Let's Get Leggy

The universe did not want me to watch this film.

Or at least, ‘the universe’ as defined by Netflix technology or my overly protective Blu Ray player. I was excited to see The Human Centipede 2 magically appear in my instant queue on the same day that Pet Sematary 2 (‘sup, Eddie Furlong!) did. But for whatever reason, my Blu Ray refused to acknowledge this pair of sequels’ slide into instant territory until several hours after the discovery. Sorry LG Player, a gal just can't resist.

Quick Plot: Meet Martin, an overweight slug of a mama's boy who oversees a dank parking lot, the perfect profession for a man who prefers to spend the majority of his time masturbating to Tom Six's 2009 film The Human Centipede and subsequently kidnapping annoying customers for a future project. See, in the universe of this movie, The Human Centipede is a work of fiction, one that just so happened to capture the fancy of our lead character. 

You know how girls that dug The Hunger Games now braid their hair and kids that really liked Fight Club started their own fight clubs? Well, man-children that loved The Human Centipede don't show their admiration by collecting insects (well, Martin does, but that's just a side hobby). The more devout fans take it one--or twelve--steps further and, you know, create their very OWN human centipede culled from prostitutes, drunk party girls, surly neighbors, pregnant women (yup, that happens), and, if you REALLY want to prove your worth, one of the stars from the original film.

Yes folks, that's Ashlynn Yenni, aka "C" or The Rear of Dr. Heiter's original experiment. Yenni plays herself en route to a bogus audition for a Quentin Tarantino production only to instead find herself starring in Martin's own private fantasy. Sure, Marilyn Burns had to deal with 120º heat and Gunnar Hanson's body odor, but poor Ashlynn has now had her face stuck in another person's rump, her tongue yanked out, and a funnel diet of dog food and laxatives. Give the girl a Saturn Award or SOMETHING.

I found the original Human Centipede to be an interesting avant garde comedy that never quite rose up to its ambitious aims. Whether it was meant to be humorous or just found the right tone within its audience reaction I don't really know, but Tom Six certainly got the joke the second time around. As icky and brutal as The Human Centipede 2 is, it never once asks or expects you to take it seriously as a horror film. That is not to say horrific things involving butts, digestion, and birth don't happen, but the idea that we're supposed to feel anything by them seems fairly ridiculous. Tom Six is trying to shock us, trying to amuse us, and, I think, hoping to make the ones that 'get it' laugh and the ones that don't lobby their senator for tighter bans on filmmaking. I don't think this a good film, but much like the equally weird Rubber, I respect that it was made.

There are three aspects of The Human Centipede 2 that I admire immensely:

1. The casting of its lead character

According to IMDB, Laurence R. Harvey has been in two films: The Human Centipede 2 and The Human Centipede 3 (eventually filming, I assume). That’s hard to believe, both because a) he’s actually great in the role and b) I wouldn’t put it past Six to force Mr. Harvey into a sort of Blair Witch-like alternate actor identity. Then again, the reason I’m so keen on Harvey’s casting is the very fact that he doesn’t look like he should ever be viewed on the big screen. 

I’m sure that in his Sunday church clothes, Laurence R. Harvey is a more than presentable man. But give the guy credit for putting in the kind of physically unreserved performance that would have desperate bachelorettes on a singles cruise hurling themselves overboard in the hopes that even the seaweediest merman  might provide refuge.

2. Monochrome madness

To call The Human Centipede 2 one of the grossest films in recent memory isn't any grand or controversial statement. I don't care how many episodes of Jackass you watched while eating Doritos: seeing ten people have their teeth and kneecaps knocked out, only to then suffer through a hand-me-down Number 2 special dog food dinner is, to be coy, not appetizing. Even before that, we get the joys of watching the intentionally off-putting Martin cough up phlegm, urinate blood, and wipe away snot the way some habitual tickers bite their nails. The one thing we did not need from a film like this was any real sense of realism, and thankfully--well, almost--Tom Six is kind enough to comply.

See, the black and white filming isn't just stylish: it's necessary. To pile on that amount of body gore in color would result in either the results being disgustingly unwatchable or just plain laughable. Films like Hobo With a Shotgun or its inspiration Street Trash succeeded with a candy color wheel approach, while the more realistic-minded Salo and A Serbian Film work with a muted palette that makes the few blatant images extremely powerful. Tom Six is not a director of restraint, nor has he proven a visual genius. Hence, keeping the bodily fluids--from just about every organ no less--covered in gray is vital.

