Temperature: The Movie

 

I know I've said this before, but there are no rules that say I can't simply say it again: "inspired by true events" is a dumb way to introduce anything.

EVERYTHING is "inspired by true events". Writers are human beings. Everything they make up comes from some sort of inspiration of something that happened at some point in the world. All it ever means is, "we have a story that will feel more impressive if you think it sort of happened to people who aren't the characters in our actual movie."

Anyway, today's feature, Centigrade (no, the title doesn't make particular sense either) exists because our screenwriter read a story and said, "I guess the bare bones of this could be my movie."

So here we are.

Quick Plot: At eight months pregnant, writer Naomi is traveling Norway in winter with her husband Matt for a book signing. A bad case of freezing rain makes them decide to pull over, only for the couple to fall asleep and awaken to a dying cell phone, dead car, and heavy coat of ice and snow coating their presence.

Naturally, spirits fall quickly. One herring sandwich and a box of chocolates can only go so far, particularly when Naomi's panic attack sends her into early labor. As you'd expect with pretty much any story like this, tensions escalate as the temperature drops. Bickering turns to confrontation which then cools to two very stupid people having a very hard time figuring out how to exit a car.

Movies are fantasy, movies are escape, movies don't have to follow rules of logic...if they're any good. Centigrade is not, which means virtually every decision (or lack thereof) made by writer/director Brendan Walsh and co-writer Daley Nixon's script encourages the audience to scream in frustration. Worse, much like Quicksand, we lose any real sense of claustrophobia because for whatever reason, Walsh won't keep his camera in the damn car.

I say that in anger, but I also would have sold my fictional firstborn to a gold-spinning goblin to end the ETERNITY of Naomi's newborn crying...and crying...and crying...

Even my cat was ready to bust that sunroof open.

WHICH DIDN'T LOOK THAT HARD TO DO.

Deep breath: I hated this movie, and based on IMDB, I'm not alone. The actors do what they can, but this is one of those decent setups with both bland and dumb execution, all made worse by the fact that clearly, the filmmaking team has the ability to make an actual movie. The characters are idiots with nothing redeeming save for an eventual cute baby. The eventual cute baby CRIES LOUDLY ONSCREEN FOR FIVE MINUTES. But hey, there is a high point!

High Points
I love a good cello, and the instrumental score of Centigrade has a lot of it. So that's something!

Low Points
Let's be clear: Centigrade is not a true story (remember, INSPIRED BY). So why does the ending include title card summaries of where our characters are now? Sure, characters in a movie aren't real, but there's something that feels even less real about making us think they are

Lessons Learned
In a pinch, wadded towels make suitable wee-wee pads

Don't knock eating placenta until, well, you're starving and have nothing to eat but placenta

You would think this goes without saying, but apparently, some people don't know that it is generally not recommended to fly across the world when 8 months pregnant for a Norwegian book tour that takes place at the height of winter

Rent/Bury/Buy
I watched Centigrade on Hulu because it was leaving that service. I don't know where it landed, and I'm not going to take the time to look. Instead, I'll simply pull over, take a nap, eat some herring, let my cell phone battery drain, and just wait things out until I'm starving to death and need a plan. Yes, that about sums things up here.