Advice, Entertainment, Jack Nicholson In Leopard Print & More!

Just cause...

Recommending films can be tricky territory, particularly when your cinematic love is on the line.

So you overhear your coworker talking about a horror movie they watched last night. Some darkly lit ghost story about cell phones stealing the souls of pretty college students, with the dude from Lost acting all broody and Kristen Bell looking cute. They can’t seem to express just how awful it was, as all the words that come out seem to be “It sucked” and “stupid” and “it’s a f*cking cell phone!”\

Sigh. 

Naturally, you feel the need to intervene. To cross cubicle walls and spread the word of just why the American remake of Pulse was so awful. The lack of location, bland visuals, neutered violence and simple fact that it took one of the less interesting aspects of its namesake--the basic plot--and juiced it for all the glossy PG13 J-by-way-of-USA-horror it could. 

You do one better. At the stroke of 6, you return home to your shiny pile of DVDs and wake up the next morning fully pleased with the good deed you’re about to do. You step into the office and casually lend Kiyoshi Kurosawa’s Kairo to that guy in accounting, accepting his thanks and nodding knowingly. “I’ll watch it this weekend!” he gratefully enthuses. You smile and start to picture the poetically haunting nightmares he’ll have after.

Come Monday, there’s that familiar shadow-filled case on your desk, classlessly decorated with a Post-It that says “Thanks.” You cruise to the water cooler expecting some wide-eyed recap about some Internet-plus-masking-tape inspired nightmare. Your co-worker refills his paper cup without making eye contact.

“Yeah, it was okay. Kinda slow.” 

Fool! You shout with coffee breath. How blind, how foolish, how utterly mistaken this disgusting acquaintance has proven himself to be. You can’t possibly put your name on the same lunch order or ever again borrow the pencil sharpener from a man with such poor taste.

Sadly you both have job security and the office isn’t getting any bigger. Shunning proves to be far more difficult than Dwight Schrute ever let on, so where do you go from here? End all conversations that don’t involve memos, or take up the challenge to make him a better man?

It’s never too late to save a cinematic soul, but it’s also way too easy to blow your chance at DVD redemption. Just because a casual acquaintance enjoyed Zack Snyder’s Dawn of the Dead does not necessarily mean he’ll worship George Romero’s original

I know, I know. This man in question is an idiot and/or possible agent of Satan, but just because you and I may have grown up fighting over who got to play Peter (so what if you happened to be female and white; that’s why it’s called make-believe) does not mean that deservedly beloved classic will instantly register with someone still virginal in the sensuous ways of the undead. Modern viewers are not just bored by what seems like long stretches of actionless shopping or stiff acting; they’re sometimes baffled by why and how a two-hour opus about a handful of nobodies playing dress-up and occasionally shooting blue-hued zombies is considered your favorite movie of all time.

Taste is one thing, but every person--particularly a film lover--is fairly near-sighted when it comes to personal picks. It’s far too easy to alienate friends by forcing the wrong movies on them at the wrong time, especially when you genuinely want to introduce them to a particular genre. There are a few--okay, a lot--considerations one must take when sharing a video catalog. A few examples:

1. Sexual content

Obviously, you want to be wary of lending your officemate I Spit On Your Grave for fear of sexual harassment charges, but even milder films can rub some viewers the wrong way as soon as certain taboos take over the screen. At this point, there’s little David Cronenberg can really do to knock the monocle out of your eye, but someone who grew up blushing at Sharon Stone’s Basic Instinct leg crossover might be utterly speechless at the sight of Marilyn Chambers’ flashing her armpit vagina in Rabid. Baby steps is sometimes the key, so work your subject’s way up from tamer fare like eXistenZ. One day, medieval gynecological instruments and Jeremy Irons kinkiness might not be so shocking. Until then, save Dead Ringers for the identical twin within yourself.

2. Subtitles

Even the true cinemaniac needs to be in the proper mindset to sit through two hours of small, sometimes foggy font. At the same time, even the most book burning couch potato might forget the fact that he’s reading once those uzis start blasting away teenagers in Battle Royale. When recommending a foreign film to someone not accustomed to subtitles, some consideration is necessary. Let the Right One In may have topped international critics’ lists, but put the DVD on in an ambivalent viewer’s comfy apartment and don’t be terribly shocked to hear snores from the other side of the couch. 

