Different Kinds of Holiday Horrors

Throw away your high heels and work cell phone, put on your dangerously oversized earrings, and add some whipped cream to your cocoa. It's Cozy Cardigan Christmas Movie Time, and I've got BIG things planned.

Over at my podcast, The Feminine Critique, I'm shooting out mini-episodes faster than a strict career woman can change her ways and save Christmas in a charming small town. On deck is a whole bunch of Hallmark, Lifetime, UP, and FreeForm originals wherein, well, a strict career woman changes her ways and saves Christmas in a charming small town. There's also one about Nick Lachey's younger brother as a rock star who, well, saves Christmas in a charming small town. Oh! And Daphne Zuniga saves Thanksgiving in a charming small town AND she starts as, you know, a strict career woman. 

I have a lot to say about these movies. You can download at iTunes or figure it out here.

If you prefer to SEE me when I talk about Candace Cameron Bure saving Christmas in a charming small town AND you're in the New York area on Friday, December 9th, then come on down to Brooklyn's Alamo Drafthouse. I'll be participating in a very special Kevin Geeks Out comedy show about, you guessed it, holiday specials. You can get all the details here. 

Hope to see you there!

Lightly Toasted

Amazon Prime’s streaming is an odd duck of a service. There are some fantastic popular and rare titles available to watch, but the one sentence synopsis and lack of listing a director OR year of release makes it rather challenging to have any clue what you may be watching. 

Such was the case with today’s feature, a classy little drama with genre touches that seems, based on the title and poster Amazon went with, to instead be a bloody period tale of witchcraft and fire.

Quick Plot: Norman Taylor is a successful college professor with high ambitions of chairing his department. Back home, his wife Tansy has some trouble interacting with his colleagues in social settings, preferring to spend her time alone at their secluded beach cottage. Could it be because it's a safer place to practice THE BLACK ARTS?

Well, yes, actually, and who can blame her when the alternative is playing bridge with stuffy academics? Tansy, you see, has picked up some witchcraft skills after a trip to Jamaica. Though her skeptic of a husband doesn't believe her, she insists that she's been using her spells to help his career advance. Offended by her silly beliefs (Norman, in case you haven't guessed, is a jerk), he forces Tansy to burn all of her occult items. Included in that stash is a locket that just so happens to have a picture of Norman inside.

Naturally--or SUPERnaturally, if you will--the Taylors have to pay. Norman is accused of raping one of his female students, then barely escapes being shot by her jealous boyfriend. Tansy decides the only way to save her husband is to sacrifice herself in his place, but Norman isn’t quite willing to let that happen, nor is the mysterious REAL villain who has been manipulating forces from the very beginning.

Based on the title and poster, I was expecting Burn, Witch, Burn (aka The Night of the Eagle, which makes a lot of sense in the final act) to be more along the Hammer-y lines of a Mark of the Devil or other often Vincent Price-filled classics. In other words, burnings at stakes, dunkings, stocks, bad wigs, and lots of pointed fingers. 

That is not this film.

That’s a good and bad thing. The bad because, hey, I love me a good inquisition exploitation flick. Good because, well, Burn, Witch, Burn is actually quite a strong film. Director Sidney Hayers worked primarily in television, and the style feels almost Twilight Zone-esque in terms of staging and performances. Co-written by, whaddya know, Twilight Zone scribes (and sci-fi icons) Richard Matheson and Charles Beaumont, Burn, Witch, Burn ultimately plays out like a feature adaptation of a Rod Serling classic. The climax is surprisingly unnerving, even with its 60+ year limitations of aging special effects. 

Or maybe I’m just a sucker for a good old-fashioned birding. 

High Points

Though I wish it had been pushed further, it’s clear that the film is acknowledging some interesting gender issues in terms of its Lady MacBeth-like details. The women in this film will fiercely work towards pushing their men into success, while the partners in question seem to barely deserve their bedside company. 

