Knock Knock, Cough Cough

Few shows have held up quite as well as Rod Serling’s The Twilight Zone. It never ceases to amaze me how a TV program--perhaps one of the most time sensitive formats out there in the modern world of art--filmed when I was not even a glimmer in my elementary school aged parents’ eyes can still terrify, fascinate, and teach me so much about humanity, America, philosophy, morality, and the sheer awesomeness of Burgess Meredith.

But why bring up that black and white social landmark when today’s topic is 2006’s Right At Your Door? Mostly because this indie thriller is one of the closest examples I’ve seen of a modern tale with the Serling spirit. Tight as Shatner’s Kingdom of the Spider’s jeans at 96 minutes and suspenseful as watching a gremlin toy with a plane’s engine at 20,000 feet, this is an extremely well-made and truly tense film that combines modern fears with timeless human dilemmas.

That was awfully pretentious sounding, wasn’t it? Let me clear my throat of the toxins inside and continue.

Quick Plot: It’s a sunny day in LA when Brad (Rory Cochrane), an unemployed musician, kisses his career woman wife Lexie (Mary McCormack) goodbye as she heads down the freeway. Newly moved into their modest home, Brad plans on spending the day calling the cable company and unpacking. 

Remember the last movie you watched about cable installation? Didn’t think so (unless you’re a fan of those underrated gems, Stay Tuned and Cable Guy and if so, good for you)--which is probably why Right At Your Door has another storyline in mind. With nothing but a radio for audio entertainment, Brad soon learns that a bomb of mysterious nature has been dropped downtown. Because Lexie forgot to charge her phone (obligatory d’oh), Brad has no way of reaching her and can do nothing but frantically drive to roadblocks, grind his teeth, and return home to pace.

This is one of  the early decisions that instantly told me Right At Your Door was going to work. Brad is a regular guy, caring and concerned, but well-aware that he’s a human civilian. We’ve seen enough fantasy disaster films where mere mortals travel through apocalyptic landscapes on foot to ‘save’ their loved ones. In reality, if your wife is stuck at ground zero in one of the country’s largest cities, what can you possibly do? Yes, most of our instincts would be to get as close as we could to at least be near them, but deep down, even the most passionate lovers would probably realize the best solution is to sit home and hope.

Back at the house, the power flickers on and off but with no TV, Brad is stuck with radio news (interesting enough in itself at establishing true chaos without spending another dollar on the budget). The neighbor’s handyman breaks in and gives a little more info: a dirty bomb was dropped, releasing highly radioactive toxins now floating in the air. Homes must be sealed before the breeze turns and anybody who was near the blast is likely carrying a contagious, probably deadly viral strain in their bodies.

About 30 minutes into Right At Your Door, a character makes a shocking decision that I, like the Netflix sleeve, am about to spoil. This isn’t “the big twist” of say, Martyrs proportions, but if you really want to watch this film fresh--and I REALLY want you to--then leave me now and queue up your Instant Watch. I won’t give away the second major revelation, so those who don’t mind knowing a little more can stay, but the first is a key action that both surprises the viewer and determines the rest of the story. I simply can’t talk about the film without giving away this detail and you know what? I want to talk about this film.

Okay brave souls or those with poor reading skills, read on:

Windows coated in bubble wrap and duct tape, Brad chokes back tears as he seals the last entrance. Then Lexie, the love of his life and bank account of his existence, comes knocking.

He doesn’t open the door.

That’s right, the man who nearly crashed his van to find his wife has now had a little more time to fully digest the situation. And he knows. There’s his wife, coughing in pain and covered in gray dust, and Brad simply refuses to let her contaminate him or the stranger in the next room.

I loved this choice for its bravery (in, of course, its very cowardice). How often do we see a character act on his head instead of heart? My jaw dropped hard when I realized Brad wasn’t going to cave in, even for the women he’d just spent an hour pre-mourning.