3. Overhype

I still find it adorable that Frankenstein was to my mother’s nightmares what Pet Semetary was to mine. I also remember thinking anybody that called The Exorcist the scariest film of all time had clearly never seen Child’s Play. I know, what an insolent youth I was, but this is what happens when you force your love and fear upon someone not yet versed or invested in the same film canon. 

One day, I hope to assemble an epic guide to initiate the willing into the magical world that is horror, cult, and general genre cinema that I know and love. Then again, my taste is more questionable than how to pronounce Ellen Burstyn’s last name so who am I to judge what the world needs to see? 

Someone with a lot of DVDs, that’s who. 

So how do you approach recommendations regarding lesser known and more controversial films? Any tips or tidbits that beat the lesson I learned from my “hey! I’ll bring a scary movie to my friend’s teenage slumber party. Here’s an old VHS called Mother’s Day!” story of my eighth grade memories?

Hate Life? Perhaps Yours Is Just BROKEN

Shhhhhhh. Don’t tell anybody, but I watched this film. That’s right, intro banner that warned “This DVD is for sale only” be damned, I hit ‘play’ and viewed it. Then sent it back to Netflix without selling it. I’m wild like that. 

I’m also something of a movie masochist, often in more ways than one. You knew that from my inability to not watch titles like Death Bed: The Bed That Eats, Empire of the Ants, or anything from any one of my four Mill Creek 50 packs. Broken is a different kind of pain: a well-made 2006 horror that seeks to do nothing more than make you miserable. Consider it one of those truly unpleasant experiences--not without its merit, mind you--worth investing in when the sun is shining way too brightly and you really feel the need to stab your eyes with cyanide coated safety pins.

Quick Plot: A dimly lit prologue follows a woman awakening in an above ground coffin (thank heaven for small favors). As she stumbles through a seemingly empty forest, a man clad in black butts his rifle in her face. Moments later, she finds herself tied to a tree with a nagging stomach cramp. That tends to happen when a razor blade has been inserted and stitched up inside. 

Worst. Day. Ever.

After a messy self-inflicted operation, our mystery blond is offered the chance to go on or give up. Bleeding and beaten, she makes her choice and we sigh in relief to see her misery end. 

Then we realize we’re about to get treated to watching this all over again.

Two weeks later, a nice single mum named Hope (Nadja Brand) achieves the kind of blind date that makes girlfriends squeal with envious glee. But you know what’s worse than the dreamguy not calling for a followup? Being kidnapped by another unnamed fellow and enslaved in the wilderness.

And that’s pretty much the plot in a linguistic nutshell. After surviving a few early torturesome tasks, Hope is shackled and re-dressed as her captor (known in credits simply as The Man and played by Eric Colvin with a slight resemblance to Robert Englung channeling Anthony Perkins) forces her to tend a garden and scrub his pots (not a euphemism). Hope clings to, well, hope, playing the part of the happy servant in the hopes that The Man will divulge the fate of her young daughter. There’s not an incredible amount more to tell without spoiling, but then again, there’s also not a whole lot more that actually happens anyway.

Broken was filmed over the course of two years by co-directors Simon Boyes and Adam Mason, a fact well documented in the dense extras on the Dimension Extreme’s DVD. Financed primarily by the filmmakers and lead actress Nadja Brand (then married to Mason, a fact that’s interesting in itself when you consider some of this particular process), Broken is surprisingly successful at making the most of one location (and making it appear far more sprawling onscreen) and finding its cinematic voice despite its meager share of dialogue. I never doubted Hope’s desperation or the The Man’s carefully laid out plan. The film that takes place is a sort of nightmare, but the narrative itself is delivered in a fully believable way.

Then again, I also didn’t enjoy the movie, but you should probably worry for my moral stability if I had. Unlike something like the later Saw movies (jabbed at so specifically on the DVD cover), which inadvertently invoke humor based on the sheer over-the-toppitude of increasingly elaborate traps, Broken is played out with all the solemnity of a funeral. I suppose this is appropriate, as slavery isn’t generally a laughing manner and some of Hope’s decisions need that level of escalated reality in order to register in their horror, but it also makes for one truly unpleasant viewing experience. 