Low Points

It’s a product of its time, but I can’t help to feel like the happy, Hayes Code-friendly ending feels like a disappointment

Lessons Learned

You can hypnotize the bad, but you can't hypnotize the cards

Cottages are a great way to avoid committees and teas 

Lounging wear for women in the early 1960s was the equivalent of church or campaign-wear in the 21st century

Rent/Bury/Buy

Burn, Witch, Burn is streaming via Amazon Prime, and it’s certainly a strong way to pass 90 minutes. If you’re looking for a quality extended episode of The Twilight Zone, this is certainly your answer. 

Roman Holiday

Maybe it all began with Sonic the Hedgehog, but I've always found volcanoes to be, rather naturally, absolutely horrific. The Pompeii eruption that destroyed an entire city way back when is certainly good fodder for the big budget treatment. All it needed, apparently, was a lot of abs.

Quick Plot: It's 500 A.D., and unless you're a miscast Kiefer Sutherland playing a Roman senator, life sucks.

Slaves are sent to the gladiator arenas to die in forgettable glory.

Business folks are forced to make bad deals to secure some kind of stability.

Hot daughters of business people must marry miscast Kiefer Sutherlands.

Oh, and there's a massive volcano set to destroy the entire city via lava, tidal waves, earth fractures, fireballs, rubble collapses, and unhinged miscast Kiefer Sutherlands.

Can anyone catch a break?

Pompeii is a big budget disaster pic that basically asks the question, how can we squeeze a PG-13 rated Gladiator into 100 minutes of Independence Day (or 2012, or whatever your modern CGI-infused apocalypse is of choice). Directed by Resident Evil godfather Paul W.S. Anderson, it tells an extremely familiar story with streamlined efficiency. Consider the cast of characters:
 
Handsome hero with a childhood grudge, insanely chiseled physique, and secret heart of gold

Lovable sidekick who will start out as our handsome hero's rival before accepting a supporting role and sacrificing himself for the whiter handsome hero he recently befriended

Beautiful poor little rich girl with a conscience and amazing ability to keep her pre-Cover Girl makeup perfectly smudge-proof

Evil, just unrepentant evil villain and his taller right hand man

Everyone's mostly British, because, you know, OLD TIMES. All the villains get their comeuppance, all the helpful but less white supporting cast member die semi-heroically, and the booming soundtrack pauses not once but TWICE when our handsome hero upon his horse has to leap over what could be certain death, only to land safely and cue up the horn section with his triumph.

You don't go into Pompeii expecting innovation. You expect, and receive, all the grape-chewing baddie sneers, the impossible combat scenes that only our hero and sidekick can survive, and computer printed lava raining down upon scores of extras wearing recycled garbs from Rome. To its credit, the movie doesn't really wimp out on delivering the complete wipe-out of a city and its people. There's no Pierce Brosnan or Tommy Lee Jones dispatched to evacuate a plucky band of deserving survivors. This is a historic volcano that annihilated everything in its path.

But hey, the people are still really, really pretty. And the not-quite Spartacus gladiator scenes are sort of the equivalent of saying, "I love a fine boiled lobster served with garlic mashed potatoes in a five-star restaurant but can also enjoy Long John Silver's deep fried cod and basic french fries." This movie isn't better than it could have been, but it's as good as it should have been for being, you know, a mid-big budget PG-13 historical action romp about a volcano.

High Points
Considering the bulk of IMDB's trivia section focuses on it, I don't see why I shouldn't: Kit Harington is typically weighed down by furs and Night's Watch robes on Game of Thrones, so while it may sound crass and shallow to compliment his inhuman 12-pack of a stomach, Pompeii's lingering camera gaze practically begs anyone watching with eyes to say, "wow, that dude really worked out for this movie."

Low Points
It seems like there should be an edict against casting Jared Harris and Carrie-Anne Moss and not giving either anything interesting to do

Lessons Learned
It is shockingly possible to pick a lock with a splinter while chained to a carriage going at least 35 MPH

A man who cries is a man who cannot haggle

Ravenousing (i.e., acting dead when mistakenly tossed in a giant pile of corpses and waiting hours to emerge) is a time honored tactic for surviving massacres

Rent/Bury/Buy
Look, Pompeii isn't a good film, but it's fun and knows exactly what its audience wants. The DVD includes a bevvy of deleted scenes, so a cheap or rented copy won't bore you too badly.

