Morning Person

 

Live, die, repeat is as good a premise for a horror movie as any. 

Sadly the underlying film doesn't always live up to that.

Quick Plot: Bobby is a sloppy musician trying to make good with his higher class girlfriend Jules. Having made quite a few mistakes in their relationship, Bobby has high hopes that a seaside vacation to a quaint New England island bed & breakfast is just what Jules needs to finally forgive him.

The inn is far from five-star hospitality and the town's best assets are its arcade and empty souvenir shops, but it's all just enough to urge Bobby on to a romantic surprise proposal in the middle of town square. Jules' acceptance is interrupted when a hooded figure slashes her throat, breaks Bobby's neck, and sends them to the next morning at the titular 6:45.

Bobby awakens with full memory of the previous day's events, but to Jules, it's simply part two of their vacation. For any audience who's seen Groundhog Day or the dozens of cheaper films it inspired (all usually Hallmark Christmas-related or horror), we know the drill. This cycle will continue.

In Bobby's case, it seems to happen hundreds of times. He attempts to adjust his and Jules' activities, but nothing works. 

Also, he doesn't seem to try very hard.

6:45 is clearly a low budget affair, and I'd give it a certain measure of leeway if it was a first or second film. But writer/director Craig Singer has been working for over 20 years. He's responsible for the low energy Dark Ride and the fairly interesting, lower profile Perkins' 14. 6:45 shows a steep downward slide.

The leads do what they can to make the characters' relationship click, but Bobby is simply the worst, and that's before we get to a final act that would be infuriating if the film was worth raising any kind of blood pressure. I was on board for the slow opening because it felt like the film was going somewhere. Unfortunately, once it cycled through its repeated day a few times, even the filmmaker seemed to lose interest. Montages fill in a good chunk of running time, only for the story to take an abrupt, nasty turn complete with, for no reason other than for the crew to show off some skill, a man putting his grubby hands into an open bloody scalp.

High Points

This is not a great showcase for any performer, but as Jules, Augie Duke manages to emerge as a very natural onscreen presence

Low Points

It's just a pity she's in this slog of a mean-spirited film

Lessons Learned

Cuffs happen when you punch locals

Always keep the talons tamed

When checking into any questionable hotel, remember to first check the soap

Rent/Bury/Buy

You might be surprised to hear me say that I don't recommend 6:45. It's both mean and dull, which is just about the very worst adjectives any movie can claim.

Let's Shake Things Up

Maybe it's because I like interactive seasonal toys...

Or maybe it's because this was the first time I understood a Far Side cartoon:

Or maybe, just maybe, it's that they're really cool.

No matter the reason, any genre film that involves evil/haunted/possessed/powerful snow globes is, to me, worth a watch.

Quick Plot: Welcome to Normal, Alaska, where it's not only not snowing in December, but is also warm enough for a light jacket. We're used to such details in a Hallmark film, but in the case of Snowmageddon, it might have some deeper meaning. 

Nuclear family the Millers are having a quiet evening setting up for Christmas when they discover an unmarked present under their tree. Young Rudy opens it and is delighted to find a detailed snow globe that matches his small town. Nothing unusual in that, but moments later, an earthquake causes some rifts in the ground...of both the real world and the floor of...THE SNOW GLOBE. 

What follows is an efficiently competent Christmas disaster film. 

Such a statement can be read as positive or disappointing, I know.

As someone who grew up in a very Mystery Science Theater 3000 era of joyfully discovering the fun inherent in incompetent cinema, "bad" movies remain enjoyable only when they're trying to reach some level of good. Some dozen or so years ago, The SyFy Channel learned to perfect their packaging of low effort genre films that were clearly manufactured to SEEM like a "so bad it's good" experience. For me, it's inauthentic and made for a different audience.

Snowmageddon, despite being a low budget straight-to-who-knows-where-but-not-a-big-screen CGI-fueled quickie about a magical snow globe that causes natural disasters, is, thankfully, NOT an offshoot of the School of Sharknado. It's earnest. It's a bit self-serious. It tries.

So sure: it's therefore a little dull. Those expecting Shark Attack 3: Megalodon levels of buffoonery will walk away feeling a bit shortchanged. There's nothing overtly stupid about this movie, even if, as I really can't say enough, the story is about a magical snow globe that causes natural disasters.

High Points

Enough can't be said about the cast (including The Faculty's Laura Harris), all of whom clearly approached the material knowing the best way to make it work was to play it straight

Low Points

How can you possibly make a movie about a powerful world-ending snow globe and never, you know, address the reason for why this angry piece of winter decoration is trying to end the world?

Breathe Easy

Mo, the beautiful malamute who first warns the family that their snowglobe is a tool of evil, emerges unscathed 

Lessons Learned:

Being professional means no ogling or drooling

Everyone knows that Santa only brings gifts down the chimney (said with sass by a teenager)

When in doubt, just wait for an active volcano to reveal itself and solve your geological problems

Rent/Bury/Buy

It's hard to know what kind of viewer would get the most out of Snowmageddon. The movie isn't campy enough to be that much fun, nor is it, well, good enough to be actually good. We're grading on a very particular SyFy Channel curve here. The movie is far more competent than its premise and pedigree would lead you to expect, but it never quite rises to be anything overly memorable. Still, if you, like me, see "An Alaskan family receives a mysterious snowglobe that causes a global catastrophe" as the premise of a film and think, "obviously, I'm watching," you can find it on Amazon Prime. 