Is it worth your time? It all depends on how you like to spend it. The enslavement angle is quite interesting and how it plays out is far different from a lot of other woman-in-peril themed cinema, straight down to the surprising role sex plays and the simultaneous disturbing/inoffensive scene that takes the relationship into new territory. For what it is and what has come before it, Broken is noteworthy and not without merit. That doesn’t mean I have any desire to ever see it again.

High Points

Despite being shot on digital video for less money than Harvey Weinstein’s lunch bill, Broken’s photography is absolutely striking

She doesn’t really get much to do, but Nadja Brand is a strong presence who helps to hold the film together with earnestness and believability

The opening structure that introduces Hope is quite cleverly done. Instead of drawn-out scenes to force an audience connection, we get a quick and cute date to establish some details about our soon-to-be heroine and immediately build a connection to her daughter

Low Points

It’s okay for us to never really understand the nature of The Man, but Colvin’s performance doesn’t quite make him the enigma the script calls for him to be

I can generally excuse character actions (or lack thereof) that violate common sense in a stressful situation, but by the third almost-kill-the-villain-but-run-away-instead choice, it’s hard to maintain sympathy for Hope

Middle Ground

The ending is thoroughly cruel but not unwarranted in terms of the story. It’s miserable and will make you want to hug a puppy or hide inside the belly of a Tauntaun, but there’s a place for cinematic nihilism and Broken tends it with gardening skills straight out of a handbook

Lessons Learned

White fabric remains remarkably clean in lonely forests

Schoolgirl uniforms must be kept intact at all times. Sure, that tie may be confining, but rules are rules

To tend a near mortal wound, all you really need is a sprinkle of oregano

Rent/Bury/Buy

Broken is a tough movie to watch, but it’s somehow even more difficult to review. On one hand, few things are less pleasant than mean-spirited horror, where characters seem victimized purely to make the audience miserable. On the other, Broken is a beautifully shot, well executed example of how to make a horror film on a shoestring budget. The DVD includes several worthwhile extras, including a directors’ commentary, 50 minute making-of, and rather candid interview with likable star Nadya Brand. All the behind-the-scenes documentaries are extremely informative for budding filmmakers and refreshingly (sometimes uncomfortably) honest for general fans who simply want to learn more about what it took to get the final result (apparently, one marriage was at least part of the cost). If you’re interested in extreme or indie cinema, there’s a lot to learn here. If you’re not, there’s a whole lot less to enjoy.

Based on a true story (because it's a true story that there was a movie made with the exact premise you're about to see)

Ever pull over for lunch at one of those suburban diners with less character than a Michael Bay movie? You know the type. Neon sign hanging over the awning, mismatched furniture inside, a menu so lazy it can’t even spellcheck ‘mozzarella’ or list the choice in salad dressings? You’re expecting Jamie the waitress to bring you a spotty spoon with soup-from-a-can special and paper-thin cheeseburger straight out of a freezer chest. If you’re lucky.

Then something strange happens. The chicken noodle is smooth and filled with actual meat from a once living bird. Your fries are crispy enough and the burger drips with genuine juice. Sure, the Diet Coke is flat, coleslaw soggy, and Jamie seems to get lost in a vortex during her cigarette break, but overall, you’re pleased enough with your experience and feel a tad guilty for being such a quick judge of cuisine character.

Such was my recent experience with Paranormal Entity--yes, that’s not a misprint--the latest offering from The Asylum, the studio that brought you such classy and timely direct-to-DVD titles as Transmorphers, Snakes On a Train, and The Day the Earth Stopped. Having never seen these or any of the two dozen other titles, I assumed that all were speedy cash-ins primarily designed to trick those movie buyers without finely honed reading skills or 20/20 vision. For some of their films, that may indeed be the case, but I was pretty shocked to discover that Paranormal Entity, in the words of Hans Landa, is... not so terrible.

Quick Plot: Some all-too-familiar text informs us of the Finley family tragedy, something better left to the next 85 minutes of screentime to show. We then hear a frantic 911 call from big brother Tom (I think...note most character details will be shoddy as IMDB has yet to acknowledge this is a movie) telling the operator about the brutal attack on his sister Sam. It’s a creepy way to start a film, but a tad too self-spoilery as well.

