Monday, May 18, 2020

Support the Girls

You might think that there's no reason in the world why I haven't already seen 1989's Killer Workout. An '80s slasher that opens with a tanning bath death? Brought to you by the team behind Deadly Prey?! A movie whose alternate title is Aeorbi-Cide?!!

And yet, here we are, 31 years after this film's release and I'm only catching it now via Amazon Prime. The reason? For 31 years, I thought Killer Workout and Death Spa were one movie.

Look, it's been a rough 2020, but let us celebrate the fact that even amidst modern hell, we can find such gifts.

Quick Plot: Up and coming supermodel Valerie comes home to the best news a gal can hear: she's booked the cover of a major fashion magazine. Her agent advises her to get a quick tan before her morning flight to Paris, and in true Final Destination 3 form, things get very, very hot. 

Some time later, the action moves to a hip gym run by the hard-working Rhonda (Marcia Karr from Savage Streets). After a busy day of aerobics, a female member is stabbed to death on site in the shower. The grumpy detective barely has enough time to investigate before his number one suspect becomes victim number two. 

This pattern continues.

Within a week, a dozen gym members have been found brutally murdered. It's a testament to Rhonda's workout plan that her classes still seem fairly full. Take THAT, Jillian Michaels. 

Killer Workout is written and directed by David A. Prior, whose Deadly Prey involved a scene where a man tore another's arm off and proceeded to BEAT HIM TO DEATH WITH IT. We don't quite reach those heights here, but that doesn't mean we don't have a good time.

There are wackily filmed point of view elaborate murders, ridiculous plot twists, super earnest hand to hand combat scenes, and endless shots of poorly supported large breasts bouncing along to enthusiastic calisthenics. Were you really looking for anything else?

High Points
The sheer absurdity and messy execution of the ending reveal is so gloriously ridiculous that it's somehow perfection

Low Points
I mean, this is not a good movie by any conventional metrics. So, you know, that

Lessons Learned
When all of your male characters are pigs, your only option for working in a sex scene is an elaborate dream sequence

If you want a feel, head to Hollywood Boulevard

Maintaining a perfectly fit body is a lot of work, but if the reward is that you get to rock a gold lamé harem jumpsuit, sign me up

Killer Workout is probably the second best gym-set slasher that includes a tanning bed death to come out in the late '80s, but that doesn't mean it's not a damn good time. Your life will be no more important, but far richer for the experience. Have yourself an Amazon Prime time, and don't forget to stretch.

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