Of course, then Six goes and tosses in splatters of brown at a key moment and I'm left thinking I should negate the previous two paragraphs...

3. Its structure as a sequel

Much like Paranormal Activity 2, I found myself enjoying the concept of The Human Centipede 2 far more than the actual film. Sequels are never easy goings, and while cinema of the 1980s generally followed a 'rinse & repeat' approach, there's been a refreshing trend here in the aughts (and now teens) to follow up a horror hit with a different sort of style. It would have been fairly easy for Tom Six to simply pick up where he left off, with one lone centipede middle trapped in a house alone until the arrival of say, Dr. Heiter's hinted about twin brother. Instead, The Human Centipede 2 tries something new, a meta take on what effect watching Tom Six's first film might have on an unstable mind. It's messy, pretentious, and incredibly self-serving sure, but at the same time, it's hard not to appreciate a filmmaker taking a chance when there were plenty of options not to.

Lessons Learned

You know what’s not that hard to do? Pulling out a human tongue in one piece. And here I struggle to get all that lobster meat out of the claw without major injury

One needn’t be cautious about kidnapping patterns in England. Apparently, one can swipe up to ten people in one location over the course of a week and still have time to pick up another would-be victim from a nearby airport before policemen even think to notice

A little duct tape and a single cro-bar go an awful long way in getting you what you want

Centipede (non-human kinds) bites really hurt

Rent/Bury/Buy

Well, there’s plenty of people who will rightfully hate The Human Centipede 2. Like its predecessor, it’s a messy, undisciplined film that’s about as pleasant a watch as Lucker the Necrophagous or your great aunt clipping her toenails. But then you have people out there like me--and hey! maybe you--who just can’t not seek out a film that tries so desperately to make you look away. If you found the first film to be an oddly enjoyable comedy (as I did) then I imagine you’ll get something similar out of the sequel. It’s frustrating and unpleasant and gross and not quite as smart as it wants to think it is, but...you know...it has more duct tape than dialogue, and that in itself is something that makes you think. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

All Dogs Go To Heaven (unless buried in a sequel)

What a strange, strange decision Mary Lambert made in following up her flawed but unnerving 1991 hit Pet Sematary with a pseudo horror comedy sequel no one wanted. But what a smart, smart decision she made in casting Clancy Brown.

Quick Plot: Jeff is an average teenager not destined to save the world (but played by a T2 era Edward Furlong) with a famous actress mom and estranged veterinarian dad played by everybody’s second favorite nerd, Anthony Edwards.

Look, I love the guy too, but all the medical knowledge in the world won’t make him more beloved to me than Rick Moranis.

Anyway, Mom dies in a freak on-set electrocution accident, sending son and pops to move back to her hometown Ludlow, the same New England hamlet where Gage Creed went No Fair on his family after being buried in Native American spiritual grounds.

Before you can remember the second verse to How Much Is That Doggy In the Window, Jeff finds himself on the same haunted soil, but this being something of a Stephen King knockoff, bullies are thrown in for extra measure. Tom Hanks' best friend from Big plays a mullety brat who lures Jeff into the Pet Sematary, but it’s the chubby Drew who tells him about its sordid history.

Did I mention Drew has a dog? Okay, he does and you know what shall become of it, but what I neglected to say is that it’s by the hands of the one, the only, the most underrated character actor in modern history, Clancy Brown.

Eff. Yeah.

Brown plays Gus, the town sheriff and jerky stepdad to Drew. For no reason other than Clancy Brown Is Awesome, he’s also the only character in the film with a New England accent. It’s a beautiful sound and were Mr. Brown to start his own phone sex company, I have no shame admitting that I’d fast be broke.

But back to Mary Lambert’s oddly toned story, one that eventually decides that the horror doesn’t seem to be hopping so hey! Let’s make you laugh. 

Or maybe that was just Clancy Brown’s decision.