Flash back a month when Tom buys some fancy camera equipment (you mean just like--Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer?) to document the ‘haunting’ of his kid sister. Along with their mother, the 19 year old Sam and early twentysomething Tom have spent the past year dealing with the sudden death of their father in a car accident. Some questionable advice inspired Mom to write letters to her late husband and in doing so, opened some sort of portal for an annoying and amorous--paranormal even--entity to slip through.

Much like some other found footage ghost story of 2009, Paranormal Entity is something of an experience in whether minimal effects and suggested evil can still scare an audience raised on 3D bloodshed and torture porn. Whether it works or not depends a good deal on the individual, just as The Blair Witch Project had little room for those with in-between opinions. 

Early scenes focus a tad too hard on mysterious phone calls and TV static, but later touches--such as the demon nastily stomping about in Daddy’s ashes and a jarring cut that sets off the final mayhem--do succeed in creating a disturbing atmosphere. The actual entity, though never fully identified, has a truly mean nature that makes you genuinely concerned for the innocent-enough object of its obsession.

Is this a great film? Goodness no. A good deal of the scares are predictable, while stretches of run time slog through Tom’s shaky cam investigations without the payoffs we’re hoping for. The script is a little less clever than its source of inspiration and the performances not quite as charming, but I quickly found myself invested in the fates of these characters. Like Paranormal Activity, Paranormal Entity creates an unseen villain whose steeply escalating fixation on a clueless young woman is eerily frightening. Viewers who felt let down by the final shots of Paranormal Activity may be more satisfied with the final chaotic moments of this harder R film (side note: I’m still trying to figure out where that original rating came from) while those who prefer a more suggestive ghost story will find it gratuitous. 

High Points

The choice to include the late Finley father adds a solid touch of sympathy for the family, particularly when we realize the ironic sadness that it’s the mother’s inability to let go of her husband that leads to her and kids’ eventual demise

Low Points

Considering the gimmick of its low budget, every post-production effect (such as the too-loud phone rings and TV static) stand out like the CGI recuts in the not-so-special edition releases of the original Star Wars trilogy

Unlike Paranormal Activity, where viewers quickly gain a clear map of the house due to some careful plotting and camera tours, it’s a challenge to navigate through the oddly door-heavy hallways of the Finley home. In a film so confined to one space, this is something of a problem.

Lessons Learned

Incubi have a soft spot for young women with minimalist taste in bedroom decoration and who prepare for bedtime at 3 in the afternoon

Always invest in a spill-proof urn following the cremation of a dear relation

As Cloverfield, Blair Witch, Paranormal Activity, and countless other films have taught, the dude holding the camera is inevitably a really big jerk

Rent/Bury/Buy

While I appreciated Paranormal Entity as a far stronger film than its reputation could possibly have suggested, I have a hard time deciding what kind of audience will actually enjoy it. Moviegoers who loathed Paranormal Activity will have the same problems with the minimalist Paranormal Entity, while those who long to marry and mate with Oren Peli’s juggernaut of an original will be offended by the very existence of this film. If, on the third hand, you’re like me--someone who liked without loving Paranormal Activity--then Paranormal Entity is certainly worth checking out, if only to see how a recycled concept fares in different hands. Whatever your thoughts, be sure to come back and share them. This film is, not surprisingly, receiving its share of verbal hatred, so I’m curious to hear if my expectations were simply so low that it passed by default, or if indeed this was a refreshingly okay little cheapie worth a free rental and hour fifteen minutes of your time.

Secrets of My Past, Revealed!

It's a weekend of extravaganzaness!

First (or chronologically second), I and dear friend Erica will be appearing on Outside the Cinema's weekly live show. Tune in here from 6PM to 8PM (don't worry; you'll have plenty of time to catch bad Avatar jokes, awkward teleprompter reading, and hopefully drunken Ricky Gervais at the Golden Globes), where you can chit chat like it's 1995 or just listen to a few Massachusetts fools get served by native New Yorkers. Sure to be a fun time, and will available for free download via iTunes later in the week.