Tis the Seasonal Horror

Wait...that's not it.

Okay.

For a rough stretch in the mid-aughts, Christmas horror had become the new zombie movie in that amateur filmmakers could make them cheaply, slap on a clever title or cover art, and find some form of distribution. The mere keyword of having the holiday on a virtual video shelf would often be enough for a spot. 

This seems to have passed, though today's feature feels very much a throwback. 

Quick Plot: Cole is a crappy teenager who would rather play video games rather than help his little sister Carol install the Christmas lights. Considering it's pitch black outside and snowing, he's not necessarily wrong for feeling that way, but he still shouldn't handle it like a little jerk (with an incredibly irresponsible mother). Carol climbs up the roof, quickly slips and finds herself dangling in front of Cole's window, a string of lights cutting off her circulation. 

Twenty years later, Cole is not good. He stayed in town and works as a mechanic, living a solitary life with his only companion being the titular Christmas Spirit, embodied by a masked wrestler with holiday leanings. Cole is pretty sure his buddy is the manifestation of his guilt by way of unmedicated schizophrenia, but it's still hard to resist socializing with the only other creature that seems to want anything to do with this gross, sad man.

The Christmas Spirit, however, has goals. It's convinced that Cole's guilt has trapped him in this form until Cole can restore the meaning of Christmas by way of a sacrifice. 

Enter Maggie, a social media superstar teenager (is there any other kind these days?) who loses her own love of the holiday when she catches her married mom in bed with her very own piano teacher. The fact that Maggie bears an uncanny resemblance to Carol gives The Christmas Spirit an idea: Cole must repeat Carol's accident on Maggie to...save Christmas?

Yeah, I never quite got it. Written and directed on what I must assume was a shoestring budget by Bennet De Brabandere, The Christmas Spirit is a clunky but earnest horror comedy that seems to be in battle between how much it actually wants to say about mental illness. Cole is pretty sure that his companion exists purely in his head, though the film suggests another boy (possibly suffering from similar symptoms) can see him.

It doesn't come together, though it's hard to not appreciate the energy that goes into the full product. The cast is game to do the ridiculous, straight down to the keystone cop sidekicks who make The Last House On the Left's characters look like the model of law enforcement. Maybe De Brabandere was a little too ambitious in trying to explore mental illness when his material would have worked better as a sillier, less complicated joke. By trying in half measures, the final product feels a tad...icky.

High Points

This is one of those cases where you have to imagine the cast had to do a lot of heavy lifting, and while not gunning for Oscars any time soon, Zion Forrest Lee gives his all as the pathetic Cole, while Matia Jacket shows very promising comic timing as Maggie. 

Low Points

Aforementioned muddiness regarding, "Is this funny?" or "Is this tragic mental illness?" And yes, I say this as someone who would throw her body in front of a sleigh to defend the honor of Christmas Evil

Lessons Learned

In no scenario is it smart parenting to let your young teenager install holiday lights on the roof when it's dark and snowing

The only upside about catching your mother having an affair around the holidays is that it will give you free reign on her credit card

The true meaning of Christmas is sacrifice (as in, human)

Rent/Bury/Buy

There's definitely a contingent of genre fans who appreciate unusual low budget horror that will find some things of interest in The Christmas Spirit. I don't think the film gets anywhere near where it's heading, but as a small, seasonal effort, there are certainly some things here I haven't seen before, and more importantly, it feels as though the full team was invested in making something unique. If you're in that very specific demographic, give it a low expectations try via Shudder or Tubi. 

Tongue-Tied

What's a great way to get horror fans to watch your movie? Release an American remake that makes viewers mad, then gets good reviews, then makes you realize that you'll inevitably have to watch both. 

We are simple folk. 

Quick Plot: Louise and Bjorn are a Danish couple with a daughter named Agnes. While on a group vacation to Italy, they hit it off with a similarly aged family from Holland: Patrick the doctor, Karin his wife, and Abel, their pleasant son who was born without a tongue. 

Back home in their tight apartment, loaded with the kinds of schedule items any young couple with a child have, Bjorn clearly feels a little disconnected. He's thrilled when Patrick sends a postcard inviting the family to spend a few days in their country estate. Fresh air and good company, what could possibly go wrong?

Since this movie is streaming on Shudder, obviously, quite a bit. 

Louise is quickly unsettled. Patrick dismisses her vegetarianism (well, pescetarianism) by pressuring her to eat some pork. He plays music too loud, drinks and drives, doesn't respect boundaries, and tricks Bjorn into paying for dinner that was supposed to be a treat. When Louise discovers Agnes sleeping in a nude Patrick and Karin's bed, it's the last straw. The family decides to leave, only to return immediately when Agnes's beloved stuffed animal goes missing. Once confronted with Patrick and Karin's apologies, how can they possibly be rude guests and still abandon their hosts?