Let me tell you something folks: if there’s one thing better than Clancy Brown hamming it up with a New England accent in a mid-90s horror sequel, it’s (minor spoiler) Zombie Clancy Brown hamming it up with a New England accent in a mid-90s horror sequel. As he slaughters rabbits, chews with his mouth open, and forces himself upon his wife (okay, that’s not awesome), Brown raises Pet Sematary 2 up a notch into something weirdly almost wonderful. 

Almost. Because even though there are children being gorily murdered by semis and mopeds in a somewhat light-hearted matter, there’s also fuzzy special effects and Skinemaxy blue-hued sex scenes...where Anthony Edwards gets mounted by his naked housekeeper with a wolf head. 

Hm.

It’s weird, plain and simple. Lambert probably would have been wiser to establish the horror-comedy vibe from scene 1. Instead, we’re stuck with poorly executed scares that rather suddenly turn into laughs at the 40 minute mark. It’s not the best way to make a movie.

High Points

Brown, Clancy

Low Points

Oh, I don’t know, the fact that the movie doesn’t come close to being scary but never commits to its own comedy?

Lessons Learned

Bringing a cat into the classroom on your first day at a new school? Not too smart

Working in LA as a veternarian might harden a man in the kind of way that leads to him keeping handgun handily sitting on top of his nightstand 

A great way to leave your audience deciding they’ve just watched a comedy: end on a fuzzy floating head portrait montage of all the characters killed in the film. Guaranteed laughmaker 

Confession Time

As much as I blast the original Pet Sematary and to a lesser extent, this one for having its characters make the ridiculous choice to bury their loved ones in evil ground after it has already proven itself, you know, eeeeeee-viiiiiiiiiiil, I would, without hesitation, reserve a double plot for Mookie and Joplin in a heartbeat if there was a Ludlow Pet Sematary in my neighborhood. Sure, they may come back and kill me, but you know...cute zombie cats!

Rent/Bury/Buy

Pet Sematary 2 isn’t nearly as bad as its reputation (or lack thereof) would have you believe. There’s something oddly admirable about Lambert’s decision to re-tackle Pet Sematary with a completely different and almost original take on the same basic story. It’s almost a shame that the end result is such a halfhearted mess, an inconsistently toned tale that only feels to find its footing when Clancy Brown is onscreen. The movie is streaming on Netflix and is certainly worth a gander for the curious or Clancy Brown fan (of which I assume is 100% of the human population) so give it a casual watch if you’re in the mood for a failed mid-90s horror experiement. It's...different.

Is That a Sausage In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Hoarding Food In the Bomb Shelter?

Time and time again I say: I love films set around the apocalypse. 

Set them on the last day of the world 

Set them as the world is slowly dying from a flesh-devouring plague

Set them as it tries to recover 

Set them just on the cusp of maybe/maybe not world destroying disaster 

Set them during a time when Tiger from The Brady Bunch helps Don Johnson get laid

Point is, if you ring the bell for the end of the world, I will skip to faster than Pavlov’s puppy being weaned on Red Bull. Hence, The Divide!

Quick Plot: As nuclear war wages on the streets of Manhattan, a gaggle of apartment dwellers follows grizzly super Mickey (Terminator’s Michael Biehn) down into his well-fortified bomb shelter. Among those who make it before John Connor’s dad seals the door:

Eva (Hostel 2’s Lauren German), quietly smart and strong

Sam, her twerpy French lawyer boyfriend

Adrian, a thoughtful 20something

Josh, his alpha half-brother

Bobby, their slightly punkish pal

Delvin (Courtney B. Vance), a paranoid (or IS HE?) middle ager

And Marilyn (Rosanna Arquette!) and her 10ish year old daughter

Funny. About a half hour into The Divide, I worried, as in the case in these types of ensemble films, that I had and would continue to have no real differentiation between the younger male characters. Yes, ‘Sam’ had an accent, but he also looked quite a bit like ‘Josh.' Meanwhile, I still had no real idea how ‘Bobby’ fit into any of it: was he Josh’s boyfriend? A drug dealer? A good guy or villain? A redhead who shares Matthew McConoughy's allergy to wearing shirts?

One of the many pleasant surprises about The Divide was that eventually, I knew exactly who Bobby was, even if I, well, still didn’t. He wasn’t The Hothead or The Jerk or The Horny Guy. He was Bobby. 

(See what I mean about the shirt thing?)