Next, what happens when you take a little of this...

add a sprinkle of that...

and then mix in some o'this:

If you're lucky, you get Mermaid Heather  and her film blog, currently reveling in its 5th birthday. That's right, a blog that fully spans two whole decades, still going strong with a truly intriguing assortment of reviews of everything from black-and-white classics to Masters of Horror episodes. Heather has a warm and honest voice in her writing that comes through with every post as she explains exactly why each film worked or didn't work for her personal tastes.


Furthermore, for her big birthday bash, Heather has asked a few fellow bloggers to contribute some of their own ramblings for her site. Today, I  crashed the party to detail the sordid history of my doll-phobia, beginning with a the worst Easter of all time and ending with...well, you'd have to read to find out, but let's just say a subheading could have been "How I Learned to Stop Crying and Love the Chucky."

Now I've hinted at my past tragedy with a certain Good Guy and his friends, but to get the real story about my childhood of horrors, head here . Don't forget to stay for the dip, aka, a finely aged five year collection of posts well worth checking out.

Apoca-Party Time

There are a whole lot of ways the could can end, and even more films that document each one. Here's a rundown of a few noteworthy entries into the apocalypse.

Nuclear Disaster

The 1980s was a decade fraught with Cold War paranoia, so it was only natural for filmmakers to mine the potential of nuclear holocaust for cinematic storytelling. Interestingly enough, in order to fully experience the horror of what could have been, one must prop up the Lazy Boy in the comfort of home to see the two most terrifying fictionalizations: the ABC Network’s The Day After and the BBC produced faux documentary, Threads. Both detail the everyday suburban/rural world of the early ‘80s spiraling into a burnt, radioactive open graveyard quickly eroding the faces and souls of those unlucky enough to survive the initial attack. Threads--still not available on Region 1 DVD--is particularly horrifying in how it tricks its audience into following a young pregnant couple and their families, only to lose a few members with the same lack of fanfare as the rest of the world and tear apart the bases we expected to hold strong. In just two hours, this made-for-TV film takes us from worrying about the economy to reliving the Dark Ages, where the new generation of children speak in grunts and age faster than Ice Pirates in super speed. It’s truly terrifying, particularly due to the matter-of-fact presentation that shows the demise of society not as a tragedy, but an inevitable consequence of a planet at war.

Disease

The Stand, 12 Monkeys, and 28 Days Later are a few classic examples of devastating plagues, but for a fresh take on viral horror, check out Alex and David Pastor’s wrongfully-straight-to-DVD Carriers. What makes this low budget, but extremely sharp little film so strong is the particular point in time it takes place: after the outbreak but before complete chaos. Without any flashbacks or forced exposition, Carriers starts with a young group of smart--if not smart enough--survivors led by Star Trek’s Chris Pine. These seemingly normal twentysomethings and teens are armed with disinfectant and a single pistol, but also mildly afflicted with consciences still clogged with the empathy they had in a world past. Unlike most plague pictures hypnotized by sexy scenes of contagion and apocalypse, Carriers focuses on how a person must adjust to surviving a world with no mercy. By the end, our remaining characters have crossed a line and stepped into a new world, but not without surrendering--and, in a sense, executing--what made them human in a former life. It’s gripping and far more intelligent than its pretty-people-in-peril poster art would have you believe.

Religion

Whether you worship Jesus or prefer his work in Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter (a classic for another list), it’s hard to deny the Book of Revelation is one kickass read. Religious-themed apocalypses are something of a cheat due to the lack of real rules that goes with the territory, but Michael Tolkin’s 1991 drama The Rapture earns a place here for taking the idea of its title and exploring its implications through one conflicted character. Mimi Rogers plays Sharon, a telephone operator (a job which apparently warrants a horror film entirely of its own) who trades in her promiscuous swinger lifestyle for a Born Again baptism with a new husband (David Duchovny) and church ready daughter. Without getting into spoiler territory (as this is a highly recommended film for the thematically combative philosophizing film fan), let’s just say Sharon, a woman fully expecting to greet the end of the world with her family at her side and arms open wide, instead finds herself doubting her faith at an extremely inopportune time. It’s one of the most intriguing and discussion-ready films I’ve seen to deal with this (or any) big issue, and well-deserving of a watch on a day that warrants introspection into the individual at the end of it all.