Back to the story, Brad and Lexie, now separated by a few layers of plastic, can’t quite look at each other the same way. As Lexie slowly accepts this, the poor hacking beauty is now also faced with what seems like imminent, phlegm-filled death. Writer/director Chris Gorak handles this in a truly human manner, allowing McCormack plenty of room to show a normal woman coming to realize her fate. What would you do if you could feel the clock ticking in each breath? Call your family to hear their voices, knowing they’re hearing the pain in your own? How do you deal with the man you love choosing his own life over comforting you when you need him the most? There’s no time to argue, but also not quite the spirit to put it behind you and savor the final joy left.

There are no major effects or battles in Right At Your Door, but Gorak is masterful at creating an atmosphere of impending doom and state-wise chaos. On a shoestring budget, he manages to make you believe this normal couple is experiencing 9/11 in their backyard. Hearing the radio reporter with a muffled voice is all you need to visualize a frantic Diane Sawyer shouting to her microphone with her face covered in a cardigan. Anyone who’s a sucker for gas masks gets all they need when Darth Vader voiced soldiers stop by. And while I wouldn’t dream of spoiling anything further, I’ll end by saying that the final turn is a twist worthy of that cigarette smoking upstate NYer himself.

High Points

From the music to the camerawork, an extended scene where Brad drives through the almost-chaotic suburban streets is extremely effective, letting you feel every pump of his racing heart as the disaster around LA fully sets in

Like many a Twilight Zone episode, Right At Your Door relies heavily on its everyday core characters in an extraordinary situation, and both McCormack and Cochrane deliver sympathetic and natural performances the whole way through

No spoilers here, but leapin’ lizards did i love that ending!

Low Points

The introduction of a mysterious mutual friend named Rick feels like both a distraction from our core characters and an awkward plot convenience to get from point A to B

Lessons Learned

Meet your newest best friends: duct tape, plastic wrap, Ziploc bags, and a truly handy handyman swiped from your new neighbor

Avoid dealing with your mother-in-law in the event of a national disaster

If zombie survival has taught you nothing, let this be the film that convinces architects that ground floor windows are death sentences to homeowners

Rent/Bury/Buy

It’s been a few days since I watched Right At Your Door, and writing about the film has made me like it even more. As a 96 minute Instant Watch, there’s really no reason to not watch it when you feel like you need a solid fix of human drama with paranoid leanings. It may not fit into the typical definition of a ‘horror’ movie, but Right At Your Door is both thoughtful and scary in its own right. Twilight Zone fans may be especially impressed by how it ultimately succeeds. Chris Gorak shows a whole lot of skill all around, from the powerful instrumental score to the strong performances and tight script. It’s a simple story told well, and for a low budget thriller set in modern times, it’s definitely worth a buy if found at the right price, particularly since my extensive research (i.e., amazon.com) points to the DVD being refreshingly full o’ special features. 

Telly Savalas & Talking Tina, just 'cause

Stalk Like a Man

While researching titles for last week’s column on Valentines-appropriate genre flicks, several films kept appearing with alarming frequency: Fatal Attraction, The Phantom of the Opera, High Tension, to name a few. Now these luscious journeys through cinematic lust are certainly romantic in nature, but to call a tale about unhealthy obsession a “love story” seems creepy and wrong.

Naturally, creepy and wrong is what we do best at this little corner of the interwebs and thusly do I present 8 Tales of Unrequited (and Obsessive) Romance:

1. May

It's not easy being May, even if you are played by the adorable and genre-friendly Angela Bettis. A lazy eye and awkward demeanor makes socializing a challenge and dating nearly impossible. Fortunately, some corrective surgery brings out May’s beauty and before long, she’s the excitable girlfriend of indie moviemaker Jeremy Sisto. Unfortunately, this skinny vet's assistant is not so sharp when it comes to detecting social cues and quickly misinterprets his cinematic passion for cannibalims as a genuine fetish. The relationship may be short-lived, but a little taxidermy and May gets to enjoy the best parts, consent or no consent.

Basis of Obsession: Soft hands

Warning Signs: Chick’s best friend is a porcelain doll; chick not disturbed by violence to animals

2. Phantom of the Opera

Many a list dubs this 1925 silent classic a love story, but while many a lass would willingly surrender to the tortured musician of the title, wimpy Christine Deae has her heart set on a rich and handsome dullard with better wedding photo potential. Hence, it's not so cute when a malformed, musically gifted cellar dweller makes it his mission to train and kidnap the young diva-in-the-making. Some women are just more ungrateful than others.

