Monday, January 20, 2020

Lessons Learned Yet Again

It's that time of the year! Mid-January, when the weather is crumby, the optimism surrounding our resolutions are fading, and depending on your profession, we're weeks to months away from any real days off.

Or, if you're a reader of this here blog, the annual year-in-review, starting with our roundup of some of the most important lessons learned over the last 365 days of movie reviews!

Fine Dining
Old meatloaf smells like werewolf crap -- Summer of '84

You can take coconut liqueur any darn way you like -- Blood Rage

The key to making good tacos is cover up crappy meat with tons of spices -- Scorned 

Travel & Tourism
People don't go to Vermont for the oysters -- The Witch In the Window

Always pack a comfortable, quiet pair of sneakers for whatever may come up on your honeymoon -- Ready or Not 

When visiting a wealthier friend, always try to time your visit around his impending death. If everything lines up just right, you'll get to spend the next few weeks living in his mansion rent-free -- Color of Night 

Any town with a an overabundance of mannequins is not a place to spend the night -- Happy Hunting 

Economics 101
All the money in the world can apparently only buy one shirt for painting and one bikini for daily swimming exercises -- Imaginary Friend 

Home Remedies
Horse tranquilizers are great for fighting migraines -- Ma 

In a pinch, perfume makes a decent, fragrant antiseptic -- Don't Grow Up

The way to stay alive when spending 18 hours a day mixing your liquor choices is to occasionally supplement your diet with some potassium -- Friend Request

Facial scars heal fast if they're accompanied by aggressive opera music -- Braid

Self-Defense Tips
One can never be too cautious when plotting a landing -- Targets 

Brooms and baseball bats are decent weapons for self-defense, but when you really get down to it, nothing beats a full a roll of Saran Wrap -- The Hive 

Smart women sleep in their sports bras -- Revenge

Fashion Through the Ages
1950s suburban moms slept in heavier makeup than 2019 Hallmark Christmas movie leads -- Invaders From Mars 

Bangs were the big trend of the mid-1800s -- Candyman 3: Day of the Dead

Supernatural snake women shed their skin in one clean body suit -- The Snake Woman 

Silk is real, and it is fabulous -- Blood of Heroes  

In the future, global warming will make weather so confusing that you'll need a winter hat and an open chest hoodie -- Death Race: Beyond Anarchy

Friendship Is Magic
Never remain friends with a group of young white people who decide to film themselves, not because you'll almost inevitably die in a blur, your last words being, "What the f*ck," but more because if two decades of found footage horror has taught me anything, it's that young white people who enjoy filming themselves are almost certainly an awful combination of bland and rude -- Hell House LLC

The power of besties involves being able to provide quick synonyms on call -- Truth Or Dare 

Hair & Makeup
The shorter your haircut, the longer your makeup will stay on your face -- Finders Keepers

Quaaludes are murder on the skin -- Hell Night 

Psychiatric hospitals are a wonderful training resource for shaping your eyebrows -- Mercy Black 

Dating Advice
The best way to stay under the radar when ordering drinks for your underage boyfriend is to flag the waiter from across the room to shout for two more alcoholic beverages, even though you've just taken a single sip from your first -- Fatal Fashion 

Nothing turns a woman on more than man's ability to make netting out of tree fiber -- Eden 

Some women find childlike men attractive -- Sometimes Aunt Martha Does Dreadful Things

Gun Safety
Really, I think this can all be summed up with one pretty handy suggestion: maybe don't go hunting with powerful firearms when you're still rather drunk? -- Calibre 

Never bring a rifle to a bird fight -- Kaw 

Self-proclaimed world's best damned personal assistants have a unique set of skills, including excellent shotgun aim 

Mythology Uncovered
Contrary to popular cultural portrayals, trolls actually resemble burn victims with tiny Trump hands -- Charlotte 

Modern Hobbies
Horror-themed scavenger weekends operated under most of the same rules as your average strip club -- Ruin Me 

Crime Solving For Dummies
When hiding evidence, consider a place slightly less exposed than the living room shelf

One can never have too many candles or flashlights on hand to fight off an evil bullied spirit, even if the lights are working just fine -- Can't Take It Back 

When sneaking around in a remote cabin where the owner is confirmed as being out of the way, always remember to bring a good flashlight because under no conditions would you turn a light on in a remote cabin when the whole reason you're there is because no on else is near -- The Shortcut 

The only thing less effective in solving crime than the NYC police department is Stephen Rea in a cameo -- Greta 

When questioning an old acquaintance about brutal murder, it's best to do so over a glass of champagne -- Staged Killer

Technology Through the Ages
Antivirus software remains as ineffective in 2016 as it was in the '90s -- Ratter 

The Young Adult
Youngest siblings have far better facial memory recognition than the eldests -- Deviant Love 

Girls don't grow chest hair, but they do get lumps (providing they learn how to stop talking at the breakfast table) -- The Lift 

Really talented deaf teenagers don't even need to face you to read your lips -- The Silence

Know Thy Style
You know you've found your villain when his vanity license plate reads "FERRARI" -- The Furies

Know Thyself
No-good bohemians make terrible decisions in the middle of the night -- The Gorgon

Morgue Fun
Unlike their American male counterparts, female Spanish morticians trade sandwiches for shameless flirting -- Open Graves 

Nothing makes a dieting detective hungrier than a visit to the morgue -- In Darkness

In no world is it a good idea to try to induce a jump scare from the new employee who gets to spend midnight-to-7 all alone in a basement filled with dead bodies -- The Possession of Hannah Grace 

How To Not Teach a Lesson
If you're trying to send a fervent anti-abortion message with your movie, maybe don't end it with a soundtrack that incorporates obnoxiously screaming babies -- The Unborn Child 

Now that you're fully prepared for whatever life (or in some cases, the afterlife) throws your way, come back next week when we look at my favorite films covered here in 2019!

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