Supernatural

While Buffy spent seven years protecting Earth from demonically-rendered apocalypses, John Carpenter chose to pit a mere insurance investigator (albeit one who previously took on velociraptors) against the god-like horror novelist celebrated by a surprisingly fertile nation of readers. A beloved, if messy apocalyptic offering from a brilliant genre director still in his golden years, In the Mouth of Madness playfully juggles a few big ideas about what it means when an entire population puts its devotion in one morally questionable artist. Carpenter had dabbled in the world ending before, but even Snake Plissken would be blinded (in the other eye) by the insanity of reality now ruled by a Sutter Kane, a Stephen King-meets-Jack Ketchum style novelist who loves blood and the color blue. Like The Rapture, this is a film as much about idol worship as gooey monsters and practical effects. A surprisingly thoughtful, fairly flawed, and incredibly fun trip into the end.

Alien Annihilation

The good thing about extraterrestrial invasions is that they’re kind of out of our hands. If a passing spaceship wants to blast our planet like it’s Alderon, then what can we really do? Steal our water or serve man for dinner, well, at least that’s fast and/or filled with plenty of fattening food to pad us out. Other films, however, take a more haunting and individualized approach to those strangers from other galaxies, and none are quite as frightening as Jack Finney’s Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Both the 1956 and 1978 adaptations capture an unsteady sense of loss, as mysterious seeds land in our neighborhoods--the suburbs and city, respectively--to grow into blank alter-egos of our more dynamic selves. It’s creepy enough to consider the loss of your soul to an emotionless (and never actually identified) being from another world, but what makes these films true classics is how easy it is for an apocalypse to take place inside our friends, family, and neighbors without most of us batting an eyelash. 

Zombies

Anybody worth their protein-filled brains knows a thing or two about surviving in a world ruled by the shambling elite. It’s easy enough to devote a few million words to my favorite film of all time, but Dawn of the Dead needs little praise from the likes of me. Meanwhile, Day of the Dead and Land of the of the Dead cheat the apocalypse with disappointingly upbeat (and slightly unearned) endings. Zombieland shows us a world low on Twinkies and common sense, thus knocking it down a few points when it comes to realistic survival techniques. For two recent undead films very different in execution, yet oddly similar in approach, compare the caravan of Resident Evil: Extinction with the somber team of The Zombie Diaries. Both focus on hardened survivors living off canned goods and their wilderness skills, and neither is necessarily a good time, but if you’re looking to tide yourself over before The Walking Dead and World War Z hit mini and big screens, you can always enjoy some vegetarian unfriendly feasting at the world’s most depressing restaurant: planet earth, post-Z Day.

Play Clinty For Me

There are some phrases that just aren’t used enough in this day and age. Buy one get one free. Huzzah. Off with their heads. You can’t fire me, I quit. These are all well and good, but you know what three words I really want to hear more? 

Starring. Clint. Howard.

And so, upon a reader recommendation and Netflix availability, I present to you Evilspeak, a 1980 Video Nasty-listed horror starring some everybody’s favorite Ice Cream Man. 

Quick Plot: Stanley Coopersmith (or Cooperdick, as his not-very-clever schoolmates like to call him) is an orphan and outcast attending a Catholic military academy. Teased by his peers, misunderstood by his teachers, and set up for some type of major injury by his soccer coach, Stanley’s only salvation comes via a sympathetic but ineffective friend and the fun he has designing a virtual catapult on the school’s sole computer.

All those hours typing come in handy when Stanley, sentenced to clean the school’s creepily dank basement, stumbles upon a collection of Satanic skulls, bobbling jarred fetuses, and most excitingly, a leather bound book of evil invocations. Although the hardcover gets swiped by a sadistic and apparently undervalued secretary, Stanley has enough time to type in a few spells and call upon the spirit of Esteban (Nightcourt’s Richard Moll, refreshingly taking on evil following his Mormon hero in Savage Journey). 

Unfortunately, it’s not easy to summon a minion of the devil. You need blood, mandrake, consecrated host, and most inexplicable, unholy water (which I guess is like urine from a sinner?). Stanley has a few failed tries, some of which succeed in temporarily calling upon some kind of force to break a man’s neck and rile up some hogs. In the meantime, he adopts an adorably underweight puppy from the friendly and unsanitarily shirtless mess hall chef and sets the audience up for a major moment of shouting “nooooooooo!” in true Anakin Skywalker fashion.