Basis of Attraction: Soprano voice, prone to fainting

Warning Signs: Dude gives free opera lessons

3. Misery

People respond to their celebrity crushes in many ways: fan letters, Twitter follows, locker photos, locks of hair collecting. Some, like Kathy Bates’ Annie Wilkes, take a more extreme route. In the case of this 1990 Stephen King adaptation, such a method involves rescuing a literary hero, nursing him back to health, then breaking his ankles in a bid to force the just-retired novelist to resurrect his recently killed heroine. It's not romance per say, but Annie is clearly enamored--no, infatuated beyond control--with the character Paul Sheldon has created. When given the opportunity to direct his next literary pursuit, she's simply doing what her heart--and most likely, millions of fellow readers--demand. 

Basis of Attraction: Better writer than Nicolas Sparks

Warning Signs: Chick’s mouth is cleaner than Howie Mandel’s toilet

4. The Collector


Not to be confused with the recent Saw-like horror, this 1965 chiller (based on a controversial novel of the same name by John Fowls) epitomizes the dark and tragically wasteful nature of unrequited love. The icy Terrance Stamp is Frederick Clegg, a bland banker who wins the lottery and celebrates by buying a secluded estate and kidnapping Miranda (Samantha Eggar), a pretty art student he’s declared ideal. What follows is a fascinating interplay between two mismatched people and a true tour de force by Eggar (giving an Oscar nominated performance) as she tries every trick in the Intelligent Hostage Handbook to escape her captor. Indifference, seduction, insult, resignation...nothing can penetrate Stamp’s cold and self-declared adoration. His steely resolve is terrifying in its quiet persistence and how it demonstrates the true irony of obsession: Clegg knows deep down that the liberal-minded, college educated beauty will never really give in and even if she did, such an act would yield her disappointingly mortal. It's a tragedy for both characters and a haunting ride for the audience.

Basis of Attraction: Red hair, artistic ability

Warning Signs: Poor Miranda never gets the chance to detect them, as Clegg’s blank nature means she, like most of her town, simply doesn't him before her basement enslavement. I reckon then that the moral is to simply be aware of windowless vans.

5. High Tension

What’s scarier than a killer trucker with necrophiliac leanings? How about a manic pixie nightmare girl with inexplicable strength, uninhibited obsession, and a complete lack of mercy? While the twist ending (which actually equates to a completely different film than what you see on first viewing) continues to fuel high spirited film geek debate, High Tension maintains a special place as the film that helped and put modern French horror on the map. For most of its brutal running time, High Tension is a terrifying experience in new slasherdom. When we discover the killer's identity and motivation--sheer passion and impossible love--it takes on a different type of horror. Yes, it's Alex who loses her entire family and probably future sense of safety, but poor Marie is forever trapped wanting something she could never honestly have.

Basis of Attraction: Flirty brunette

Warning Signs: Your college roommate seems to be spending a lot of time practicing chainsaw and shotgun skills and judging your sex life

6. Fear

It scares me how much teenage girls are riveted by tales of obsessive and underage romance. I have vivid memories of my fellow 8th graders rushing home to tape (ahh, pre-DVR days) the made-for-TV movie No One Would Tell, wherein a weirdly grown-up Fred Savage abuses insecure girlfriend Candace “DJ Tanner” Cameron to the point of hilarious death. That was kid stuff compared to Fear, Mark Wahlberg’s big break-through thriller about a charming drifter becoming violently infatuated with 16 year old Reese Witherspoon. Classic cars are trashed, dogs decapitated, and Alyssa Milano gets smacked. On her butt cheek. And yet, every Titanic-seeing classmate I knew was smitten. If only Wahlberg had aimed his doorbell shout at them.