He was all of these things. He was hotheaded, pretty jerky, and eventually, incredibly horny. Because that’s what people are like. They aren’t easily defined with one character trait, no matter how easy it generally is for screenwriters to create their cast as such. Hence, despite the characters of The Divide NOT necessarily fitting into easy stereotypes, I ultimately remembered every single one of their names.

But I’m getting ahead of myself with enthusiasm. I haven’t even told you what actually happens in the movie now, have I, and shame on me when film in question includes John Connor’s dad slapping people, jokes about cannibalism, threesomes in Hazmat suits, and Chekhov’s Law of Septic Holes. 

Well, maybe we should forget about that one...

Once safe and snug in Mickey’s decently stocked lair, the gang slowly falls ill to the worst form of cabin fever that doesn’t involve skin peeling and pancakes. Because this is a new DVD release, I’ll avoid spoiling anything specific, but trust me when I say The Divide doesn’t shy away from making some pretty dire decisions, from surprise early deaths to physically AND emotionally horrific side effects of, you know, being trapped in a basement during a nuclear holocaust.

Yes, some characters turn to the dark side when the future’s bleakness never lifts. You could sniff that out as soon as Delvin catches Mickey hoarding sausage while the rest of the gang sucks up canned beans. But for as easily as some characters follow the obvious path, The Divide packs plenty of surprises. Arquette’s Marilyn begins as a worried mother and ends as...

Well, let’s just say it’s a brave performance.

Similarly, German’s Eva is our clear heroine from frame one, and while she does serve as our stable center, she also takes turns we never see coming. Xavier Gens pulled off a similar tract with his lead in Frontier(s), an effective but slightly rote torture flick that demonstrated great promise from the French director. The Divide definitely proves Gens to be one to watch, with great skills at getting solid performances and an effectively escalating sense of doom. Credit also goes to screenwriting team Karl Mueller and Eron Sheean, plus a cast that probably ate from the lamest craft service table since Hunger.

High Points

Oh okay fine, I’ve held out this long, but here we go with one SPOILER

I kind of love that The Divide never REALLY gives us answers about its external conflict. We know that the city (and possibly the world) is indeed coated in nuclear fallout, but what that ultimately means for Eva and what went on in those Hazmat wearing soldiers(?) child-keeping lab is left a mystery. Not knowing is somehow so much more horrifying than any explanation would probably suggest.

THUS END'TH SPOILERS

Low Points

While I do think The Divide went further in uglying up its actors than most films of its type would, there’s a part of me that simply wishes one could take the complete cast of Jim Mickle’s Mulberry Street--another fine low budget New York-set horror film--and plug them in instead. The actors in The Divide are perfectly good once they get going, but how common is it to find that seven out of seven survivors of a nuclear apocalypse like, really really ridiculously good-looking.

For such a strong and different genre movie, it’s an absolute shame that the DVD (at least the one Netflix stocks) is naked of any special features. Considering the entire cast was apparently put on starvation diets (and boy do the effects show) it’s incredibly frustrating to feel deprived of a grumpy Dorito filled commentary track where they duct tape the screenwriters down to a chair for putting them through hell or behind-the-scenes featurettes catching Rosanna Arquette sneaking Milky Ways

Lessons Learned

Why you should never let a man pack a bomb shelter: there are certain, um, female toiletries that he might forget are needed on a monthly basis

Removing the helmet of a man whom you’ve just caused intense head trauma to is an act that should be done with extreme care

Nobody but nobody eats Bobby’s penis

Rent/Bury/Buy

I would be all too willing to recommend a bargain-priced blind buy, but since The Divide comes with nary a special feature (well, there IS a scene selection option which is more than one could say for David Lynch releases) then I’ll just say put it on the top of your rental queue. It’s a harsh watch, but if you’re one of those weirdos who really enjoys harsh watches about the end of the world and horror of mankind, then boy is this the movie for you!

Weirdo.

Is It Safe?

Yes, yes it seems to be.


Apologies for the scary red warning of death you might have received when trying to visit this site over the last few days. Chalk it up either the Internet hating me, a troll with a strange vendetta against Alison Brie giving birth to her brother's demonseed baby, or an ancient Gypsy curse that I'm pretty sure was placed upon my family a few centuries ago (it's how I've rationalized a steady line of intense Intravia clumsiness).