I won’t spoil the finale, but it is vital to know that the ten minute climax of Evilspeak is pretty well worth the ride. The film is surprisingly well-paced, giving us plenty of time to follow Howard’s Stanley through his tormented days in a place he just doesn’t belong. The final act that causes the bloody ending is horrendous and makes any viewer cheer on Satanically possessed carnivorous hog chewing, while there’s also enough random camp to please a bad movie fan, like having a heavily faked German accented actor teach Latin. On the other hand, there are random plot holes that go unfilled, such as how not a single faculty member questions the disappearance of the caretaker or the inevitably discovered entrails of the devoured secretary. Still, it’s refreshing to see a geek played as an actual outcast (today, I imagine someone like Zack Efron would simply don a pair of glasses and part his hair on a less flattering side) and characters that deserve gutting and being set on fire getting gutted, set on fire, and, for a bonus, eaten alive by pigs from hell.

High Points

The opening prologue set in medieval times is less than impressive, but transition featuring a severed head turning into a soccer ball is pretty genius

A roller rink scene is included, which naturally earns the film about fifty bonus points

The start of the film’s ending involves a rather well done Jesus-on-the-cross statue coming to life and (SPOILER) shooting its nail into the head of a rather daft priest. Awesome? The word doesn’t do the death justice

Low Points

While Stanley’s build up of bullied anger is fairly well done, it would have been a far more interesting finale had we gotten a little more development of the individual tormentors so that each gruesome death had more measurable weight

Although I was fairly let down by the text epilogue, it did put a smile on my face to see a reference to “Sunnydale Asyulum,” whether Joss Whedon took any inspiration from it or not

For the most part, the score of Evilspeak is adequate and at times, haunting in a choral style. There’s one moment during the finale as Bubba (an oddly named character if ever there was one) tries to escape and is followed by an inappropriately sweet violin melody

Lessons Learned

The purpose of sports is to make us all well-rounded

The good lord prefers his young men in uniform

Computers of the 1980s were far more grammatically considerate than today’s Babblefish and freetranslation.com

Placing a satanic handbook nearby a piggy bank will connect evil forces to wild hogs

Catholic military academies have an impressive stash of Wicker Man-esque masks for its student body to play with

For an extra scoop of mashed potatoes, always inform the lunch guy that you’re an orphan

Winning Line

“I have to go...to study hall.”

If you’re trying to get out of an uncomfortable situation, at least use a more pressing engagement like “math class”, “soccer practice”, or “date with satanically enhanced Richard Moll”

Proof of Cred

According to that far too trusted Wikipedia, Anton LaVey, founder of the Church of Satan (and consultant on a little classic called The Devil’s Rain ) considered Evilspeak to be “very Satanic”

Rent/Bury/Buy

This was a pleasant surprise and fairly un-discussed remnant of that bridge between 70s and 80s horror. It’s well worth a watch, although a tad too unpleasant to pop on so many more times to warrant a buy. The DVD includes a jovial commentary by Howard, writer/director Eric Weston (now directing the Costas Mandylor sure-to-be classic, Hyenas), and production roustabout Warren Lewis is filled with some useful film trivia and random tidbits about everybody’s favorite B-movie character actor (like how he loves horror conventions and often bids for his own memorabilia on ebay). Certainly worth a rental, and not just because it stars the first human recipient of MTV Movie Awards’ Lifetime Achievement Award.

Patrick Still Lives...in a different continent, body, language, and movie

Pop Quiz: What’s the best way to make a sequel?

1. Retain as much of the talent from the film’s original source and continue to develop the story in a linear and sensical fashion
2. Multiply the budget and retell your story TO THE EXTREME!!!
3. Don’t do it.
4. Sell the rights to another country and let new hands do what they want, including transforming the tale into a trashtastic good time and increasing the amount of nudity and slapping by 189% 

If you selected D, the Patrick Still Lives!* is the movie for you. 

Oh boy. Is it ever.

Quick Plot: A young man and his father are standing on the side of a quiet country road when a passing vehicle hurls a bottle(? Three rewinds and I still couldn’t confidently identify the object) out the window. While the assailant is never fully identified, I’ll assume it’s someone along the lines of Roger Clemens or Johann Santana, as this one toss sends the son (a revamped, straight-haired Patrick) into a coma.