Basis of Attraction: Witherspoon’s innocence, even if it gets questioned in one of the most memorable roller coaster sequences since National Lampoon's Vacation

Warning Signs: Soft-spoken Boston accent, subtle flirtation with stepmom

7. The Hand That Rocks the Cradle

I imagine nanny screening is an intense pursuit more difficult than shoe shopping or choosing a college major. Hence, it’s easy to forgive Annabella Sciorra’s Claire Bartel for eagerly hiring Rebecca DeMornay’s Petyon Flanders when she appears to saves Baby Joey from a (staged) choking. For a while, Petyon seems like the best thing in babysitting since Mary Poppins. Too bad she’s actually harnessing a jealous rage towards Claire for destroying the perfect life Peyton almost had with her successful--and perverted--gynecologist husband. Like Annie Wilkes, Petyon isn’t romantically  obsessed with the heroine (or even her dense husband) but when it comes to getting what she wants, that icy blond charmer is one productive go-getter. What is it she covets? How about Claire’‘s identity and all that comes with it: beautiful house, successful husband, adorable/thirsty baby, and decent child actor of a daughter. Good thing picket fences are pointy.

Basis of Attraction: Living the perfect life after causing another woman's naughty Hippocratic oath-abusing husband to kill himself, greenhouse skills

Warning Signs: Chick has better breast milk, clumsy near perfume

8. Patrick</b>

Clara Barton Syndrome strikes with full force in this 1978 Aussie thriller. Three years in a coma, what else can a bug-eyed young chap do but fall in love with the smart and sassy nurse assigned to change his diaper, well-played by Susan Penhaligon (the nurse, not the diaper, cursed dangling modifiers). Gifted with telekinesis but restricted by body and basic ugliness, Patrick attempts to woo the young woman with an unorthodox approach: nearly drowning a suitor, burning her estranged husband, and writing her letters as so:

Surprisingly, the feelings aren’t reciprocated.

Basis of Attraction: Top bedpan skills, good listener

Warning Signs: Inappropriate spitting, Dude causes inconvenient blackouts 

Obviously, I may have missed a few. Already names likeThe Crush, Obsessed, and Fatal Attraction pop up, although --hold her monocles--I've never seen these titles which explains their omission. Add your own and remember: secret admirers may seem romantic, but you never know what that mysterious paramour wants in return for a few overpriced Godiva chocolates.

Hubbub, Potpourri, Stuff 'N' Such, Thingamajigs & More!

As many of you know, the goddesses of the blogosphere have dubbed February Women In Horror Month. I've been lazy in celebrating both this theme and the more nationally recognized Black History Month in part because these 28 days would already be stuffed with such activities as the celebration of me being born, Olympic figure skating that I can't not watch, a sudden pileup of projects at work, and surviving rampages of the infected as they sprint like trainees for the 2012 summer games in London.

Also I hate women. 

And black history.

Anyway, glad I got that off my chest! Onto today's business, wherein I direct you to one woman doing her part to celebrate the ladies of horror with a daily spotlight of bloggers, writers, filmmakers and the like, all talented and all with vaginas. Rhonny Reaper of Dollar Bin Horror (a fine blog with a fantastically genius basis that focuses on bargain films) is running the Cyber Scream Queen of the Day series and on this chilly Wednesday, tis I who graces her page. You can head here to see a suggestive photo of what Kane Hodder inspired my thumb to do and read a little ol' intro/recap of myself and this here blog.

Best of all is the fact that I get to keep this:

Super because a) who doesn't love Jamie Lee? b) every gal deserves a tiara and c) it references one of the most misleading movie posters of all time. I swear I watched Prom Night purely in the hopes to see a disco dancin' Jamie Lee axe some classmates. Pah. At least it boasts this silver fox:

Sigh. Remember to follow Rhonny Reaper and check out some of the other horror hoes highlighted this month. Also, for those itching for thematics, explore some of the Blogdacious Blogs on my sidebar. Quite a few are doing their share to cover black history (notably Chuck Norris Ate My Baby and The Horror Digest) while a few more are getting all estrogeny with a feminine perspective (Fascination With Fear, Monsterland ) and some are going all-out equal opportunity and doing BLACK WOMEN IN HORROR MONTH (From Midnight With Love ). There's some great work all around, plus a lot more I probably overlooked cause I'm a terrible person.


And for those wondering when the Doll's House will get in the act, stay tuned for March. It may be a looooooooong month, but that doesn't mean it's tall. Hint hint. Hint hint.