Anyway, I'm back. Thanks to all who offered assistance navigating these tarantula filled technical realms of cyperspace that I loathe so. I'm now slowly reassembling things, including the old blogroll and my sanity. 

Then again, was that ever an actual thing?

Back soon with good old fashioned reviews!

KattHouse

House is one of those ‘80s VHS staples that nobody actually seems to remember. While few could forget those luscious mulleted curls exploding out of William Katt’s head, the movie itself always felt more relevant as a perennial fixture (along with its three sequels) on video store shelves. We all THOUGHT we saw it at one point in time, but did we care?

Quick Plot: William Golden God Katt plays Roger Corbett, a successful horror novelist stuck with writer’s block as he struggles to pen his memoirs of his dark secrets in Vietnam. Following the earlier death of his son and subsequent divorce from his primetime soap star wife, Roger moves into the mysterious (and titular) house of his aunt, a batty artist who hanged herself in the film’s prologue.

It doesn’t take long for gooey monsters to pop out of closets and mounted trophy swordfish to flop about-

-yes, just like Billy Bass

It's tough being a writer, as Roger now has to balance ghost hunting/tolerating with remembering his days of combat beside good old genre stalwart Richard Moll. Despite the amusing/annoying aide of nosy neighbor George Wendt, the misdirected flirtations of a sexy foreign neighbor, and the sympathy of his ex-wife, Roger can’t seem to catch a break.

House is a most definite horror comedy, a subgenre that can degrade faster than almost any other with the passage of time. Any comeror or horromedy (yeah, I’ll stop doing that) generally relies on the gameness of its cast and willingness of its audience to let loose and laugh at what, with the removal of a few musical cues or altered facial expressions, is expected to incite fear in another title. 

Does House work? Yes and no. Released in an age rife with haunted homes on camera (the Amityville series and Poltergeist were already sequels in), House has plenty of fun poking around at the squishy goblins and floating tools so identified with ‘80s suburban horror. The monster designs aren’t aiming for a Thing-like iconography, but there’s a great sense of personality about their look that finds a nice balance between the scary and silly. William Katt is one of those innately likable actors with a natural charisma that makes him easy to watch, an important factor since he’s in every scene of the film.

So what doesn’t work? Well, it’s not so much about what fails as much as it is what doesn’t go far enough. House is a tame film, one working hard for chuckles rather than laughs. Directed by Friday the 13th Parts 2 & 3 and Halloween: H20’s Steve Miner, it plays in the shallow end of the gorgeously kept inground pool without daring to cross the deeper territory of Evil Dead 2 or Dead Alive. That’s fine, as an attempt for all-out goofiness that fails can be painful for all involved. But ultimately, it makes House--which went on to slowly reap three sequel(ishe)s--fairly forgettable entertainment.

High Points

Even though he doesn’t get to have quite as much fun as I’d like to see, it’s always pleasant to see Richard Moll working in a film not tarnished by grain on a Mill Creek transfer

There’s a wonderful passing moment where Roger sits down to watch his wife’s Dynasty-like soap, a fine reminder of how great those storylines could be. Sample line of dialogue: “I can’t hide the fact that I’ve been a male prostitute for most of my life.” Can I watch THAT movie please?

Low Points

The tone is more than a bit confusing, especially when we consider the fact that there’s suicide, Vietnam trauma, and a dead child lurking around the peripheral of House’s main plotline

Lessons Learned

The best way to get over an ex you still harbor feelings for? Shoot a monster wearing its clothing

Solitude is always better with someone

When the sexy blond neighbor asks you if you like to play, she might indeed be referring to Chutes & Ladders or Hide ‘n Seek

Fashion Alert

Hey able-bodied men: whenever you’re ready, the world is welcoming of the sexy deep V-neck sweater to make its triumphant return

Rent/Bury/Buy

House is currently streaming on Netflix Instant, which makes it fine for a fluffy afternoon with the kids (minus the suicide and PTSD). It’s light, goofy, but not over the top comedy with the look of a horror film. Nostalgic ‘80s fans will certainly appreciate some of its references, while younger audiences may just find it on their level. Don’t ring the bell expecting to be scared, but do take comfort in knowing you’ll be staring at William Katt’s baby blue eyes for 90 minutes. 

To each her own.