Fast forward some unidentified amount of time later, when Patrick Hershell is under the care of his slightly mad scientist dad in a secluded private hospital with a luxury resort connected to its backyard. Papa Hershell has invited a few mystery guests to spend a few days bathing, dining, lounging in the nude, being blackmailed, and eventually, murdered.

There’s a stiff Parliamentarian and his horny wife, a single young rich fellow wonderfully named David Davis, a hairy-chested playboy and his not girlfriend played by Burial Ground ’s boob-bitten mother Mariangela Giordano (and, it should be noted, her bare breasts). Also on the grounds is a pretty young secretary, two German Shepherds, and a maid/world’s worst dog trainer and bad omen warner. Everything’s all fun and Italian until Lyndon, the asexual politician, takes a morning swim and ends up a steamed and skinned corpse.

This somehow inspires Giordano's character to drink like Margot Kidder at a wedding and crash dinner naked. If that weren’t enough, she proceeds to pick a catfight with the grieving widow, then attempt to seduce David Davis (I have no plans to stop writing out his entire name). Shocking enough, not all men dig plastered middle aged women who spend 71% of their day in the nude. Instead of sweaty Euro sex, David Davis and Giordano's breasts engage in a three minute slap fight. It’s even more incredible than I can possibly explain.

Oh wait! But where did Patrick go? Not very far, since he’s comatose and only able to communicate via typewriter (the budget has clearly increased; note that this time, the keys move themselves) and once again, harnessing a crush on the attractive clinic employee. It’s a tad hard to even remember the title character amongst the sleazy joy of our soon-to-be victims, but in case you hadn’t figured it out, this is a sequel in name only. The concept remains while the tone and essentially, the genre get a turn of the decade makeover. Patrick keeps his telekinetic homicidal tendencies to kill his way through the (possibly responsible for his condition) party guests but that almost seems secondary to watching amusingly unlikable rich Italians embarrass themselves. It’s certainly more fun than Patrick, albeit a whole lot less classy. 

Depending on your mood, that can be a wonderful thing.

High Points

One death-by-car-window is pretty damn memorable and makes Rose McGowan’s garage door demise in Scream look a little less impressive

I’m not normally one to recommend a film based on its abundance of female nudity and women being slapped silly, but the ridiculousness of how both are featured in every other scene is rather amusing in itself

Low Points

At around 100 minutes, the running time isn’t unreasonable, but with such poorly paced and drawn out “chase” scenes, Patrick Still Lives (!) drags like a paraplegic learning how to walk

The death by dogs is possibly the tamest animal attack put on film since pipe cleaner spiders and drugged up toads were placed atop people pretending to be actors in Frogs

Lessons Learned

Italian women really don’t like to wear clothes or undergarments. Similarly, everybody in Europe sleeps buck naked

If a very menacing sharp object is aimed your way, it’s probably wise to close your legs

Denying your wife sex for months at at time may cause her to develop a serious case of nymphomania 

Syphilis can be transmitted through catfighting

Googly eyes floating over a green tinted set may resemble some of the baddies in Super Mario World, but they are also quite difficult to survive

Winning Line

“His death was due to a fatality.”

Is it me, or is this like saying a puppy is due to a baby dog?

Rent/Bury/Buy

If you loved the slow buildup and haunting atmosphere of Patrick, you may very well despise this film. HOWEVER, if exploitation is your cheese, melt this movie over nachos and feast like you’re the dude from Stephen King’s Thinner. This is the kind of film where the lead female, after discovering a second dead body, flees the scene shrieking, stops at a fountain to splash some water over her conveniently thin white dress, and resumes her escape. It’s a blast, but only if your definition of party involves ‘70s style Eurotrash. The DVD includes interviews with a producer and title star Gianni Dei, which are informative in a casual we-knew-what-we-were-making kind of way. I don't really see myself rewatching Patrick Still Lives(!) anytime soon, but it sure did brighten my evening.

*Since these filmmakers took liberties with the story of Patrick, I give myself the permission to adjust the title. There is no exclamation point, but doesn’t it sound better with one?