Plus, this:

When the Spelling of Your Title Is the Most Interesting Thing About Your Movie

One can never judge a straight-to-streaming horror film by its cover, but that certainly doesn't stop many a viewer from watching one because it has a good one.

Then you watch it, and remember the adage goes two ways.

Quick Plot: Jo is in a bit of a slump, having lost her track scholarship due to an injury and her faith in her boyfriend after learning that he cheated on her. Now, she spends most of her time arguing with her parents, running, or not paying attention to the two little boys she babysits.

One afternoon, Jo notices Elliot, the younger of her charges, fleeing the ice cream man in mysterious fear. Considering her wears clown makeup, it's not hard to understand why, although Willie, as he calls himself, takes things a little further with a racist puppet show and some creepy overtones to Jo.

Before you know it--well, after a whole lot of nothing, actually--young Elliot disappears right under Jo's negligent watch. Ben, Jo's ex, is convinced that the same shady ice cream man was last seen in the same fateful late where Elliot's shoes (but not body) were discovered. Could this unbalanced dairy lover be a child-killing, ex-high-school-track-star-stalking murderer?

Describing Kruel with the above synopsis has probably led you to picture a fairly standard horror movie. In reality, what you get is essentially a Lifetime flick with maybe 8 oz. more blood.

Written and directed by Robert Henderson, Kruel is ultimately more about a young woman dealing with the fallout from being betrayed by her high school sweetheart. A good 70% of this film's running time is spent on Jo trying to work through her feelings and Ben attempting to win her back.

And then there's sorta an obsessive unhinged one quarter clown.

No, it's not good, especially as the horror movie its cover and marketing sells it to be. That aside, if you're looking for a light thriller about, well, dealing with unfaithfulness in relationships, this is a movie and things happen in it.

High Points
The film is shot well. Lead actress Kierney Nelson works hard. It's a movie. Things happen in it.

Low Points
...just not many things of interest

Lessons Learned
Never get kidnapped in short shorts if you're going to be running through the Okefenokee swamp

Being cheated on hurts, but being hunted by a psychotic clown ice cream man is a whole lot worse

If a conversation continues so long that it turns into a montage, it just may give a kidnapper enough time to swipe a child right out from under you

Rent/Bury/Buy
Unless you've recently ended a relationship because you caught your significant other with someone else and you really feel you need to consider what that means, this is not the movie for you.

Superlative Slaughter

I know the pain of high school is one of pop culture's most fertile wells, but I still don't quite get the obsession. I was a chubby, nerdy, flute playing drama club participating badminton playing National Honor Society treasurer who loved horror movies and yet I can't point to one moment where I felt targeted by the cheerleaders and quarterbacks. On the flip side, I don't ever recall setting up the kind of prank that would break a teenager's psyche and send such an outcast down a deadly spiral of vengeance.

Perhaps that's a good thing, since it means I'll never end up in a slasher.

Quick Plot: A gaggle of mostly attractive 28-year-olds are assembling for their ten-year high school reunion. Hosting the pre-gaming is Ryan, a professional hockey player who was just released from his contract by the NY Rangers. When his girlfriend Ashley arrives at his empty coastal mansion to cheer him up, she ends up murdered in a method that brings her high school superlative to life: most likely to end up with her name in lights.

Though Ryan is missing, the rest of his pals obliviously assemble to drink beer, play in a hot tub, and spend a lot of time using poker as a metaphor. Millennials truly are the worst.

As the night goes on, our gang of extremely attractive (and Perez Hilton) victims-to-be discover someone--most likely the outcast whom they bullied into oblivion--is on the hunt, taking each one down with some sort of cute wordplay on their senior year fame.

Most Likely to Die is essentially a 21st century take on Slaughter High. Considering nearly 80% of slashers get their start from a bullied weirdo delivering comeuppance, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that in concept and in the case of this film, execution. It's perfectly fine.