Dawn of the Not Zombie

The biggest problem with mummy movies is the sheer fragility of those ancient bodies. How can anybody fear a monster that’s as easy to destroy as a home-knit Christmas sweater?

Dawn of the Mummy makes a valiant attempt to change this, namely, by cashing in on another early morning titled cult favorite from the late 1970s. Not a bad approach. Not a not-fun movie.

Quick Plot: 

In ancient Egypt, a high priestess enslaves a bunch of servants in an undead allegiance to an entombed king. I think. 

Flash forward to “the present day” where a trio of bandits led by a very tall white guy (Barry Sattels) who finds everything hysterical seeks to rob the familiar pyramid of its gold. They laugh. A lot.

Meanwhile, a group of NYC models with less personality than a bottle of foundation and their jerky photographer head overseas for a sandy fashion shoot. Eventually--and I stress that word ever so much--they stumble upon the tomb being inconsistently guarded by the maniacally laughing giraffe of a thief and his googly limbed sidekicks.

Having watched my share of America’s Net Top Model (by share, I mean the entire series and I’ll thank you not to judge), I know that any wacky locale makes for great editorial shots. Seriously, Tyra’s minions once posed lowered in coffins, on top of elephants, and inside a meat locker while wearing nothing but raw steak. It was amazing.

So the movie. Well...to be honest, the first hour is a tad more compelling than Tyra Banks’ performance in Halloween: Resurrection. Nothing really happens, save for awkward photo shoots featuring close-ups of the camera lights slowly melting open mummy pores. There’s a weird hesitation to venture into exploitation territory. Pretty models skinny dip, but no skin is shown. A woman faints, is carried to safety, and later awakened by the man who caught her lurking in her bedroom. They kiss. End of scene. For the film’s time and nature, it’s surprisingly tame.

At the same time, director Frank Agrama stages some visually stirring moments of shambling monsters against the cinematic skyline of Egypt. Why the mummies rotate between limping, speed walking, and shooting across time and space to beat frantically fleeing jeeps isn’t quite explained, but quibbling with details in a zombmummy hybrid is a waste of time. This, coupled with the overenthusiastic dubbing, is WHY we love these kinds of buried treasures.

By the time we come to Dawn of the Mummy’s climax, i.e., the wedding feast to put all cocktail hours to shame, we can’t not be content. Yes, we had to suffer through an incredibly dull first half, but the film’s tail end offers one of the better noshing attacks I’ve seen in a while. That doesn’t necessarily mean it’s great; just that I haven’t seen many man-eating zombie mummies onscreen.

High Points

As just mentioned, the wedding feast to inspire any Egyptian a quiet elopement is wonderfully executed

A rather messy paper mache-ish dummy who gets axed is...

wonderful.

Low Points

Aside from Rick, not a single character has any real discernible personality (unless you count clipping your toenails and being offended by the clipping of toenails)

Zack Snyder’s Dawn of the Dead shares this irk: why is it that the undead’s faces rot like fruit left for a month on a heater, while their torsos seems to have the impenetrable strength of a Twinkie?

Lessons Learned

Seducing a model is incredibly easy, providing your have dangerously blue eyes and a hyena-like laugh

Comforting a model is almost as simple: just cradle her head, then roll it back and forth with the soft touch of a polar bear

Do I really need to tell you to always heed the warning shouted ominously by the black toothed witch woman who just happens to hang out near the undead?

Egyptian weddings are a great time as long as you don’t invite the flesh-eating mummies

Rent/Bury/Buy

Here’s a sample from the notes I kept while watching this film: 

disco AND folk music....yay...and ugh

lyric: “there’s a rainbow that suits the color in your eyes”

wow
something happen, please
dude laughs a lot
huzzah! feast!

That sums up a lot of Dawn of the Mummy. Awful for many reasons, and yet somehow charming for its time (1981), subject matter, and shy approach to exploitation. The DVD includes an entertaining and self-aware commentary from director Frank Agrama, but overall, this is probably more of a one-time rental to pop on when you need some low-grade cheese. Enjoy it for what it is. In the right mood, you won’t be disappointed. 

Happy Valensomething Something

That is all.

