or higher prices)?

  5. Thanks Bryce! Hope you had a happy (and pumpkin filled) pumpkin day!

    Dave: so here's the thing. Before my epic journey for pumpkins, I went food shopping. Now I WOULD have got some Sunmaids, but I knew that about a year earlier, I had attempted a nature candy plan and had a huge ten pack of raisins still sitting-naturally- in my cabinets. I ASSUMED they were Sunmaids, cause what else is there?!

    Oh. Right there is store brand. D'oh.

    The better answer, of course, would be that the Sunmaids raisins woman doesn't believe in cannibalism.

  6. I seriously think that's a picture of the C Town we frequent...

  7. Um...look, Google Earth gets everywhere! I swear! It's not like I was stalking you or any--um...GOOGLE EARTH!