Monday, January 24, 2022

Lessons Learned, the 2021 Edition

Come January 25th, this little website will celebrate its lucky 13th anniversary. Everyone has their own birthday traditions (mine involves nachos) and The Deadly Doll’s House is no different. The last two weeks of January serve as my way of wrapping up another year, something I do in a very specific way:

1- Round up one lesson from every film covered in the hopes of giving us all some much-needed education

2- Discussing the best films I covered here over the past year

The good stuff comes next week, so today, break out your notebook and listen to grandma give her advice. Some of it just might save your life.

Reading Is Fundamental

There are only two people in all of Canadian Manhattan who read Robert Frost -- Falling For You

Dating 101

Half a bottle of tequila filled margaritas are great and all, but have you tried paying attention to your girlfriend so her face isn't burned off by your haunted fireplace? -- Amityville Dollhouse

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About In-Laws But Were Afraid to Ask

When your boyfriend tells you that his family is racist and horrible, you should probably listen -- Await Further Instructions

Before committing to spending the rest of your life with your in-laws, it's probably best to have actually these said in-laws -- After Darkness

The Red Scare

Communism is when you're all equal, but not really -- Slaxx

A Writer Writes (Sometimes)

Common writers' afflictions include weak eyesight and being bad with names -- Doppelganger 

Wannabe writers who want to be writers just to say they're writers will always find excuses not to write -- The Honeymoon Phase

Screenwriting Rules of the Genre

The best way to convey turning evil: sudden smoking habit and a clean double axel -- Look Away

Efforts towards inclusivity onscreen should always be appreciated, but when watching a horror film, always remember that a character with a hearing aid exists solely for said hearing aid to eventually be used against him -- Child's Play 

The best way to establish a character as being smart is to keep having her say "thesis!"--Stay Out Stay Alive

If it's an '80s horror movie that includes a handful of attractive young people, one of them just has to be named Tina -- Ghost House

Chekhov's Law of Nipple Rings In Torture Porn tells us that if you introduce nipple rings in the first act, you must use use them as tools of extreme pain in the fifth -- Train 

Crime Solving For Dummies

A nosy landlady is a lazy detective's best friend -- The New York Ripper 

Drowned little girls must stay in the water for several hours as the police conduct thorough investigations -- Mikey

Apartment Hunting Red Flags

Any community that doesn't welcome pets is, obviously, completely evil -- 1BR 

Fine Dining

Never start a dinner party before assessing your wine supply -- The Beach House

The only way to properly slice tomatoes is with a bread knife -- The Hunt

Common courtesy is to bring a 12 dollar bottle of red to a dinner party -- The Dinner Party

Nothing tastes better after millennial murder than a fresh fireside s'more -- Odds Are

Tidbits On Travel

A copilot's most important job is to relay the information that's been spoken out loud on the intercom to the pilot sitting in the same small space as that intercom

-- Flight 666

Maybe don't shoot the mystery gasoline-flavored alcohol that locals won't drink? JUST A THOUGHT -- Death of Me

Pack every suitcase as if it might be the only source of your necessities. You just never know -- Sweetheart

Rules of Religion

Here's a really hot tip: the life of a nun, even one associated with demonic cults, is a serious drag. Don't do it girls. -- Dark Waters

Public libraries make suitable settings for satanic rituals -- Anything for Jackson

Raising the Next Generation

Moody teen twins have a bond no slightly more optimistic adult can dare break -- The Plague

Adolescent testosterone combined with too much Nietzsche is a dangerous combination -- Extracurricular

Better With Age

At a certain age, a disgusting purple mummy finger isn't the worst thing -- Amityville: The Evil Escapes

Medical Mysteries

The secret to successful surgery is good interns -- Madhouse

The Body Human

Head trauma and suffocation are easily interchangeable to modern coroners 

-- Killer Grandma

Event Planning

The party's over when the clementines run out -- Break

Much like the 2021 Tokyo Summer Olympic Games, there's little need to have medics on hand at an outdoor directly-in-the-sun sporting event taking place during a heat wave  -- Impact Point

Happy Holidays!

Always peek at your Christmas presents. You never know if they include technology that might save your life -- Island Zero 

History Never Dies

Men were telling women they'd be prettier if they smiled since at least 1986, though back then, the price of such assholery was a cruel and immediate death -- Nightmare Beach

Survival Basics

Being hunted by a mystery madman is no reason to let your complicated hair routine get stale -- Lucky

Never underestimate the user-friendly quickfire power of a nail gun (as if we didn't already know) -- Dead Body

When your clock to a violent death is audibly clicking, you should definitely take all the time in the world to artistically determine the order of who gets tortured first -- Vile

As if we didn't already know this, remember: when the radiation poisoning sets in, life will be terrible and harsh and you'll have to work very hard to survive a very terrible and harsh life, so...I don't know, jump INTO the blast rather than away from it? -- Aftermath

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