Love, Doll's House Style

Love is in the air, and it smells an awful lot like rotting flesh. That's an aphrodisiac for some of the characters we'll take a look at as, in honor of Valentine's Day and all its Hallmarky symbolism, we venture into some of genre cinema's best onscreen romances.

Cat People

Most men would feel no sympathy for John Heard for having to choose between cute girl-next-door Annette O’Toole and feline Natassja Kinski. Most people also despise this 1982 remake of Val Lewton’s classically terrifying original, made forty years prior with way more skin and way less tension. If you take Paul Schrader’s eroti-thriller on its own terms, however, Cat People features a surprisingly sexy love triangle (temporarily squared by Malcolm McDowell’s seductively incestuous brother). Is it scary? Not unless you really love Ed Begley Jr.’s arms (and who doesn’t?) but spending 90 minutes watching kinky transmorphing love scenes scored to David Bowie music sounds way hotter than squirting adult shop massage oil on your loved one's human back. Bore-ing.

The Happiness of the Katakuris

Not really a horror and on the surface, hardly a romance in the traditional sense, but Takeshi Miike’s 2001 hybrid does feature one of the sweetest and most refreshing love stories of the last ten years. The film itself--a quirky musical about a cheerfully dysfunctional family trying to make ends meet--is fondly remembered for its claymation uvula-eating goblins, dancing zombies, and karaoke ready numbers, but Mr. & Mrs. Katakuri’s 20+ year marriage is the steadily beating heart of what could easily have been a chaotic mess. It’s rare enough to see a genuine relationship built on support rather than drama in the movies, much less a funny and touching family foundation expressed through disco and directed by a man better known for dead puppies. Chalk it up as a point for the middle aged, financially insecure, musically gifted lovebirds out there.

The Signal

I hesitate to recommend this 2007 horror/blackomedy/thriller not because of its quality, but simply due to the fact that its driving-force love story is the weakest aspect of what is otherwise a near-great genre film. Telling the tale of a fictionalized city infected by a Crazies-like virus spread via television waves, The Signal focuses on a cheating wife and the affair that leads her and her redheaded lover through blood-soaked streets and wacky dinner parties turned Irreversible. The good news is that you get a truly frightening massacre AND a bloody good comedy for a decent hour; the bad news is the film's final thirty minutes drag on like a dull blind date. Then again, you get to finish the almost-anthology fooling your loved one into believing that he/she has just watched a genuinely appropriate romantic movie, and isn't the end result all that really matters?

Miracle Mile

Is there anything more charming than geek love at first sight? Ask Anthony Edwards' Harry Washello, a trombonist and history museum groupie (seriously) who falls quickly for spiky haired Mare Winningham in this 1988 nuclear thriller. What starts as a nerdily adorable romance quickly delves into Twilight Zone levels of tension, as Harry tries to make up for a missed date by staking himself at a diner payphone, only to instead intercept a frantic warning about an upcoming Soviet bombing. Are these the ramblings of a mad man, or genuine classified information? Does it matter when you have the chance to save the life of a cute girl and her sweetly separated grandparents? What follows is an increasingly suspenseful race against a doomsday clock that may or may not be ticking. Harry’s adventures change the course of LA (and possibly, the world) but at its heart, Miracle Mile is a documentation of how to plan the most memorable second date ever.

A Perfect Getaway

AKA Couples Retreat for an audience with better taste. This 2009 film was cursed with a misleading ad campaign and terribly timed release date, but from its newlywed leads to gorgeous Hawaiian (aka Puerto Rican) setting, A Perfect Getaway is the perfect date movie for a cold February night. Three attractive couples (well, Steve Zahn's nerdy screenwriter is questionable but everybody is somebody's type) end up in an isolated beach location, which would be fine if hazy Internet headlines weren't reporting a Mickey & Mallory pair on the loose. To say anything more would toe spoiled waters, so I'll tempt both sexes with this: while the gents enjoy the trifecta of blond hippie Marley Shelton, Georgia peach Kiele Sanchez, and the always bonily beautiful Milla Jovovich while the ladies are more than satisfied with a gleefully over the top Timothy Olyphant in a performance so good, it’s near Jedi status.

