It's that time of the year! Mid-January, when the weather is crumby, the optimism surrounding our resolutions are fading, and depending on your profession, we're weeks to months away from any real days off.
Or, if you're a reader of this here blog, the annual year-in-review, starting with our roundup of some of the most important lessons learned over the last 365 days of movie reviews!
Or, if you're a reader of this here blog, the annual year-in-review, starting with our roundup of some of the most important lessons learned over the last 365 days of movie reviews!
Fine Dining
Old meatloaf smells like werewolf crap -- Summer of '84
You can take coconut liqueur any darn way you like -- Blood Rage
Travel & Tourism
People don't go to Vermont for the oysters -- The Witch In the Window
Always pack a comfortable, quiet pair of sneakers for whatever may come up on your honeymoon -- Ready or Not
When visiting a wealthier friend, always try to time your visit around his impending death. If everything lines up just right, you'll get to spend the next few weeks living in his mansion rent-free -- Color of Night
Economics 101
All the money in the world can apparently only buy one shirt for painting and one bikini for daily swimming exercises -- Imaginary Friend
Home Remedies
Horse tranquilizers are great for fighting migraines -- Ma
In a pinch, perfume makes a decent, fragrant antiseptic -- Don't Grow Up
The way to stay alive when spending 18 hours a day mixing your liquor choices is to occasionally supplement your diet with some potassium -- Friend Request
Facial scars heal fast if they're accompanied by aggressive opera music -- Braid
Self-Defense Tips
One can never be too cautious when plotting a landing -- Targets
Brooms and baseball bats are decent weapons for self-defense, but when you really get down to it, nothing beats a full a roll of Saran Wrap -- The Hive
Fashion Through the Ages
1950s suburban moms slept in heavier makeup than 2019 Hallmark Christmas movie leads -- Invaders From Mars
Bangs were the big trend of the mid-1800s -- Candyman 3: Day of the Dead
Supernatural snake women shed their skin in one clean body suit -- The Snake Woman
Silk is real, and it is fabulous -- Blood of Heroes
In the future, global warming will make weather so confusing that you'll need a winter hat and an open chest hoodie -- Death Race: Beyond Anarchy
Friendship Is Magic
Never remain friends with a group of young white people who decide to film themselves, not because you'll almost inevitably die in a blur, your last words being, "What the f*ck," but more because if two decades of found footage horror has taught me anything, it's that young white people who enjoy filming themselves are almost certainly an awful combination of bland and rude -- Hell House LLC
Hair & Makeup
The shorter your haircut, the longer your makeup will stay on your face -- Finders Keepers
Quaaludes are murder on the skin -- Hell Night
Dating Advice
The best way to stay under the radar when ordering drinks for your underage boyfriend is to flag the waiter from across the room to shout for two more alcoholic beverages, even though you've just taken a single sip from your first -- Fatal Fashion
Nothing turns a woman on more than man's ability to make netting out of tree fiber -- Eden
Gun Safety
Really, I think this can all be summed up with one pretty handy suggestion: maybe don't go hunting with powerful firearms when you're still rather drunk? -- Calibre
Never bring a rifle to a bird fight -- Kaw
Self-proclaimed world's best damned personal assistants have a unique set of skills, including excellent shotgun aim
Mythology Uncovered
Contrary to popular cultural portrayals, trolls actually resemble burn victims with tiny Trump hands -- Charlotte
Modern Hobbies
Horror-themed scavenger weekends operated under most of the same rules as your average strip club -- Ruin Me
Crime Solving For Dummies
When hiding evidence, consider a place slightly less exposed than the living room shelf
One can never have too many candles or flashlights on hand to fight off an evil bullied spirit, even if the lights are working just fine -- Can't Take It Back
When sneaking around in a remote cabin where the owner is confirmed as being out of the way, always remember to bring a good flashlight because under no conditions would you turn a light on in a remote cabin when the whole reason you're there is because no on else is near -- The Shortcut
The only thing less effective in solving crime than the NYC police department is Stephen Rea in a cameo -- Greta
When questioning an old acquaintance about brutal murder, it's best to do so over a glass of champagne -- Staged Killer
Technology Through the Ages
Antivirus software remains as ineffective in 2016 as it was in the '90s -- Ratter
The Young Adult
Youngest siblings have far better facial memory recognition than the eldests -- Deviant Love
Girls don't grow chest hair, but they do get lumps (providing they learn how to stop talking at the breakfast table) -- The Lift
Know Thy Style
You know you've found your villain when his vanity license plate reads "FERRARI" -- The Furies
Know Thyself
Morgue Fun
Unlike their American male counterparts, female Spanish morticians trade sandwiches for shameless flirting -- Open Graves
Nothing makes a dieting detective hungrier than a visit to the morgue -- In Darkness
In no world is it a good idea to try to induce a jump scare from the new employee who gets to spend midnight-to-7 all alone in a basement filled with dead bodies -- The Possession of Hannah Grace
How To Not Teach a Lesson
If you're trying to send a fervent anti-abortion message with your movie, maybe don't end it with a soundtrack that incorporates obnoxiously screaming babies -- The Unborn Child
Now that you're fully prepared for whatever life (or in some cases, the afterlife) throws your way, come back next week when we look at my favorite films covered here in 2019!
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