To say much more about Speak No Evil would be a spoiler, though any savvy horror viewer can probably piece together a few more developments. Things get awkward, then dangerous, then rather shockingly dark in a pretty brilliant way that I haven't quite seen before. 

There are those who hate to see fingernails ripped off onscreen or any pain directed at Achilles heels. For a civilized audience, what's scarier? Being perceived as being rude. 

Speak No Evil is a horror movie about manners, and a pretty brilliant one at that. Louise is ready to call out Patrick and Karin for some of their rudeness, but as soon as she's confronted with her mistake, she surrenders all agency. Bjorn is clearly as flattered by Patrick's attention as he is embarrassed by Louise raising tension. It's the awkwardness that damns our characters, and while it's easy to scream at them from our couches, it's also one of the most strangely identifiable horror movie scenarios I've ever seen. 

High Points

I wish I could say so much more about everyone's performance, but I really do hate to give away too much. All four leads are simply perfect.

Low Points

I don't know that Speak No Evil is a perfect film, but honestly, I can't think of a single misstep it makes. Every action feels like a deliberate drive towards the conclusion. I have nothing negative to say.

Lessons Learned

When traveling abroad, you don't have to become fluent in the country's language, but at least learn the word that identifies your child's beloved stuffed animal

Mermaids represent Denmark well (though they're also small and disappointing)

Holland is a cheese country

Rent/Bury/Buy

I was satisfied by Speak No Evil when I finished it this morning, and now, 8 hours later as I sat down to write about it, I realized it's, well, kind of perfect? This isn't the scariest film of its year or even most shocking. It's just GOOD. The story is something that is all too easy to understand, and yet, one that I haven't quite seen told this way (or this well) in many years of genre watching. Find it on Shudder. 

Swapping Bodies Bodies Bodies

 

Unlikable but attractive young people are a hallmark of horror. We watch this genre knowing characters will die, so making them pleasant to look at and just awful enough to kind of wish violence upon their knockout bodies is reasonable. 

The flip of this is that insufferable characters can often make for an insufferable watching experience. Take something like The Alpines, which has a similar setup to today's feature. Watching it, I would have rather my Roku malfunctioned than watch each character meet their end. With Greg Jardin's It's What's Inside, we get equally bratty characters but played by such charming actors that I was all in.

Quick Plot: Cyrus (James Morosini) and Shelby (Brittany O'Grady) have hit a rut in their relationship. She's desperately trying to implement new risks in the bedroom, while he would rather just watch porn whenever she heads out for a run. They're not on the same page but bound for the same weekend getaway to their pal Rueben's coed bachelor party, held in the unusual mansion of his late artist mother. 

In tow is the usual round of hot young adults a few years out of college but still holding onto past grudges and crushes. There's influencer Nikki (Fear the Walking Dead's Alycia Debnam-Carey), stoner Brooke, free spirit Maya, bad boy Dennis, and surprise guest Forbes, who was expelled from college and the gang after an intense argument with Dennis over Forbes' underage sister. Forbes has since had a minor tech bro glow-up and comes armed to party with the ultimate pre-wedding game: a machine that lets you body swap.

Tossing in copious amounts of drugs and alcohol to such a mix (the untested technology AND complicated matrix of sexual entanglements) leads, as you might have guessed it, to an act of violence and chaotic horror. 

Written and directed by Greg Jardin, It's What's Inside calls to mind the similarly themed and styled Bodies Bodies Bodies. The movie itself is fully in control of how flawed its own characters are, and the cast does a tremendous job in playing out those dynamics. It also manages to be a little deeper in how these people actually relate to one another. The smartest move the script makes is framing the whole story with Shelby and Cyrus's stale romance. It always serves as a sort of compass to the rest of the night's hijinks while also exploring something relatable and awful (and often very funny, thanks to O'Grady, Morosini, and a few of the bodies they end up in).

It's What's Inside isn't quite a masterpiece, and does seem to miss out on a few opportunities to explore more fundamentally interesting questions about body and identity. Still, it's an incredibly good time that I found kinetic and fun. 

High Points

Jardin plays with quite a few visual tricks, making his film occasionally feel like a more grownup TikTok video. Weirdly, it works, especially if you think a little more deeply about how much everyone's different perspectives are constantly driving each action in the story

Low Points

I think the number of characters had to follow a certain logic in order to mathematically add up to the storyline, but I do think the film stumbles a tiny bit in not having enough time to differentiate Brooke and Maya. Neither gets quite enough time to develop before the swap, which makes any reference to both always slightly confusing.

Lessons Learned

A real friend remembers your life-threatening allergies

The best cure for a headache is a new body

Body swapped sex is probably hot and weird, but it shouldn't let you off the hook for taking basic safety precautions

Rent/Bury/Buy

You will likely know very quickly whether It's What's Inside is for you. For me, it was a blast, though I can see its tone not connecting with many a viewer. Find it on Netflix.