Deadly Friend

Gents, having trouble finding that perfect gift for the lady in your life? If you’re a super genius and your girlfriend is dying, has Wes Craven got a solution for you: implant your pet robot’s memory into her brain. True, she may develop a slight case of homicidal mania, but most of her victims are fairly deserving. How long could you possibly live next door to Anne “Owen, you lazy poop” Ramsey before giving into the urge to make her brains explode by hurling a basketball its way? And hey, you’re legally excused if you sic your blond baggy eyed girlfriend to do the dribbling. There are many words to describe Deadly Friend--awful, awesome, atrocious, amazing--but the nearest to someone with a Kristy Swanson and/or robot fetish is love.

Oldboy

Take a vengeful South Korean self-taught martial arts master, add a young sushi chef with warm hands and--okay, we’ll stop there. If you’ve seen Chan-wook park’s 2003 classic, you’re probably squirming in your cubicle right about now but even in your instinctual disgust, you can’t deny that Oldboy is a somewhat...well...love-filled film? The controversial romance probably wouldn’t put your Valentine in the mood for anything other than a cold shower, but you know...you get naked when you shower, right?

Bride/Seed of Chucky

Will those crazy kids ever make it work? As we know by one of the best silhouette sex scenes of all time, the answer to that is, like many a married couple, occasionally. Chucky introduced the world to his one and only in this 1998 horror comedy and boy was she ever adorable. Tiffany, played by Jennifer Tilly and bleach-blond bridal doll with one foul mouth, is everything you’d expect a murderous plaything to find attractive: innovative kill style, emerald green eyes, and a tenacity that just can’t be tamed with electrocution or fires. As we see in both this film and its underrated followup, the Lee Ray union is rockier than Pamela Anderson and any one of her husbands du jour, but doesn’t that make for more entertainment? Especially when the product of such love is an awkward young doll with identity issues and gender confusion? Would we expect any less?

Let the Right One In

Everybody remembers their first kiss, but most don’t spend the rest of their lives surrounded by blood-drained corpses as a result. Let the Right One In is a film about many things--friendship, childhood, vampyrism--but perhaps the most good-natured filter to use is that of simple old fashioned love story. Director Tomas Alfredson carefully develops the tentative relationship between the bullied Oskar and ageless Eli, starting as a charming playground meet-cute and ending with a train ride more romantic than anything that happens on board  Before Sunrise. Yes, if you spend any time considering the inevitably tragic future of the young(ish) couple, you’re left in a state of sad doom, but in its understated running time, Let the Right One In is as innocent as a middle school dance.

Shaun of the Dead

The beauty of this well-loved zomedy lies not only in its genius homages, surprising suspense, and cheeky humor, but also in not one but two love stories brimming with affection. For those with a soft spot for can-these-darn-kids-make-it-work stories, Shaun's misguided attempts to keep his long-suffering girlfriend are sweet and sadly, easily identifiable. Those who'd rather simulate 2D love with XBox 360, on the other hand, can take comfort in the genuine bromance between Shaun and his lovable loser of a best friend. Something for everyone, with Evil Dead references to boot.

The Fly

Jeff Goldblum and Geena Davis had an offscreen romance while filming, because nothing lights the flames of passion faster than body horror and AIDS metaphors. Lightheartedness aside, The Fly is arguably one of Canuck love machine David Cronenberg’s best films due in no small part to the tragic chemistry of its two vertically gifted leads. I have minor quibbles with career woman Veronica’s tendency to fall in bed with all the men she works with, but The Fly remains as much an adult love story as a gooey creature feature, delving into attraction, jealousy, and sacrifice better than any Nicolas Sparks adaptation your soon-to-be-ex-girl (or boy)friend might unwittingly drag you to this Sunday.

And a few honorable mentions that didn’t make the cut primarily for not being fresh enough in my mind to merit a full paragraph:

An American Werewolf In London

Audition

Bram Stoker’s Dracula 

Cemetery Man

Dead Alive

Hellraiser

Little Shop of Horrors

Near Dark

Return of the Living Dead 3

The Toxic Avenger

So this Valentine’s Day, introduce your partner to a new world of cinematic intimacy the right way: with genre films about sexually active toys, androgynous vampires, NBA caliber robots, leprosy-ridden scientists, and more. How can you possibly go wrong?