That's not necessarily the glowing endorsement I was hoping to have. Headed by Glee's secret weapon Heather Morris, the cast is (with one obvious exception) better than average, and we even get Jake Busey in the role of, well, essentially, Gary Busey. The violence finds a good balance between wackiness and realistic pain, and the pacing is done in just the right way.

But, well, I don't know. There's something lacking in Most Likely to Die, some spark or special tone to really make it pop.  As a mindless and slickly done slasher with some humor, it's absolutely solid entertainment. As a movie I'll remember two years from now, it's absolutely a movie I'll check Letterboxd to confirm that I watched.

High/Low Point Tie
On one hand, Perez Hilton is the worst thing in this movie. On the other, his lady screams are so perfectly shrill that they genuinely brighten the entire scene. We're calling this one a stalemate

Lessons Learned
You do not get laid by leading your girlfriend into opening a closet with precariously stacked items just waiting to tumble on her little blond head

The cure for a gushing stab wound is boiled water

Seriously, don't bully the awkward kid in high school. HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?

Rent/Bury/Buy

If you're looking for a light-spirited throwback slasher, Most Likely to Die is more than adequate to pass the time. I can't quite put my finger on what's missing here, but it didn't charm me the way I was hoping. My pickiness aside, this is a perfectly fine modern horror film that may awaken your nostalgia for that tried and true subgenre of nerd vengeance. 

The Cinematic Black Holes Found Footage Built

Inevitably spoken dialogue in every found footage horror movie ever made:
"I can't see shit!"

Inevitably felt emotion by the audience of every found footage horror movie ever made:
"How do you think we feel?"

Quick Plot: A white guy with a beard, a white woman named Brandy, and two or three additional non-distinguishable white men decide to drive their RV across the country to document their search for the ultimate Halloween haunt.

Naturally, their camera-happy ways irk some ringmasters who proceed to follow the group on their journey, playfully leaving what could be interpreted as either death threats or invitations to the best haunted house you can imagine.

Since this is a horror movie, it's easy enough for the audience to guess which. Our characters, however, are still motivated to find the perfect Halloween experience, leading them into some bad(ly lit) times.

The Houses That October Built starts with an absolutely terrific premise. Halloween haunts get bigger every year, and the idea of using real-life ones across the country makes perfect sense for your average target audience, particularly when you're working on a limited budget. I would have loved to see that film.

But you know, I didn't actually see anything.

Like many a low budget found footage genre flick, The Houses October Built isn't particularly gifted at lighting. Night vision is fine, but when that method produces the clearest shots in your movie, there's something of a problem.

I could forgive some technical glitches if the content made up for it, but I'm not exaggerating when I say that I caught absolutely nothing about this story or characters. The actors are natural to the camera, but that doesn't make them interesting onscreen. One guy had a beard. One guy was a woman. I assume another was her boyfriend. I think there was one more. Or maybe two. Or maybe the guy with the beard shaved halfway through production.

My point is, I just didn't care. There was nothing charming or unique about these characters to ever make me invested in their fate. (On the positive side, there was nothing Crowsnest awful about them to have me actively root for their downfalls.) They drink beer. They eat pot cookies. They talk with food in their mouths.

So maybe they KIND OF had it coming.

High Points
Not surprisingly, the film has plenty of fun making use of the creative design involved in these kinds of haunts, from the creepy doll masks and evil clowns to the joy of zombie paintball (an idea I KNEW I should have patented back in 2000)

Low PointsCan't. See. A. Thing.

Lessons LearnedBourbon Street may be more tolerable on Halloween, when the vomit of frat boys can be confined to masks and not on every corner of the sidewalk

Dive bars are way more fun when filled with zombie prom dancers

When you meet a group of self-aware white twentysomethings, always assume they're filming you. Trust me: they are

Rent/Bury/BuyThe Houses October Built is far from the worst way to spend 90 minutes via Netflix Instant Watch. In the realm of found footage horror, it ranks somewhere right in the middle, mostly because the concept is just so interesting in itself. The rest of it, well, what you can SEE of it has its moments, but this isn't a diamond in the rough.